Hello, this is Yahweasel!
Let's play 古墓丽影, possibly also known as Tomb Raider, but possibly not.
So, those who don't know me, or are just finding this video: I have an obsession with terrible,
terrible broken ports of video games.
Whether they're terrible first-party ports that were just too ambitious for their platform,
like, say, N-Gage games—actually the N-Gage version of Tomb Raider, or the DOS version
of Tomb Raider, is a perfect example of those—third party cash-grabs, like every game for Game
Boy Color, or just totally unauthorized bootlegs like good old Tomb Raider for NES, that we
are seeing right here.
This is Tomb Raider for NES!
Ah, I'm just gonna dive in.
So, the way I do these bootlegs is with live translations.
This is filmed in front of a live studio audience, so they just have to wait.
Those of you who are watching the video will see this translation pop up in that window
on the left quite quickly.
Laura, whoever that is, got the news, banker Sean led the expedition in a remote small-town
accident, and immediately rushed there Laura in the hotel to see the expedition rich man
Frank, historian Spark.
From Frank, learned that their expedition into the ancient temple into the ancient...
Hmm, already great translation.
This is translated by Google Translate, by the way, in case you couldn't guess.
Let's, let's continue from the actual line: from Frank, learned that their expedition
into the ancient temple into the ancient line inspection accidentally discovered of an ancient
map temporarily by Sean custody.
But the day before yesterday, he was suddenly bizarre!
He was– he was a normal guy, and then suddenly he was just really odd.
And it's not, you know, he hasn't done anything wrong, but he was normal and now he's just
bizarre!
And the locals said he was cursed.
The old map also disappeared.
Dot dot dot dot dot dot!
Oh and we just dive right in, okay, that's your intro, I certainly hope that was sufficient!
Hint: it wasn't!
Why hello there, chicken-leg man.
So by the way, I've played a tiny bit of this on stream before, but not with translations.
Let's see what chicken-leg man actually says.
"This town has a history of hundreds of years."
Really, that's all you say?
Why have that character?
Mr. Chicken-Legs old man, but actually... he's kind of, he's more than just chicken
legs.
Look at him moving around.
[Chicken sound]
He's, uh, he's got very chicken like motion entirely.
SpecLad in chat is telling me that somewhere was a great place to stand, I'm not really
sure where he's talking about.
Hello there, non chicken-leg non freak!
"How about a drink," says Ralph."
Why are these characters here?!
Okay, so useful.
Oh, it's another chicken-leg freak!
Even, even–
This, this is a duck.
It's a duck with the legs of a chicken.
This– this is a duck with the legs of a chicken.
Are you seeing this?
Do you see?
Do you– do I– am I showing the mouse cursor?
No the mouse cursor disappears.
Uh, yeah, so you see the head?
That is a duck's head.
That is a chicken's legs.
This is some kind of Moreau freak monster, created out of a duck and chicken and sadness.
Great.
Good.
This translation is definitely wrong!
"What a magical place Sparks is."
I'm pretty sure this character IS Sparks, but apparently he just wants to tell us that
HE is a magical place.
He's inviting us inside of his being.
How nice of you, Sparks.
[Exasperated grunt]
All these characters who don't say anything!
Why?
Why are they even there?
God, what have I done, how do I cancel?
Was that cancel or was that use?
Okay, that was cancel.
We'll get to the menus later, jeez.
Everything... all the transitions in this game are very flashy and weird.
Oh, it's Elvis!
[Imitating Elvis] "Hey hey, I turned my friend into a duck!
"All the hard work, Laura," says Frank."
Please have an actual conversation.
I would love if you would actually say words.
Hey, he's saying– wow!
Wow, what, what?
Future Yahweasel, can we get, like, a slow-mo of the transition between one line and the
next?
I've never seen anything like that.
Wow, that was weird.
The text transition is just odd!
[Laughs]
I'm trying to say the line, but I can't!
Every time I start saying the line, I can't!
