[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Tonight on the number-one show in late night, ballbags!
Stay down, Akademiks! Stay down! You're dead!
♪♪
Mmm. [ Smacks lips ] Spicy.
-Yeah. -Like my mouth about to be!
After getting cooked last night,
DJ Akademiks couldn't keep it down.
Yeah. He went back on Twitch.
And reignited probably the worst online war
anyone has seen in a hundred years...
You made a mistake. ...easily.
Stay down, Rocky! Stay down, Rocky!
It was supposed to be an exhibition. Nah, nah.
Now it's "Rocky IV."
Me and Mero, we're training in the woods and shit.
I got a log on my back. Let's go!
I asked you to bring that same energy.
You brought that same energy.
You just didn't maintain it through your whole thing.
Just emotionally.
Brah, listen, I don't be really hating on nobody else.
That's why I be really taking offense
when these other media niggas speak on me.
Because I really don't be hating on y'all niggas.
When y'all really just speak on me on some craz--
I never be hating on y'all, ever!
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -Turn that volume down.
Watch the voice. Watch the volume, my guy.
-Turn the volume down. -No, no, no. You know.
This is like the New York City subway, right?
You raising your voice,
you better be able to raise them hands, too.
Don't make niggas go out to Connecticut or Long Island,
wherever the...you at.
There be certain niggas in --
And I see, like, these Deesus and Maris nig--
Deesis and Mero nig--
-Stop acting like -- -It's not that hard to say!
Now you're lying to yourself. Damn!
'Cause you hear that shit every day.
To be fair. To be fair, he isn't fluent with money.
So you know what I'm sayin'? The term just runs off.
Bob Iger couldn't pronounce it. You know what I'm sayin'?
Spike Jonze...
Maybe you gotta level up your tax bracket.
Got that Coinstar vocabulary, daddy.
Yo, the reason why I got a problem with y'all
is because I've never had any negative energy to y'all.
And then every time I seen y'all show as it relates to me,
it's negative shit.
How many...episodes of this show have we done?
We've mentioned him maybe twice.
338,000 episodes of this show done.
There's more episodes of this show than "Game of Thrones,"
and you're in your feelings, my guy.
I be wondering, like,
why these niggas got so much negative energy for me?
Nigga, we got negative energy for everybody!
That's this whole show!
What are you talking about, bro? You're not special.
-You're not special. -Grow up.
You don't see Trump making one of these.
"Why they always roasting me, calling me Trumpito?
Why do they roast my long tie?
I got nothing but positive energy for Desús and Mariano."
"Come on. Give me a break."
And then DJ Akademiks' wack ass
was trying to show the world how little he cared about us.
Livingston Allen started to get a little emotional.
-Wait. That's his real name? -Yes. Of course it is.
A'ight. He's really Jamaican.
He's Jamaican. Yeah, brah.
Y'all niggas got a problem? Whatever.
But it's really that mean.
So them niggas -- I don't really got time for that.
So -- And I know -- I might be getting a little emotional.
I ain't gonna lie to y'all.
Yeah. I can tell, pal. I can tell.
-Your collar's wet. -Oh, man.
And I know a lot of media niggas might be watching now.
[ Shakily ] I be making more money than y'all
before y'all even signed to your companies.
Wow. Wow. You heard his voice tremble? That shit ain't true.
-Nah, nigga. -Yeah, bro!
Nigga, I leave my ATM receipt in the ATM every time
just so niggas get inspired!
-You know what I mean? -Nigga said y'all --
Take that back. Let me hear that again with his little trembling voice.
With your little "now and later" raps, nigga.
-Talk about it now... -Hope you get it later.
Mnh.
[ Shakily ] I be making more money than y'all
before y'all even signed to your companies.
I've been doing it on my own.
In what, nigga... Best Buy bucks, nigga?
What are you talking about?
In fact, let's do the math now.
We turned down the money Complex offered us four years ago
that you're just getting now.
-Ipso facto, fuck you. -Oh! You broke, nigga!
[ Laughter ]
So, take your Camry, drive that shit back to Long Island,
put that shit in park, and think about your life.
