Do I still have two minutes left?
Plenty of time.
Knock yourself out Okay, now I'm gonna debut a song here, let
me get something.
Okay, so I have a story about this too.
I don't play guitar.
[Laughter]
[Theme Music]
[Music]
This is my stand up show number ten
Night ten was the Human Experience [Music]
Which was fun kind of a beatnik crowd.
A lot of people like snapping instead of clapping You know [snaps]
It was mostly poetry.
There was some music and there was like three or four comics.
It was like an open forum for open mic entertainment [Music]
After having done so shitty for so many nights in a row, I was already nervous.
So I was nervous and I was low energy the entire time.
The reason I was watching daytime television is because the only other thing on was Star
Wars, Phantom Menace.
You guys seen this?
[Crickets sound] Once again, they didn't know what Star Wars
was.
The same thing happened at Boomers.
No one knew what the fuck Star Wars was Anyone saw that piece of shit?
No, I'm- You never saw Star Wars.
How the fuck do you not know what Star Wars is?
Don't.
It's okay, you don't need to.
One thing, though, I got to do something cool.
I actually have written words, because someone challenged me today
Someone challenged me that day to do some material about Donald Trump.
I don't normally do a lot of political stuff, but they challenged me to do Trump stuff.
I didn't want to go completely, you know, Patton Oswald left wing comic, so I wanted
to see what I could do to kind of draw that line.
So if I had one question for Donald Trump, it would be, is it windy or-
[Laughter] His hair.
Donald Trump is so orange, he doesn't rhyme with anything.
[Laughter] Alright there we go.
Okay.
The ending of the set, though, was great.
How long is this thing here?
Oh, I got eighteen seconds, fuck it, I'm out.
[Laughter] [Applause]
It was really good because I wanted to get off the fucking stage.
I was not having a good time over there.
[Music] So I got why I bombed at Boomer's I didn't
read the room.
I should have done different jokes.
After two of the pieces of my set were already addressed in a negative way before hand, I
should've done something different.
But that didn't explain why I bombed the whole rest of the week.
And we're not just talking about the new set.
We're talking about the old set, the tried and true stuff, the uh, the Keanu Reeves bit,
cause remember that started at Hard Hat.
I came here one day and broke the shit.
So I was wondering what the difference was.
Like one of 'em, uh is has uh...
But then someone at work clued me in on what it was.
There was something in town called Shot Show.
It's a Vegas show for cowboys and guns, and so all the open mics were packed with cowboys.
And I was noticing this.
There were some cowboy comics that were doing really well, whereas the rest of the comedy
community that I was used to was just falling flat on their face.
I do have a hard time making cowboys laugh.
I don't really have a strangle hold on the cowboy mind set enough to be able to relate
to them.
You know other states were carved or born, but Texas grew from hide and horn.
But I've always had a problem with cowboys and bros.
Bros also.
Bros are like my Kryptonite.
Anybody else get here early and saw like this place just packed full of bros?
They're a little racist, they're a little homophobic, they're a little... shitty.
They're shitty people.
Alright, bros are shitty people.
[Music] [Scream - Yeah!]
[Laughing] Comedy and bros don't mix.
They're like, "Fuck you, you're not Jeff Dunham.
[Laughter] And then cowboys are just bros in cosplay.
I mean I can't blame the audience on everything.
It was a new set, had to work it out.
But fuckin bros and cowboys.
Ya never ask a cowboy how he makes his biscuits.
No [Music]
My style of comedy is kind of off the wall.
The way I see it is when I'm on stage, all I have to do is be me and I've been me for
36 years, so that's pretty fuckin easy to do.
My style of comedy, maybe I haven't found it yet.
I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who said, actors try to be other people, while comedians try
to be themselves, like profoundly themselves.
I'm not overly political or topical.
I try to talk more or less autobiographical.
I just talk about what's relevant to me.
I'm just gonna say yeah, stories, a lot of storytelling.
I know how to fall, I know how to trip, I try to get all that stuff in there
I just try to take something and just do the classic twist on an observation
I was a boxer and a clown.
I turned it into a routine, the boxing clown routine, which everybody knows.
Being a minority comic is weird.
It affects your work.
Like I have dark jokes.
I, I like dark and evil stuff, and there's jokes I will not do depending on what the
news is.
If there's news about beheadings, I have to take my beheading jokes out of my act, you
know, and my beheading jokes are hilarious.
[Laughter] I hallucinate when I sleep.
I see things like lights and stuff, so I'm gonna put that in my comedy, and I'm going
to do a mime piece if I can get it in somehow.
I also don't want to be Lenny Bruce.
I think that's being done to death and usually not by people who are as brilliant as him.
I can count on the fingers of one hand how many people are able to do that and truly
do it well.
