[Theme song] Puck Face, you watch too much hockey, Puck
Face From Monday, to Saturday
And Sunday Matinees Puck Face (You're such a puck face)
TAYLOR: Wikipedia defines "Very Special Episode" as an episode which deals with
difficult or controversial issues.
Episode 3, Season 4 of Boy Meets World sees Shawn lured by the enigmatic and dangerous,
Phillip Mack, as we learn a very important lesson about the dangers of cults.
In Episode 16, Season 9 of "The Facts of Life," Natalie, who by this point is in
her twenties, decides to sleep with her boyfriend, as we learn a very important lesson about
the dangers of…*squints*…premarital sex.
And in Episode 5, Season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a warlock-brewed beer causes the young
people of Sunnydale to revert to a neanderthalic state, as we learn a very important lesson
about the dangers of alcohol.
This episode received an Emmy nomination for Outstanding hairstyling.
You might say, "He y, isn't Episode 3 of your podcast a little early for a Very
Special Epsiode?"
And to that I would say, Blossom did it in Episode 2, "Blossom Blossoms."
Welcome everyone to Hockey!
The Musical, where Producer Aleris and I assess the fortunes of all 31 NHL teams, using the
same medium employed by such visionaries as Whitney Houston, Barbara Streisand, Macho
Man Randy Savage.
The medium—of song.
If you want a 2017/18 Season Preview that isn't in song form…you can go fuck yourself.
31 teams.
2 conferences.
4 divisions.
We'll begin, with the Western conference, working our way through the Pacific, then
the Central, and onto the Eastern conference, starting with the Atlantic, and then finishing
with the stacked af Metro division.
The order within each division will be loosely alphabetical.
We will begin, with the hitherto shitty Arizona Coyotes.
ALERIS: But first, the news!
[Intro music for CBC's "The National"]
TAYLOR: Game of Thrones stars, Kit Harrington and Rose Leslie have announced their engagement.
The pair plans to tie the knot in a small ceremony with close friends and telegraphed
plot points.
Medical researchers were able to restore consciousness to a man who spent 15 years in a vegetative
state.
The man's first acts were to briefly catch up on world news, and sue the doctors who
woke him.
Twitter has doubled the character count to 280.
ALERIS: Knock knock.
TAYLOR: Who may I ask is at the door on this particular occasion?
ALERIS: Interrupting CEO of Twitter, Jack Dorsey.
TAYLOR: Interrupting CEO of Twitter, Jack Dorsey wh—
ALERIS: Well, we personally here at Puck Face Podcast think that this is a good move, because
whereas before people were limited as to how they could express themselves, now they just
really have a lot more space that they can use to get to the point.
TAYLOR: And that's the presentation of newly received and/or noteworthy information considered
pertinent for public consumption, known as, in the parlance of our times, the news.
["Entertainment Tonight" outro music]
[Cute dog video music]
ALERIS: Do you want a surprise Something unpredictable right before your
eyes Do you want to be amazed
See Hjalmarsson and Chychrun and Ekman Larsson play
Heckin good dogs (Heckin good dogs!) These Coyotes are heckin good dogs
They're 12 out of 10 They might not make the playoffs but these
doggos are a fren John Chayka's barely old enough to drive
Did you know that Luke Schenn is still alive Heckin good dogs
(Heckin good dogs!) These Coyotes are heckin good dogs
They might not be Chicago But they're certainly some heckin good doggos
Arf arf!
(Aleris howls)
TAYLOR: You heard it here first, Arizona will be much improved this year.
They added Antti Raanta in goal.
Derek Stepan at centre.
And Jason Demers on D, who apparently blocked a trade to the Vancouver Canucks, which just…warms
my heart as a longtime Canucks, and I use this term loosely, "fan."
ALERIS: Hey, did you know that John Chayka, the Coyotes' General Manager, is only 28
years old?
TAYLOR: Yeah, the Coyotes would have won a cup by now if he wasn't so busy buying Avocado
toast.
ALERIS: I still can't believe John Chayka hasn't answered for what he did to casual
dining chains like Chili's and Applebee's.
TAYLOR: Yeah, or hotel closets.
ALERIS: Or napkins.
TAYLOR: But what of the rest of the Pacific Division.
Anaheim, Calgary, Edmonton?
Teams that made the playoffs last year.
ALERIS: Teams whose general managers didn't kill wine corks.
TAYLOR: Or vacations.
ALERIS: Or the McDonald's McWrap.
TAYLOR: Or affordable housing.
ALERIS: No that's Boomers.
TAYLOR: Oh, right.