[ Laughter ]
So that's how I'm coming.
Them niggas -- I don't give a...about 'em, period!
-Ooh! Ooh! All right. -Ooh!
'Cause I said that same energy, right?
-Finally he brought it. -You said it with your chest.
-He's gonna regret that. -You know what I'm sayin'?
I'm still keeping the same energy.
I don't give a...about them
because I've never said nothing about --
"Because I'm in my mom's basement right now
in my gamer chair!
And them niggas don't know where I live at!
That's why I was talking wild-spicy!"
Nigga talking wild-spicy through Fios.
Yo!
How you talking spicy in 240p, nigga? Come on.
Man, I don't give a... I don't care if you're on TV...outta here.
TV is washed! I don't give a...about TV.
Well, uh, these JBL checks say otherwise, sir.
[ Laughter ]
-Talk that money shit! -You know what I'm sayin'?
Nigga said TV is washed.
I did not pay for these, my nigga.
[ Laughs ]
These were shipped One Day Air, my guy.
[ Smooches ]
If you would just hit me like,
"Yo, listen, I don't know what you got going on, but I respect you,"
it'd be a different conversation.
But y'all niggas don't respect me.
-Yeah, we don't respect you. -We don't respect you.
What part of that you didn't get?
You gotta earn respect, my nigga.
I know you never left a basement before.
But in the real streets, you got to earn respect.
And you don't move yourself like a respectable individual.
That's why we don't respect you, clown.
So there you have it.
I don't give a...about you!
Whether Complex is here,
whether it's "Everyday Struggle" is here,
whether any other shit is here, I'm gonna be here.
Facts!
[ Laughs ] "Facts, nigga!"
Of course. It's facts. You're gonna be in your mom's basement.
Of course. Duh. We all knew that.
[ Jamaican accent ] Keep the noise down down there!
[ Jamaican accent ] Stop banging on the damn furnace!
Thomas!"
Livingston! Come up and get your ackee and saltfish!
You're late for school!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Yo!
[ Normal voice ] After getting off Twitch,
he wanted to let everyone know he's doing okay.
"I'm okay."
Hmm. I don't think that's gonna work for you.
Because we're the same people we were when we were on Complex
and on every other network.
We're still here. And we've won in the end.
We're the same people we were before, my nigga.
-The same people, my nigga. -The same exact people.
I know how to put a razor inside my cheek.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -You know what I'm sayin'?
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
After passing a tax bill yesterday
that will kick 13 million off healthcare
and make all of Trump's friends richer,
he decided it's time to bring his cabinet around for wh-a-at?
♪ A dick-flute solo roundtable, dooda-do-loo ♪
"Go around the room and tell me
why you enjoy the taste of my foreskin."
Trumpito called his favorite dick-flute solo artist to the plate --
Vice President Mike Pence. Oh, shit.
"Mother. Mother.
Please accompany me in this dick-flute solo."
Mike would like to say a few words.
He's just sitting there like a big baby like,
"Yes, sing my praises. Hear my accolades."
Vice Pres. Pence: I want to thank you, Mr. President.
[ Flute flutters ]
Because of your determination... [ Flute flutters ]
...because of your leadership... [ Flute flutters ]
the forgotten men and women of America are forgotten no more.
[ Flute plays ]
And we are making America great again.
Wow. And then Trump was like, "Yeah, yeah. Now swallow."
"Yeah. Good. Good. Oh, no. I'm coming.
Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.
Oh, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. It's too much.
It's too much. It's too intense."
Then Trump brought the Republican congressmen
to the Rose Garden for an official celebration
of taking from the poor to give to the rich.
After getting a dick-flute solo just hours earlier,
Trump decided to call in his boy again,
and Mike Pence brought that same mouth energy.
Yeah, boy!
He's like, "Come here, sweet lips."
He's like, "Yo, I have Altoids in my mouth now.
It's gonna feel extra good."
President Trump has been making history
since the first day of this administration.
-Not in a good way, though. -Nah, bro.
So thank you, Mr. President. Thank you for your leadership.