Sean's thing–
"Sean's thing I feel very sad!"
Well, you know, uh, maybe Sean's just not that into you.
You know, it happens!
"What the Hell is going on?"
My thoughts exactly, Lara.
"Go to Spark, he's next door."
I was just there!
"Okay."
Am I, is this, like, pre-fetch kreft–
I was trying to say fetch quest, and SpacLad in chat said "Laura Cruft", and I mixed it
together into fetch kreft.
Oh, the fetch krefts!
We're already into a fetch kreft!
Does this jerk just ask if I want to drink, still?
Yeah, I think that was the same.
It did have yī in there, so I know he said "a something."
Hey there, chicken-duck-Moreau freak, what's going on?
"Is Mr. Spark one?"
I don't know, it's really hard to guess how old he is, because he's some kind of mutant
creature made from part of a duck, part of a chicken, and nasty vivisection to turn it
into a human looking monster.
Really hard to tell, actually.
"It's me, Miss Laura QUACK."
That's Spark's voice now.
We're gonna have to stick with that.
"What the Hell is going on?"
I just asked the person next door, but he requires that I ask duck-chicken-freak.
"We are thinking about the temple!"
Oh, oh, wait, I totally forgot Spark's voice.
"We are thinking about the temple—QUACK—you should check QUACK."
"By the way, this thing—QUACK—might be useful to you QUACK."
"What is it?"
"QUACK it is called Shadow Eye, God."
Well, I mean, Lara Croft is pretty great, I don't know if I would quite address her
as "God", that seems a little bit over the top.
But yeah, she's, she's alright.
I mean, she's, she's fine.
"The temple found—QUACK—seems to be an ancient key."
So, perhaps an ancient key to the ancient crazy temple?
Get the Eye of Shadow, white crystal.
White crystal?!
Then why is it called the EYE OF SHADOW?!
"How'd it get to the temple?"
"Go to Ralph—QUACK—he's the guide here."
Then why did he send me to you?
Okay.
Without translating, I'm just gonna go through that dialog again, just because I want to
show you how weird the text transition is, from one text screen to the other.
He doesn't say anything anymore, hahaha, so much for that!
It's kind of cool, but it looks really odd.
This is not how running works.
She is, uh, not moving as fast as her body would suggest...
Yo, Elvis, help me out here.
"Sorry, I'm busy now."
Oh, yeah, you're not Ralph, you're Frank.
Oops!
Wrong person!
I don't think you're Ralph, either?
Oh oh, that was... [groans]
Future Yahweasel, also translate that line I just missed.
"Local guide, what can be done?"
I assume that Laura said "I heard you're the local guide, what can be done" or something
like that?
I missed a line, what have I done?!
I should, actually, I should enable rewind, just so that when I do exactly that, there
we go, I can back up and get to the previous line.
Perfect!
Flawless!
"Please, take me to the temple."
Why would he do that?
Well, I guess he is the guide.
That question kind of answered itself!
"Would you like to travel, ladies?"
That, that is what she just asked, yes.
Oh yeah, hold on, let me, let me– just, just watch the text transition as I click
the button here.
Isn't that odd?
It's very interesting, but it is, it's really odd.
"Temple is not a good place, it is better to take you to go somewhere else."
"They just opened a Starbucks in the town square, would you like to go there perhaps?"
"Do you think it's too bad for THE WIZARD!"
Laura pulls a gun at Ralph's head.
What?!
WHAT?!
Everything about this line!
Is The Wizard her nickname for her gun?!
That's fantastic!
So, first off, from Diablo for NES, her gun is a medicine inverter, of course.
And, it is a– it is The Wizard.
There should be a capital W, but there's no way that the translation could know.
It's The Wizard!
Oh, that's great.
In every Tomb Raider game from now on, every time I refer to a gun, it's The Wizard.
"Okay, if you're gonna pull a gun to my head, well, let's say anything down the gun... let's
say anything to put down the gun, maybe that's the word you were saying."
