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[Music]
Hey.
Alright, so this is show number six.
Uh, it's at the hard hat lounge.
Uh, we're gonna- this is the finale of Philosophizing, and uh, I'm a little bit tipsy.
This is the first show I've done tipsy, so we'll see what- We'll see if that makes it
a better show or a significantly worse show.
I'm gonna go with number two.
[Title Music]
[Music]
The first thing that happened at the Motor City Cafe was I met Sam Lundstedt.
I met Strangling Jack at Motor City.
He's one of the local comics.
He ended up becoming a good friend of mine.
He saw me over at the Dive Bar.
Over at my shittiest show.
It was so good.
So many different voices, super, super talented.
He really liked the Keanu Reeves impression.
Here's Keanu in every movie, "whoa" [Laughter]
We ended up chatting for probably an hour before the show started.
All my aunts love Keanu Reeves.
It got me in the mood to get up and perform Now I'm gonna go ahead and bring up your first
comic.
How do you guys feel about that?
[Applause] Keep that going.
Keep your hands going for Strangling Jack everybody!
[Applause] [Music]
At Motor City, I took the bullet.
There is something in stand-up called taking the bullet.
It came from back in the day in the old wild, wild west that the first comedian out there
was the one who probably could take the bullet, cause they might shoot your ass.
You're not funny, get out of here, POW!
Oh okay, we're done, show called.
Done.
He took the bullet.
Let's go, let's pack it up.
Taking the bullet is, is simple.
It just means going first.
They said to me what taking the bullet is is going up first, because you don't know
what the room is.
Our first comedian is the guy taking the bullet, which is basically the first, the first guy
after the little crappy intro from the MC.
Going first is probably one of the hardest things to do in stand-up comedy.
Half of the audience is just settling in, and they're still thinking about their drive
to the show.
First of all, you're testing the audience, but also they're testing you at the same time.
The other half of the audience, they're waiting on their food or drink order and they're worried
about that so they're also not really paying attention.
Going first means you're the one trying to warm the audience up, so if you suck, it's
harder for that next comic.
I mean the comics after you are going to hate you.
You end up setting up the other comics to fail.
10% of people who aren't there, 'cause I've already used 100%, are the comedians that
are in the back of the room, so they really aren't there.
Or you do really good, and then it makes them do better.
If you kill, then you make every other comic's job easier, cause everybody's already in a
good mood, everybody's already laughing.
Or sometimes you do really good, and that sets up the other comics to fail too.
You don't want it easy [Music]
Every single open mic I go to, everybody signs up three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Go first right on the dot.
But to me, your material is your material.
You're gonna have harder nights in bars and clubs.
As a promoter, I've always recommended that you pick somebody strong to take the bullet,
and kind of encourage them to do it.
Somebody that you know gets the audience going, gets the crowd laughing, and sets the mood.
Taking the bullet is a weird place to be, because it's uncomfortable.
You don't know what the room's gonna be like.
There's no one up before you, so you're kind of on your own.
Because of that, I was saying "um" a lot at the beginning.
Like uh, you know the old uh uh, uh, uh, you're talking about being broke, uh.]
But I ended up getting into it and it ended up being a really good show.
Did you know that four score is a clever way to say 4:20?
That's how I know that Abraham Lincoln was a stoner.
Just getting high and freeing slaves.
Like, ah shit, man, you mean they're not getting paid all this time.
That's a bummer.
[cough] that's a bummer, man.
Oh, by the way, I forgot to say, in uh, in my mind, Abraham Lincoln sounds exactly like
Tommy Chong.
[Laughter] Motor City had the best reaction to Philosophizing
of any of the nights.
Philosophizing with Keanu Reeves.
If an Asian salad is made in America...
[Laughter] is it an Asian American salad?
[Laughter] Do fish drown?
Woah!
Philosophizing is a sketch I did a long time ago, and it's actually my most popular sketch
online.
Do fish drown?