Thank you for your love for this country
and the people of this country.
You will make America great again.
Get the..outta here. And why you got the guy
from "Jurassic Park" in the back behind you,
the dude that's like "You shouldn't make dinosaurs.
It's a terrible idea."
[ Laughter ]
Yo, look at your man, bro. That's your mans right there.
And then he got the black dude up front like,
"Yo. Come up front. Come up front."
"Yo, thank you for that dick-flute solo.
It was awesome. Balls deep. I loved it."
Then Trumpito was in the mood
for an older gentleman to give him a dick-flute solo,
so he called on the walking corpse called Orrin Hatch.
Orrin Hatch. Yeah, kid.
-Back from the dead. -Yeah, boy.
Orrin, say a few words, please.
"If you're able to."
Like, he's so old, they don't even use that as a name anymore.
-Who do you know named Orrin? -Orrin. Come on, B.
Mr. President, I have to say that...
[ Gravelly ] Uh...uh, ever since slavery was abolished,
America has been on a downward spiral."
He thinks that was like Tuesday.
[ Laughs ]
...living up to everything I thought you would.
You're one heck of a leader.
And we're all benefiting from it.
This bill could not have passed without you.
Who's older -- Trump or Orrin Hatch?
Orrin Hatch is like 1,028 years old, bro.
-Trump is old as shit, as well. -He's like 70.
Orrin -- you got to cut that nigga open and count the rings.
Like -- 'Cause that... old as shit.
And we're gonna make this the greatest presidency
that we've seen not only in generations, but maybe ever.
Look how nervous the black guy is next to him.
He's like, "What you mean by the greatest --
-Since when? -"We're going back to when?
-What happened now?" -18-what?"
[ Applause ]
Pres. Trump: Wow.
Oh, wow! Did you see that?
Orrin Hatch left the black guy hanging.
-What?! -Watch.
He was gonna tap him. He was like, "Don't touch me, nigga."
"Don't touch me."
Watch him with the hand, go for the handshake.
He's like, "Yo, what's goo--"
Ah...outta here. Ahh! Ohh!
He's just like, "Ah. Yah. Can't catch the Orrin. Ahh."
Oh, shit.
Another very special man worked so hard, knows it...
Is he doing album credits now?
"Yo, shout-out to all my niggas."
"Look at Paul Ryan on the bass."
...and backwards. Kevin Brady.
Ber-ber. They need the "Family Feud" music.
"Give it up for Kevin Brady on the tenor sax."
Damn, that's nigga's mad-little!
He had to pull the mic down. [ Laughs ]
Nigga pulled the mic down like this.
[ Laughs ] Damn.
They didn't get him an apple box? Ahh!
Come on, son! How you do my man like that?
They didn't fix the mic or nothing.
He's like, "Jump up for the mic, you little clown.
This is the guy that dances for me in the Oval Office."
[ Cheering ] Thank you. Okay, guys.
All right. Relax. What is that -- gang stuff now?
Like, "Yerrr! Yo, D.C. Gang!"
[ Cheering ] Thank you. Okay, guys.
He's like, "All right, guys. Calm it down, guys.
I'm pocket-sized. Let's keep it -- All right."
"Guys, I'm not Verne Troyer. I'm not him."
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Yo, Will Smith went on "Good Morning America" today
to sell his new groundbreaking social-commentary film,
"Bright."
It's a movie about... What's it about?
...whatever the...Will Smith wants to do nowadays.
Yeah. You can't really tell Will Smith "no."
He made a movie where he was, like, writing letters to emotions,
and nobody was like, "Get the...outta here."
-So, hey. -Listen.
Remember he had a movie
where him and Jaden Smith were fighting trees?
-Yeah. -That's long money, my guy.
Give me one word to describe the movie "Bright."
-Bizarre. -Yeah. Twisted.
It merges the worlds of medieval fantasy and police drama.
"Training Day" meets "Lord of the Rings."
-Wow! -Whoa!
Pass that pack, my nigga!
-Wow! -Yo!
Nigga, you know what kind of L.A. --
"Picture it -- 'Training Day' meets 'Lord of the Rings.'"
