- Okay, five, four, three.
(loud grunting)
This is...
Shit, I'm sorry, can we go again please?
One more time, ready?
Guys, you on me, my hair look good?
My hair look good, buddy?
- Man, come on!
- In five, four, three.
This is John Hounddog Bower.
And this is Busted TV.
Today, we come to you live from just outside
one of the most notable historical black colleges
on the Eastern seaboard, the mighty HU.
In our first segment today, we have Jackson Williams,
AKA The Rainmaker, known for making grown men cry.
(dog barking)
- Now all I know, man, my woman's cheating on me.
And I'm gonna break her neck,
and the chump she's with!
- Sources have followed your girl for the past few weeks,
and this is what we've discovered.
Take a look at this.
After all you've done for her,
taking care of her puppies and her sick grandma.
- This is bullshit!
- That's right, homie!
- [Rainmaker] You called me what?
- Mr. Rainmaker, sir.
- [Rainmaker] This is bullshit!
- [John] That's right, homie.
- You called me what?
- Mr. Rainmaker, sir!
- Say it again!
- Mr. Rainmaker Sir, yes Sir!
- Say it again!
- Mr. Rainmaker, Sir.
- Okay, where's she at?
- Our sources have tracked her to just around the corner
in this alley, sir, where she's helping this
young school boy.
- She's helping who?
- She's helping this young man move boxes
to pay his school bills.
Would you like to confront this young man, sir?
Mr. Rainmaker, Sir?
(mumbles)
Let's go.
Busted, guys, let's go, go, go, come on!
Right this way, sir.
- [Rainmaker] Hurry up!
- Okay, come on, guys.
Emerald, hi, this is John Hound Dog Bower with Busted TV.
- Oh shit!
(man yelling)
- What you doing with my woman fool?
- Baby, what you doing (mumbles)?
- What you with this little punk for?
- Man, this is--
- I'm gonna kill you and then I'm gonna kill you.
- She said her mama gave her that ring.
I'm telling you, her mama!
- Where's your head, bitch!
Where's your head if you wanna talk?
- [John] Emerald, how could you do this to Jackson?
You, how could you break up such a happy home?
- (Mumbles) he just, he just--
- Get your hand...
- He just you when you not here.
It's not what it looks like, I promise.
(man yelling)
- [John] Emerald, is he the one that gave
you the venereal disease?
(loud whipping)
- He's the one, he the one, he did it!
It was him!
(mumbles)
- You got a venereal disease?
That means I got it!
(woman sobbing)
- He was gonna tell my grandma,
and you know how my grandma is!
She'll pistol whip me and him!
- Kill him first.
- Not me, not me, not me.
- Man shut up and get out the way, chump!
(woman sobbing)
(man grunting)
- Don't nobody put hands on my man.
(loud thumping)
- Emerald, can I ask you a few more questions, please?
Emerald, do you still love your husband?
Emerald, what about this young man?
What are you gonna do?
Emerald, how are the crabs?
(loud thumping)
(exciting energetic music)
- Man, why don't you raise up off
my little brother computer?
- Man, it took your slow ass long enough.
What you doing in here anyway?
What happened to your room?
- Man, you know my mama doing her hydroponic game,
you know?
- Hey man, I told Zion ass not to be jacking up
the phone bill calling that flip.
He messing up the drinking and smoking.
- Man, I got bigger problems than the damn phone bill.
- Bigger than the drinking and smoking?
- Bigger than the drinking and smoking.
Man BJ called me yesterday talking about we
need to talk about our future, and you know what that means,
- [Both] She pregnant.
- Exactly.
So you know, I get over there yesterday,
and what's the first thing she says,
- [Both] I'm pregnant.
- So you know, I give her the hand sandwich
with a sincere nod, and I'm like yeah, you know,
she asks me, "What do you wanna do?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, you know, I wanna be the father
"and everything, but there's something that I
"need to confess before we go ahead and do this thing."
(loud whipping) (light rhythmic music)
I'm a cross dresser.
(men laughing)
She start crying and tripping out,
you know, I told her, I'm like,
"Yo, it ain't that L don't love you baby,
"it's just that I need you to know what kind of man
"you getting ready to start a family with."
- Did she buy it?
- Man, shit, what you think?
Nigga, she called the (mumbles) fast for an appointment.
Man, hey look, I know it's fucked up dog,
but look, I ain't ready for no kids.
Hell no!
(exciting energetic music)
- Hope them ain't your grand mama's drawers.
(energetic rhythmic music)
- Hey, hey, no woman breaks my heart.
I chased her ass down those stair like (mumbles).
(women laughing) (loud whipping)
A lyin' ass stank.
- Sheryl, tell them about that nigga Darren.
- [Women] Scandalous niggas!
- Word of advice, ladies, never date your best friends
girlfriends brother.
After I broke up with that fool L...
- [All] Scandalous niggas.
- I start going out with Darren.
So he begged for months to get some nana, right?
But I wouldn't.
So one day we went back to his mama's house, right?
And so he was complaining that his stomach was hurting.
So I was like, "I'll fix that boo, let me rub it."
(women laughing)
So anyhow, we butt naked right?
Kissing and hugging, and this fool farts.
(women yelling)
It smelled like hot cheese and garbage.
I was like take your ass to the bathroom,
but he just sits his ass on the end of the bed
holding his stomach rocking.
- [All] Hmm mmm.
- So I told this nigga to go to the bathroom,
and when he gets up I look at the foot of the bed
and this nasty ass negro leaves a turd right where he--
(women screaming)
I could not believe it, I could not believe it.
That just goes to show you,
if a nigga ain't breaking your heart,
they shitting on you, just like that fool L.
(loud whipping)
- [All] Scandalous niggas!
- And I agree whole heartedly.
(dramatic rhythmic music)
- Hey, you know drinking and smoking at your house tonight.
- Hey, ain't none of that tonight, you crazy.
- Hey, hey, push my car because my reverse broke.
(man laughing)
(loud grinding)
(intense rhythmic music)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
What's up, sexy Lanise?
Listen, I just got in.
Damn, hold on.
Hello?
- Smoking and drinking at your house tonight.
- Nah, ain't no drink, smoke nothing here tonight.
Lanise is coming over.
(man laughing)
- You talking about fat ass Shamu from around the corner?
Man, you can see her another night.
- Nah Cuz, she went back to that fat camp
and her body is like whoa, I'm talking Mya style.
So let me see, hell crazy wild butt naked sex with Lanise
or hang with ya'll broke asses.
I'm hanging with Lanise.
- Hey man, damn that, we coming.
Hold on.
What?
- (Mumbles) what's up with tonight?
- Smoking, drinking science.
- I thought the two lovebirds were kicking it tonight?
- Hey Shepard, you still single?
- As a dollar bill.
Zion think he gonna hit that tonight.
(women giggling)
- Yeah whatever, good luck.
(light rhythmic music)
- Lanise, you know I'm ready, right?
You ready for the handcuffs and hot wax?
I'm gonna have you backing that thing up,
dropping it like it's hot, all that, ma.
- Boy, what is your problem?
- Man, what the hell you doing here?
I thought you were on your fellowship.
- Well as you can see, asshole, I'm pregnant.
I found out when I went back to DC.
- Again, mom and them know?
Kennedy's daddy know?
That ain't Rodney's baby?
(man giggling)
- Shut up.
