[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Mero: Oh, it's LiveLeak?
Oh, boy. Oh!
Now, this -- this is real live leak.
[ Laughs ]
Yo! Desus: To be fair,
you're not allowed to walk through the trains.
Ah!
My mans don't give any fucks at all.
See the thing is,
at first you don't think it affects you,
but if the train goes on any kind of incline...
Then it starts going... yeah.
Then you got to do this, like, "Ah! Chill."
How about homie recording this shit
from like two feet away, like...?
[ Laughter ] What's -- what's worse?
Recording someone peeing or peeing on the train?
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
That's right, you pieces of garbage.
Yesterday, this cat Trumpito
did his best to piss off everybody in the Middle East
by announcing for the first time
that the U.S. will recognize Jerusalem
as the capital of Israel.
Why? Who asked for this? Nobody.
Like, literally nobody? Absolutely no one.
Why did it even get on his plate or his agenda? Absolutely.
The speech sounded pretty normal,
if you could call Trump normal.
But a few minutes in, Trumpito's cold drip
started acting up, allegedly.
[ Imitates wheezing ]
Okay. It was party time.
"I got great ideas." Your man wanted to kill this
in the corner of a dark club
and discuss geopolitics.
[ Snorts ]
Or the resolution of contested borders.
Yeah! Yeah!
Those questions are up to the parties involved.
He's like, "Ooh, this is good stuff.
No baby powder in this. Yeah."
"I got Ajax last time."
So today, we call for calm, for moderation,
and for the voices of tolerance
to prevail over the purveyors of hate.
"Deh, deh, deh, deh." [ Laughs ]
All that Polygrip is slipping, bro.
[ Laughs ]
Yo!
It is time for all civilized nations and people...
[ Sniffs ]
...to respond to disagreement...
[ Sniffs ] ...with reasoned debate.
Fam.
Mike Pence is like, "Yo, tag me in, bro.
You...up.
Tag me in, bro.
Let us rethink old assumptions
and open our hearts and minds
to possible and possibilities.
And finally, I ask the leaders of the region,
political and religious...
Jesus Christ. [ Sniffing ]
[ Laughs ]
Yo, your man is one step away
from asking for money in front of the bodega.
What are you doing? [ Laughs ]
What? He came out of the methadone clinic? Yo!
That's a man with old dentures right there, bro. Oh, wow.
[ Muffled voice ] Yeah, papi, I knew your father.
He was a good guy. [ Muffled speaking ]
He got the sunken cheeks. Like, "Yo." [ Laughs ]
This is my auntie. She's clean now.
[ Muffled ] "I've been clean for five years."
[ Slurring ] ...political and religious.
[ Laughter ]
Listen, you have to finish strong, baby.
You can't be slurring stuff.
[ Imitates slurred speech ]
[ Laughs ]
Thank you.
God bless you. God bless Israel.
God bless the Palestinians.
And God bless the United States.
Thank you very much.
[ Laughter ]
Yo, that's me at the Knick game.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, yeah, let's check out my...habitat.
Yo, [Imitates slurred speech]
How does the Commander-in-Chief have Bobby Brown jaws?
[ Laughter ]
[ Slurring ] And God bless the United States.
Thank you very much.
[ Laughter ]
Yo, God bless the United Slate, man.
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Oh, here we have a concerned citizen, Rhoda.
She saw a fire in her hometown of Norfolk, Virginia,
and decided it was her duty to be a journalist
and cover the fire.
And, look, this is Rhoda, y'all.
I'm going live.
I've going live right here on the fire scene right here.
Just live -- let's just say,
Facebook Live is the worst thing ever.
Anytime anyone goes live, nope. No.
All my aunties do it, and I'm just like,
listen, you got seven followers.
You know, there's no need for that.
You turn the alerts off? I did immediately.
Oh, been turned off.
Rhoda: We on the scene of this bitch.
[ Laughter ]
All right. Is she the reporter from Detroit?
Attention, WAVY News,
this is Rhoda Young reporting live.
I'm reporting live. I'm a volunteer.
WAVY-TV 10 is not on the scene,
but Rhoda Young is on the scene.
Hey! That's how you get the job. Yo.
Right now, we're en route then,
on another street off of Little Creek Road, boulevard,
with a house fire.