[Nature-evoking music]
TAYLOR: Hampus Lindholm's injured And Ryan Kesler's injured
Our aquatic friends depend upon an aging Ryan Miller
Bieksa's 36 And Kesler's 33
Time is running thin On the 2011—Canucks if you ask me
Ducks eat fish and insects, and some aquatic plants.
Randy Carlyle is a worse coach than Emilio Estevez
I think it's time that Cogliano's ironman streak will end
The Pacific stinks so Anaheim will make the post season again
[Spoken] TAYLOR: And Ryan Getzlaf will still be an asshole whose fake apology for shouting
an anti-gay slur at a referee was bullshit.
ALERIS: Yeah
[Nature music builds] TAYLOR: Calgary...
Please don't leave
Can't you see We need your team
Brian Burke Make it work —
Intercede, Hear Nenshi
Don't be so, Damn greedy —
Make Ken King Pay for the damn thing
You need a new arena We know he has the bling
This ole' town Is playoff bound
So don't move to Seattle We want you guys around
[Change to sexy mood music]
TAYLOR: Baby.
ALERIS: Yeah?
TAYLOR: Some people say too much of anything is a
bad thing.
But when Connor McDavid is on that TV,
ALERIS: Ooh
TAYLOR: coming in hard, sliding around that D and undressing those goalies.
ALERIS: Ahhh.
TAYLOR: Baby you know it just makes me wanna…Gamecenter
& chill.
ALERIS: Uh-huh?
TAYLOR: Yeah.
Uh.
I just want you to deke me out Deke me out like Connor
(Deke me out like Connor babay) I just want you to deke me out
Deke me out like Connor (Freak me out like Connor)
I just want you to show me that release And unleash the beast from the west to the
east bring me right out of my seat when you're feeding on my goal crease.
I just want you to deke me out And take me all the way to the Conference Finals!
TAYLOR: Or an orgasm.
Wh...Whichever comes first.
ALERIS: Heh....First.
TAYLOR: So, this is the point in Hockey!
The Musical where I could no longer be arsed to look through copyright-free YouTube music,
and sort of just devolved into Weird Al-style parodies.
ALERIS: Did you know Weird Al is a vegan?
Anyway, much has been made of the LA Kings' decline over the last few years.
Bad contracts, aging stars, consistent possession.
TAYLOR: Oh, you mean their Corsi and Fenwick?
Why is that a bad thing?
ALERIS: No, Taylor.
Not puck possession.
TAYLOR: Oh…possession of what then?
ALERIS: Just play the song.
["Cocaine" plays on ukelele]
TAYLOR: If you wanna hang out, you better bottom out LA
The allegations aren't true, we never ever do
LA
We're all right, We're all right Come and try
LA (Sniffing sound)
We're the best, At our sport We don't snort...
LA
TAYLOR: Oh I get it, cocaine!
ALERIS: Taylor, you sang that song.
TAYLOR: Allegedly sang the song.
ALERIS: (Sighs).
Anyway.
We conclude our trek through California with the San Jose Sharks.
A team without Patrick Marleau this year, but not without a certain je ne sais quois.
A je ne sais coiff, if you will.
["Baby Got Back" beat plays] TAYLOR:
Oh, my, God Becky, look at that beard.
It is so big.
He looks like One of those people who owns a craft beer
company in Portland.
Or like, a lumberjack who works in Portland.
Or like, a person from Portland.
ALERIS: I like big beards and I can not lie.
You other players can't deny When Brent Burns walks in with a beard so
thick And a round thing on his stick
You get scored on Shots poured on
You better hope you got record on I see that beard your sportin
Making the playoffs "with Joe Thornton"
TAYLOR: The San Jose Sharks debuted in 1991.
"Baby Got Back" was released in 1992.
Coincidence?
Yes.
And now for BC's very own, the Vancouver Canucks.
ALERIS: (Singing to tune of "By Mennen.")
Jim Benning.
TAYLOR: Wow what a great song.
You really captured the overarching forlornness and general ennui of the Canucks, and I use
this term loosely, "fan base."
ALERIS: Thanks!
We have one more Pacific division team to "Slot" in.
Our "Ace in the hole."
Our team that you don't give two "craps" about.
TAYLOR: Ooh ooh ooh!
Can I try one??
A team that'll warm you up when it's excaliburrrr.
["Viva Las Vegas" plays on synthesizer]
TAYLOR: Brand new city gonna set the league Gonna set the NHL on fire
Got half a billion dolllars of expansion money Could Gary Bettman be pitching one higher?
There's Marc-Andre Fleury just dying out there
No number one centre, what do I care Got bottom 3 defensemen and draft picks to spare So Viva, Las Vegas
Viva, Las Vegas Viva, Viva, Las Vegas
(Elvis voice) Thank you. Thank you very much.