- Well you need to vamoose,
because I got company coming over.
So you, Kennedy, and whoever,
need to get the hell out of here.
- Daddy all ready rented out my apartment
so I ain't going nowhere except to lamaze class,
which means you and Kennedy are going to have
some quality time.
- I got plans, you better take her around the corner.
- To Aunt Nelly's house, it smells like burned batteries
over there, and you know she drink too much.
- Damn.
- Oh, and mama left you a list of chores
right here on the fridgerator, and she said,
and I quote, "No butt naked hoochie parties",
end quote.
Oh, and if you do, I'm telling.
And you know what that means, no European tour
for you Mr. TV Star.
- Always playing coochie cop, stop hating.
(rhythmic easygoing music)
(light explosions)
(loud knocking)
- What the hell you want, boy?
I know you, boy, I remember you from the airport.
You live around the corner, don't you, boy?
Yeah, all you little niggas starting to come around
now that she done slimmed down.
- But, but, but--
- What, you talking back to me boy?
What's that in your ears boy, earrings?
You know what we used to do with prisoners like you
over in Desert Storm?
We used to take a broomstick and make love to them.
You wanna make some love tonight, boy?
- Uh uh.
- I didn't think so, now get your shiftless ass
off my property.
Now Lanisa's leaving tomorrow to make something
better of herself, and none of you little niggas
is going to stop her!
Now get!
(rhythmic soft music)
(door slamming)
- You know my pops would kill me if he knew
you was over here, right?
- Ain't nobody worried about cracker ass fool,
never did like him.
The punk still owe me money, fifth grade.
Hey, you lucky that girl ain't see your monkey ass on TV.
You gonna go check her out or what?
- See her?
Her Rambo ass daddy won't even let her talk on the phone.
She leaving tomorrow.
- Hmm mmm, I heard about that dude.
Hey, hey Z, you remember that time you took her blouse
and put it over the car, made it a car cover.
(men laughing)
I was that respect (mumbles). - That was a good one.
- You created the bun.
- That was a good one, it's different now though.
We talk on the phone for hours, she smart,
she got goals, she got a banging ass body,
and she love me, so I'm gonna be hittin' that tonight.
- And (mumbles) I gotta tell your dumbass
that sex don't equal love.
Sex ain't good but for two things, boy,
and believe me, I know, VD.
- How else am I supposed to show her
I got feelings for her?
- Write her a poem, send her some flowers,
buy some oranges, I don't know.
Damn nigga, do something positive with your life.
Now that little analogy is only gonna cost you $5.
- Just because you took a few philosophy classes
in college don't make you Dr. Phil.
- Man, I'm smarter than Dr. Phil.
He need Oprah, I ain't got nobody.
So you gonna check her out or what?
- Man, that place like Alcatraz,
I all ready staked it out.
- Look man, you could sneak in the crib from
the next door neighbor.
- But what about Kennedy?
- You worried about Kennedy?
Man, don't you know about babies?
When a baby is sleep, a baby is dead.
That's why baby be in cars, floating in the water,
still be alive, they dead.
- What about the cameras, the motion lights,
and the damn attack dog?
- He done stepped up his game, huh?
Well let me tell you something,
the lights in the front yard work, trust me, I know.
But what we gonna do is we gonna go around the back door.
I'll take care of the dogs,
you just watch out for the dog shit.
- You know what?
That don't sound half bad.
- Not bad, huh?
Now that little information's only gonna cost
you a 3.99 extra.
- What, you charging me?
Man look, I'll tell shorty you the one who
stole Rodney's motorbike.
- Hey, hey, brother, I don't want no trouble.
Don't tell that fool shit.
I heard he slapped a dude and broke his ankle.
Why don't you let a brother get the blender
and three spoons?
That's all I need, I don't need nothing else.
- What?
Man here, and that's for your stomach, not for your arm.
- Ah, let's see what we got here, Larry.
Ahh, Jesus, who cooked this shit?
Ain't nobody gonna buy this burnt ass food.
Let a nigga get his own plate.
- Man watch out, queen Eveleen might be coming.
- Oh, shit.
- Hello look, I'm leaving, Sanford's out in the car
waiting for me, Kennedy's in the back sleeping,
and the bottles are--
- Are not in my plans.
The only nipples I'm gonna be playing with tonight
are Lanise's.
- Well Zion, then I guess mom is just gonna have
another stroke when she finds out about the $1,500 bill
that you ran up for all those long distance calls at school.
- I'll pay my debt to society.
Where mama leave that traditional 50 bucks?
- She didn't leave you no money,
and they'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
So like I said, the bottles are in the fridgerator,
and I'll be back at 12:30 so have fun.
- Whatever, Trick.
Hey, what's wrong with the bathroom?
- It's broke, so don't mess with it.
- Too late.
(light horn music)
- And don't think about taking Mama's Suburban
because I got the keys.
- Five hours, damn, man.
(light beeping)
(phone ringing)
Is Lanise?
- [Man] Is that you (mumbles).
(light clicking)
- Damn, old wino.
(rhythmic drumming music)
(intense rhythmic music)
(light sobbing)
What the fuck, damn.
(man yelling)
(intense rhythmic music)
- Hey, hey, Z, I didn't even know nothing about this.
- Man, what the hell ya'll doing up in here?
- I didn't even see, I didn't even know about this man.
- Man give me the baby, man.
- Here, Shepard told us to meet over here for the,
you know, the smoking drinking.
- Man, Shepard ain't here and
Shepard ain't gonna be here.
- See I told you we came too early.
Something stinks.
- It's the bathroom.
And there ain't gonna be no drinking, smoking
shit here tonight, I got plans,
so ya'll gots to go.
- Plans, you got plans, by plans you mean
going and harpooning Moby Dick big ass sister
around the corner, you ain't slick, nigga.
- See dog, I know we used to be clowning her growing up,
but since I've been talking to her, man she is funny,
sexy, and that freak is ready to have that ass tizapped.
- Better hope Sergeant Payne is drunk and asleep.
- I ain't worried about him.
- Hey, you got any condoms?
- First three pack.
- All right, let's make a deal,
you give me a skin and I'll take care of the baby,
you can go body slam Oprah fat ass.
After that, you come back, I take old girl around
the corner in the car, wax that bumper, baby.
- No, but look, because I need to use all three of these.
But they got some saran wrap in the kitchen
if you wanna use that.
- Oh, okay, all right.
- I want you to safe because I'm your boy.
- Yeah, yeah, cool, do your thing.
(light rhythmic music)
Luscious.
(intense rhythmic music)
- Yo Z, hey, I dropped that plate you gave me, man.
Can I get another one?
- Does it look like I got a microwave stuck to my ass?
- Oh, my fault.
Yo Z.
- You trying to get me killed?
- I was just wondering, man, hey, why don't you just
give a nigga the keys, I'll go over and make my own plate.
- Look, L is over there, go to the back door,
he'll get you one.
Now get out of here and stop playing with (mumbles)!
(rhythmic intense music)
- Hey Z, hey, one more thing,
is it true that you gave the young lady crabs on television?
- What?
(man yelling)
(man grunting)
- God don't like ugly.
(intense rhythmic music)
(dog barking loudly)
- Better do a date check.
Under arms, cool.
Breath, it's all right.
Condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms.
Man, damn it.
L!
L, yo L, man.