The house fire is in full active duty right now.
Full active duty? Ma, what the...?
[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God. Full active duty?
What is this? NCIS?
Like... [ Laughs ]
What the...? 532 is on fire.
Let's get the house sprayed down with some water.
-Is this your house? -Yeah.
Rhoda: Which one?
The one that's on fire, nigga. The one on fire, stupid.
What the...? "I'm sitting on the ground in my sweats.
What do you think?" [ Laughs ]
"This ain't a picnic.
I just lost everything."
Yo!
That's your house?
Oh, God bless you.
-The beer was in the car. -Huh?
-The beer was in the car. -Oh, it was?
Rhoda: If my house caught on fire, I'd need a beer too,
because you know it's gonna be bad.
Now, let me ask you this.
How did it catch on fire?
Was you home? -Yeah.
This is Rhoda Young reporting live.
This guy right here,
it is his house that is burning down.
He do not know how the house caught fire,
but he was coming from the store
with a six-pack of
red-blue-and-white ribbon beer.
She giving you all the facts, though.
He's like, "Yo."
I'm actually not mad at her.
He's like, "Actually, it's a PBR."
Oh, PBR. PBR.
[ Laughs ]
[ Coughs ]
We got electrical wires falling right now.
Why she got the filter?
She got a Thanksgiving filter.
[ Laughter ]
Bro, what the...is this?
This isn't real.
Oh shit...
She stayed professional.
Oh, your hand burnt.
His hand burnt.
Oh, his face burnt.
So you was really close to the fire?
-Yes. -Okay.
Rhoda: No, no, I'm getting your hair.
Don't hit me now. Respect his privacy.
He's like, "Bro, my house is on fire.
Why are you asking me stupid...questions,
like, 'Why is your house on fire?'"
Oh, his face burnt.
So you was really close to the fire?
-Yes. -Okay.
Rhoda: No, no, I'm getting your hair.
Don't hit me now. Don't hit me.
-Please stop. -Okay, I will, baby.
Rhoda: But don't hit me, 'cause I'll fight back.
I love you. I love you.
He was upstairs when the fire started,
and the fire started upstairs.
During my investigation, I have now discovered
his motherfucking hair was on fire
and his pants is burnt off his damn leg.
So he was right there when the fire started.
Is this an episode of "Family Guy"?
What are we watching right now? I have no idea.
What the...is this?
[ Laughter ]
I guess this is if Tyler Perry buys MSNBC,
this is what we're getting.
[ Laughter ]
And he got a six pack of goddamn PBR.
So, now I got to figure out
how the hell he start that damn fire.
I ain't no damn joke.
This is Rhoda Young reporting live for WAVY News 10.
I'm on the scene. Wow.
I found out how the fire started.
[ Firefighter speaks indistinctly ]
Okay, had to let you know if you do want to know.
Okay.
Is that the actual firefighter?
Yeah, yeah. He's like, "yo. Yo, stop."
"I'm good. Thank you."
"I'm good. Yeah. I know how to do this."
This dude is gonna get up and hook off on you, B,
'cause he's sitting there in flip-flops
and he lost everything.
Once again, that's the owner,
drunk as a motherfucker.
It burnt down the whole...house.
[ Laughs ]
Burnt down the whole...house.
Watch her hit him with the "mm."
Oh, wow. They arrested him? Yo.
Wow!
I guess we feel stupid.
Wow! Wow!
This is Rhoda Young.
I solved the case before anybody was on the scene.
This is Rhoda Young reporting live
from Birmingham Avenue in Norfolk, Virginia.
Allegedly this man has set his house on fire.
He has been allegedly placed under arrest.
Well, not allegedly. No, it's not allegedly. He was arrested.
You can't just use it all the time willy-nilly like Legal tells me.
Like, come on.
He allegedly admitted to doing it --
setting his own house on fire.
Wow. Yo, shout-out to Rhoda Young.
You got to end the clip
with that "Law & Order" doink doink.
Dun-dun. [ Law & Order tones play ]
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
hey, now we bring you the story of unrequited love
between Julia and Joe who met at her gym.
Hey, this love story began innocently.
That's very creepy.
Dope excuse.
Oh, God.
Hopefully there's no dick picks in it.
