Sorry. That must have been strange. I was posing
for a thumbnail, because this is the
No-Cut Confessional tag. So I'm not going
to cut that out. Also, I will acknowledge
this is quite an odd set-up, but it
reflects my mood. Don't know exactly how
to describe that, what that means, but
there you go. I was tagged by Christina (actually Katrina)
to do the No-Cut Confessional tag, where you
say... You complete four different
statements: 'I feel' 'I want' 'I fear' and 'I am'
And I've avoided doing this because it
scares me. So I'm going to actually skip
ahead to 'I fear.' I don't think there's
any rules about doing them in the right
order or not. But this one...I fear making
this video. I fear making this video
because I am afraid. I'm afraid my
microphones not recording...oh it is. I do
that every time I film a video and I
always cut it out. Because I just...you
know, it's like 'did I leave the oven on?'
when you clearly didn't leave the oven
on but you have that nagging anxiety
about it. A little bit. Just a little bit. Um, I fear
being honest in a YouTube video, because
I fear people will make fun of me. I fear
people will laugh at me, think I'm
pathetic, think I'm not... I don't wanna say 'not
worthy of being here' but but I'm afraid
of being like, laughed out of town. Being
thought of as pathetic and delusional
and it's not so much I'm afraid that
they will laugh at me for what I'm
saying. Because I can defend what I'm
saying, because it's how I feel it's my
truth. But I'm afraid they will laugh at
me for thinking that what I have to say
is worthy of someone else hearing it.
I'm afraid they will think I have
delusions of value even though I know as
human beings we are all valuable. But I'm
just afraid, I'm just afraid that they're...that
they're making fun of me. That's really
what it boils down to. And not so much
the people who aren't on YouTube...like
people who don't understand anybody who
would post anything on here. People who
don't watch vloggers being honest and
you know those people aren't...they don't
get it anyways. It's the people that do
get it, the people that do understand and do
consume this sort of 'entertainment.' I
don't want to say 'content' because that word's
very overused here. But the people who
are in this community. Because I have a
very difficult time with communities. Um.
I want to stop saying 'um' cuz I can't cut
it out. I have a difficult time with
communities and the people within
certain communities. I'm just afraid of
being laughed at by those people, by the
people whose opinion I value. Yeah, that's
what it is. I...I want to be liked. Oh, 'I
want.' That's another one. I want to be liked. I
don't think that that's bad. Um. There's 'um'
again.
It's difficult, it's difficult to really
sort of express exactly how I'm feeling
in words, especially in words that are very
much just stream of consciousness coming
out of my my face. You know? And I can't, I
can't quit you YouTube. I'm back. Oh, 'I am.'
We're really going out of order. I am back. I am
posting again. I took a week off but I am
back. Because I can't quit you, despite
however... Despite that I don't even, I can't even
complete that thought. Um. I am here, I am
here. I am terrible at being in online
communities and I apologize if I've ever
let anyone down by rapidly joining them
and and then just tuning out for large
periods of time. Um. Yeah. Oh oh getting
things out. Okay, um, the last one: 'I feel.' I
feel anxious about a lot of things, uh, and
sad and worried and scared but I also
feel excited because I'm having a birthday
on Monday. And I've allowed myself that
that day to really just spend on myself,
uh, entirely...till the evening. I got to pick up
people from the airport because there's
family coming into town! Which is, which I
value so much now that I live so far
away from my family. I value it so much.
So I'm so excited and we're gonna go to
DC and we're going to go to New York
City and then the Science March is on
Sunday. Which I harbor some anxiety about
but I went to the Woman's March and that
was okay. That was more than okay, that
was, that was really amazing. So
I think I'll be all right. And I love science
so much and science is so important, so
we're going to that. And my family is
coming with me. And it's, it's going to be a
new experience. It's going to be good, it's going to
be positive. So I'm excited for next week.
That's how I feel. I feel excited, I want
to be accepted, I fear being laughed at, I
am back. And I'm not cutting any of this
video. So I don't know what I'm going to do
for an end screen. I guess this is the end
screen now. I'll put the things, I'll put
the things here. So thanks for tagging me
Christina. (actually Katrina) Oh, okay. I guess I shall not edit
this now. Just upload it. K bye.
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