TAYLOR: And so much for Act 1.
ALERIS: Yeah!
(Caught off guard) Oh, This seems like a good time to bring in a running series on Puck
Face Podcast.
(Both laugh) In the spirit of Ice T's Dungeons & Dragons Audiobook, this is Hockey D&D League.
[Medieval 8-bit chiptune plays]
ALERIS: If you weren't with us last time, what we do here is roll 4 dice 6 times to
determine scores for Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma.
We combine the 3 highest dice from each roll to get our numbers.
Based on these stats, Taylor will decide which hockey player or personality is represented
by that character.
TAYLOR: Our first draftee was Montreal's Shea Weber.
Who will join him this week?
Aleris, roll those dice.
ALERIS: All right.
I will push the button on this app.
So for Strength we have…13!
TAYLOR: All right, so 13 strength.
Stronger than average.
ALERIS: All right, Dexterity.
Oh no!
That will be 7.
TAYLOR: All right.
So somebody who's not going to be a top pair or top line talent.
ALERIS: Okay rolling for constitution here.
Ahh, well, we got a 16.
TAYLOR: Okay. 16 constitution.
So probably we're looking at maybe like a 3rd liner, line a grinding, eat up minutes
type of player.
ALERIS: Next roll for intellegence, and we have 16 again.
TAYLOR: Another 16, all right!
Okay, somebody who's got some abilities.
Let's see how they use those abilities with wisdom.
ALERIS: They have a 15 to work with there.
TAYLOR: Oh my goodness.
You know who this is starting to look like to me?
ALERIS: Who's that?
TAYLOR: A little bit like Matt Cullen.
The, uh, sometime 4th line centre for the Pittsburgh Penguins and now the Minnesota
Wild.
But I'm not so sure about that.
ALERIS: Ok.
TAYLOR: Let's see what charisma says.
ALERIS: Yeah.
Let's see, he's working with 14 charisma.
TAYLOR: 14 charisma, that's pretty good.
You know what, let's say, let's go with Matt Cullen.
I like Matt Cullen.
Cully's a good guy.
He's a family man.
You know, he can put the puck in the net sometimes.
His dexterity would have been a little higher when he won a cup with the Carolina Hurricanes.
But I think this is a pretty Matt Cullen-y player.
ALERIS: Well congratulations Matt Cullen, you're on the team.
TAYLOR: Yeah, you might not be on the Pittsburgh Penguins anymore, you have no chance to threepeat,
but you do have a chance to take part, in Hockey D&D League.
Who will be next to, uh, excuse me, (laughs), to accompany Shea Weber and Matt Cullen on
their quest.
Tune in next time.
ALERIS: And now, back to Hockey!
The Musical.
["Swingin on a Star" plays]
TAYLOR: Jonathan Toews is a centreman who plays for the
Hawks He'll put you to sleep each time he talks
The salary cap is a total mess And Marian Hossa can't get dressed
So if you wanna get swept in four games You might grow up to be Jon Toews
ALL: Or would you like to play for the Stars?
Carry Radulov home in a jar?
And be better off than you are?
Or would you like to be Duchene?
ALERIS Duchene is an Avalanche who cannot be swayed
He asked Joe Sakic for a trade.
He's kinda overrated just like Varlamov And if he does get traded he'll be in the
playoffs So if you think you're an unmitigated pain
You might grow up to be Duchene
ALL: Or would you like to cheer for the Stars?
Have the highest scoring by far?
And a jersey so green it's bizarre?
Or would you rather be the Wild?
TAYLOR: The Wild are team with a coach named Boudreau
They'll get into the playoffs and implode ALERIS:
The Blues are bad in goal So of course they'll miss
TAYLOR: The Jets won't make it either
And the fans'll be pissed So if you want a hockey team that is on par
Then you should choose the Dallas Stars
ALERIS Or would you like to cheer for the Preds
Go right back to the Final instead At least their captain reciprocates h—
TAYLOR: Intermission! Intermission! Good God.
ALERIS: What? I just meant oral s—("Blades of Steel" intermission music plays)
["Cheers" theme plays on piano]
ALERIS: Making your way in the league today Takes everything you got
Trading away a franchise centre Didn't help a lot
Wouldn't you hate Don Sweeney's job Sometimes you have to go
And lose a bucket load of trades And get Dave Backes overpaid
You wanna go where people know Zdeno's efforts are in vain
You wanna go and see the Bruins lose a game You wanna go where people know
Chiarelli is the one the blame You wanna go and see the Bruins lose a game
TAYLOR: How's the world treatin' ya, Marchy?
ALERIS: Welcome to Act III of Hockey!
The Musical.
The Atlantic Division!
