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It continues to be catch-ups month, that magical time of year when the extremely sick and bloated
games industry pauses between massive heaves of puke so that we can pick through some half-digested
carrots and try to figure out what's wrong with the malingering bastard this time.
To that end, let's take a look at a game that first appeared last March, but took the rest
of the year to gradually squeeze itself out like a life-threatening bout of constipation.
Hitman, the (counting noises) fifth or sixth game in the life of Mr. Hitman, master assassin,
cold in both the emotional and literal sense whenever he goes outside without a bobble
hat.
Not that you'd know this is the sixth, possibly seventh Hitman game from the title, which
has gone along with the industry trend of antagonising all the world's filing systems.
What, was every other Hitman game just pissing about up to now?
Well, that might not be far from the intended message.
The goal of Hitman 2016 seems to have been to create a modular platform for Hitman gameplay
into which new levels can be inserted in my fly.
Sorry I meant ON the fly, get your hands off me.
The game's six missions were sold episodically for ten bucks apiece more or less a month
apart.
A rather clever way to disguise the fact that your full price game isn't very long, I use
the same technique in my lovemaking, between every thrust I bolt from the house and book
a caravanning weekend in Castle Douglas.
But I feel this is an ill-advised route for triple-A games.
First impressions count for a lot, and my first impression of Hitman back in March was
an hour of gameplay followed by getting smashed in the face by a big stop sign telling me
to come back in a month.
With so many other games fighting for our eyeballs over the course of the year interest
in Hitman would inevitably suffer more diminishing returns than a financially stricken branch
of Blockbuster Video.
I only recently downloaded all the subsequent episodes to play in one big block because
I'm a hardcore gamer with no social life and two legs atrophied down to nubs like giant
chicken nuggets, but after spending six episodes building up a mildly intriguing background
conspiracy the series explosively climaxes by waggling a hand and going "Myeah, this'll
probably be important in season 2.
Now go back to sleep."
But on the plus side, this is the quintessential Hitman experience.
You play a grumpy man who is commonly mistaken for a packet of Birds Eye frozen cod fillets
right down to the supermarket barcode, travelling to a number of glamorous locales represented
by huge contained sandboxes sprawling with little nooks and crannies, tools and people
with remarkably loose grips on their trousers.
You're given a couple of assassination targets and away you go.
Maybe you'll sneak off to a quiet little rooftop and wait for the perfect opportunity to install
a top of the line new ventilation system in the side of their fucking head.
Maybe you'll engineer some terribly clever accident involving a chandelier, a recently-mopped
kitchen floor and a poorly supervised circus tiger.
Or maybe you'll just punt a brick at your victim's skull and leg it for the exit while
hooting like Daffy Duck.
It's up to you.
So far, so Blood Money.
But what Hitman 2016 introduces is a much bigger emphasis on the opportunities it's
set up for you.
Every now and again you'll overhear two civvies saying something like "Hey, that bloke in
the penthouse suite with the big target painted on his face sure loves to drink out of a water
bottle with a skull and crossbones logo."
"Really?
That would be jolly easy to swap with poison if one happened to be an assassin."
'' "YES IT FUCKING WOULD.
Speak up a little, I can't hear you over our waiter being strangled by a giant packet of
frozen cod fillets."
And then a fucking breadcrumb trail appears on the map guiding you first to a bottle of
poison then to a place where you can dress up in the uniform of a mysterious bottle salesman,
then to the target and then to a convenient local restaurant for the celebratory dinner
that strikes the right balance between representing the local culture without being too touristy.
I'm really torn about this, because while this does make getting the fancy kills almost
insultingly easy, on the other hand Hitman is the kind of game where I have to hit quicksave
the way the talent agent from the Aristocrats joke hits the 'call security' button on his
phone.
Because every single mistake you make in Hitman inevitably sets off one of those cockup cascades
I've been talking about.
It starts with you trying to knock out a guard without noticing he had a friend watching
you in the reflection off his shiny bellend, then a bunch of guards come over so you knock
all of them out but then the civilian who was supposed to escort the ice cream man to
the birthday party - or indeed any armed psychopath who happens to be dressed like one - gets
freaked out by the nine unconscious guards in varying states of undress and you lose
the opportunity, and the cockups just escalate and escalate until you give up and reload.
Next time it goes great until someone unexpectedly walks in while you're pulling the unconscious
ice cream man's trousers down and gets the wrong idea and you have to go along with it,
meet the ice cream man's parents, get a civil partnership, go on a magical honeymoon to
the Seychelles, and all the time the game's going "There goes the no kills bonus, aaand
the no bodies found bonus, aaand the never spotted bonus, aaand the never accidentally
get stuck in a loveless marriage bonus."
So getting your hand held throughout the assassination opportunities does remove a lot of that frustration,
even if succeeding doesn't feel an ounce as satisfying as when you had to figure all this
out for yourself.
But hey, you can still get that feeling if you ignore the signposted opportunities and
make up your own.
Sniping's a good one.
Find a nice quiet vantage spot, explode the target's shoulder grapefruit and throw the
rifle away before the bodyguards burst in to investigate the shot and go "Damn, must've
just missed him, there's nobody here but a huge ugly grimacing French chambermaid smelling
faintly of cordite."
'' Mind you, sandbox is a big word, and the maps
in Hitman are slaves to the contextual button prompt.
The difference between a ledge you can climb on and a perfectly vestigial dado rail is
information exclusive to Mr. 47's lovingly shaved noggin, so you do get funneled down
specific routes a lot.
The game does give you more rewards for taking the opportunities it sets up.
In fact it gives you rewards for a lot of things.
For killing the target with a headshot, with an accident, with drowning, for putting on
all the suits, for putting on no suits, for putting on a just right amount of suits.
There's also countless alternative targets for each map and more besides from the user-designed
missions.
Clearly the game was hoping to generate enough gameplay with each map to tide us over for
a month.
What a lovely dream, Square Enix.
I dream one day of fitting an entire Toblerone in my mouth and everyone tells me that's not
very realistic either.
Pretty as your maps are I get sick to death of playing them over and over and over again
just to fill out a checklist.
Without story context - and it wasn't even a good story, it's a dime store thriller with
half the pages missing - all you're offering is scavenger hunts.
And I got sick of those a long time ago when my uncle used to make me play Guess Where
I Put The Fun Sized Twix.
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