Oh, I love my puns [laughing] I wrote even minutes of frog puns for my birthday.
You know mom, she works down at the IHOP.
[Laughter] And I asked 'em, I'm like, "What are you guys
wearing for Saint Patrick's day?"
Nothing.
They're green year round.
It was just a shitty day, my dad ended up flaking out on me, nobody did anything, so
I went to Wendy's and got a hamburger, I'm just like, "Fuck this day.
I'm writing frog puns."
The dad works down at the local Wells Frogo.
[Laughter] I like that one.
And then I went to an open mic and did seven minutes worth of frog puns.
Has to get [Laughter]
Work clothes tailored into jump suits [Laughter]
So you went from being pissed at your dad to writing frog jokes?
That's a leap [Laughing]
That's a leap.
The comedy comes from all of the things at the red light that you don't want to tell
your mom, your sister, your brother, your aunt, your uncle.
Those are the things that you want to try to get out there.
Or a story about being a clown and beating somebody up because you're a boxer and golden
glove, and a guy stole your glow lights.
Finding my voice, it's just about me being honest on stage, so insult comedy works perfectly
for me, because I can just look at them, and honestly insult them.
I still say that was my best set ever.
It was just nothing but groans, and at the end, I'm like guys, I'm sorry, this has been
punishing.
[Music] So I went to Legends, which is a sports bar.
I'm here at Legends Sports Bar and Grille I went there on Wednesday night.
I was coming for the open mic stand-up show, which uh is tomorrow night.
Their comedy show was on Thursday night.
I'm retarded.
So, ha, I got the night off.
[Music] The next night was Friday Funnies.
Evidently it's something for pros and working comics to all work on their new material,
and for new comics to go up.
That one I thought was a booked room, cause you had to call in advance to get booked,
and so I invited people out.
This is awesome.
I like this.
I uh, heh heh, I thought this was like a booked room, so like I invited guests and all that
stuff.
[Laughter] And you can see exactly how popular I am.
[Laughter] Oh well.
Taxi and Justin were there, so I was immediately put at ease.
After Asmara, they were kind of fans.
They like what I do.
Having people there that like what you do will immediately make you do better.
Uh, excuse me sir, do you know where the sanitary napkins are?
The what?
Lady's blood diapers Oh, right this way.
The audience affects the comic way more than the comic affects the audience, or any performance
for that matter.
Like if you hear raves about a show and you go, and it's not great, it might be your fault.
People always think I look Mormon, like whenever I knock on someone's door, everyone runs and
hides.
[Laughter] I'm like, what?
Guy can't ride a bike in a shirt and tie?
[Laughter] Brandon James was there again.
He hosted the show.
So I've been married for several years now, and my wife still hasn't caught on that like,
I don't have any man skills.
Last week, the car broke down and she was like, "Brandon go get your tools or whatever"
[Laughing] But I figured out a way to get out of it.
I'm like, honey, that is sexist.
It is 2017.
You go fix the car; I'll go bake some cookies.
Oh shit, there's a spider in the kitchen!
You need to kill it, or I'm not making lunch.
[Laughter] He knew who I was.
He said I was a funny guy and all that stuff, cause he'd seen me actually be funny in my
funniest show.
Next coming to the stage, I believe is Mr. Strangling Jack.
Come on up brother.
Justin laughed at my first joke and it was on.
I was immediately comfortable.
I do like the different themed casinos, like Paris and New York, New York, but my favorite
one is that new Jersey Shore Casino...
I mean you call it the Cosmopolitan, but...
[Laughter] We all know what that shit is.
[Laughter] I did some impromptu stuff at the beginning,
which ended up really setting the tone, but then for the third time, no one knew what
Star Wars was.
The only reason I was watching daytime television is because the only other thing on was Star
Wars Episode One, the Phantom Menace.
Anybody seen this?
And so I kind of flipped out on 'em, I'm like seriously!
Are you serious?
No one's seen Star Wars Episode One, the Phantom Menace.
Anybody in this room?
Okay, thank you, alright.
It's a space- [Laughter]
No, this is the- number three third time like I've gone to a place, anyone seen Star Wars-
it's fucking Star Wars, god dammit!
It's a space drama based on fucking Buddhism.
Alright, well I'm going to tell this to Brandon, because he's the only one who's gonna fuckin'
get it, but that's alright.
Read a book.
Okay, watch a movie.
I watched daytime television, because there's no chance that I'm watching,
Mesa Jar Jar Binx!
Mesa bring down the property value of the whole franchise.
[Laughter] Mesa get George Lucas fired!
[Laughter] It's true.
Everybody knows that Jar Jar Binx sucks.
Mesa Jamaican retard for you to laugh at.
[Laughter] Mesa clown for da white man.
Dance Jar Jar, dance!
