And we're rolling Alright, so there was a political before me,
and he was handicapped, and so, and then a comic before him had diabetes, and so like
there was a couple of like sad stories, and of course my set had to deal with a Jamaican
retard of Jar Jar Binx, and diabetes.
So I cut the diabetes bit, uh, and I kind of forgot that the Jamaican retard thing was in there,
and I lost.
I lost the whole front table the second I called Jar Jar Binx a Jamaican retard.
[Title Music]
[Music]
Night seven was the Baja Bar and Grille again.
This is my second night doing the Baja Bar and Grille.
It's a pretty cool place.
Last week I had a great time at the Baja Bar and Grille.
I know Kung Fu Hey I know Kung Fu too, man.
Asian guy, he lives down the street from me.
Real nice guy, he's teaching me karate.
[Laughter] This week did not go the same way.
[Music] Like one of 'em uh is has uh uh
Once again, everyone was quiet, I was nervous.
I had the stupid smile, I was pacing around.
Oh, you had a uh, uh a Schwarzenegger thing.
Alex Ansel did a bit where he said he wasn't going to do a stupid, hacky Arnold Schwarzenegger
impression, and so I said, You want the uh, the cheesy fuckin' Schwarzenegger
thing?
I'm good.
[Laughter] Fuck you, I'm doing it anyway
[Laughter] And I did a bit that wasn't ready yet.
I ended up doing it later on, and it was really good, but that time, it was kind of on the
spot, and I was a little nervous anyway, and it just didn't work well.
Everybody get down Yeah, that's right, everybody sit down.
No, no, look, there's no chairs here.
I said everybody get down.
It didn't feel right.
The placement of the set was weird, and it was a new set, so it was nerve racking already.
I did a thing that I tell impressionists never to do.
I do a bunch of what my lady friends call fucking voices, so.
I started the set saying I do voices, so they're already expecting to hear voices.
Anybody know who Wilford Brimley is?
Yeah, the diabetes guy.
That's right, old white guy looks like the fucking grumpy cat.
Yeah, that guy.
What I should have done is do some voices first, and then say, "you realize I do voices."
I'm all crazy on Oatmeal.
I'm Wilford Brimley, and I'm being held up by rope.
[Laughter] So I rushed through all the laughs, and then
I actually had two applause breaks, and I rushed through those too.
Talk into my good ear!
What?
What?
[Applause] Gilbert Gottfried will come out of nowhere
[Applause] He just looks dead, that's Christopher Walken,
man.
That's right, boys.
I'd have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids.
[Applause] Scooby keeps attacking him.
I just stepped on those applause breaks.
It pissed me off, like while I'm doing it.
You ever have that feeling like, like you, you can see yourself behaving in a way, but
there's nothing you can do to stop it?
That's what it was.
I'm like, ah, I just got an applause break.
Keep going, just fuck the applause, just get out of here.
This week on Scooby Doo, the gang meets Chee- Tommy Chong.
I fucked up the beginning of the Scooby Doo bit, and it threw the whole thing off.
Like man am I high, Scoob.
Ree hee hee hee!
Ri ruv ru Raggie.
Wow, man, that's the most acid I ever saw a dog take, man, wow.
[Laughter] When it's not going well, I have a tendency
to have the nervous laugh, and start pacing around, but the biggest problem is that I
don't give it the performance that it deserves, and that always fucks you up.
Kermit the Frog singing Nine Inch Nails.
I want to fuck you like an animal Yadadadada!
Animal fuck!
[Laughter] He does.
He's the only one in that group that does.
[Laughter] If you're not giving it 100%, it's gonna suck.
And when you're bombing, you don't give it 100%, you just don't, cause you immediately
start second guessing, and start over thinking everything.
You're certainly not performing every bit the way you want to do it.
Get Life Alert.
Or I'll invade your home!
Which only makes the bombing worse.
I'm Wilford Brimley, and I'm already dead!
You become introspective.