-Wow. -Anyone else says that,
they're laughed the... out that office.
Yo. Will Smith's like --
"Billion-dollar budget. You got it.
Who do you need?" I mean, when you go around
talking to people about this movie,
it's like, yes, there's going to be fairies
and there are going to be elves and a magic wand.
-And a magic wand. -Look at Will Smith's face.
He's like -- He's hearing it out loud.
He's like, "Maybe this is not a good idea."
"Nah. Damn."
"Maybe I was skeed up. What is this?"
Smith says he is touched by the film's message
about the world we live in.
In the movie, I'm a black police officer,
but my character is racist against Orcs,
sort of a flip of social hierarchy.
Mero: Bro. See? See?
That's that mo-- Let that money talk! Ooh, baby!
-God damn! -Can't wait!
And nobody was like, "This is a terrible...idea, Mr. Smith!"
God damn. Now I know where Jaden gets it from.
-Ooh. Orcs. -Shit.
Although this is a great idea. This is very original.
Except they already did this. It was called "Alien Nation."
Hello! Where they drank rotten milk.
They were cops, and they were racist against the alien cop,
who was the first alien cop.
But it's young. You people don't remember this.
-Wow! Wow. -I am shocked.
They said astoundingly --
No. Usually they just be like, "The movie's bad."
No, they were like, "No, I need at least four more words
to talk about how bad this is."
"Astoundingly bad in virtually every way." Damn.
They're like, "This movie is like if the Black Plague was put on film.
This is terrible."
And people started noticing some changes in Will Smith's manners
in his interview back in the day.
So maybe that explains this bad movie.
I don't want to be an icon.
Um, I want to be an idea, you know?
I want to represent an idea.
Fam!
-Pass that loud, bro. Wow! -Yo.
I want to represent magic, right?
That you're in a universe --
Look at Tavis.
Tavis is like, "What the...is this nigga talking about?"
That you're in a universe and 2 plus 2 equals 4.
2 plus 2 only equals 4
if you accept that 2 plus 2 equals 4.
No, nigga. There's 2 fingers, There's 2 fingers.
Now put them together. There's 4 fingers.
That's it. He's talking like he's trying
to get us on some wild money scheme on Facebook.
Yo, come on, dawg! Chill!
2 plus 2 is gonna be what I want it to be.
Nigga, 'cause you're rich!
He's talking to us like he's a pimp.
[ Laughs ] "Hey, say, listen, man.
2 plus 2 equals 7 if you ask me.
Just hit the strip, bitch. Get my money."
You know we gotta ask it. What's the net worth?
It gotta be in the billy.
Does he have enough in the bank to talk like this?
-How much? -Oh, no! Ding, ding, ding!
Listen. My guy, you are an idea.
And if you say 2 plus 2 equals 5...
Then we're with you. Yes, sir.
♪♪
Number-one show in late night. Nothing but illustrious guests.
Most propping brand in the world.
That's right. Don't you ever forget it.
Tonight we have NBA legend,
the top Knickerbocker of all time.
-You know what it is. -Baron Davis!
He also is the founder of the Black Santa Company.
-Yeah. -You know what I'm sayin'?
We're here to talk about that basketball shit, too.
Baron Davis, come to the table! Whoo!
♪♪
You signed into the BIG3 at a charity event?
Yeah, so, you know, I just wanted to hoop.
So I felt like, man,
they ain't gonna give me a chance to play in the NBA,
so the best next competition is the BIG3.
And it's in the summer, so it's a chance to travel
with the boys, the family, you know?
And then Cube -- I've always been a big fan of Cube.
So it'll be fun and entertaining to do that.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -So you have a mixtape out
as part of your Black Santa movement?
What's the Black Santa movement?
So, you know, I started this Black Santa --
I created this Black Santa character,
one, to, like, bring some positivity
to black people, you know? -Right.
We've never had a jolly, friendly,
on-time gift giver blessing someone.
You know what I mean? Reliable.
I've never had that black man in my life.
And so, you know, when you start
looking at superheroes and characters,
you start looking at people, and it's like,
"Man, Mickey Mouse, he's perfect. This guy..."