TAYLOR: Hey Aleris, what did you make of the last season of the Buffalo Sabres?
ALERIS: Well, I thought the whole narrative that led up to Tim Murray's ousting didn't
make a lot of sense.
Like it was completely telegraphed right from the beginning, but they tried to be all coy
about it—ooh, will Jack Eichel take Tim Murray's side or will he betray his own
team?
And you're like, oh my god, obviously he's not gonna do that.
So when he doesn't you're like, ok, where's the suspense?
Where's the clarity of motivation?
TAYLOR: Interesting.
How about the Detroit Red Wings?
ALERIS: Well, I felt the sense of place that they developed over all those years was suddenly
betrayed.
Like, one moment Brendan Smith and Steve Ott are there and then they're suddenly way
off in another city.
Like, how did Thomas Vanek get to Florida in one scene when it used to take Jamie Lannister
a whole season to get to King's Landing?
And as for Florida, I felt like they blew all their budget on CG just to make it look
like Jagr can still skate, rather than putting those resources into good storytelling.
TAYLOR: I know exactly what you mean.
Here's a song about 3 teams we probably won't see in the playoffs this year.
["Game of Thrones" theme plays on guitar]
TAYLOR: Jack Eichel looks like Joffrey Baratheon ALERIS:
(Looks like Joffrey, Looks like Joffrey) (Just like Joffrey)
TAYLOR: He drove out Dan Bylsma, and Tim Murray
ALERIS: (Killed Tim Murray, Killed Tim Murray. Metaphorically)
TAYLOR: Detroit has a brand new Arena
ALERIS: (Little Caeser's, Little Caesers) (Yummy pizza)
TAYLOR: Athanasiou is threatening to leave ya
ALERIS: (Gonna leave ya, Gonna leave ya. Fucking see ya)
TAYLOR: Jagr is way too old He won't be signed
Last season, of Game of Thrones Was just all right
ALERIS: (Wasn't great though, wasn't great though)
(Wasn't great though) (Wasn't great though, wasn't great though, wasn't great)
TAYLOR: Wow, what a great song.
We now come to an original 6 team, and a team that just so happens to be your childhood
favourite, Aleris.
The Montreal Canadiens.
Hit it!
["Frère Jacques" plays on xylophone] TAYLOR:
Frère Pricè Frère Pricè
Dormez Vous?
Dormez Vous?
Better not or they're fucked Sorry but the Habs suck
Yes it's true Yes it's true
ALERIS: Oh, shut up.
Asshole.
TAYLOR: Wow, the truth hurts, doesn't it?
ALERIS: Says the Canucks fan.
TAYLOR: Again, I use the term, "fan" loosely.
ALERIS: I think the Canucks use the term, "hockey" loosely.
TAYLOR: But enough about them.
Back to the Habs.
Here's one.
What do you call a guy who'd be a number 4 centre in an ideal situation—at best a
number three, but in the case of the Canadiens he's a number 2 centre.
ALERIS: What?
TAYLOR: Danault.
ALERIS: Ugh, Taylor, that's my joke.
Ok.
Did you hear about the matching feet that were discovered off the coast of Port Renfrew?
TAYLOR: No.
ALERIS: Yeah, they called it the most upsetting case of something being washed up on the west
coast of BC since YOUR VANCOUVER CANUCKS.
TAYLOR: Look, I'm not upset about the Vancouver Canucks.
[Theme] I'm Not (I'm not upset now)
I've got (Got no regrets now) I don't care 'bout the Vancouver Canucks
(So give) Give me those Vancouver Canucks
(Singin, ringin, Nucks)
[Crowd cheering] JIM HUGHSON: It's a wonderful day for an exorcism!
ALERIS: Oh good, they've arrived!
TAYLOR: That's right, we've brought in a real life barbershop quartet to tell us
all about our next team, the Ottawa Senators!
Please welcome the official barbershop quartet of Puck Face Podcast, Pitch Please!
[Aleris & Taylor in 4 part harmony. Tune of O Canada] O, Ottawa
Erik Karlsson's on the shelf Alfie's retired
MacArthur's gone as well With Chabot too young and Oduya old
And Phaneuf on your top pair With no fans attending your hockey games
In the middle of nowhere God help your team
Oldest in the league O Ottawa, watch them make the playoffs anyway
O Ottawa, watch them make the playoffs anyway
ALERIS: Wow, barbershop.
So exotic.
TAYLOR: Our final two songs of Act III represent the class of the Atlantic division.
ALERIS: You have the Tampa Bay Lightning, who almost made the playoffs last year despite
a rash of injuries.
Like a really big rash of injuries.
Like a rash that covers a third of your body and makes Yanni Gourde a regular in your lineup.
