[Applause]
this is your checklist for the rest of
your life if something's not working in
your relationship this is the first
place you go five disciplines of love
and three of passion these five
disciplines are what the game is all
about the first discipline we call the
discipline of unconditional love and
compassion the discipline what I call it
discipline because you don't always feel
unconditionally loving you're always
feel compassionate if your triggers get
fired if something triggers you're
masculine or feminine you know animal in
you that's survival instinct in you
based on something going on you may not
show up so you know unconditional in
your love and compassion what this
really means put it one phrase put your
lover what it's not about you that's the
law you put your lover first if you are
having problems in your relationship I
can promise you that the problem you're
having right now is you're feeling pain
right now and it's because you're
focused on yourself not your partner
your focus on what you're not getting
your focus on what your partner's not
giving you your focus on something
that's not happening there this is the
number one flaw you want to have an
extraordinary relationship tear up your
rules make this your number one rule
number one rule is my lover comes first
my number one rule is if you love you
put their feelings and needs before your
own second discipline real quick the
discipline of absolute courage and
vulnerability absolute courage and
vulnerability this is learning to love
no matter what I mean truly no matter
what now how many people are going to do
that not many not many people are going
to extraordinary relationship but what I
mean by this is if you have courage and
vulnerability that means you tell the
truth that means you open up most people
out of a lack of courage hold back their
gift this idea that you're going to give
pain to somebody you love you're going
to punish them that takes no courage
that takes no vulnerability that's just
stupidity
so the more global you are the more
power you have
because love penetrates all
third law halal positive intent the
discipline should say have positive
intent by the way discipline weighs
ounces regret weighs tons discipline
weighs ounces or grant waste tons you
don't follow these disciplines you're
gonna have regret all right they're
disciplines their commitment so things
you're going to do no matter what this
Allah means even if it's not easy you
still do it right discipline is it's a
habit that's what a discipline is it's
habit so discipline a positive intent
you know the deeper truth that this is a
no blame game you know that when
something happens no matter what it was
like when I said that to her my girl
knew she and I made a decision early on
I decided and this decision I encourage
you to make if you haven't made it or
make it anew if you haven't made it in
years I decided I knew this woman's soul
this woman's soul was as pure as
anything I could ever dream of in my
life I knew that I loved this woman her
soul is pure so man what happened I
would serve her and I'm gonna what
happened to my what she said and I what
she did I would know even if I couldn't
figure out how the intent was pure the
intent was one to get closer it looks
mean but she's scared it looks vicious
but she's just freaked out you know and
same thing with me he looks like he's an
unconscious asshole he just doesn't know
it looks like he doesn't give a shit
he's actually a masculine male and this
is what they do right we shifted the
meaning to always there's an empowering
meaning because there's never negative
intent no matter what it looks like no
matter what was said and by having that
along with that they just want to pause
some camp is this no blame game we
immediately apologize it doesn't matter
what could happen if there's any
argument we have it's a playful argument
which is I'm taking responsibility and
she's take responsible I know honey was
my fault that was my fault and it's like
and we mean it sincerely it doesn't
matter what it is because I hold myself
is whatever she's feeling ultimately
it's my responsibility
beautify didn't intended that's it so I
take responsibility I'm sorry honey I'm
sorry your things were she does it with
me also and since we're both are
constantly doing it it makes it like
there's nobody ever blaming somebody
else so think about this we put each
other first we find we're not we change
that immediately right we immediately
look at we got to be courage and
vulnerable you've got to tell the truth
that's really what that is tell the
truth with kindness with love with
making nobody wrong because we both know
you're positive can you break through
all the bullshit with this mm-hmm and
with an apology rather than I'm sorry
you always have I yes always
I hon I'm sorry today when I upset you
or I'm sorry today if I upset you having
the word I am owning it neutralized it's
such a crazy and we so underrate an
apology of ownership owning something
who cares and you love each other who
cares about being right or wrong and if
there really is an unconscious action
and even if it wasn't your intent even
if it wasn't unconscious even if it was
a misinterpretation who cares
own it you own it and it neutralizes
that and it only like brings you closer
it's extraordinary and you got to
remember no matter what they did that's
not who they are if you can remember
that the human behavior is not a
reflection of the human spirit often its
respective reflex action of the animal
inside of us and if you can know that
you know their spirit you know their
soul then you know when people get
insecure when they get uncertain when
they go on survival I've done it you've
done it we've all done it
so instead of judging and making them
wrong because you're scared of being
hurt again you got to come back to I
know what their intent is I know it's
positive you cursed my intent you end
the relationship you crushed my behavior
you got to be right to do that even if I
disagree with you you just never
question ten I've underlined that I'd
bold it I go on if you question intent
you are destroying the relationship so
when you look at somebody usually you
subscribe either what you would do or if
you dislike something about them or
you're an advanced state you'll come up
with the worst reason why they did it
it's never the truth they did it to meet
some needs same as you but underneath it
if you know their soul you just don't
question their intent now think of it
you just did these three things what
would be destroyed on your list oh my
god our kids webinar wait a second my
wife comes first by us and comes first
you know what bottom line is I just and
love them look at these kids are going
to be great I'm gonna bend I'm gonna
find something here for him I'm gonna
find something here for her right I'm
gonna and I'm making it so crazy I'm
being up so upset what am I really upset
about I'm upset thinking my kids are not
going to be the way I want them to do
not my kids are going to be the way
they're meant to be so it's really about
me again
right you know this little absolute
purse you know honey I just wanna talk
to you I'm concerned this is how I was
raised I know you're raised differently
vulnerably I love you I love you the way
you are you're a rebel you love me I