It's like -- why can't we have perfect characters
and perfect people that we can look up to
and start learning our lessons from?
So I was like, "Why not Santa Claus?"
'Cause Santa Claus is probably, like, the happiest,
jolliest person. You know what I mean?
And we actually need that as a people.
And so I'm looking at him being, like, my first character.
I start building out a world of characters.
-Right. -Then I gave them all voices.
I was like, "Man, well, if they were to do music,
we should make a Christmas album."
So we made this Christmas album,
and each character has a song in it.
And then eventually we'll scale it up
to, like, TV show, movie.
But, like, just, you know,
keep building out the world and the characters.
[ Jamaican accent ] Big tings are gwan.
Very impressive.
Do you have a favorite dunk that you remember?
Uh...
I remember the one in particular at Golden State
where you just came coast to coast and just --
I don't know who it was, but you just flushed it on him.
And I was just like, "Bruh, this is why I got League Pass."
-I think that was Houston. -It was Houston?
I think Houston. I think that was a Houston game.
But I would say -- Obviously the Kirilenko dunk.
But my favorite dunk is --
-The first person I dunked on -- -Ooh!
The first person I dunked on in the NBA was Kevin Garnett.
Yes!
And Kevin Garnett was somebody who I played on our AAU team.
You know, Kevin Garnett was like a god.
He was like a don.
And so when I dunked on him, that was crazy.
'Cause that was my rookie year.
And then I would say --
And then I dunked on Vin Baker.
Now, when I dunked on Vin Baker,
he thought he blocked the shot.
So we was going down the court, and he was like,
"You better not do it. You better not do it."
And I took off.
And when he -- We jumped at the same time.
And he thought he blocked it.
He was like, "Man, get that shit outta here!"
[ Laughs ] The shit went on his face.
[ Laughter ]
"Get your shit outta here, B."
He was like, "Did that go in?!"
"What you think, mother...?"
Yo, what's the toll on your feet playing in the NBA?
'Cause there's a wild picture of LeBron's feet looking crazy.
And I'm like, "Is this NBA..."
-Is that the normal -- -The mileage? Like...
Man, that's, you know -- It's like, you know --
You work with your feet and your hands the most.
You know what I mean? And you in shoes all day.
So, you know, you running and you stopping and cutting.
So he's just smashing them joints.
That's why them join--
Got NBA dudes, them feet be like...
And you gotta wear the exact size so it don't --
You know what I mean?
You got like two or three pair of socks,
trying to stop the cushion, but you just --
And it's a new pair of kicks every game.
Hey, man. I had a teammate, dawg.
I thought he had four toes. And when I saw --
I walked in the locker room. He was getting his ankles taped.
I was like, "Damn, dawg. Damn!"
I was like, "Damn. I didn't even know that!
B, I didn't know you was playing with four toes!"
I was like, "You amazing, dawg! How you balance like that?!"
He's like, "Nah, my other toe's just under my foot."
No. Then I went around. I was like, "Oh! It was tucked!"
Toe was leaning -- It was hiding?
And that's when I was a rookie in Charlotte.
He was just looking at me, dude. He was looking at me like...
"Wait five years..."
He was like, "If you don't get the...outta here..."
'Cause as a rookie, I wasn't allowed to go in the training room.
I couldn't get taped. I couldn't get treatment.
You know, like, back in the day --
Hazing and shit like that.
Nah, it was like, "What you need treatment for, dawg?
Get your punk ass up and go outside and go shoot some free throws."
And then me, I'm coming in with jokes.
You know what I mean? So they didn't like me around.
Especially -- I'm a morning person.
Early in the morning, I'm like, "Damn, dawg.
Damn, that's...up dawg. You made it with four toes?!"
Now, we were with you at the NBA Awards,
and you was cooking niggas.
-No. That was y'all. -That was you. That was you.
-That was y'all. -Y'all was cooking niggas.
I'm-a tell y'all. Y'all got me in trouble at the NBA Awards.
'Cause I was over there cooking. And I'm sitting there.