(loud knocking)
- Hold on, hold on.
Why you so loud man?
- I see you found some condoms.
- You smell like shit.
- Man, that's your nasty ass,
you smell like (mumbles) up in here.
(man laughing)
Feet, ass, and sweaty titties.
Man, give me the condom.
- Watch it, watch it, fool.
- Man, that's all they got left?
- Man, the first one broke.
You know me man, hey, and I still got the second one on man,
unless you want that--
- Put that shit away, man.
Look, if Cripple Junior thirsty ass come over here
begging, don't let him in.
- All right, I got you.
- Damn.
- Do your thing.
Yeah, yeah, baby.
(people laughing)
(light ticking)
(rhythmic intriguing music)
(man grunting)
- Damn, not again.
- I hate you, you never let me go anywhere!
(simple rhythmic music)
Hey, hey you.
You understand me, don't you?
You understand me, Curtis.
You understand me, don't you, 50?
Don't you, Mr. Jackson?
Yes you do, yes you do.
(woman laughing)
50!
Grab my ass 50, grab it Curtis!
(mumbles)
Hi.
(loud thump)
Ow.
Hi!
I missed you.
- I missed you, too.
Hey, what's up with your pops?
I tried to call you earlier.
- Oh, he's tripping.
It's just it's my last night here before I go to my moms,
and you know.
- Before the trip in Michigan, I know.
- Hey, did you hear back from that agency in Europe?
- Yeah, I got the fellowship.
- Yeah?
- Hey, let me come in.
- Are you crazy?
My father's cleaning his guns!
- Baby, I don't care about him,
I'm gonna do whatever I gotta do to get beside you
on our last night.
And if I have to sacrifice my life then I will.
(light giggling)
(loud knocking)
- (Mumbles) come on, let me in now.
Let's talk about this.
- Talk about what, you ruining my life?
- Hey, the way you emailing me all those sex scenarios,
I was thinking that you could be Lil Kim,
and I could stuff my shirt with pillows and I be Biggie.
(girl giggling)
- Well okay, you can come in but be quiet.
- Okay.
- Okay.
(light building music)
- Damn you sloppy.
- Shut up and kiss me!
(loud knocking)
- Honey, Brooksia, you okay?
- I'm fine daddy, just leave me alone.
Do you smell that?
- Smell what?
- See daddy, you knocked down all these boxes!
- Honey, I'm sorry, let me help you pick it up.
- No, no, why can't I just go out with my friends?
- Look Brooksie, what did I tell you?
Those boys don't want nothing from you
except what you got between your legs!
Now they wouldn't come over here when
you was a fat ass (mumbles)!
Or when you were crying because them boys around
the corner tied (mumbles) around your neck.
- Daddy!
- Well they wasn't!
Now I done worked too hard and paid too much for fat camps
to have you mess up and get yourself pregnant
by one of these (mumbles) around Compton.
I had to dropkick one of those nigglets off
the porch a few hours ago,
trying to bring you some tired ass freeway flowers.
- Dad, just get out and leave me along.
God, I'll be glad when I'm out of this hell.
- Honey, just let me help.
- You are ruining my life!
Just get back to your drinking and leave me alone!
- Damn you crazy, crazy like your crazy ass mama.
Fine, you clean this mess up yourself!
- I will.
- Damn, it smell like fast (mumbles) in here.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Baby, no baby, I ain't trying to avoid you.
Look, it's just Brooksie's last night home.
I'll try to come over there later.
- Come here!
(soft rhythmic music)
- Look, I ain't doing nothing without a condom.
Zion, you got a condom?
- For shizzle, yeah, I got one.
- Let me see it.
Is that a grass stain?
- Uh uh, it's good.
(strange rhythmic music)
- Sanford, where do you have me?
This place looks so raggedy.
Just give me my water.
Water Sanford, water.
- Here you go, baby.
- No, it's purified at night, spring during the day.
Do I have to tell you this stuff a million times?
God, is it even the right temperature?
Oh, you make me sick.
(rhythmic easygoing music)
(people screaming)
- Greetings my brothers and sisters.
- Welcome.
- And welcome, welcome to holistic relaxation.
(mumbles) it is a new and alternative way to lamaze.
- The C and E method is a new way to channel
the minds energy away from pain
and into a salacious bliss.
- Show them what we mean.
(fast drumming)
Shake it, shake it, shake it, my love, shake it!
Oh, feel it!
Stop, come back, we don't wanna get the young man pregnant.
Come on.
(loud groaning)
More, more love!
(light giggling)
New exercise, get up, come on!
- I am not doing it without a condom, now turn around.
- You said we gonna do in the jacuzzi,
how the hell am I gonna put a condom on in the jacuzzi?
- Look, I wanna do it, I just ain't doing it without one.
(loud screaming)
- Damn L.
Baby, I gotta go.
Hey, why don't you go with me?
- Are you crazy?
If my father finds out, he'll take my car.
It was supposed to be a surprise from my granny,
and if he catches me, it's bye bye car,
and I can forget about going to the Bahamas
this summer for senior trip.
- Baby, your daddy ain't gonna even know.
Look, I promise, if you come with me,
we'll be back in a snap.
Do you wanna spend some time with me or what?
- What if he knocks again?
(rhythmic slow music)
- Baby, your man's got a plan.
(intense drumming music)
Come on baby, hurry up.
- I'm coming.
Wait, wait, how's my hair?
- It's okay, you tryin' to get your daddy to shoot us?
Come on.
- Okay, all right.
(rhythmic slow music)
- L, oh man, I'm gonna kill that fool.
Come on man, ya'll smoking around the baby!
- [Man] Ain't nobody smoking shit, that's hemp incense.
- Come on man, damn.
- Damn, Shamu, you a damn fat camp miracle.
- Hey yo, where's Kennedy dog?
- Man chill, I gave her to Cripple Junior.
- Cripple Junior!
- You gave a baby to a smoker!
- Man, I told you not to let him in, damn!
- Man, I ain't let in nobody man,
he came in the same time Shep did.
- And?
- And, man he was begging for money
so I paid him to take her to your aunt house.
Ain't no baby in the drinking and smoking!
- Oh my god.
- You've got to be kidding, right?
- Hey, he probably all ready did man,
just turn up the monitor and get his EPA.
- There you go.
- ETA, L.
- [L] Whatever.
- [Lanise's Father] Honey, Brooksie, are you okay?
- Oh god, that's my pops.
- Brooksie, Brooksie are you gonna sit there
and be insubordinate?
- My pops, daddy!
- [Lanise's Father] Brooksie, I know you're mad,
just hear me out.
- Daddy!
- I changed my mind about tonight.
Look baby, I just don't want you to make
the same bad decisions like your mama.
- Why isn't this thing working?
Yes, daddy.
- You can go out tonight with that fast tail Maricar
and Sandra, but just be home in bed by 12:30.
- Daddy, daddy!
- Can you forgive me, Brooksie?
(men giggling)
Can you forgive me, baby?
- What's wrong with this thing?
- [Lanise's Father] Brooksie?
- Daddy, daddy!
- Look, I just gave your ass what you've been whining
for for the last five days,
and you gonna sit there and disrespect me with your silence?
- Why can't he hear me.
- Oh shit, I think I might have forgot to turn
up the other monitor.
- You wanna act like a brat, I'll treat you like one.
- That's my bad.