It becomes a downward spiral, and everything just kind of falls apart, and anybody who's
watching is going to be like, "This guy fucking sucks.
Who's this fucking guy?
He needs to get out of comedy.
He needs to just get the fuck out of comedy."
Bombing [Music]
Sometimes that hurts.
Bombing sucks.
You don't feel smaller or dumber.
Seriously it's the worst thing in the world.
It's a necessary part of your growth as a comic.
It's going to happen.
There's been bombs that will like hurt you for a year later, like you still have nightmares
about 'em.
It's so easy to just tell yourself, there's always that voice in the back of your head
that, that makes you think like you shouldn't be doing this.
What makes you think you should be up here talking to anyone.
How'd you get microphone?
Who gave that to you?
You idiot.
[laughing] You know how they say that the number one
fear is public speaking?
Well people aren't afraid of speaking in front of people, they're afraid of bombing.
That's the whole reason it's a fear.
It's literally the biggest fear on the fucking planet.
Bombing sucks a lot.
Every comedian has bombed.
If a comedian tells you they've never bombed in their life, they haven't ever done a stand
up show.
Ever.
Or they've only done one, it went really well, and they never did it again.
In no other art form is it truer that perception is reality.
If they're not laughing at you, you're not funny.
It doesn't matter if you know you're funny, or if your manager thinks you're funny, or
the club owner thinks you're funny.
If they're not laughing, at that particular moment, you're just not funny.
You learn something when you bomb.
bombing is when none of your jokes hit, and it really kind of snowballs.
You live and die by weather the audience laughs or not.
You grow when you bomb.
It's like when you get broken up with for the first time.
You grow as an adult a little bit when you get your heart just ripped out and ate.
And once the audience decides they don't like you, it's really hard to win them back.
Or you accidentally kill your first migrant worker.
They no longer accept what you're telling them.
You forget to change the oil of your wife's car and it explodes on the highway.
All of these things.
You learn from these mistakes.
Or you get a new wife.
You can do something that's just having them rolling in the isles one night.
You deliver the same lines the same way, and you get what I call the Elmer Fudd polite
laugh.
[polite laugh] It's just a vibe.
Sometimes you click, sometimes you don't.
Uh, sometimes your joke that kills every single time will just hit the wrong ears and the
wrong crowd [Music]
The people that tend to bomb the worst are like white guys that want to say the "N" word
on stage, you know, stuff like that, or if they want to talk about a bunch of politics.
Like I don't talk about politics or really you know anything you know controversial,
cause I just don't give a shit about any of that stuff.
The big thing is when you go up on stage and you're at an open mic, and after you're done,
you know you didn't do good.
It doesn't matter, but when the host comes up and like rips into you, that's something
that you don't forget about.
I've gotten girlfriends from good shows . I've lost friends from bad shows.
There's a different vibe in the room.
It shifts when a comedian starts bombing.
It's tangible, you can feel it.
You watch the audience suddenly close up.
You almost feel like a drunk professor giving a lecture to a bunch of sober people who've
never had a sip of beer before.
It's like the audience hates you.
They don't dislike your topics, they don't dislike your comedy, they dislike you as a
person.
It's no longer about your jokes, it's about you.
They don't want you there any more.
They want somebody else.
Think about how many people say, like, oh I hate Will Farrell, oh, I hate Ben Stiller.
They don't say that I don't like their comedy, they say, "I fucking hate that guy!"
Sometimes you gotta know you're bombing and get the fuck off stage.
Just be like, "I'm out" and "Thank you for your time, that's my time, you folks have a good night.
And then don't be the A-hole and blame the audience.
It's not the audience's fault you didn't do well that night.
I've seen good comics have a really bad show, and then just stop.
Like forever.
If you got a joke about the Klan, and you tell it in Compton, it might get a great joke.
You tell that same joke in Alabama, you might not get a laugh.
Bombing's hard to recover from, but you, you kind of have to do it.