And everybody looking at me thinking it's me.
I was like, "Dude, I promise to God."
"It's not me throwing cookies at Charles Barkley.
It's not me. It's them."
You was throwing cookies at Charles Barkley.
[ Laughter ]
-Just rich-kid shit. -Yo!
He was hungry. He was hungry.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Baron, what would you like your rainbow to say?
I would like my rainbow to say "Blacksanta.com."
-Blacksanta.com. -Blacksanta.com.
-Baron Davis in the house. -Yes, sir. NBA legend...
-Don't ever forget it! -...mixtape. It's out there.
-Big B. Henh! -Mama, I made it.
-Hey! -I'm famous now.
All my friends are gonna love me.
♪♪
Last shout-outs of the year, ballbags.
Yeah! See you in 2018...
[ Laughter ]
Yo, shout-out to taking your Christmas decorations
a little too seriously.
Hey, yo!
Nah, I'm calling the homeowners association...this.
Yo! What the...? Is this Quavo house?
♪ Ridin' with my niggas, top down, blowin' Swishers ♪
♪ R-Ridin' with my niggas ♪
Whoa! Shit! No, this Paul Wall house.
-Wow! -Hey!
This is definitely Southside. "Mayne."
They put blades on the... reindeer like, "Yeah! Yeah!"
Wait till you get that light bill, Terrell.
You're gonna be tight.
"Fat Pat. Where 'dem haters at?"
Yo! [ Laughs ] Shout-out to Fat Pat.
Oh. He went to Home Depot, and they was like,
"What kind of decorations you want?"
He said...my nigga.
Yo, shit.
He was like, "I want something...would be proud of."
This is the Swisha house.
♪ Get around as your whip ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
-Wow! -Hey!
Hey! Your man pulled the whip out!
Oh, shit! [ Laughs ]
Yo! I know where I'm going for Christmas.
Yo, shout out to getting wild-smacked
after getting your wisdom teeth removed,
which is the only positive thing,
is they pull your teeth out of your mouth
but then they give you wild drugs!
Oh, boy. Oh. This isn't -- No.
This is not what they're suppo--
You're not supposed to do that after you do that.
No, he's actually -- That's the safe way to do it.
-Oh, okay. -Supposedly.
Because if you do --
After you get an extraction, if you suck on it,
you get dry socket, which is very painful.
So the only other thing you can do other than not smoking...
Maybe take a break from smoking for a little bit.
But, nah. Smoke through your nose. Okay.
You never did a nose blunt? Like...
Oh, Many times. I've done double nose blunts.
[ Laughs ] This is a true story.
I got my wisdom teeth pulled, and Fred the Godson
told me that it was okay to smoke weed, just not cigarettes.
I don't know how accurate that is, but that's a dead fact.
I seen homey from the bodega.
I love how you said Fred the Godson
like the room was gonna be like, "Yo!"
"Oh! He's the authority on dental."
Everyone's like, "Is he the head of the dentistry in the Bronx?"
Like, what else do you ask Fred the Godson about?
Like, Fred the Godson is just on the other side of the fence,
like the guy on "Home Improvement."
Just giving you bad advice.
Yo! "Frederico"! My man. Come on.
BX all day. East Tremont. You already know what it is.
♪♪
Number-one gang-sign thrower in the NBA. You already know.
Yeah!
[ Laughter ]
John Wall coming for that title, though.
Man. John Wall.
When I saw John Wall, I kept rewinding it.
I was like, "What?"
I was trying to understand what was he throwing up.
And I still --
I guess he started to figure out what it was.
But at first, he was --
That was absolutely nothing.
Desus: It was a lot. It was a lot.
Baron: Man, he was stacking hard, too.
[ Laughter ]
Bruh! Like halfway down the court, like, yo!
♪♪
Hey, ballbags, we will be taking a holiday vacation
because we're human beings and we need a break.
Mm-hmm. We'll be back January 2, 2018.
So if the country's still here, you will see us.
If not, well, enjoy your demise.
Yo. Happy birthday to Nems.
FYL. You know what I'm sayin'? Holla.
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