- Now I'm going over to Marlene's house,
I'll see you in the morning.
(woman sobbing) - That's my bad, baby.
- Oh yeah, I'll be setting the alarm,
so you try to leave your room or sneak out of this house,
girl, and the police department gonna be paging me.
- [Zion] It's gonna be all right, baby.
- Did you hear me, girl?
Hard headed.
- It's gonna be all right, baby.
(woman sobbing loudly)
- Dead girl walking.
- Baby, I'm gonna fix it.
- Hey man, your uncle will know what to do, man.
- Hey, ain't your uncle go to that derog...
Whatever man, he went to that technical school
to rob people, man.
Tell him to go over there and get him.
(slow r&b music)
- Man, you trying to find the baby,
check the monitor, see where your uncle at.
(light static)
- [Woman] Around the world and back, huh?
- [Man] Around the world!
- Around the world?
Sound like that fool at the smoke spot,
tell him to get me a dub.
- Smoke spot!
- Shh!
Damn man, we gotta go find him.
Yo L, where's Jana?
- Man, she left after I tried to handcuff
her ass to the toilet.
- God, you did what?
- Girl, I'm a freak.
- Yo Shep, where your keys at?
- [Shep] Man, Dante just dropped me off,
we went to get some blunts.
- Take the bike, fool.
- Cripple Junior stole the seat.
Come on baby, we gotta go.
Ya'll stay here just in case he come back.
Damn!
(rhythmic strange music)
- Notice a smoke of the incense.
Oh, it represents the freedom of pain,
liberty, of motherhood!
(mumbles) is here!
- Chi!
- Chi is here, my brothers and sisters!
- I can feel it, can you feel it?
- Hell na, look, can we just hurry up, my feet are swelling.
- Come brother, come.
- My dear sister, you have to learn how to let go
and let your chi flow.
- Come my brother, come!
- What does this have to do with breathing?
- Everything.
- Once you master the mounting technique (mumbles).
(man yelling)
Then you will feel no more pain!
- [Woman] Let it go, brother.
- I feel it, baby.
- You feel it, my brother.
- [Sanford] I can feel it!
(light rhythmic music)
- [Woman] Oh, yeah.
- [Man] Scratch him baby, scratch of the cat.
(people yelling)
Oh yeah, right there (mumbles).
Qui him mami, qui him!
- Sanford!
(people yelling)
(light ticking)
(men coughing)
- You've gotta fix your boy one of them drinks, man.
- Anytime, man.
- When we got to his aunts house, no one was home.
- Bingo night, it's bingo night.
- Well there goes the drinking and smoking, huh?
- All you care about is the drinking, smoking.
I could be losing my fellowship!
- This bitch threw up all over me!
(fun soft music)
- Get out of there, the bathroom is broke!
(woman laughing)
Oh hell no!
- [Lanise] What the hell happened?
- Oh my goodness, Big Dennis broke up with her for
a freshman and she has been drinking since noon.
- Look, I don't know nothing about Big Dennis,
but ya'll gotta get the fuck out of here, for real!
You smell like bourbon, get off me!
- Zion, chill the hell out.
All we gotta do is clean up and
we'll be out your little (mumbles) house.
Come on, girl.
(man groaning)
- I just put these streaks in.
- I thought your father was tripping about
you kicking it tonight, Lanise?
(mumbles)
- I was only supposed to be here for a minute,
now I'm stuck because we got locked out.
- Oh, that's why the alarm was on.
- What about your car?
- And he better be laying you good pipe
if it's worth risking your car.
Did you give him some?
- Well, not exactly.
- And you must know (mumbles).
- No.
- Girl, you are tripping.
Ain't a dick in the world worth a BMW.
- Hey Shepard, hey papa, shit.
If you didn't hear that--
- Means L ain't far behind.
(woman yelling)
- Shepard, can you excuse us for a minute?
Sandra listen--
- I'm out of here, Lanise.
- No, look, I just need ya'll to stay here for just a
minute, just until his sister gets here, an hour tops.
- An hour?
I'm trying to get my thing on.
- Girl, you doing a lot to stay a virgin.
- Shh, not so loud.
(rhythmic deep music)
- Hey, hey, she mad?
How she look?
Has she got any knives with her or anything?
- It's gonna take time for that girl to get
over the love of her life having sex with her three cousins,
and her stepmom.
- I was wrong, huh?
- Yeah, that was fucked up.
- Man, I got bigger problems than these broads.
I can't find Cripple Junior,
Kennedy's at bingo with my drunk ass aunt,
and Charlotte and her white ass husband
gonna be home any second.
So hell no, them broads gotta go.
- Now Z, we hate to use extortion on you, pimpin'.
But we seen you on that Busted show last week.
(men laughing)
- You know what, I think we just reached a negotiation spot.
It'll hurt your new love to find out about all that.
- Man, I'm not even worried about hitting Lanise no more,
she acting all stand offish like she
on her period or something.
- Hey look, I knew Shamu was gonna be a waste of a condom.
Women got coochie in two places anyway.
Coochie down here, coochie up here.
(men laughing)
- And when Dante get here, the party gonna start.
- Man, shit on Dante.
I got way bigger problems than that.
- Yeah man, so live for today,
because tomorrow you a dead man.
And now if I know women, and I do because I'm a pure bred
pimp, the drinking and smoking will only bring
the freak out, Z.
- That's what's so tight about the drinking, smoking.
It brings shit together.
Look, before we know it, you're gonna be back in school,
on the grind, losing touch.
These are the times that's gonna bring us together
on one accord, these are the times that our feeble mind
is gonna run to with wifey on our back
about watching too much football.
- And cleaning the gutters, and going to ETA meetings
with the kids and shit.
- It's our last horizon into manhood,
it's our exodus of freedom.
I say we take full advantage.
- And you poking Oprah ass, no way.
So you might as well go ahead and take, take,
take one for the home team.
(men laughing)
- All I know is if I get busted,
my parents ain't paying for my trip to Europe.
- All I know is if you don't find Kennedy,
Charlotte gonna kill your ass,
Rodney gonna dig you up, and he gonna kill your ass again.
- Yeah, sound like L in.
What you gonna do?
- She's just scared that L will whoop
that voodoo back on her.
- No, actually I'm scared that you'll throw yourself
on the first dick you see,
just like every other time we around some niggas.
- God.
Okay, Crystal, Crystal, we don't care that you've
never been tardy.
- Sit your drunk ass down.
- You know what, first of all, I'm not with Jennifer
so that makes me bitch free.
Secondly, I'm a bisexual so if I wanna sit, squat,
or spin, or (mumbles) on every dick I happen to trip over,
hey, that's my prerogative, okay?
- Whatever.
Look, if that asshole is here, I'll wait in the car.
- Oh yeah?
Smelling like sour bologna, not in my ar.
- Just chill.
Look, please do this for me.
For the first time, a guy likes me for me.
(light giggling)
You guys have had boyfriends, I haven't.
- That guy from the internet.
- He was in jail.
Look, I just don't want our first experience
to be unschooled and clumsy.
Look okay, all I have to do is get through the night,
then I'm off to the all girls Catholic school.
And with all the boy school dorms next door,
I'll learn everything I need to know.
Then I can come back and please my man.
I thought you all were supposed to be my girls.
- Sounds like love.