"Let's go, well now I'm excited!"
"In the southeast of town, the temple first passes through the damned woods!"
That's the greatest name for a forest, ever.
We just, we really don't like this forest.
It's just the damn woods.
"Recently, the situation was a bit awful.
Not really awful, just slightly, slightly horrendous."
"I did not know why the beasts suddenly started attacking pedestrians."
This is like the plot of every terrible RPG.
"I'm just a guide, is not a bodyguard, you have to be careful yourself!"
That's a hundred percent reasonable, may I just say, as an aside, that he was in such
a hurry to get out of here, he didn't even use a full stop at the end of that last sentence
there.
So, he just skedaddled.
So, did he actually guide me, can I go to the the tomb now?
So, by the way, I didn't really show this, but if you attempt to leave this town immediately,
it doesn't work.
You have to talk to the various people first.
Is this a shop?
Is this... what are you doing behind the table?!
That is a hundred percent inappropriate, you're handling food!
"What do you want?"
Nothing, apparently.
[Growls] What if I did want something, I just want a cappuccino!
Oy vey!
"Really good weather, is it not?"
Thanks.
Thanks for the exciting conversation, inexplicable locksmith.
Why is there a locksmith?
Okay, well, that was fun.
Is there anybody else in this town?
This music is starting to drive me absolutely batty, by the way, and it's probably driving
you absolutely batty too!
Hello!
"HELLO LADY, do you wanna help?"
How was that a complete conversation?!
He asked a question!
I mean, the question didn't make any sense, but it was still a question!
I like the vending machines in everybody's house.
Maybe those are supposed to be shelves?
Bookshelves?
Something?
I don't know.
Well, I think it's time to start Lara Croft's amazing tomb raiding adventure!
Actually, just before doing that, let's, let's look at the menu for a moment.
Let's see what all the menu items are.
Google translates these as "item weapon black state system."
I assume that's status.
Item.
I have two, I assume, healing things, and I have the white crystal that is quite black
here.
Okay, let's quickly translate those.
I'm so glad I did do the translation, because this is a SMALL BLOOD BAG.
Just blood, in a bag!
That's how you heal yourself!
And we know this, this is the white crystal.
White think issued a harmonious sad mans.
[Laughs]
Hard to argue with a statement so incoherent!
Let's see, the next one was weapon.
I've got the good old pistols.
I assume that's saying infinite ammo?
You know it's a Tomb Raider game, because I have a... double gun?
Double mint gun!
Okay, and this will be status.
Yep, 20 out of 20, presumably HP.
432, what is that, money?
On, dang it, I'm gonna have to translate this too!
20 out of 20 life.
Oh, 432 upgrade experience.
432 experience.
Zero...
EXISTING experience?
What?!
Lara Croft has no experience existing!
She has no existing experience!
What does that mean?
And I assume this on the left is her level?
Yeah.
Level one, very odd-looking one.
And I like how they put the portrait on black, so all the shadows just go away and she's
some kind of... robot?, running up there?
And then system is the last one, hopefully that'll let me save?
Save maybe?
I will bet that that says "save slot one, save slot two, save slot three, save slot
four, and save slot five!"
We've discovered the only words Yahweasel knows in Chinese!
Top left says "storage", top right says "read", presumably load, so save and load.
That says recording, presumably save slot.
As in, the place where things are to be recorded to.
And, it says 1 & 2 & 3 & 4 & 5.
Yep.
Okay.
So, we have 5—5!—save slots to save to.
I don't know–
It's saving onto a CD!
I don't know how good the save slot is, but, well we saved something, so we're gonna go
on a grand adventure next time.
Until then thanks for watching, if you liked the video I've got thousands—thousands!—more,
just click that channel button.
Cheers, from Yahweasel!
Oh yeah, that is probably a bit more likely, SpecLad!
"It's called the Shadow Eye, [exasperated] God!"
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