Whoa!
What was One Eyed Willy's name before he lost his eye?
...Willy!
Where's my Chapstick?
Is baby powder made from real babies?
What?
[Sci-fi music] There's a theory that that's actually what
started the Conspiracy Keanu meme series.
They have Ted from Bill and Ted looking all like, whoa, and then just asking questions.
Well Philosophizing came out before that, and there's a lot of comments on there that
say, hey, was this the basis for Conspiracy Keanu meme series?
And maybe.
How the fuck do flamingos sit down?
Whoa!
Who keeps taking my Chapstick?
Can you choke a giraffe?
Nursery rhymes are fucked up.
I had like fourteen fucking Chapsticks!
How do phones work?
Are you eating them?
Is somebody eating them?
Fuck!!
The Chapstick joke was thrown in because it was real.
Fuck you.
That day I just couldn't find my Chapstick, and I was like, "where's my Chapstick?
Who's fucking taking my Chapstick?
I had like fourteen fucking Chapsticks, and like all that stuff was like, why don't I
just throw that in there?
And it ends up being the best part of the whole fucking thing.
[Music]
Night five was Asmara Ethiopian Restaurant.
It's actually an Eritrean restaurant.
Juggling Taxi made that very clear to me.
Ethiopian joint?
Yeah.
No Eretria.
Eretria We had a war.
We had a war.
There's a wall Neo, we had-
A war!
They had a war against Ethiopia, and and they split up, they had a divorce.
They lost to Russia.
They lost it to Russia, well, a lot of people lost to Russia.
[Laughter] Asmara is by far my favorite place.
That ended up becoming my home.
That was my house.
[Indiscernible] Strangling Jack.
Sullivan!
Sullivan.
[Applause] I met Juggling Taxi at Asmara, and Justin
Joe Brown that night.
The best prostitutes are are bisexual, right?
You know how I know that?
That's what makes them the best.
[Laughter] Taxi got the place set up because he knows
every Ethiopian in Las Vegas, and Justin's the host.
I became famous in Ethiopia.
Nobody even knew me in Nevada.
It was kind of aggravating, I'm famous in Ethiopia, but I'm not famous here.
He takes away all the, the pressure.
Uh, he makes it really silly.
He makes it fun.
He comes out with all these different characters, he interrupts people.
He jumps up and starts taking selfies, and pictures of people in the middle of their
set.
Don't move.
Look good, work it.
Come on, vogue.
Come on vogue it.
Vogue it!
He's insane, and it's great.
At first, everybody thought I was crazy.
They still do.
It's part of what I am.
There's no way that you can be an uptight asshole in that place, and because of that,
I loved it.
It was a blast.
Why do bats have eyes?
[Laughter] [Music]
Before the show started, Joe talked to me a little bit.
He's like, "Where do I know you from?"
And I told him that I was the star of Evil Dead, and he was like, "Oh my god, I've
seen that thing four times."
We're hanging out and we're doing an open mic, and I'm looking around our circle.
We're all enjoying each other, talking.
One dude's a felon, then I got an ex-cop.
We have a porn star, the fucking lead from Evil Dead.
Just the strangest people I meet, and, but we all get along together because we have
this thing in common of comedy.
Once I knew that I had somebody in the audience that was already a fan of what I do in a way,
I was already comfortable.
I'm tall in case you haven't noticed.
[Laughter That's why, that's why it looks like I'm
about ready to tell a ghost story, not a joke [Laughter]
One of the most obvious things about me is I'm very tall.
My buddy Big D used to say, "You eleven foot twelve!"
And he was right, I'm eleven foot twelve.
Being tall, you do tall people shit.
You avoid public transportation, and play Limbo in the shower, and if you, if you go
through a doorway on an up step, you become retarded for a full three minutes.
[Laughter] Being tall lets me do weird things.
Like I'll dress up like Abraham Lincoln, then walk into a convenience store and buy four
Scores.