Who the fuck is Yanni Gourde?
TAYLOR: And then you have the Toronto Maple Leafs, an exciting, up and coming team with
talent to spare, and a seedy underbelly, exemplified by a management that is, how shall I put this,
circumspect.
ALERIS: Stephane Robidas?
Never playing again.
TAYLOR: Frankie Corrado?
No obligatto.
ALERIS: That 3rd year of Patrick Marleau's contract?
TAYLOR: David Blaine that shit—OH!
ALERIS: Now let's take a trip down to Florida.
["Oom Pa Pah" plays on piano] TAYLOR: Ladies and gentleman, bruvers and
sinners all, I call upon the esteemed producer of Puck Face Podcast
ALERIS: Ey, that's me!
TAYLOR: To sing the ol' song, Tam-pa-pah!
ALERIS: There's a little ditty they're singing in Miami Especially when they're counting their
Stanley Cup rings TAYLOR: Zero!
ALERIS If you got yer picks in, you'll know that
this division Belongs to Stevie Y, who will win everything
ALL Tampa-pah Tampa-pah that's how it goes
Tampa-pah Tampa-pah everyone knows!
ALERIS Nobody scores quite like Steven Stamkos
ALL When they hear Tampa-pa
ALERIS Mister Johnny Drouin, He knew what he was doin When he refused to play
For the minor league team Patiently he waited
Then Yzerman he traded him Now he's on the 'abbies
Who always get creamed ALL
Tampa-pa Tampa-pa that's how it goes Tampa-pa Tampa-pa everyone knows!
ALERIS Good fing they're not coached by Barry Melrose
ALL: When they hear Tampa-pa!
ALERIS: You just had to throw a dig at the Habs in there, didn't you.
TAYLOR: And how!
["Any Dream Will Do" plays] ALERIS:
I close my eyes I see Mitch Marner
Playing like a charmer Wonderful and new
I see my sweet, William Nylander. Auston's wing commander.
Any Leaf Will Do
I wore my old (I wore my old) Doug Gilmour Jersey (Ahhh)
Ne'er again to worry. Bout the boys in blue.
And in the east (And in the east) A star was rising (ah-ahh)
With Marleau signing (ahh) Any Leaf will do
A perfect pass, from stick to stick Who knew Jake Gardiner, was so slick
He sprung me cleanly through the defence I was left alone
[record scratch]
TAYLOR: Speak softly Joffrey if you know what's
good for you You do not want to be the one who angers Lou
You were our guy We loved you once
Until you trashed the team on Instagram, you dunce
Vine coloured days Out on the slopes
Sad drunken nights On his cellphone
Speak softly Joffrey close your lips and do not tell
You shut your yap or else you're in the AHL
Your physical Came back as failed
That's what you'll say if you want to keep your thumbnails
TAYLOR: Hey it's me, Taylor.
Since we're at an act break I'd like to take some time to discuss the events of the
'weekend "stick to sports" died,' as Bruce Arthur put it.
If you're dying for more songs, you can skip ahead 11 minutes and you'll be at the
start of Act IV.
So, the Pittsburgh Penguins accepted 45's invitation to the White House.
And we saw the wretched statement from coach, Mike Sullivan saying it's a "politics
aside" thing, which, here's the thing about white supremacy: If you express neutrality,
you're for it.
Sidney Crosby defended the decision, saying it is a "tremendous honour" to go to the
White House, and that they respect the office of the President.
Even though it's occupied by a white supremacist.
Sidney Crosby, who has built his brand on being apolitical, expressed a more political
statement by seeking out neutral ground on white supremacy than we have seen from any
other 'face of the game' maybe ever.
The best takes on all this, in my opinion, have come from Jashvina Shah. @icehockeystick
on Twitter.
Episode 18 of her podcast, Sticking to Sports, titled, "On Hockey Culture, the Penguins
White House Visit and More."
Please, please, please go check it out.
It's far more important than any of the goofiness we do here.
She talks about why the onus shouldn't be put on players of colour to kneel or to speak out.
JT Brown of the Tampa Bay Lightning has received death threats for just talking about kneeling.
Allies need to do more of the work.
She also talks about the framing of the white-dominated mainstream hockey media in the wake of the
Penguins' decision.
There are questions white beat reporters typically won't ask of athletes, that a reporter of
colour (if you hired one) would.
Beat reporters have been asking hockey players about kneeling, and not asking them about
accountability for police, which is the root of the issue of kneeling.
Since listening to Shah's podcast I've been observing what hockey talking heads have
been choosing to focus on.
I listen to a lot of sports talk radio.
TSN in particular.
James Duthie was doing a hit on Landsberg in the Morning, and he essentially boiled
down the problem with the Penguins' decision to go the White House to timing and tone.
