- I remember posting a photo of myself
in a swimsuit on my deck doing a back bend
and an inversion and it was a beautiful picture,
beautiful pose, had a lot of great responses
and comments but one of my students commented
in a way that really stung and it was something along
the lines of "no fair, why don't your boobs disappear
"when you do a backbend like everyone else?"
And I realized in that moment that all along
probably my students were judging themselves physically
against what I looked like in a pose
and they were judging it off of something that wasn't real.
17 years ago I turned to plastic surgery for breast implants
hoping they would make me feel better,
more attractive, more lovable, more complete.
I wasn't feeling secure, I wasn't feeling strong
about who I was or how I looked so I thought changing
my body would fix the problem but if anything
it just made things worse.
After surgery I felt different immediately.
I thought I was gonna feel more confident
in the way I looked or the way that my partner
or other people looked at me and I felt the opposite.
I felt much more insecure.
I felt embarrassed.
I would cover up and I would wear clothes
that weren't that revealing because I felt like
they were really obvious.
And so I think my self esteem went down
even after I got them.
As far as relationship wise,
the reason why I kind of got them in the first place,
the relationship still ended.
Didn't fix anything.
The yoga that I practice now is much different
than the yoga I practiced then.
I came into the doorway of yoga like most people
on a very physical level but at the time
when I started to advance my practice,
let's say a couple years after implants,
I started to notice very quickly that
the breast implants were a huge hindrance
in my body and my practice.
There was a lot of poses I couldn't do
or I couldn't feel comfortable in.
There was a lot of times as my practice became
more and more important in my life
that these became a significant issue.
Every time you demonstrate a pose
you are putting your body on display
whether you like it or not.
And, on an emotional level, I felt fake.
To be up there and teaching to them
this acceptance of your body and yourself
and embracing every pose and every part of your body.
Saying that but then knowing that I wasn't
really fully living that myself.
So imagine doing this in '99 and then spending
the next 17 years of just this thing
in the back of your mind like uh,
I feel like this isn't really who I am.
I thought removing them would be as easy as putting them in
but I was wrong, there was a lot of complications
during and after the surgery that led
to even more surgery and ultimately losing my left nipple.
You convince yourself that you're finally accepting
of who you are and that you're
gonna love yourself regardless.
So you take out the implants and say scars, tiny boobs,
whatever, I'll be fine with it, and then oh, but wait,
now you're gonna lose your nipple too.
Now this side is gonna look very different than the other.
It's gonna be smaller, it's gonna be a painful process,
you're gonna have to have more surgeries and you weren't
even sure if you wanted to have this first one.
How are you feeling with that?
(laughs)
Still confident?
Are you still feeling brave?
Are you still feeling like you're gonna love yourself after?
It was dark.
I came in the doorway of yoga through the physical practice,
through the asana, but when I found out there
was a lot more to it, that there was this whole life
and this whole way of being, that changed my life.
And that put me on this path of really connecting
to what I need innately.
Yoga is my practice for life.
It's less about the implants and it's just more about
just being happy with who you are and feeling loved
and supported and not feeling like you have
to do things to change yourself.
You are loved.
You are loved by yourself, by the universe,
by everybody you interact with
and everybody that you haven't interacted with yet.
I believe there's love emanating everywhere.
(inspirational music)
That's really all we need.
So once you realize that you're not searching for
or waiting for that person to give you love,
like it's already within you,
it's already part of who you are,
once you realize that then all is well.
Kinda fits together, you are loved, all is well.
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