But, you know. Yes, please.
No, don't be a tribute video.
Hey, Joe. Wow. He looks like a Joe.
"It's Joe from Staten Island.
How you doin', Mike? First time, long time.
Good morning, Julia.
It's me, Joe.
Just wanted to say hi, wish you a great day.
"Hey, Julia."
Tell you that meeting you yesterday... Hey.
...and getting a look at you
was probably one of the greatest moments of my life.
"Of my life."
Women love videos like this, guys.
Yo! Be sure to send them out.
Yeah.
Make sure you have a weird angle, too,
so she can see your entire double chin.
You are so beautiful. Whew.
You don't know how beautiful you are to me.
He sounds like everyone on the LIRR
after Rangers games.
Just like, "Yeah."
"I love you. Listen to me.
You're gorgeous.
Please. Touch my body."
I mean, just you're gorgeous, you're precious.
[ Laughs ]
Yo! Oh...
Get your..."Julia, I know" out of here, bro.
And, uh, but it's been sitting in my mind
when you said to me
you want to go back with your ex-boyfriend.
Yeah.
Please, erase him from your memory.
Don't ever go back in the past.
I know, 'cause I've been there.
Ohh... And I understand
when, you know, you're trying to find somebody... Why's he...?
...and go on dates,
and nothing compares to your ex.
But there is that better person out there.
And, Julia, I promise you, it is me.
I will love you like you've never been loved before.
It's like the fucking Shakespeare of Long Island.
Oh, man.
I'll make you feel like a woman,
a real woman.
Oh, "I love you like I love my --" Not like one of those --
you know, the other women.
You know what I'm talking about. "Listen, Julia.
I'm gonna love you like I love my nana's sauce.
It's delicious.
I want to eat you up like sausage and peppers.
Believe me, after you experience me,
you won't even know who your ex-boyfriend is.
Ooh. Yeah.
"I'll show you a great time.
We'll go see Bon Jovi."
[ Laughter ]
Get this guy out of here, bro.
So...
open up your heart to me and your arms.
Let's go full throttle.
[ Laughter ]
Who's mess is this, bro? Yo.
Hey, ma, let me use the E-ZPass
between those legs."
[ Laughs ]
Yo!
I can see me falling in love with you.
"Oh, a nice broad like you.
The ankles ain't too fat."
"Yeah, you got a nice set of cans on you."
"You know what I'm sayin'?" [ Laughs ]
Oh, I just looked in your eyes,
and I just melt.
Yeah.
Bro, you don't even know shorty.
This is my cute little home.
Everything you see behind me, I built everything. Yeah.
Every square inch
from crown molding to chair rail to floors...
Of course this guy's a contractor.
...the lighting, the plumbing. Of course.
Come on, I mean -- All right, come on.
"I built this house from scratch."
He's a contractor, he has no license.
[ Laughs ] Yep.
"I'm not fully insured. I'm partially insured."
Go on Angie's List.
He has a bunch of complaints about,
"Some strange man
was recording creepy videos inside my house
instead of creating my cabinets."
So this is the type of guy you're getting.
I'm a very handy guy. There you go.
And, uh...
I'd love to build you whatever you want.
[ Laughs ] "Whatever you want.
A cabinet, a duvet, a orgasm --
just let me know.
I got my hammer right here, ma."
"I could be your human bidet,
if you know what I mean."
[ Laughter, groaning ]
"Eh? Come here."
[ Laughs ]
"Oh, you thought this was a goatee?" "Eh?"
"Yeah." "No way.
This is a seat for you, babe.
[ Laughs ]
I'd love to build you whatever you want.
Yo!
You're a sweetheart.
So, I hope this video doesn't scare you.
Oh.
[ Laughter ]
Should have opened with that, my guy.
[ Laughs ]
But that's how I feel.
I just want you to know that, okay?
And I look forward, um,
to going out to dinner with you.
So, let's make it happen.
Mwah!
[ Groans ] [ Laughs ]
The killshot. What is that?
Like, the Sicilian death kiss?
Like, "Yo, if I don't get my money,
Mwah!" Mwah!
"Baby, come back over here."
"It's gonna be over for you."
Ciao, baby.
Ciao, baby. Ciao, baby.