It's part of it.
Know your audience, and just be aware every comedian's gonna bomb sometime.
That's part of the risk.
That's part of the risk of being a comedian.
The thing that turned around the Johnson Brothers; we had one really really bad show, and many
of us never came back.
Improv comedy bomb, that's the worst.
What I did that night was I wrote, I think, twenty games, I came up with a song, I just
started writing.
I said I'm not going to let this die, and so I went back with the two other people that
stayed with the group.
It was me and two other people after one bad show.
We ended up turning the whole fucking thing around, and making it something huge So if
you can push passed bombing, that's when you can really start to grow.
[Music] [Godzilla sound]
[Music] The next night, night eight was back at the
Stateside Lounge to try out basically a whole new set.
Alright, I'm gonna leave you on that shit.
That's good enough.
[Applause] I realized a lot of things after that performance.
I went home and pretty much rewrote the entire act, including a bunch of new stuff that I
wrote that night and it ended up being some of the best parts.
I changed the line up.
I put voices at the end.
I did some voices.
I'm Wilford Brimley, I'm old and I'm pudgy and I look like the grumpy cat.
[Laughter] And then I said,
I do a lot of what my ex-wife calls fucking voices
Before I said, I do a bunch of what my lady friends call
fucking voices, so When I added it to my ex-wife, it made it
personal.
If ya'll ready to have a good time, let me hear you say, "Hell yeah."
Hell yeah!
That's what I'm talking about.
[Music] Melvin had me take the bullet, which as you
know from last time means going first.
I want ya'll to put your hands together right now for the very first comedian, I want ya'll
to put your hands together right now for Strangling Jack!
Let's go!
Mesa Jar Jar Binx!
Mesa shutdown the franchise.
The placement of the jokes worked much better.
And it's race- it's racist.
You guys know that it's racist right?
It's like- Yeah!
Oh abso-fucking-lutely The new stuff that I wrote ended up being
the best part.
Mesa Jamaican retard for you to laugh at.
Mesa clown for the white man.
Dance Jar Jar.
I can't decide which is worse, Jar Jar Binx, or Anakin's shit mother.
Woo Right?!
Okay, okay, if you haven't thought about this, listen, like, what kind of fucked up mother
allows their child to- their ten year old to compete in a death race?
[Laughter] Right?
It's like, next week they're signing him up for the Hunger Games.
They're trying to kill that fucking kid.
I pretty much wrote the entire Star Wars bit that day at work.
Do you keep your kid around to make money off him, cause he's a genius?
No, you send him away to live with a couple of strangers from a space religion.
Right?
[Laughter] It's it's a priest and an altar boy from,
from the sky.
Jar Jar Binx, Anakin's mother, the priest and altar boy from the sky.
All that stuff was written that day at work.
No no, bring the boy with me.
We'll give him robes and a shitty haircut.
[Laughter] And then we'll pray.
Then I added in the daytime TV bit.
I started it with, I was watching uh daytime television today.
And then I immediately interrupted myself.
And I started to- first of all, let me back track.
The reason I was watching daytime television is because the only other thing on was Star
Wars Phantom Menace.
It was a good way to do it, because then it allowed me to have a natural callback spot
and finish off the bit with, So I'm, I'm watching daytime television, and
uh I stumble across, you know the diabetes commercials?
"Diabetes" that guy, right?
[Laughter] So just back to where I began.
It was a big side track.
I have diabetes and if you want to keep your foot-
[Laughter] If you want to keep your foot, you gotta stab
yourself in the fingertips every day to make sure you can still eat birthday cake.
[Laughter] I had the Wilford Brimley bit which was old,
but I added the whole thing about diabetes, and having to stab yourself to eat birthday
cake, and they howled at that.
They thought that was hilarious.
He's like [clears throat] Get Liberty Medical, you'll be glad you did.
I'm Wilford Brimley, and I need a nap.
The Wilford Brimley bit is weird.