have rules maybe our kids will be okay
with that - what do you think finding
some way you know knowing that there's
positive intent will kill any anger
upset inside this piece fourth one of
the five disciplines fourth is the
discipline of honorable language in
moment-to-moment awareness honorable
language there is power in love
adoration and praise and most of us
don't use it enough most of us don't
praise enough and when I say praise make
a note if you're going to praise your
man or your woman you must praise them
specifically not generally but moment
the moment being consciously aware of
the impact well the impact that you're
having with your language and your
presence on your partner in your
language as well body language words
deeds is knowing you have it as I'm
seeing that impact you know if I'm doing
something and I look over and I see my
girl it's not a great place I don't
continue so what happens for a woman to
understand is we get information in your
word words go into that file in our
brain
well chemists fear emotions go on the
other side but when you say a word to a
woman
it hits both hemispheres it's like if I
asked you where are you on you know the
11th of August in 2001 but if I ask you
where were you on 9/11 coming never
exactly where you were in the room when
you heard about it or you were there you
saw it because information with emotion
is remembered forever and for women
words that you say mean a lot because
they had to turn when she's pleasing you
or not and those words get connected to
emotion and you might just be saying
things because guys say things all the
time right and when you're that upset
men gentlemen there's nowhere to go
you're never going to hurt that woman in
a million years so the only way to let
go so the pressure is yeah
Oh or scream or use some words but then
she takes those words in and she's hurt
by and here's it here's a trip a
marriage a very passionate man whose
marriage is certainly a very passionate
woman and little you know we made
decisions I never I hate you never I'm
going to leave you and not su tone will
say SSS now that like I mean itching
home flying out of his mouth and have
such a level intensity but after F sake
Q but just gotcha whatever that might be
is different than ever to you that and
one other big one I'll give you is if
you ever threaten the end of the
relationship end it because if you ever
threaten it when people go to put their
button on the tail on the button you
know just the threatening because
they're so frustrated the moment you do
that somewhere in the psyche of your
partner they think oh my god they can
leave me and I'm I gotta have to do this
first and so they put their finger on
the button and all it takes is enough
time to doing that enough years of doing
that and one day somebody push the
button if you are committed to the
relationship you're in Bay n for life
for multiple lifetimes for those who are
going to come back six and seven times
like some of the people here did you man
for multiple lifetimes I will never ever
ever threaten never neither of you ever
threatens the leaf if you thread the
leaf relationships over might take three
more years five more ten years but it's
over if you want to be in relationship
with this person don't ever ever ever
threaten as you did before it's
off-limits forever no exceptions as I
mad you are angry or sad you are never
you not unconscious in your language and
unconscious with your deeds you're aware
of the impact and you correct it
immediately
you constantly realized I'm pissed off
I'm heard I'm sad it's about me let me
step out of me I'm gonna something
bigger here right this is I'm not about
them about something bigger it's what do
they need let me step to me you do that
enough times it'll become a habit then
finally number five the discipline of
giving freedom giving freedom men live
for freedom women need it also but it
comes in different forms and it's the
power of forgiving forgetting and
flooding forgiving forgetting and
flooding now women seem to have more of
it
with forgetting but you can be forgiving
and forgiveness is when you realize that
what you thought happened didn't really
happen you gave it a meaning that
doesn't really match reality you're
expecting your partner to be something
different than they are flooding is with
the most valuable skills you can do in
your life if you don't flood you'll have
a hard time forgiving and forget it
and we flood our magic moments I mean at
all over all the time and we capture
them you know we have our little app of
a journal that we capture all of our
just our beautiful moments after this
event when we get home on Sunday we'll
spend an hour and just capture all the
beautiful moments that happen here
everything that was funny everything it
was beautiful everything that was
touching because otherwise it's just
it's actually what Nicole was talking
about maybe she talked about framing you
have a peak experience and you actually
give words to it and that frames it and
it helps to get to that place it's just
like you bypass all that effort that
took you there and then that's your next
starting point and then you have another
peak experience and then you share that
new frame that you give language and you
give words to it and then boom you set
the hata
the bar higher and a lot of times what
happens is we magic happens in life
grace pours and we don't give words to
it we don't celebrate it we don't
recognize it we don't see it we don't
appreciate it in putting words to that
of appreciation and of selling and
reliving and experiencing it it is it is
I would say it's one of the top 10
things for us that we do that just it is
nice and that feeling and just of utter
appreciation we always capture so we can
go back and read it it's so beautiful
this is this is okay this is something
to share so when we first I scan a
little he was so ah oh my gosh like I
mean rigid militant flu like so intense
about these things and so I mean anytime
that anybody would talk about eggs he
was just like in did what felt like he
was not vicious but it felt like that
level of intensity and so we were
together and I was feeling like I needed
more protein and we share everything
and it was so crazy because I started to
eat eggs and I literally and I know this
episodes us but I did not tell him and I
felt like I was having a frickin affair
with an egg and I was
I mean I was go into the pantry and I'd
eat the eggs and I'm like this is nuts
like this is just this is crazy it
seemed ridiculous and it sounds nutty
but what was again I put so much energy
into hiding my egg eating and and then I
got to the day I was like this is this
is outrageous this is just out of hand
and I sat him down
was she funny to you on each of them
shared with the affair she betrayed him
he does
toreador he does and I shall eat him
again I really I'd love breakfast I love
my eggs and I love my bread I love her
so I love an egg eater now you know the
truth yes so we disagree completely but
we love each other so that's how you
balance it out you get it you get it you
put love first you love more than your
rules and it makes you a better human
being because it opens you up because
lots of things we're making life and
death that really aren't they really
[Music]
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