[ Laughs ] Whew.
Bro, damn. Did they show --
do they have the video after this,
where he's like,
"You...bitch, why didn't you answer my video?
I'll cut your...head off.
Come out wit' you. I'm outside your house.
♪♪
Number-one show on late night, nothing but illustrious guests.
That's right, you ball bags. Today we have Pastor Carl Lentz,
lead pastor of the Hillsong Church in NYC,
and author of the book "Own the Movement." That's right.
Come on up, Pastor.
[ Applause ]
♪♪
I brought one of these. It's "Own the Moment."
"Own the Moment." Okay.
But you said "movement,"
which would have been a better title.
Okay, it's "Own the Moment."
Um, I think it goes this way.
Yeah.
Oh, these are personalized.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wrote something in there.
Oh. And it's like --
Oh, you got it packaged and stuff, bro?
Yeah, 'cause you can't be --
You know, if you give it to people,
you can't, like, make it look like
you're giving them a book. Yeah.
So we had to make it look suspicious.
Yeah, right, right. Damn.
I thought this was... or something.
[ Laughs ]
Disappointment. Disappointment.
Ah, how is it going today.
Man, it's really good to be here.
I love the show. Yeah?
And it's an honor to be on it, yeah.
So now you love the show,
do you put all your homies on,
like the Biebs and other people?
"Yo, you got to... with the show.
It's dumb funny, B. Trust me."
That's how I found out about it,
to be honest with you. From Bieber?
Well, someone was like,
"Hey, these guys are making fun of you."
Oh. [ Laughs ]
That'll do it. That'll do it.
I see how it works. It's -- I was like,
"Man, these guys are funny, and they're good.
That's right, 'cause you came here,
you were like... Yeah.
I saw you. You were a little scared.
You know, Tommy, our mutual friend... Shout-out to Tommy.
...he's like, "Oh."
He's like, "I know those guys." Yeah?
And I was like, "Man, they're funny.
And they were giving me the business."
Usually when you think of religion and Christianity,
you kind of think of --
well, people tend to think of it
as being, like, corny, uncool.
Yeah. You're putting a new face on it.
Is that on purpose?
Or this just like who you are naturally are?
I think any -- any --
It would be the same thing with a talk show,
like a show like y'all have.
If the host is bad,
we're not going to write off a whole genre of media.
It just depends on who it is.
So I think, like, the message of who Jesus is
is the best message of all time.
It's never needed a remake. It doesn't need PR.
I think that we've done a poor job sometimes
of communicating who he is.
And I don't really think we're cool,
but I do think that we're so different
that sometimes, you know --
If you get foot poisoning at nine restaurants
and you don't at the 10th,
that restaurant's gonna look like a million bucks.
Yeah. Let's rewind a little bit.
You just said you don't think you're cool?
I think that I'm trying to be myself.
My daughters would beg to --
But you're cool as... Bro, come on.
Get the...out of here, bro. You're cool as shit, bro.
Look at your jacket, brother. Come on.
I appreciate it.
Your kids don't think you're cool?
My daughter ares just getting to that age
where they're like, "Dad,"
trying to act like I'm not cool with Twitch.
I'm like, "Well, you don't have to live here."
So, uh...
[ Laughter ]
I mean, it is what it is.
I think I've I always tried to, you know, stay in my lane.
What's a regular day like for Carl?
It depends on what day.
Like, Tuesdays is all church, kind of staff meetings.
Wednesday, I'm in the office, as well.
Thursday, I would normally do meetings
with individual people.
Friday would be the same.
And then a little bit of, like, a study day
to prepare for Sunday.
And Saturday -- I play ball twice on Saturday.
That's kind of like one of my sermon-prep modes
just to get my mind in a place that's relaxed.
Are you nice ballin' out there?
I'm really good. Are you really?
Yeah. Yeah.
I got to keep it real. You ever dunk on Bieber?
Never dunked on Bieber, no. [ Laughs ]
I'm not trying to get, you know,
hit by one of his bodyguards.
But you played basketball in college?
I did. Yeah. N.C. State.
I wouldn't -- "Play" is a very loose term.
I always tell people I lead N.C. State
in career warm-up threes made.
[ Laughs ] That's nice. You're honest.
But I was on the team.
With the hand claps.