[Laughter] So everybody already dislikes Jar Jar Binx,
but one thing they don't talk about is how shitty Anakin's mother is.
What kind of mother lets their ten year old compete in a death race?
I've never heard anybody talk about this but she's a shitty mother.
Shit's blowing up around him.
Like the uh, the sand people are taking pot shots at him
[Sound effects - gun shot and sand people sound]
People are dying.
Like people are losing their lives and he's ten years old.
Good work Anni, next week we're gonna put you in the Hunger Games.
[Laughter] They're trying to kill that kid.
Why does she let him do this?
He's a genius.
So the kid makes it through the uh the death race, he can build robots.
He's a genius, obviously.
If she lets him get to maturity, he might actually build a life for her, but no, she
endangers his life on a regular basis, and just leaves him alone with robots.
Do you keep your genius kid around, maybe make some money off of him, you know, not
be a slave Then at the end of the movie, she sends him
away to live with strangers.
What's worse is they're religious zealots.
Give us the boy.
We'll give him robes and a shitty haircut, and then we'll pray.
[Laughter] I mean when you really think about it, she's
a terrible mother, and I've never heard anybody talk about that.
Every evening we get two very magical things, Jesus Juice and...
Fucked by a bearded zealot.
That's right.
[Laughter] The night before I was at Evil Dead, and I
kind of had a little round table, and they added in the greatest line ever.
Don't worry, we'll use the force.
We're gonna have to use a lot of force, cause he's ten.
[Groans and laughter] So that's not mine, but it came from a brainstorm,
so it's mine.
Anything that comes out of a brainstorm is yours, obviously.
In case you haven't noticed, I do a lot of what my ex-wife called, fucking voices
[Laughter] It was warranted though, cause I would taunt
her with it, like uh, like I'd come up way too close behind her.
I'm gonna use you here buddy.
And I'd just be like some random character from the Simpsons.
My mommy burns symbols into my hand when I touch my special no-no place.
[Laughter] I used a black guy for the uh, for the voices
bit.
Sorry, oddly, you look the most like my ex-wife [Laughter]
And this is all on the spot too.
She's black, but she didn't have an ass, so I don't think it counts.
[Laughter] I had the didn't have an ass bit in the bag,
but I didn't expect to use it.
It's good to have things in the bag.
It's good to have like a lot of material that you don't know where it's going to fit, because
something like that could come up.
Someone could say something, and if you have just a one line joke about something that
someone said, they're going to think that you're paying attention.
They're going to be much more pulled into what you're saying because you're there.
You're not just saying lines; you're obviously reacting to what's happening in the room.
Do I still have two minutes left?
Plenty of time.
Knock yourself out Okay, now I'm gonna debut a song here, let
me get something.
I'll probably premiere the El Paso over there I have a story about this too.
I don't play guitar.
[Laughter] The El Paso is a song I wrote with the Johnson
Brothers that me and Juan did on a regular basis.
Uh, I used to have an accompanist for all my shitty parody songs
Strangling Jack and I wrote this song, Lola.
But he became a vice president for Wells Fargo, so he doesn't play with me anymore.
I couldn't imagine why.
Stupid family.
[Laughter] Stupid family
Right?!
So I actually had to learn how to play the god damn guitar.
He taught me.
I know two songs now.
I know that, and Free Fallin, cause I did of course, Free Ballin.
[Music - The El Paso] This is a true story about me and my Lola.
Out in the West Hollywood bar, the El Paso I fell in love with what I thought was a girl
Her name was Lola and she's a transvestite [Laughter]
She has a penis and two hairy balls.
[Laughter] She'd tuck her beef and her bag in her butthole
Wait until nine and work Sunset and Vine [Laughter]
She would give HJs and BJs and ZJs ZJs
[Laughter] and everyone there had a wonderful time.
It was based on one of my favorite Morty Robbins' songs, El Paso.
In a bar called the El Paso, he fell in love with what he thought was a girl.
[Laughing] I did have to update one line in the song.
It used to go, We could be married, but just in Hawaii
But now it's legal.
Gay marriage is legal, so We could be married, until Trump repeals it.
[Laugthter] Actually it'll probably be Mike Pence that
leads that crusade.
Least until my Lola's Penis is gone.
[Applause] [Music]
The highlights of my stand-up has to be the music, probably.
Music's a big part of my performing history.
I've been doing music since I was in grade school on stage.
They want you to do uh, storytelling today.
I see story telling all the time.
There's a lot of people saying that with stand-up comedy, you need to just stand there and tell
jokes, and be a talking head.
You have to stand there and tell jokes But that's not the case.
While on stage, Juan, my character would pull any tool he had in the tool box to get people
to laugh.
Everybody has talent.
Hey man, if you can do a back flip, do a back flip, impressionists, Carrot top's laughing
all the way to the bank If you look at an actor's resume, at the very
bottom, it'll say skills.