Let that sink in for a second.
It's a bit of a force, honestly to get to four score being a good way of saying 4:20.
So stupid.
That is the dumbest thing I've ever said.
[Laughter] But actually, uh, four score is a clever way
to say 4:20.
Anybody know that?
That's what that means, four and twenty.
And by the way, four score is a great way to say 4:20.
I expect to see a hashtag or some shit.
That's how I know that Abraham Lincoln was a stoner, alright, just getting high and freeing
slaves.
So that leads it into Abraham Lincoln freeing slaves while high.
Ah shit, man, you mean they're not getting paid all this time?
[Laughter] Who better to play Abraham Lincoln in this
situation than Tommy Chong.
Uh, four twenty and several years ago, our grandfathers gave birth to this continent,
man.
That's how it goes, right?
That's how it goes.
[Laughter] [Music]
At the beginning of the show, Taxi did this really silly, like, improv thing.
"Improv" I was born in Chicago, and then I was raised
here.
You were born in Chicago?
Yeah I was born in Chicago.
No way.
He got me and, uh, a lady to come up and be in his taxi.
Where in Chicago?
Elk Grove.
Oh my god, I used to get beat up over there all the time
[Laughter] He did this routine about talking to Connor
McGregor on the phone.
He used his juggling pins as the phone.
Betty, this is your phone.
Jimmy, this is your phone.
Because he started it so weird, it just ended up being a fun night.
Like Hollywood runs on weed.
Like without weed, half the industry's gone.
Like uh, no more James Franco.
The whole rap industry.
Never happened.
[Laughter] Jazz in general, like the whole, it's gone.
Uh, Keanu Reeves.
Keanu Reeves, I don't think he'd have been born.
[Laughter] [Music]
When I first moved to Hollywood, one of the jobs that I did, because it was all I could
do, was uh, play one of the, the characters on Hollywood Blvd.
I had an old Neo costume, and so I went on to Hollywood Blvd, and I played Neo from the
Matrix, and I would do the voice and everything, be like, "It's five dollars for a picture,
dude."
He's got the same vocabulary as Little John.
Like, "Whoa, what?
Yeah!
What?
What?
What?
Yeah!
What?
Okay.
[Laughter] I've been doing Keanu Reeves since I was a
kid, since I watched Bill and Ted's excellent adventure.
It was one of my first impressions, and it's still one of my favorites.
I actually have a theory about Keane that maybe he's not high all the time.
You know how in like movies like the Matrix, or did anybody see Johnnie Mneumonic?
Remember that old movie?
Of Course Remember that?
Well in those movies, he's got a hole in his head, like for computer ports, phone jacks,
things like that.
Uh, I think that that hole's really there.
[Laughter] Keanu Reeves has a hole in his brain, and
Hollywood just makes use of it.
One of the jokes that I tell is that he's got a hole in his head.
Back in the early nineties, I drilled into the back of my head chasing the perfect high.
Yeah.
Also, he sounds like he's border line retarded.
If you've taken out part of his brain, it makes sense.
[Music] When I got there, they told me that there
was this big headliner coming out.
His name's Brandon James.
I have wanted to do comedy my entire life.
I grew up a chubby kid, and there's something about growing up chubby that, I guess, you
grow up chubby, you get funny.
And so I got to see Brandon James for the first time.
Brandon James!
[Applause] There's one bit that, that stuck with me.
When someone shows you of an above ground pool, it's like they just showed you a picture
of like an ugly baby.
[Laughter] My favorite joke I love to tell is uh, is
about video games, uh, I grew up a big gamer, 'cause again, I was fat, so I wasn't at prom.
Basically I tell a joke about how video games are made by men, because clearly they're just
letting us do things as men that we can't do anymore in society, but we still really
want to do, you know, like fight eachother, kill dinosaurs, whatever it may be.
Did you guys uh see the Matrix?
Good movie.