"Yo, yo. Good job. Good job."
I got in it when we were playing Duke at Duke.
And you know how normally if it's a blowout,
they put in, you know, the white guys.
Right. Or the guys who don't play a lot.
And normally they go out there and run little plays. Mm-hmm.
Me and my roommate went out there
and we're jacking shots.
Yeah. Nice.
We were down by 30.
But I got an assist. He got a bucket.
We were pumped after the game.
Coach was like, "What are y'all doing?"
I'm like, "What do you mean what are we doing?
We'll never be on that court again.
I'm gonna go out there and run a play?"
Like, "No, I'm shooting the ball."
Yo. Wow.
"40 for 40."
Speaking of dunking on Bieber,
we heard that you baptized Justin Bieber
at Tyson Chandler's crib.
-Beautiful segue. -You know what I'm sayin'?
Ah! You know what I'm sayin'?
Out here. I'm not mad at that.
Hey! But I put the story in there
about Justin getting baptized, 'cause it was so misconstrued,
like a lot of stuff is about him.
Like, some media were trying to say
he did it for his image,
and just a lot of lies.
So I put the story in there really to talk about
how different people are not.
How, you know, him and Tyson Chandler, myself,
how we all ended up at 3:00 a.m.
you know, seeing somebody get baptized --
how do these three stories intersect?
And it's because humanity is humanity.
Everybody needs fresh starts.
Everybody needs prayer. Everybody needs love.
So that story was cool.
We just -- he wanted to get baptized,
and we couldn't find a place to do it.
I called Tyson at 2:00 a.m.
I was like, "Bro, can we use your building
to use your pool?"
He was like, "It's closed,
but you can come up and use my bathtub.
It's giant."
And I was like, "That's what we're gonna do." I mean, he's a big dude.
Yeah, so we went,
and his wife Kim opened the door.
They had it all set it up.
And it was a really cool thing.
But that's the thing about baptism.
It's not about where, it's about why.
3:00 in the morning --
that's a lit baptism, bro.
It was. Was there coat check and shit?
Um, [ Laughs ] [ Laughs ]
But it was cool.
It was like one of those things
where you want that to be memorable,
and it doesn't get any cooler than that.
Did Justin Bieber really buy you
a $3 billion gold roof for your church?
Yeah. We also have gold cups.
I got a goblet.
Like, when I preach, I'm like Lil' Jon.
I've got a goblet. Yeah.
I'm just like, "Hey." How did that rumor start?
Uh, I don't know.
If you're referring to the Post Malone thing...
I think -- Recently --
Did he refute it or --
I think that dude just said that. Right.
And I don't think he expected
anybody to say anything back.
And I just happened to be asked about it. Right.
And, no, it was --
I don't know why he would have said that.
I liked Post Malone right up until that day.
Yeah, well, he's... I think he's canceled.
I got to take him off all our playlists at home.
Yeah. Damn.
Sad. Whatever, some bangers, but --
Well, I'll give Post a shot.
You know, maybe it was a bad day.
Yeah, he's -- You're a forgiving guy.
You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah. Like, I love his music.
There's not a lot of cool white guys
getting it done.
So I really feel like I got to give him grace.
We got to keep him in the mix. Yeah. Yeah.
But he kind of did the cornrows, bro.
They're very dusty. Got to get rid of them.
But Justin Bieber hasn't given $10 million.
We don't have gold ceilings.
In fact, we don't even have a church building.
We rent a building.
So that gives you an idea
of how much you can trust Post Malone
with his, uh -- I never did trust Post Malone.
I don't know. Post Malone doesn't come off
as the most trustworthy guy.
I mean, if he tells me something.
I'm gonna go Google it. That's been said.
But God bless him. No hate.
How long is the book?
Like 25 chapters, but you'll love it.
I wrote it --
there's a thing at the end of each chapter
called "own the chapter." Oh, so --
So it's essentially CliffsNotes.
Because that's how I --
[ Laughter ]
That's how I got through school.
That and cheating.
And, uh, I wrote it it so --
also you don't have to read it congruently.
So if you pick up chapter 13...
-And you can just pick up there. -...you can just read it.
Like, I got a chapter in there
called "If You're Racist and You Know It,
Clap Your Hands."