- If it is love, which is odd, but whatever,
girl, you don't have to have sex with him to show it.
Let him love him for you and
not for what's between your legs.
- Okay, I don't know about them, but you can count me in.
- Look, Sandra.
- Does Zion and them have a washer?
- Yeah, they do.
- You got wait 'til my clothes dry.
- All right, thanks.
Crystal sure is heavy, thank God Shepard helped
me drag her to your parents bedroom.
- Yeah, she better not throw up on my parents goose down.
- I won't let her, but you do have to check on her
every five minutes because she will sleep walk in a second.
Thanks for letting the girls borrow your sisters clothes.
- Who (mumbles), she won't even miss them.
Hope that Catholic school teaches you how
to do some home economics.
- I know how to keep my man pleased.
- Yeah, he gonna be pleased,
but his drawers ain't gonna be the right color.
Put this on some quick wash so we can get to the real deal.
- Is that all that you think about?
What about my car?
- You gonna be back home before your
dumb ass daddy even know.
(exciting rhythmic music)
- [People] Go Sandra, go Sandra, go Sandra!
(people cheering)
- I'm skinny now, I'm skinny now.
(light humming)
- All right Larry, survey says, we've got...
What, man I'm missing some shit.
Damn, this ain't gonna get me but $10.
It ain't gonna get us nothing, Larry.
(light rock music)
Hey, that's a 1976 280Z.
(light beeping)
A female owns that which means it has sounds.
Aha, we about to get paid!
(exciting fun music)
(loud slapping)
(mumbles)
- Turn off the damn light.
(woman sobbing) - Oh, Crystal.
- Man forget ya'll, you smell like fast Willy anyway.
I'm about to go drink my drink by myself, solo.
Hey, hey, somebody car getting jacked.
(quiet alarm ringing)
- Damn you're right, what ya'll gonna do?
- Damn Mari, ain't that your car?
- Oh hell na, ain't nobody jacking me for my--
- Wait, wait, come.
Look, let's all go out there, come on.
- I ain't going without Lanise.
- Well I ain't going without Zion.
- Shit I ain't going, ya'll crazy.
- Slow down, slow down, we gonna go out there as a group,
and scare them, come on.
- Hey fool, what you doing?
- What you think I'm doing?
- Okay, thank you.
Hey, anybody so crazy they'll talk back to you
when they robbing your shit is out they mind.
(loud popping)
- Yo get down, get down, get down!
Hey, Cripple Junior in the back.
Yo, ya'll better get him to go out there.
Shit, I'm out of here.
- Really?
- You ain't gotta force me to love you.
(exciting intense music)
- Oh, shit.
Fuck, Lanise can you please call the police.
- I'm trying, my cell, it's not working.
I'll go inside, I'll use the house phone.
- Don't look like you gonna be bumping shit.
(man laughing)
- They didn't have anymore sauce, baby.
- I told you a thousand times,
ranch makes me gassy, I need Italian to balance it.
You know, all I ask for was a little sauce and
a little respect, but no.
And then all I ask for was a simple lamaze class
but you, you had to bring me to the playboy mansion.
- How many ways do I have to say I'm sorry?
I am sorry, I thought the class was legit.
- A wrinkled old pervert taping us,
a white woman dressed like the grim reaper,
and your naked ass taped to a blow up sex doll.
That's legit, really?
- Ow!
- You are gonna pay for this the rest of the night,
trust me.
You know, let's just go to the movies,
unless you found a way to mishandle that responsibility.
- Yes, baby.
(light r&b music)
- Are you sure you called the cops?
- Yeah, they gonna be here, now pipe down.
Hey, ya'll know what I was wondering?
- What's that gumdrop?
- Why the hell would Lona from the Good Times
sing the theme song to The Jefferson's?
- Hey, what do ya'll think ever happened to
the first Lonnie, now that boy had talent.
- Yeah, and why didn't we ever get to see Elizabeth?
- I think it was because Weezy, Weezy didn't wanna sing
with George because George ass was gay in real life.
I seen it on True Hollywood Stories.
- I'm telling you, Shaggy and Scooby were weed heads.
- Hey man, why'd they have to kill James?
- Nah, how do you figure they were weed heads?
- Listen to this, they had to kill James
because James was the political catalyst to the struggle.
See what I'm saying?
See, by killing James, kill the damn struggle.
- [Zion] Preach my brother.
- What do Shaggy and Scooby need all the time?
Scooby snacks, that's because they had the munchies.
- Well you know, they were the ones that always
saw the ghosts and everything,
and always all paranoid and stuff.
- I would have did my thing with Thelma.
- Don't you ever talk about Thelma like that again!
Her and D was the only black virgins in the ghetto.
It was ebony primadonnas, you better watch your mouth.
- Man, why the hell they kill (mumbles)?
- Hey fool, what you doing?
- I'm pouring out some liquor for the dead homies.
When you die, you want us to pour out some liquor
for you, right?
- Hell na, don't pull out shit, drink mine.
I gotta go rattle the snake.
- More like flick the worm.
(people laughing)
- That was tight.
Come on, let's go, I'm gonna take you somewhere.
(lighthearted soft music)
- Hey, in five minutes come get me.
(soft sensual music)
- I wanna tell you something inside.
- What are you up to, Mr. Webb?
- I just wanna tell you something, so come on.
- All right, but let me just tell Sandra
something right quick.
- [Zion] You all ready talked to her, come on.
(rhythmic hip hop music)
- Somebody's gonna hear us.
- Baby, I won't scream if you don't holler,
I'm a silent lover.
(people grunting)
Damn, you strong, I kind of like that though.
(soft rhythmic music)
- Wait, what if somebody walks in?
- The door is locked.
(soft rhythmic music)
- Wait, what if they miss us outside?
- Baby, you wanna do this or what?
You got more excuses than a nigga with fake food stamps.
(woman yelling)
What your drunk ass doing with Charlotte diary?
Get out of here.
Damn, go lay your drunk ass down, we busy.
(exciting hip hop music)
- What's up with you, lil' mama?
What's popping?
Come holla at a boss baby, Skinny Dre, I'm a real one.
Yeah, come on, slide over here, slide in, slide out.
Don't make me get out the car.
You know I ain't from around here.
Where my pistol at real quick?
You know, holla at your boy baby, it's nothing.
I mean, we can do it really big.
They call me Skinny Dre.
- Hey, hey, what the fuck is the problem, cuz?
- Is this your man right here?
- Hey baby obviously ain't trying to fuck with you
so why don't you make like some ass and shake up outta here?
- Was I even talking to you, you bitch ass nigga?
- Hey, why don't both of ya'll just chill out?
- Why don't you shut the fuck up, bitch.
- Oh, hell no.
- [Maricar] Hey what the fuck man, what the fuck.
- What the fuck?
- Yeah, I got your what the fuck.
- Hey, hey, back up, back up.
- Hey, you ain't no motherfucking thug.
- Says who?
Your sister don't say that.
- Size you up right quick, what's going on, homie?
How you been, nigga?
- Oh hell na, nigga, man, give me my drink.
- Where's your car nigga?
Why you ain't help me, nigga?
Almost had to smoke everybody, Skinny Dre--
- Hey that ain't cool, nigga, that ain't cool at all.
Get a nigga blood pressure up.
Hey, why in the hell Shep getting all in love?
He ain't do nothing but some fake ass thuggin',
I almost got my ass shot up.