Uh, first one was good, but then they followed it up with a couple of long winded, D&D nerd,
dancing next to lava pieces of shit.
Right.
It's like it's, it's lava!
You don't have to be in the lava for it to burn your fucking face off.
If like, if you're- if you're the parking lot far away from lava, you're gonna die.
[Laughter] It's a weird situation, because it's it's
a movie that started off really good, and then it had two sequels that are agreeably
quite bad.
When I started talking about the Wachowski siblings, someone yelled out that they're
both transgender now.
So they're the Wachowski sisters.
One of the directors decides to chop his dick off, and become the ugliest woman in the world.
Did you guys hear about that?
They're now the Wachowski siblings, you can't call them the brothers anymore.
Yeah, both of them did it now.
No, shut up.
Really? they're the sisters now.
They're the sisters!
Oh my god.
Which is true.
I found that out that they both went transgender.
That's, it's a weird thing.
The situation around all that with the Wachowski brothers becoming transgender and everything.
It's a, it's an odd situation, so it just lends itself to being the topic of a comedic
bit.
Alright, that's it, I'm gonna- [Applause]
Wow.
Wow!
[Applause] Mother fucker!
[Applause] [Music]
There is a process to this thing we call comedy.
Whenever I come up with an idea that's funny like on the spot, I gotta write it down.
Like you have to have a note pad on you, or you memo pad on your phone, or even better
is to record it.
[Silent Movie Music] Because then you get the inflection, and where
you are in the moment.
[Silent Movie Music] So recording it is always best.
It's about writing the material, working the material out, finding the material, testing
it out to see if it is funny to anybody else, adjusting it if it's not, keeping it if it
is, figuring out how to work it in to whatever it is that you're telling, creating an entire
piece.
Another way to do it is when you have a topic, and you create jokes about that topic, and
what I'll do with that is I'll do a brainstorm sheet.
I'll just start with the most common things that could possibly come up with whatever
the topic is, write down as many things as I can, create ideas about those, so like what's
funny about this, but when you have all the words in front of you of what is related to
this topic, it's a lot easier to find little bits of that topic and really draw it out,
or build something around that little bit, which can make it a bigger bit in the end.
Sometimes I'll write a love/hate list.
I'll write three things I love, three things I hate, and maybe I'll go into that, for example,
I hate tweekers.
I hate 'em for their metabolism, their constant motivation, but I love the fact that they
recycle.
I just wish they'd quit doing it with all of my shit.
So that's like one example of how I use a love/hate list to make a joke.
[Music] When I come up with something original that's
just out of the blue, what I'll do is I'll have kind of like a filing system.
What the topic is.
Is it sex, drugs, rock and roll, being tall?
Any of the things that are a theme in my life, I'll put those down as topics, and then see
where those jokes fit into that topic, and if a joke just creates a new topic, then you
got a new topic, and you can start building onto that topic.
That bit is a ten minute set.
Do six of those.
Try to find a through theme for those six.
That's all process.
When you have enough topics, and enough jokes about that topic, and you compile those all
together, you got something really good.
Practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice, practice.
You gotta know your shit.
You gotta know it.
After years of writing, I got very good at uh, writing quick, fast jokes the way I enjoy
'em.
I like Henny Youngman's material.
I like comics that got to the point.
So I would start with something that's happened to me, like a real life event, like getting
dumped at Disneyland, which actually happened, shout out to Christy.
The event happens, then you amp it up.
You take small facts of it, like where it happened, and turn it into something interesting,
like make it the line of It's a Small World.
They have a picture of that in their head, and then add on the abuse, like where the
dolls are insulting the crap out of you, so you just pile it on.
And that's, that's kind of my, my process.
I start with something relatively logical and believable, and then I just take parts
of it, and I just amp it up.
Spend time and develop your craft.
Talk to other people.
We have two ears and one mouth for a reason.
Most young comics are busy talking, and telling us, uh, here's the business, here's what I
know.
Why don't you shut the fuck up and listen for a change.