And, uh...
[ Laughter ]
Because I just can't stand the racial climate right now.
And because I'm white,
I can actually speak directly to it
and just say "Please, stop being so white,"
you know, with people's awareness to me.
It's just -- we're fighting for common sense right now.
Right. I deal with white people all the time
who are acting like this isn't a thing.
So I'm writing --
I wrote chapters where you can just pick it up,
read it, put it down,
and you don't have to follow through the whole thing.
♪♪
What would you like your rainbow to say?
Uh, if you don't know, now you know.
Baby, baby. Baby, baby.
Pastor Carl Lentz!
"Own the Moment"!
Read the book, yo! It's out now.
And it got CliffsNotes in it, so you can read --0
You know what I'm sayin'? -- while you on the toilet.
Holler. [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Shout-outs. Shout-outs. Yeah!
Shout-out to this English football fan
denying the accusations against him.
They're all rubbish. They're bloody false.
Recent video has emerged
of a 17-year-old soccer fan named Callum Mawson
breaking the stadium rules
during a Sunderland football match.
Let's take a look.
Taking -- Oh.
He's taking a wild shit in the stadium.
Okay.
Wow, fam.
I mean, how far away is the bathroom, though?
Ah! Damn, bro.
Yeah, I take it you got --
Like, is he in the middle of the row?
[ Laughs ]
My man went straight up.
Maybe he got up too many times,
and now he's embarrassed.
He doesn't want to get up.
[ British accent ] False alarm, mate.
My butthole's quivering.
So, now you got to hear both sides.
Here's young Callum. He has an explanation.
Okay. Let's hear it.
He's also known as the "poo-gate" teenager.
So sad.
He looks like a public shitter.
So if I'm getting into the stadium.
I think the only way that this could have happened
is I must have just sat in me seat
and just been that -- been in that bad of a way
that maybe I just thought
that it was toilet and then done that.
I don't know. But, like I said,
I don't know what was going through me head.
I can't remember any of it.
And I just am apologetic...
Did he take I had shoes off, too?
Oh, I'm about to say. No, his shoes are still on. He's not a savage.
I was about to say, like, wow.
You're really gone. What are you? A monster?
[ Laughter ]
Like, at that point, somebody would have been like,
enough is enough. "Sir, sir. Please put your loafers back on."
"My children are here. Cover your foot." "Please stop.
The trousers was enough."
Yo, your man is focused, too. Hell, yeah, bro.
Nigga went to the game, like...
He's pinching a log, like "Ahh."
I Didn't actually defecate on the seat.
That's the God's honest truth.
"I couldn't get it out.
I was rocking from side to side."
"I was quite constipated."
That's the God's honest truth.
And I know that, because a man who sits next to us
actually tweeted saying,
"I can confirm he didn't defecate on the seat."
So he basically doesn't --
It's not a big deal, is what he's trying to say.
Yeah. Okay.
You just pulled your cock out at a soccer game. No, no.
Maybe he tucked it respectfully. [ Laughs ]
♪♪
Yo, shout-out to this whack ass poem
by a member of Canadian Parliament.
Don't comes with bars, bro.
You know what I'm sayin'? ...Worm.
Gladu: Mr. Speaker, I want to protest
an ill thought out Bill
that is passing through Parliament here on the hill.
Desus: I blame Drake.
Wow! I blame Drake right off.
Right off. Right off. Wow.
Now everyone thinks they're from The Six and are spitting verse.
Like, no! Wow.
Like "I got this. I call this 'Views.'" Yo!
No! This is happening in the run.
More life for your headpiece. Yo.
The bill that is bad is called C-45.
It's has so many flaws, it just shouldn't survive.
The Grits will allow four pot plans in each dwelling,
regardless of how bad each place will be smelling.
Whoo!
With mold, ventilation, and issues unplanned,
this will not keep pot from our children's hands.
Provinces and police in every town
have all asked the liberals to slow this bill down.
In her head -- In her head,
she thinks she sounds like Kendrick Lamar.
Yeah. In reality, she sounds like Dr. Seuss.
This is literally the worst "Cat in the Hat" sequel
I've ever read.
And keep our great country safe from all of the weed.
Oh! Oh!
G-Unit! Shit! What!
♪♪
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