What can you do?
Can you sing, can you do impersonations, can you dance?
And all that comes into play.
Everybody's just looking for that straight stand-up, you know, but they don't realize
that when Robin Williams came, he wasn't straight stand-up, you know.
Andy Kaufman wasn't straight stand-up, you know and and Red Skelton, you know, he definitely
wasn't a straight stand-up.
Use every single thing you have, you know, if you're an impressionist, use your impressions.
If you do music, use your music, if you sing, you dance.
Hell, if you're a mathematician, somehow make math funny, because you're gonna know the
background behind that.
Stand-up, improv, film.
Those talents always come into play, and the ones who know their talents, and use them
to the best of their ability make the most money.
A lot of my performance was pretty physical.
Me personally, I love musical improv.
I always liked voices.
I'd always be in the mirror making faces and trying to look like the people.
I'd do music, I'd sing, I'd yell, I'd scream.
We had one bit where I just screamed on top of a guy waling on a guitar a couple of cords,
it was, it was nuts.
Probably my biggest talent is lyric creation.
I can just make a song out of anything.
I don't know, for some reason it was fun to me.
I don't know why for some reason it was fun to me, but now it's a skill that plays into
the type of work I want to do, so it's very helpful to have it.
Anything that you can do, anything that's silly to lighten up a captive audience is
super.
I also know how to dance.
Actually, I got second place in that improv comedy by dancing Actually doing belly dance,
because I'm a big black dude, and I understand that watching big black dudes belly dance
is hilarious, especially when nobody sees it coming.
We did this ridiculous dance, and sang, "Oh Baby You, You've Got What I need" And then
at the end of that, I was just swimming across the stage, dragging my back across a wooden
stage, getting splinters.
It was just crazy like some of the stuff we did to make people laugh, but like me personally,
I think I hurt myself.
That was me using my talent to win over the audience.
[Music] Night twelve was the Human Experience again.
As far as I could tell, I was the only comic that night, so it was a little weird.
Before we end our show, we've got one last act
But I was also the last person that night, so it was kind of an opportunity to say, I'm
gonna end you on a fun note.
Let's give a big warm welcome to Strangling Jack.
[Applause] I had to redeem myself, cause the last time,
I did not do well.
I said I'm going in there to fucking redeem myself, and I did.
If I say anything else, the IQs are gonna start dropping.
[Applause] My main goal was to get a clean version of
Scooby Doo meets Tommy Chong This week on Scooby Doo, the gang meets Tommy
Chong.
Every time that I'd done it before, it kind of got fucked up.
This week on Scooby Doo, the gang meets Cheech and Chong
Either I'd call it Scooby Doo meets Cheech and Chong, or I'd stutter something.
The gang meets Chee- Tommy Chong.
I did Philosophizing which they liked.
Philosophizing with Keanu Reeves.
[Applause] And then I nailed Scooby Doo meets Tommy Chong,
finally.
Like man am I high, Scoob!
Ree hee hee hee, Ri ruv ru Raggie.
[Laughter] Wow man, that's the most acid I ever saw a
dog take man, wow.
[Laughter] Like get 'em Scoob!
Ree hee hee hee, fuck off.
Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?
Man, fuck that, how 'bout a doobie snack?
Oh shit!
I just rolled a Maui Wowie Scooby Doobie, man
Rokay [Smokes]
Doobie doobie doo!
After the show, a guy named Andrew came up to me, who goes by the name Toxic Flow, cause
he does comedy hip hop, but he was enthralled with my Christopher Walken impression.
See man, I told you, that's not a ghost.
He just looks dead, that's Christopher Walken, man.
[Laughter] That's right, boys, I'd have gotten away with
it too if it weren't for you meddling kids.
He loved it, and he wanted to do something with me, and he thought about doing the cowbell
bit next week at Ron Decar's Event center.
We'll see if I did or not.
Stay tuned.
Where da hell am I gonna find a cowbell now, I don't have anything in here.
It's funny you should mention that.
I happen to have a cowbell right here.
[Laughter] He did
I did Come on, of course.
Are you kidding me here?
Come on.
Christopher Walken over here.
Bruce Dickenson.
I put my pants on one leg at a time like you.
Only difference is, when my pants are on, I make gold records.
[Music] [Clears throat] I'm sick right now, fuck you.
[Laughter] That goes on the blooper reel
[Laughter] That so goes on the blooper reel.
It's a horrible feeling, because you've put your mind and your heart and soul into at
least up to a point, except for me, I have no soul, but for most people who have a soul
You don't have anything that can capture VCR tapes do you?
VHS Oh, no I'm sorry, I don't own a time machine.
What the Hell are you talking about?
[Laughter] [Godzilla sound]
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