He called their timing "tone-deaf" and "blind," which, abled white progressives
never fail to recruit ableism in their commentary on social justice.
I like James Duthie, he seems a nice guy, but that's disappointing.
And that's a thing whiteness does.
It loves to focus on tone rather than systemic violence—and if you think my concern with
Duthie's ableist language is about tone, it's not.
A large amount of people murdered by police ARE deaf.
50% or people murdered by police in the United States have a disability of some kind.
When you casually use disability as a metaphor for ignorance; as a metaphor for what's
wrong with the unjust side of injustice, you are treating state violence against disabled
people as a perfunctory social justice issue.
If you're listening and you casually use disability or mental illness as shorthand
for bigotry, I have three words: Thesaurus dot com.
Now, Duthie and others have brought sytemic issues into the conversation, but when they
do, it's very sanitized, and it always comes back to timing and tone.
I am not a Keith Olbermann fan, per se but he was right when he said 45's racism is now
the Pittsburgh Penguins' racism.
TSN's Matt Cauz, noted Harper supporter, said his problem with Olbermann's statement wasn't
that there was anything necessarily factually wrong with it, but that it was "too strident."
Look of course white supremacy is bad but heaven forbid we resist it in a way that's
a tad grating.
White culture is saying racism is bad out of one side of your mouth, and complaining
about the "tone" of those resisting it out of the other side.
White owners in the NFL have been defending their athletes for kneeling, or linking arms,
or staying in the dressing room, but have framed their support as a general "unity"
thing, rather than a specific statement about state violence.
Bruce Arthur was on Landsberg in the Morning and he discussed unity as a concept.
He said, "What does that mean?
What are you united in service of.
Some people are trying to make it "We are united as human beings and therefore we are
against racism."
Ok, that's also a coke commercial.
(That's Bruce Arthur, not me) Until you are clear about what you are united against,
then unity means whatever anyone wants it to mean."
White culture is, at every opportunity, co-opting resistance to white supremacy and converting
it into a subservient, malleable, and capitalist construct in service of the status quo.
TSN's Craig Button made the point at the end of a pretty milquetoast discussion on
Leafs Lunch that "Without discussion, nothing will change."
A truly profound statement.
Discussion of what, exactly?
Because the words, "White Supremacy" weren't uttered once during that segment of all-white
TSN employees with a platform they could have been using to elevate Black voices.
"Discussion" is a hugely attractive end goal for those who are consistently privileged
by discussion.
Until oppressive systems are dismantled, nothing will change.
Until policy changes, nothing will change.
Until money is invested in marginalized communities and marginalized people are given platforms,
nothing will change.
Until policing practices are radically deconstructed and the prison system in the United States
is not a continuation of slavery, nothing will change.
White culture is discussion having already presented clear solutions that are uncomfortable
to us, so we discuss it more.
White culture is having discussions the way we boil vegetables.
TSN's Gord Miller, who, again, seems like a nice, socially liberal white moderate, gave
as his reason why the Pens shoudn't visit the White House that 45 has made it a free
speech issue—by bringing athletes into it, and saying they should be fired for their
expression.
As if all that came before that wasn't enough.
As if white supremacy wasn't enough of a reason.
As if being an ally to athletes of colour wasn't enough of a reason.
Gord, you have a lot of good ideas about hockey, but that is a perfect example of white people
only stepping up when their own are threatened.
Bruce Arthur, in a rare example of a white person using an MLK quote to criticize other
white people, mentioned how the great stumbling block to Black liberation isn't just the
KKK, but the "white moderate…who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension
to a positive peace, which is the presence of justice."
Which by the way, describes hockey culture perfectly.
Don't ruffle feathers.
Don't stand out.
Tone down your separateness.
If you highlight your separateness, or if we just feel like that's what you're doing
you'll find yourself on the outside looking in, Montreal Canadiens.
More and more I wonder whether we say "Hockey culture" sometimes as a way of not saying
"White culture."
Just as a thought experiment, whenever you see the words, "Hockey culture," replace
"hockey" with "white."
Because sometimes, that's kinda what's going on.
Sidney Crosby is the living embodiment of 'hockey' culture.
And hopefully we're beginning to understand the problem with holding up a person who refuses
to make waves as a role model.
Back to Gord's point about stepping up only when you become a target.
Fascism is "omnicidal," as Ebony Elizabeth Thomas puts it.
@Ebonyteach on Twitter.
"If you think you're safe from fascism's omnicidal scythe, you don't know a thing
about fascism.
You aren't, and neither are your loved ones."
As Fascism grows; as white supremacy grows, it will choose white targets deemed to be
"degenerate."
