So when I was in school I was what you would consider one of the smart kids. I
knew how to get A's and everybody knew it.
This meant that whenever there were group projects in school and you were
put in my group, you were pretty much guaranteed an A. This meant that from
grade school to high school, no matter what the subject was, no matter who the
group was, my group always got an A because I pretty much did most of the
work. It never happened that way because I wanted it to. Whenever we were assigned
to our groups and we were given class time to meet with each other, I wanted to
use that meeting time to bounce ideas off each other and figure out what
direction the project was going to go in. I was usually put into groups that were
one of two people. One were those who were just completely apathetic about the
project because "It's school, who cares?" And they knew that because I was an A+
student, I would pretty much guarantee us an A, so why put in all the work?
Because Maia is there. She'll take care of it. Or I was put in groups where people
maybe had ideas but they didn't know how to carry it to fruition.
Luckily I'm kind of good at that sort of thing. If there's an idea, I can
immediately visualize the path between idea and reality, and I can visualize all
the things that you need to do to take it from idea to reality. I know how to
set up systems and and documents and things like that to make the workflow
easy. That's my wheelhouse. I also know how to do the research and the writing,
and I know where and when visuals would be helpful. I was the package deal. So
when it actually came time to doing the work, I pretty much did most of the heavy
lifting. The apathetic students pretty much just coasted because they knew I'd
handle everything, and the students who maybe had the idea but had no idea how
to go about making it happen? I was there to set up the system, set up
the framework and make it so fucking easy for them to do their work. In
turning things from an idea to a reality, I would provide the stepping stones. I'd
either hand them the stones and say, "Here, you can lay them down so that you can easily
reach your goal," or more often than not, I was physically rolling up my sleeves and
laying down those stepping stones so that they could easily walk across to
the end goal. So often I was doing all the researching, all the writing, all the
visual aid preparation, making the posters, putting together the Powerpoint.
I was pretty much doing the project from start to finish, involved in every aspect
of the process. Except presenting it because when I was in school, I was
ridiculously shy, ridiculously ridiculously shy. I didn't have the
confidence to go up in front of the class and proudly present my work, the
work that I'd spent so much of my time putting together, not only to make it
cohesive and easy-to-follow but visually interesting and... and cool. Usually I was
paired with at least one popular person in the class, somebody who was
universally liked, great with people but they didn't do any of the work! They didn't do it
because they didn't know how to do it or they knew that trusty, reliable, nerdy
Maia will make it look and sound good. So when I came time to actually presenting
the project in class, Popular Kid volunteered, volunteered to present my work
as his own even though he didn't contribute anything to it. And the
teacher loved it, the students loved it. "Oh Kevin! That was such a great
presentation! You just presented the heck out of it!" Never mind that quiet Maia,
sitting there in the back knowing that she done all the fucking work...
And everybody got As. The popular kid, the kids who didn't pull their weight, and
me - we all got A's because of the work I did. I set up the framework, I did the
research, I did all the things. And yet he presented it like it was his own work.
Well god damnit Kevin, that was my fucking work that you presented on! I'm not
actually bitter at Kevin. Kevin was a million years ago and there have been so
many Kevins since Kevin. All these ridiculous memories are just sort of
dredged up now because I find myself in a position again where I am in a group
project, and up until mere weeks ago it felt like everybody was pulling their
weight. And it doesn't feel like that now. They have the time to go and pursue
other things because I've made it so easy for them. In the meantime,
I don't have anything left for myself, for my own projects that I want to
pursue. And I don't know that they know that it. It brings up awful memories of what it was
like in school having to be utterly alone. I've taken a hiatus from the
project because of my own mental health. When you're crying pretty much every
night because you are overworked and underappreciated, probably - probably time
to step back. But now I'm just mad. I've cried all that I can and now... Now I'm
just mad. Currently a "disgruntled employee." Disgruntled that I'm not being
heard, and I'm overworked. I have my own projects to do. I have my own career to
focus on, which is somehow stalled because of this project because I've been again
giving all my spoons to this, and I have no energy for myself. If you have any advice on
how to communicate your frustrations without sounding like you're blaming
somebody...? Because right now I feel like all I'm doing is playing the blame game,
even though I do feel very... hurt.
Thanks for listening.
I'll see you around.
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