- Stop hating, nigga, why you hatin'?
- Hey, I told you I didn't have to force you to love me.
- See that's why I called Skinny Dre in here.
I told you, I can't let Dante,
nobody mess up this tradition.
- You don't think Dante's coming back?
- Fuck Dante, I know he with Tammy Wilson country ass
hitting it.
- Not with her, all she does is smoke your weed
and leave you high and dry.
- How do you know?
- Believe me.
- Hey, why you gotta be like that?
- Don't touch me, fool.
- Come on, now.
- Don't go for that shit man, you going for that?
I wouldn't go for that if I was you, nigga, man up.
- Hey, you don't know her.
- Man up, nigga, chin up.
No, chin up, man up!
Don't be like that, man up!
Ya'll tripping.
- Hey, you love me.
- When did you become such a (mumbles),
it's kind of sexy.
- I ain't no thug, I'm a scholar and a pimp.
- Well it's just good to know that chivalry
hasn't been forgotten.
- You women would get more chivalry
if you weren't gold diggers.
- Hey, you remember that language arts class we had?
- When I used to write you all those notes.
Will you go with me, check a box.
(woman laughing) I was jocking.
- I wonder what would've happened.
- If what?
If you had had said yes one of them thousands of times?
You'd be happy right now.
(soft rhythmic music)
(sirens ringing)
- Zion, Zion, wait, wait!
I think the police are outside.
- So?
- Go see, you know how L is with the police.
- L is a grown ass man.
- Go see.
I'll be here when you get back.
- Okay.
- Go see.
- Can you just answer me one question please?
How in the hell did you expect us to go to the movies
with no money?
- Just wait a minute, I told you,
I must have lost my wallet at the lamaze class.
- This lamaze class.
Ooh, if you mention that lamaze class one more time!
Just do it so I can knock the (mumbles).
- How about we go to the park, I can rub your feet, baby?
- You're gonna have to shape up if you wanna
be in your child's life.
The park is fine.
Ow.
- You okay, baby.
- It's just another Braxton Hicks.
Get away from me.
(engine revving)
Don't tell me this busted car's dripping again!
You know, if I gotta get out and walk one more time,
it is your ass.
Go!
- Sorry!
(fun hip hop music)
- You still drunk man?
I ain't even drunk no more.
- Yeah, damn those cops, they didn't have to impound my car.
- Girl, you had 17 parking tickets,
and your damn registration wasn't valid since
Harriet Truman led those slaves out of freedom.
- Girl, this is too much, I'm gonna call my cousin,
grab Crystal and leave, because it's the second time
this week we've been shot at, and it's just--
- No, no, come on!
- Lanise, he is gonna find out about your secret, girl.
Learn how to handle your business!
- Well, you know what, I wonder what would happen
if you and Shep's little secret got out.
- Look little girl, that happened one time
and it was a mistake.
Now no one needs to find out about that,
it will only make things messy.
- Okay.
- I'll stay, just keep your mouth shut.
- Okay, hold up, I'm glad I brought my handcuffs.
- Damn.
Me and L about to dip.
The tradition is over, (mumbles).
- Good, take them with you.
- Wait, wait, Shepard, Sandra.
- Hey, let's all stay and kick it, order up some pizzas,
right, have a good time.
- Just get off the phone,
my aunt's gonna call from my neighbors house.
- Zion, who the hell you got at the house?
Who in the hell you got over there?
- Hello?
That was nobody, I was watching Sports Center.
- Whatever, where's Kennedy?
- She's sound asleep.
- Well did you make sure to change her?
Did you remember to burp her?
Did you remember to elevate her right arm
so that she doesn't get gas?
- Pipe down, I got it covered, she's sound asleep
and I'm halfway there.
- Ow, shit.
- What was that?
- Oh, touchdown, that Michael Vick boy is nice!
- Zion, hold on a minute.
- Charlotte, Charlotte.
(high pitched eerie music)
- Touch me again and I will kill you.
- So everything's cool?
- Yeah.
So you not coming home tonight?
Okay, well I'll watch Kennedy until you come
home from Sanford's tomorrow.
All right, later.
Man, ya'll trying to make me lose my fellowship?
Idiots!
- Still going to the park?
- No, my house.
(exciting fun music)
- Hey, I was wondering man,
I'm having some problems with one of my hos, man,
and this 1975 backhand ain't keeping them in line no more.
- You know what, it's 2004, you gotta use that
big pimping power ranger slap on these females.
- What's the power ranger slap?
- It's the red, green, yellow, blue slap!
- Hey, big pimpin', chill baby, chill.
Brother, look man, speaking of a man,
I was wondering, that honey brown girl, Honey D,
can I hook up with her?
- Hey, you out of control, that's top of the line tonight.
- I'm a top of the line nigga, man.
Now look, how much?
- Come on, you gotta have top dollars.
- I got it, I got five dollars.
- No, tell you what, five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30.
- Oh, numbers are high, those are lotto numbers,
those are lotto numbers.
Look man, come on, help me out,
me and Larry's been trying to hook up with that broad
for a long time.
- Hold on, tell you what, you take Honey B,
I take Larry with the overbite.
- Are you crazy?
Larry been in my family for over 25 years.
I've known Larry longer than I've known you,
you and this old purple hat,
blue, fake gold chain...
Are you crazy man, Larry is never leaving me man!
Me and Larry go down together, man.
Big pimpin', we ain't partners no more.
- We negotiating baby, come on back,
I got a new deal for you, how about Tina?
Cami?
Come on baby, you're doing it!
Oh man, good lord.
- I have an idea, what if I fix everybody some food?
It's been a rough night, you know,
maybe some food will help sober everybody up.
Are ya'll cool with that.
- Okay, hook it up.
- Yeah okay, good.
- Man, what the hell you cooking, doughnuts?
- It's spaghetti, silly.
- Oh shit, hey Z, check this out, bro.
Man this 19 year old Asian student from Berkley
just hit the lotto Wednesday for two million dollars.
- Damn, that's a lot of money.
- Damn.
- What would you do with that much cash, yo?
- Who, me?
I'd take Maricar out and buy her some ass.
(people laughing)
Man, I don't know, I'd buy my mama a crib.
I'd probably buy ya'll some rides, play a little stocks.
- Well the real question in what would you do with the money
is what would you do for the money?
- Hmm mmm.
- Let me check on my spaghetti.
(soft serene music)
♪ In the morning time ♪
- You don't know nothing about this.
♪ I just wanna make love ♪
- Sorry, (mumbles).
- Oh yeah.
It's been a long time since we kicked it like this,
right Sandy?
- You remember that?
- Well I gave you that nickname.
Well I'm just glad you ain't really leave tonight.
- Is that right?
- I mean, it's the perfect opportunity for me to
apologize for all them lies I told you.
- It would take longer than one night, L.
Besides, it doesn't even matter, it was a long time ago.
- It does matter, it really does matter
because the truth is that I ain't ever stop
having feelings for you.
- L, it's been a long time since I talked to you
without a knife in my hand, so don't make me regress.
- I know, I know.
That's why it's so hard to get you off my mind.
Baby, I know I'm not the perfect man,
and everyday I'm trying to do what I can to
get these skeletons off my mind so I can be
the perfect man for you.
The man you need me to be.
You're the only person to ever love me unconditionally,
you deserve that.