I know it's weird, but it's something that came up while we were making a really odd
music video.
[Music] I got two olives in my martini.
I got two olives in my martini.
Oh, and then I got one!
And I just started going off on Wilford Brimley being a curmudgeon.
He is grumpy.
He's a curmudgeon.
And it was hilarious, and so I worked that into a bit, and it's, it's still pretty funny.
He's brow beating the audience.
Quaker Oats.
It's the right thing to do and a tasty way to do it!
I'm Wilford Brimley, and I'm being held up by rope.
[Laughter] Oh, and possibly my, my favorite part came
on the spot.
I said, So I uh, so I changed the channel.
[Laughter] It was better, but it still wasn't up to par
with what I'd done before.
It certainly wasn't up to par with Asmara.
It was better, but it still wasn't good.
[Music] The next night I went to Champagnes and the
place was packed.
There was a lot of yelling and hooting and hollering, and yeehaws.
It threw me off I have to say.
Also there was another impressionist from Los Angeles, and the audience fucking tore
him apart.
He did some Trump stuff and the audience said, "You know we voted for eem, right?"
They basically made him leave the stage.
After that, I just left.
I said, fuck this shit, and I'm out.
It's the only one to this day that I didn't do, but seeing that guy get torn apart, the
shitty week that I'd had already, the Trump audience, I knew that if I went up, I might
not do it anymore.
I said, nope, this is a bad sign, and I fucking took off.
Also, just a note for impressionists, don't say, "Wanna hear some impressions?"
Just do the fucking voices.
If you say, "Wanna hear some impressions?"
They're gonna immediately expect you to do either really good impressions or they might
be the type of person that hates impressionists, but either way, you're not going to wow them
with anything, and they're going to judge you more harshly.
That's how I know that Abraham Lincoln was a stoner.
Alright, just getting high and freeing slaves, like
Oh shit man, you mean they're not getting paid all this time?
[Laughter] If you just do the voices while telling a
story, they don't even realize they're hearing an impression.
He kept going after the native Americans.
It was really weird, like that was his big thing.
Its, it's time for them to pay their fair share.
[Laughter] You guys remember that?
They just hear Keanu Reeves, they just hear Schwarzenegger, and if the voices are good,
then it's more impressive, it hits harder, because the audience doesn't see it coming.
[Music] The first night at an open mic, it was at
a place called LA Cabaret.
[Music] LA Cabaret is one of those places that open
micers ran from.
Surprisingly, you know, because comedy is a defense mechanism, I don't know what happened,
I was on.
I was great.
After the show, this cat came up to me, he said, you really understand it man.
You really understand comedy, keep going.
And all I could think is I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.
I don't understand shit, man.
But that's what happened.
And the second night, I did so badly.
I told the joke wrong, and backed up trying to tell the joke again, my voice cracking
and the audience feeling sorry for me.
They weren't mean, and I didn't want 'em to feel sorry for me.
Come on, now.
It would have been better if they booed me.
It was horrible night on stage and literally, I joined the Army after that.
I was like, shoot me, fuck it.
I can take a bullet after that, no problem.
A real bullet.
[Music] This is my first time seeing him, man.
Ya'll give him a warm Boomer's welcome.
Ya'll give it up for Strangling Jack [Applause]
The next night, night nine was Boomer's Bar I just did uh Boomer's Bar.
It started off okay We gotta look at the bright side of things,
this is gonna be a really good year for comedy.
[Applause] You guys remember the Bush administration?
That shit was hilarious!
But then I kind of lost everybody when I referred to Jar Jar Binx as a Jamaican retard.
Mesa Jamaican retard for you to laugh at.
Mesa clown for the white man.
That's the joke that killed over at the Stateside Lounge, uh, but tonight it was really bad
because of the differences in the room.
There was a handicapped comic that came up right before my set, and he was really good.
Give it up for Brandon Johnson, god damn, that was good.
Alright Brandon!