Stand up is really acting.
It could be just as simple as you having had a bad day in real life, but you're up there
to entertain people, so you have to at least act like you're trying to be funny.
Finding what you can randomize on is hard, but you know just ten years of doing it, not
to mention the fact I just do it in my life.
I replace song lyrics out loud all the time.
It's one of my neurosis...
I also eat paper There are lines you need to memorize.
The difference is that these are lines that you yourself have typically written, or you've
written in collaboration with somebody.
You can call a comic and just do jumping off points between one another, and you tell me all
your stories, I'll tell you all mine, and then just kind of hash out some funny stuff.
You are doing lines.
I shouldn't put it that way, although a lot of comics do lines.
Enjoy the process.
The best advise I can give you is enjoy the process of it, because if you don't love it,
you know, you may not make a living at comedy.
It's really hard, it's like being a professional football player.
I could teach you to punt a football, but it doesn't mean you're going to be a professional
at it.
You have to have luck, determination, tenacity, and a skill set.
Even that might not make you famous, but if you enjoy the process of it, that's really
all that matters.
[Music] Night number six is the Hard Hat Lounge.
Back in the early nineties, I drilled into the back of my head chasing the perfect high,
yeah!
Hard Hat Lounge was, it was awkward.
Okay, so, I did really well at Asmara, like really well, like it was my best night so
far, by far.
I was confident, maybe over confident, but I went into Hard Hat Lounge expecting to do
well, expecting to be received as well as I was at like Stateside Lounge, Motor City,
or Asmara, but it was not that.
Let's give it up for mister Strangling Jack right now.
Come on, big round of applause.
[Applause] It started off bad.
I broke the mic, first thing.
I broke the, I broke the mic stand.
It was bullshit.
Ha ha ha ha.
I came here one day and broke the shit.
Honestly it ended up being the worst show since the Dive Bar.
The good thing is, we did get a two camera shoot.
So that's nice.
I had like fourteen fucking Chapstick!
How do phones work?
Are you eating them?
Is somebody eating them?
Fuck!
The problem was there was no reaction.
Most of the people were sitting in the back, like around the bar, so they couldn't even
see what was going on, and there was a couple people at the bar looking down at the games
playing, and there was a bunch of country folk.
It was weird.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever said.
They weren't booing, they just didn't care, there was nothing.
They still laughed at the Morgan Freeman bit, so I knew they were there.
I'm Morgan Freeman.
I'm a seventy year old black man with chocolate chips on his face.
[Laughter] But everything else was just dead silence.
It was weird.
It was annoying.
The mic stand ended up becoming my crutch.
I ended up holding on to the mic stand and kind of wavering around it with an awkward
smile on my face, you know that nervous smile?
Once I realized that I wasn't doing well, it went down hill, it, I just leaned on the
mic stand, smiling, like hehehehe.
It's a terrible place to be.
Why do bats have eyes?
[Laughter] I ended up ending the set early after Philosophizing.
They gave me a golf clap and I got the fuck off the stage.
Philosophizing with Keanu Reeves.
Alright, that's it, I'll, that'll do me for now.
[Applause] It wasn't a great night.
[Music] What I didn't realize was that it would be
the beginning of what was probably my roughest week ever.
[Music] It was an entire week of bombing to come.
[Music] I lost the whole front table the second I
called Jar Jar Binx a Jamaican retard.
So stay tuned to see that epic fail.
Next week's show is gonna be all about bombing.
[Music] I like comics that got to the point, so I've
got a really- is that a fucking cricket?
Did I hear a fucking cricket?
I believe so I'm in a kitchen with fucking crickets in
it?
Is that right?
So do- really great.
How much are you not paying me for this?
On a, on any kind of ah...
God damn it.
I wish I had words.
I wish I knew how to talk.
So [laughing] what was the fucking question?
Another [laughing] I got like cat hair in my fucking tongue.
[Godzilla sound]
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