You gotta let me make this right.
- L, you know you'll always have a special
place in my heart, right?
But if you don't get your hands from between my legs
I will beat the living shit out of you.
- Damn, why you had to do that, man?
You ain't supposed to do that.
- Shut up.
(people laughing) (fun exciting music)
- Wait, wait, wait, Lanise,
you telling me for two mil cash,
you ain't gonna break your fathers nose?
- No, that's my father.
- Shit, I would knock his sergeant slaughter ass
the fuck out, then I'd give him head to ease the pain.
- All right Shepard, would you let Zion
stab you in the exit wound?
(people laughing)
- He can turn my brown eye blue,
and I'd give him a reach around.
But for five million, not for two.
- Gross.
All right Mari, let's keep it real since
you're dishing it out.
Would you give Shepard some nana if you weren't gay?
- Yeah, just as soon as you give Zion some,
if you weren't a virgin.
- What!
(lighthearted rhythmic music)
- [Sandra] No more excuses for how you are, L.
- I've changed, I'm celibate.
I'm telling you, I gave up all the sex and
everything six months ago.
- People don't change, especially that much.
- Girl, I'm telling you I'm sex free.
That maybe why I ain't been able to put the trees
and the drink down, but hell, I'm sex free.
- Okay, like I said, people don't change,
they just stop doing jacked up things for a while.
- That don't make no sense.
- Oh, really?
Well let me explain it for the kindergartners,
you've been up (mumbles), right?
- [L] For shizzle.
- But you still a freak,
you just a freak that stopped having sex.
- I ain't no freak no more, Sandra.
I'm trying to tell you that I've changed.
- So if I got down to my thong and shook it like
a salt shaker, you'd turn me down?
L?
- Huh?
- Damn.
- Girl, you all right?
- Hey, hey, she a grown ass woman, you ain't her mama.
Sit it on down girl.
What you need to be thinking about is forgive L.
Say it with me, forgive L, forgive L.
- I've done that how many times, L?
- Look Sandra, I understand what you thought you
went through when you thought you was pregnant.
- No you don't know what I went through.
I mean, all the lies, hiding a pregnancy from my mother,
having her find out, L, by me having a miscarriage
down the fucking hallway!
Yeah L, a miscarriage, blood everywhere.
So don't sit up here and tell me that you understand,
because you don't.
(simple soft music)
- So you're quite well rounded, you cook, clean,
a good father.
- Yeah, I was supposed to have Special Jay this weekend,
but the grandparents took her out of town.
I miss her like crazy.
- Special Jay, that's a name and a half.
- She's the truth.
- You giving men a good name.
Most wouldn't be a full time student and a father.
- Yeah well, I'll be sure to put you down as a reference
when I meet Ms. Right.
And I'll do the same thing for you if you need it first.
(simple lighthearted music)
- Well one thing is for sure,
I won't be marrying Mrs. Right.
- Hmm?
- Sandra, come on now, wait.
- Do you know what it feels like calling the father
of your unborn child and hearing that he's on his
way to becoming an international homosexual porn star.
- Look, you know I was different back then, come on.
- Do you know what it feels like
hating the person that you loved the most in this world?
- So, I'm a little confused, do you like men or women?
- Both, I like both.
I just haven't found the right one,
the one that touches the little girl me,
or loves the woman I am.
You know, makes me complete.
- Complete, that's what Zion said about Lanise.
- You probably always knew what felt right to you,
but I could never quite nail it down.
I like women, but I love men.
I just can't trust them right now.
- So, men just don't feel right.
- Exactly, I'm so mixed up.
Sometimes I don't want anything from anybody.
- See, that's when that special somebody
just comes right from under your nose,
making every part of your sensitized body tingle.
Making you miss classes and shit.
You know, that one person that escorts you to
that new level of ecstasy.
(soft sensual music)
- What do you know about making a body tingle?
- Nothing, I ain't met Ms. Right.
- Well you never know, she might be right in front of you.
- Hmm, you never know.
(soft sensual music)
- Now that wasn't too bad, was it?
- But you still love me?
- Yes!
But that's the thing,
you don't know the first thing about sacrifice,
and that's the beginning and the end of love.
I mean, have you ever opened yourself to cultivate any
emotion other than sexually driven lust for a woman?
(soft rhythmic music)
I'm not perfect, or pure, but I'm real.
And I try everyday to be a better woman for someone
who will love me for me,
and not for what I can just give up physically.
- All right,
but what I gotta do to shake it like a salt shaker
just one more time?
- Ooh!
- Damn.
(low drumming music)
- Oh yeah, Papi.
(mumbles)
Oh man, you just feel right.
(low rhythmic music)
- Mari!
Mari!
(loud explosion)
- Huh?
- The sauce.
- Ooh yeah, the sauce.
- Does it need something?
- Yeah, yeah, it's not spicy enough.
- You know, I'll be in the backyard,
maybe I won't run into anymore bullshit.
- See, this is the crap I'm talking about,
I told you to get gas, I told you!
I'm not walking home again.
- We are only two blocks from your house.
- Why she tripping?
- I don't know.
- Ya'll got something going on, or something?
- Nope.
- She hatin'?
- Ooh, just say it, just say it so I can slap your
tongue right out your mouth.
- I'll handle it.
- Don't have me waiting all night!
- Larry, look, it's them?
Pay day, brother.
(slow rhythmic music)
- Yo, yo, yo, you should probably go check on your girl.
- (Mumbles) she's all right.
- Damn, (mumbles).
- I'm sorry.
- Look, look, you should probably go check on your girl
before she tries to unicycle home.
- Okay, okay, I'm going.
- Damn, Lanise.
- Darius, I didn't know how to tell you.
- But you knew everybody else knew but me.
- Hey.
Where Lanise at?
- I'm right here, L. - Lanise right there, dog.
- I mean where's Sandra at?
- She back there.
- So you a virgin?
That's fucked up, dog.
- Hey homie, not now, not now.
- Hey, your bathroom still broke?
- Yeah, use my mama's.
- All right.
- Look, why are you worried about everyone else?
- I wouldn't be if...
Look, look, just forget it.
- Baby, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for
it to turn out this way.
- You had me playing myself in front of my boys and shit.
- You know I would not do that on purpose.
I was just scared of losing you.
I know that you're used to girls that have more experience.
- It's not even about the experience.
It's that, it's that I loved you,
and I wanted to show you.
- You all ready did show me,
with the emails and the coffee mug that you tried
to make me, it had a hole in it but I still liked it.
- Just be all in embarrassing when your boys
laughing at you behind your back and stuff.
Glad I ain't make that bet with L.
- What did you just say?
- Girl, what are you doing?
- Go back in the house, Mari, I don't need this BS.
- What are you tripping off of?
You're more jealous than my ex.
- I am tired of your shit.
I'm tired of every time we come around some niggas,
you become some damsel in distress.
- What are you talking about?
- Tell me Mari, why is it every time we come around some
dick you act like you ain't a rug muncher?
- Hey, do not talk to me that way.
- I'll say whatever damn well I please.
- You know what, just because men are attracted to me,
and not with your cynical, angry with the world ass,
don't get jealous.
It's not my fault I'm a dime, you can blame my parents.
- Your mother ain't out here hoeing.
- What?
- I cannot believe this.
Of all the underhanded things to do,
you bet your neanderthal friends if you were
gonna score with me or not!