The time to resist it is before that happens.
Mike Johnson was on Leafs Lunch, and he (thankfully) made a point I've heard no one else make
on sports talk radio.
Maybe others have and I just missed it.
He pointed out that for all the comments that kneeling during the anthem is an insult to
"people who served," Colin Kaepernick originally was sitting during the anthem,
and he approached veterans about it, who told him it would be more respectful to them to
kneel, so he did.
So for those who say "lefties," which is code, disrepect veterans by kneeling, when
was the last time you consulted an actual veteran on your own actions and assumptions.
It might have been Craig Button or Dave Poulin who pointed out that Joel Ward and PK Subban
are Canadian, which, I guess was supposed to mean that somehow their blackness is less
relevant to the conversation.
For one, police violence exists in Canada.
Since 1998, half of people killed by Toronto police while in, quote, "mental distress,"—again,
code—have been Black men.
Toronto's population is about 8% Black.
8.
Half.
Secondly, Joel Ward and PK Subban play in American cities.
Ward and Subban both said they won't kneel during the anthems, and there are some white
liberals out there who really need to get over their handwringing about it.
Whatever Joel or PK other Black hockey players need to do to feel safe, kneeling or not,
isn't our place as white people to criticize.
Like Jashvina Shah says, white folks need to step up and carry more of the burden.
If we don't expect that from people in leadership positions in hockey, then 'hockey' culture
has a pretty warped definition of leadership.
Go Caps.
Now back to silly hockey songs.
ALERIS: Welcome back to Hockey!
The Musical.
Act IV is all about the Metropolitan division.
A division with no teams that look truly terrible going into next season.
Washington and Pittsburgh may have taken a hit, but they're still tops in what should
be the best division in hockey.
TAYLOR: We begin with the Carolina Hurricanes, who were already one of my favourite teams
to watch before they drafted my favourite player from last year's World Junior tournament.
Martin Necas.
Draws penalties with his neutral zone speed.
Protects the puck so well in every zone.
Makes sneaky great little passes.
He won't play for them for a couple years, but man, this team just gets better and better.
["Sweet Caroline" plays on piano] TAYLOR :
Ya signed Scott Darling And I've been waiting all summer
The underlying numbers can't be wrong
TAYLOR & ALERIS:Hanifin And Terevainen
Victor Rask Lee Stempniak
And Aho too
TAYLOR: Sweet Caroline ALERIS:
(whoa-oh-oh) TAYLOR:
S'About time you're finally good I've been inclined
ALERIS: (whoa-oh-oh)
TAYLOR: To think Cam Ward's misunderstood
ALERIS: You know, we were so excited about having an actual barbershop quartet in studio,
we decided we'd bring them back to serenade the Columbus Blue Jackets.
TAYLOR: Specifically, their coach, John Tortorella.
Patriot.
Dog lover.
Abusive prick.
Distinguished guests, please welcome back the official barbershop quartet of Puck Face
Podcast, Pitch Please.
[Aleris & Taylor in 4 part harmony]
Oh say can you stand At the coach's command
If you don't then you'll sit Tortorella demands it
Though the defence is great And they play well at home
It's true, without Sergei Bobrovsky they're boned
Oh say does that stick wielding Penguin have a say
On their place in the Metro
And the rounds that they play
TAYLOR: Enh, you guys have done better.
[Quartet sings "Fuck You" in 4 part harmony]
TAYLOR: Fair enough. Now where were we? Oh right. John Tortorella. Husband. Father. Coach. Asswipe.
ALERIS: As we motor on through the Metro division, we come the most densely populated geographic
area in North America.
TAYLOR: Famous people from the New York Metropolitan area include:
ALERIS: Tony Bennett.
TAYLOR: Buzz Aldrin.
ALERIS: And Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
TAYLOR: We begin with a team Wayne Gretzky once referred to as "Mickey Mouse," who
is richer than Bill Gates, so, whatever that means.
A team called—the New Jersey Devils.
[Aleris makes trumpet sounds & knee-slapping percussion]
TAYLOR: Well the Devil went down to Edmonton he was
looking for a winger to steal He'd heard about trades that Chiarelli had
made and he was fitting to swing a deal Chiarelli said "Son, have I got one, and
his name is Taylor Hall And I'll trade you Hall for Larsson straight
up and the Devil was like "Really? That's all?"
[Aleris trumpet sound] Then the Devil went down to Washington and
he was feeling pretty slick.
