I first started making videos because I wanted to.
Not because I wanted to have a channel.
I liked the making itself, the process itself,
and when I upload the videos and share it on the internet,
people actually come watch my video and respond to it,
and that whole organic process was so exciting, fulfilling, and joyful.
What I found to be the most attractive was I can do whatever I wanted to.
I can make it the way I want, without a boss who tells me what to do and what not to do.
But many people around me asked me when I just started out, "Why are you doing it?"
Like there must be one specific reason.
And when I couldn't really give one specific answer they wanted to hear, which I suspect is online fame,
they seemed confused.
For many people these days, it is weird or unbelievable to just do something because it makes you happy.
You've got to have a reason for doing something,
and that reason should always be linked to material possession, whether it be money, power or status.
And then, when the number of subscribers reached a certain level,
people's question changed to, "How come you have such a low number of subscribers?"
And sneered at how low they think the number was.
And a part of me agreed, because this is in no way big compared to 100,000, 1M, 10M subs,
and in fact I did try what I could think of to spread my videos for more people,
and I actually want more people to watch my videos,
because after all, I made them not so that I could watch it alone,
I made it to share it with other people, because I know the messages are truly important
and would add value to other's lives.
But at least for me, the number of subscribers I have always felt a lot,
because I've never been exposed to this much audience before.
And behind that number, there are real people with real human heart who will feel the message of my video,
not a machine that just clicks on my video for my view counts.
And the fact that real people watch and respond to my work, that itself felt huge to me.
Before I started YT, I've always been a full-time worker at a company,
and in the culture I grew up in, full-time position at a good company is commonly considered an idealistic career and lifestyle.
But when I started Youtube, it felt like a totally different realm away from the competitive, hierarchical corporate world.
I could work the way I want here. I have a voice, and nobody can silence me.
And that was the most wonderful charm about YT for me.
But pretty soon, I realized, Youtube too is full of competition and hierarchy that I was disgusted by in the corporate world.
It's just that it's in a different form.
So Youtube is a community, and many Youtubers, especially if they are in the same region,
get together, help each other out making videos, collaborating and so on.
But soon I realized, there are invisible comparison and competition going on in this world too.
I had no boss, no one I have to consider to be in higher position than I am,
but I've met some content creators who wanted to think they are a better creator than I am
just because they have more subscribers,
and some even belittled my videos for having low views.
When I just wanted to hang out with them and have good time,
they seemed like they cannot really get away from I have more subscribers than you comparison.
It was just obvious to sense during the conversation.
So that mismatch between how they wanted me to think of them and how I actually think of them
never helped us have genuinely pleasant time and agree on much.
At some point, I felt upset and hurt that people would belittle my contents so easily like that,
it's all my hard work and love you know,
so I felt, "I have to get more subscribers."
But that reinforced thought that I "have to,"
made me stressed so much.
It was nothing like the stress that I feel when I'm working out, it wasn't like the stress that i feel when I'm writing, making videos, and teaching,
but it was the stress that felt heavy, that nibbles away at my inner peace,
the stress that I was used to when I was a student,
stressing about what university to go to, how good of a grade I would get, did other classmates do better, do other people like me, that kind of stress.
And that stress made me do nothing meaningful for the whole week.
That's when the book "The Power of Now" came along,
and I was thankfully able to get back on my peaceful track,
my own balanced way of living and working, not fretting to have more.
So what I'm trying to say is, wherever you are,
if you start getting involved in competition, comparison and I need to have more game, it will never ever end.
I am not saying goals are not important.
I think if your goal or dream is to become a full-time Youtuber,
then setting a goal to reach a certain number of subscribers is important.
And making money sure is important, too.
You have to pay rent, buy food, treat yourself and people you love to nice things.
I don't disagree with people who are on YT so that they could be famous and make a lot of money.
It's their choice and goal, and I respect that.
What I'm trying to say is, whether it's Youtube or anything,
once you set the standard of how successful you are by comparing with others,
you will never be satisfied and fulfilled long enough.
Once you reach your "goal," you will find out that there are other people out there who have more of "something" than you do,
whether that be views or talent,
or anything.
And yourself or the world will start comparing.
And you if your standard is placed on the outer factors, you cannot but be affected by comparison game.
It cannot but affect your emotion and inner peace.
It will never end.
Even if your number exceeds that of PewDiePie's
and becomes the most subscribed channel on Youtube, pretty soon your ego will start to find other things you lack.
I am not trying to validate my low number of subscribers.
Although the number personally feels big for me,
I do understand it is considered low and not much of a remarkable progress.
But I am gonna keep on doing this.
I'm not a full-time Youtuber, but it still gives me joy
and I know I'm adding value,
and that my videos would save a lot of people's moment from falling into the trap of thinking there's something wrong with them.
And one more thing to people who try to bother me saying how small my channel is:
If you are so worried about it, then why don't you help me get more subscribers?
You can simply share my videos on social media
or donate money so that I could use them on video promotion.
If you are not gonna give me practical help, then that's totally fine, I don't ask you to,
but you also don't have the right to poke your nose into my business,
because after all, you know nothing about my business.
Thank you for watching,
and I hope this video inspired you to continue doing whatever it is that sets the spark in your soul
regardless of the noise and chatter of the outer world.
I'll see you on my next video.
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