[Applause] And a comic before him had diabetes.
So when I called someone retarded right after a really good handicapped stand-up comedian,
it just shut em down completely.
They literally turned around.
Maybe I should have done different jokes tonight, just because every single thing I was gonna
talk about happened to be addressed in a negative way before my set.
And it sucked because I, I knew that it wasn't going to be very good from that point on and
so I also wasn't expecting myself to do very well.
And so that changed my whole fucking head space.
What kind of a horrible mother lets their ten year old compete in a death race?
Right?
That's real.
Like they're, like they're crashing into shit.
Like the sand people are taking pot shots at him [sound effects]
They did laugh at the priest and altar boy from the sky, so another thing that I wrote
two days ago actually worked there, which was good.
It confirmed something.
If you haven't seen the movie, this is all fucking real.
Like no wonder he became fucking Darth Vader.
They're making Hitler.
That's how Hitler happened.
That was a good feeling that, that my new stuff that I just wrote was doing much better
than my old stuff.
She'd come home, and I'd immediately hit her with like, I don't know, Kermit the Frog doing
Nine Inch Nails or something like that.
I want to fuck you like an animal!
Yadadada!
Animal fuck.
I did the voices bit which I didn't get a chance to do at Stateside Lounge.
I do a lot of what my ex-wife called fucking voices.
It also went much better because I personalized it, I said, my ex-wife called them fucking
voices, instead of just, my girlfriends.
That makes me, it also makes me sound like a coos.
Instead of just this sea, an endless sea of whores, nameless whores.
She'd, she'd get off of a hard day's work, like a hard day.
She worked in a call center, so that's hard time.
She worked in a call center.
That came up on the spot too.
She did, she was doing hard time at a call center, cause it is.
It's fucking terrible.
Or she'd want me to watch one of her Disney movies with her, and so I, I'd be like well
I'll show you what Mickey's like off stage.
You know like off the clock Mickey Mouse.
I've been doing this shit for 100 fucking years!
The best part was, which I came up with completely on the spot was the Mickey Mouse bit.
I did the Mickey Mouse bit, "I'll kick you in the cock!"
I'll be in my trailer, cause that's where the coke is!
Ha ha!
[Laughter] Ha ha...
Fuck you, that's the best Mickey Mouse in town.
[Laughter] I came up with that on the spot and I still
love it to this day.
It's one of my new favorite parts of that set.
See, I told you, man, that's not a ghost, he just looks dead, that's Christopher Walken,
man!
That's right, boys.
I'd have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids.
[Applause] He keeps attacking him.
One lady was loving it.
She just laughed the whole fucking time.
I don't know if she just loves everybody up there and is very supportive, but I don't
give a shit, because she, she kept me going.
Alright, I'm gonna leave you guys with that.
That's it.
[Applause] [Music]
Tune in next week to see if I'm able to turn it around, or if I continue to eat shit.
I don't play guitar.
[Laughter] It was just a shitty day, my dad ended up
flaking out on me.
I'm just like fuck this day.
I'm writing frog puns.
I was coming for the open mic stand up show, which uh, is tomorrow night.
Someone challenged me that day to do some material about Donald Trump.
So you went from being pissed at your dad to writing frog jokes?
That's a leap!
[Laughter] [Music]
So I replaced it by drinking more beer.
That was a slippery slope.
I'm gonna pan down to the gut there.
Oh, look at that, it's old Beavis.
We told him he was going to grow up to be old Beavis.
He he, hey Butthead, my arm hurts.
I feel dizzy.
I'm tired.
[Laughing] You're dizzy because you're out of shape,
dude.
[Laughing] You can be happier in Improv, I think.
[Sneeze] Bless you.
Um, they still have um Wait, wait, sorry [coughing]
[Laughter] I've been a fat guy for a long time, so I
know what I'm talking about, Beavis.
Uh, I'm gonna lose a foot.
[Laughing] [Godzilla sound]
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