So you bet he was dancin when he stole Johansson for a second and a third round pick
Then the Devil shot up the standings and the Rangers were mighty pissed
You could hear the hate from a neighbouring state and it sounded something like this:
["New York, New York" plays on piano]
ALERIS: Start spreading the news I'm leaving today
I've had enough this bullshit New York, New York
These male model shoes Are longing to stray
Or my name's not Henrik fucking Lundqvist New York, New York
I'm gonna wake up In a city, that fucking wins
No more goddamn second round exits Not that shit again
TAYLOR: Start spreading the news
I'm also leaving today Or my name's not John freakin Tavares
New York, New York These Islander blues
Heh, golly, playing for the Blues sound great I'll play in gosh darned Denver if I have to New York, New York
New York, New York
And if I can't play there Then I'll play…anywhere!
Even Quebec. New York, New York
ALERIS: Poor Henrik Lundqvist.
TAYLOR: Poor John Tavares.
ALERIS: No, Poor Henrik Lundqvist.
TAYLOR: Look, can we just agree that given their career trajectories and what Tavares'
options are going to be in free agency that neither of them are likely to ever win a Cup?
ALERIS: Poor.
Henrik.
Lundqvist.
(Pause.
Aleris breathes into mic)
TAYLOR: Now here's something we hope you'll really like!
["Fresh Prince" theme plays] TAYLOR:
In South Philadelphia born and raised In the press box is where I spend most of
my days Chillin out, thinking about how to approach
Telling the General Manager he should fire the coach
I'm Shayne Gostisbehere and I deserve better I am the best young defenseman in an orange
sweater I had one bad shift and the coach got scared
He said ALERIS: "You're not playing tomorrow, go sit by Pierre.
TAYLOR: Think you can scratch me...Just cause you won a couple games in North Dakota...Jerk....
TAYLOR: I pulled up to Pierre I said "What's new
today" And he told me all my stats in the NCAA
I looked on the ice, our defence was awful The coach sat me and dressed Andy MacDonald
(Music fades) Bullshit....I'm Shayne Gostisbhere.
I almost won the Calder!
ALERIS: Well, just like that, we have only two teams left.
TAYLOR: Possibly the two best teams of the last couple seasons, and two teams still considered
the class of the NHL.
The Washington Capitals and the defending Stanley Cup Champion, Pittsburgh Penguins.
ALERIS: Will the Pittsburgh Penguins win the cup for a third time in a row this year?
I'm not sure even their fans want that at this point.
Seriously, fuck the Penguins.
TAYLOR: If they get Matt Duchene out of Colorado they're probably winning it again, though.
But, yeah, totally fuck the Penguins.
ALERIS: The Washington Capitals lost a few pieces over the summer, but they hope they
can finally get over the hump and win a cup.
TAYLOR: Or at least make it to the final.
Or like, the conference final.
ALERIS: Ovi, take us home.
[Russian national anthem plays on piano]
TAYLOR: O Alex Ovechkin Poor guy just can't win
Marcus Johansson got traded away Alex Ovechkin
Washington's captain Four time Olympian if he had his way
Will a champion be crowned Will he pass the second round
Alex O Alex
O Alex why WHY Does Crosby so astound
Why do flightless birds confound
Alex Ovechkin, Will he rebound?
["Mrs. Robinson" plays. Aleris sings Melody, Taylor on harmony]
Dee, dee dee dee dee dee
Dee dee dee dee,
dee dee, dee
Doo, doo doo doo doo doo
Doo doo, doo
Dee dee dee dee, dee dee, Dee dee, dee
dee, dee dee
And here's to you, Mr. Rutherford Donald loves you more than you will know
Whoa whoa whoa God bless you please, Mr. Rutherford
The White House holds a place for you today Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
We'd like to say congratulations on your great franchise
We'd like to wish you welll again this year
Look around you, all you seee are friendly @ replies
Strollll around the garden 'till you feel at home
Coo coo catchou, Mr. Rutherford Donald loves you more than you will know
Whoa whoa whoa God bless you please, Mr. Rutherford
The White House holds a place for you today Hey hey hey
Hey hey hey
Sittin in the press box on a Sunday afternoon Peekin at your cellphone during the anthem
Be polite, don't ruffle feathers When it's time to choose
Every way you look at it you lose
Where have you gone, Super Mario A fan base turns its lonely eyes to you
Woo woo woo What's that you say, Mr. Rutherford
Sid and Geno have nothing to say Hey, Hey, Hey
Hey, Hey, Hey
ALERIS: We hope you enjoyed Hockey!
The Musical as much as we enjoyed making it.
Follow us on @puckfacepod on Twitter.
Find our fully captioned episodes on the puckfacepod Youtube channel.
Download us on iTunes or wherever free podcasts are sold.
But tell me what you want, 'cause if what you really really want is an alternative,
you can also listen to us on Soundcloud.
Now get outta here, you puck face.
[Music fades out]
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