(man laughing)
- Now I never would have done no stupid shit like that.
Wait, I guess I did do some stupid shit like that.
- Hey, I thought you was about to use the bathroom.
- Oh yeah, all right.
- But baby, it wasn't like that, you know me.
- No, I don't know you.
I don't know if I can believe anything
that comes out of your mouth anymore!
- Come on baby, don't talk like that, you know me.
(slow solemn music)
You know it was fate that chose us, not chance.
You remember that time I seen you at the airport
after all that time?
It was love at first sight.
You know you mean the world to me,
and I don't want you to feel pressured,
it's just that we have only this one night together,
and I wanted it to be special and unforgettable.
Do you forgive me?
- All right, I'll let you off the hook this one time.
- It was only a dollar bet anyway.
- I'm only worth a dollar!
- ♪ hold me down, I'm a big pimp ♪
♪ Hold me, hold me down. ♪
(toilet flushing)
Aw hell no, man Z trying to hold out on the drank.
I'm gonna give Crystal some.
Hey Crystal.
- So, so what?
You gonna (mumbles) with some niggas?
- Hey, you need to check your insecure self abusing
having ass before it gets whooped.
- Bitch, please.
- Hey, hey, you know why men like me?
Because I don't care about them, I just don't give a fuck.
So they want what they cannot have,
but Sandy, you fall for any fool with some lyrics.
Okay, wolves smell fear.
- You need to quit checking me and check your damn self!
Be a fucking parent instead of a babysitter.
- What! (Intense fast music)
(loud pounding) - Bitch!
- See bitch, every time I start speaking truth,
you start throwing darts.
- Hey, what the hell is wrong with ya'll.
- Yeah, I fell off the wagon, but I learned from that shit.
I got my baby back, so now what?
- Fuck you!
- And you need to let that shit go with, L.
You need to let that adoption stop hurting you!
(fast rhythmic music)
- Adoption?
I thought you had a miscarriage.
- Yeah, the first one she did,
but she didn't tell L about the second one.
She don't even know where the hell her kid is!
- Bitch, I'm gonna kill you.
Beat your ass.
(intense fast music) Come here bitch!
(mumbles)
(people screaming)
(intense fast music)
- You're trippin'!
You on some shit!
(mumbles)
- At least I know where my child is?
- Calm down.
Ya'll supposed to be girls,
ya'll out here fighting over old (mumbles) and shit.
- Hey, hey, what the hell going on back here?
- Man, where the hell you been?
- Getting my business.
Where Zion at?
Hey, Charlotte and the white boy on they way home.
- [Maricar] Shit.
- She told Zion she wasn't coming home tonight.
- Man, we need to tell him,
so he can have time to pack.
- Hey, hey, slow down youngster.
Little Cripple Junior got a game plan.
If you got $10.
- I'm not done with you,
I'm only doing this because Lanise likes this boy.
- Shh!
Let's go inside and clean up, and grab Crystal
and get out of here.
- What the hell happened to your hair?
- Nothing, it was windy out there.
- Whatever.
- What is going on?
She's what?
Okay, god.
- Hey Crystal?
(woman yelling)
Yeah, it's Big Dennis, baby,
want something to drink?
(woman yelling)
Oh hell no, what the fuck is that.
(woman yelling)
(man yelling)
(man grunting)
Oh hell nah, give me my drink back.
Aw hell nah.
(intriguing low music)
- Hey, you got the rope?
- Yeah.
- All right, good.
Here, put this on.
Now look, (mumbles).
- Man, this smell like butt crack and piss.
(lighthearted music)
- I'm sorry that my maid was on holiday.
Just pay attention, look,
when he gets to one of those trash cans we jump out
and we run away, okay?
- All right.
- All right.
(simple lighthearted music)
(man yelling)
- Break yourself, cuz.
What (mumbles) you from, white boy?
- I don't think you boys know who you're messing with,
Bob Marley.
- You want that crooked smile blown off
your face, white boy, huh, huh?
Give us your wallet!
- Hey, what we need that for?
- Would you shut up!
(man yelling)
Watch yourself white boy, tie him up!
- You heard the man, put your hands up.
- I don't think so.
- You want some hot shit plugged up your ass, huh?
- I think this dumb motherfucker too dumb to be scared.
- Oh no, I think you're the ones that should be scared,
since all you have is a pocket full of fingers
while I have in my back pocket a pocket full of steel
with the initials 357 Magnum on it.
(men yelling)
- He has a gun!
- [Charlotte] What is taking this fool so long?
I bet his ass lost the $10 I gave him.
Man, I gotta pee.
It must have been the spring water.
I could get home in about 10 minutes,
but what if I get attacked.
(eerie soft music)
Who's gonna want my wide ass, and I gotta pee.
Oh forget it, I'll just walk.
(loud rumbling)
- Can you move your feet?
- Hurry up, she'll be here in a minute.
So when I'm finished, I'm gonna grab Crystal
and we're gonna eave, okay?
- Okay.
- Give me my drank back.
(fast rhythmic music)
Can't eat that, can't eat that.
What the fuck?
(woman groaning)
Give me my shit back, woman.
(woman coughing)
Come on throw up, girl!
- What the hell is going on in here?
- Hey, it ain't what it look like.
- You're a sex crazed freak (mumbles).
- Hey Sandra, I didn't do nothing.
- What are ya'll yelling about now?
- Shamu, don't you got a show in the morning?
Get your ass out of here!
- Ask L the ripper here,
he was the one caught with his pants down!
- You know, if you were gonna get naked,
you could've done some sit ups,
you fake ass Shemar Moore.
- Hold up, you could've did about three, four, five
more summers at fat camp, now get your ass out of here!
Where's Shep at?
(men yelling)
(gun firing)
- He was in there trying to get Crystal to suck his dick.
- She was sick, Sandra.
- Wait, whose dick was L sucking?
- Hold up, ya'll got this shit wrong!
I was trying to help her ass.
- I knew your shady ass hadn't changed.
- Hold up, you know what?
I don't give a damn what none of ya'll hos believe.
- [Women] Hos!
- Chill out, chill out.
Sound like Crystal choking.
Somebody call 911.
- If she dies, it's on your head.
- Ain't nobody dying, get her into the hallway.
Hold on.
Damn, you need to take it easy on the upside down cake.
(women screaming)
Get her to the bathroom!
(light beeping)
- Hey get up here (mumbles).
- Oh, hell na.
(woman screaming) - Get her in the bathroom.
- Get her to the bathroom, get her to the bathroom.
Damn she heavy.
(woman gagging) (people screaming)
- Hey guys!
What the hell are you all doing?
- (Mumbles) because the toilet's broken.
(fast energetic music)
- I thought you was the jolly green giant.
- Damn.
Charlotte, I can explain.
- No, just save that shit for mama, Zion.
- Damn, man.
- Boy, where is my baby?
- You don't look so good, are you okay?
- And who the hell are you?
- I'm Lanise Bell, from around the corner.
- Damn, it's just a cramp.
- Charlotte, I swear I got a good story this time.
- You save your hoochi story for mama, all right?
Just where's my baby?
- Are you sure you're not in labor?
- I think I would know if I was in labor Ms. Thing.
Now where is Kennedy?
Boy, where is my baby?
- Hey, hey, hey, (mumbles) don't worry about her.
I put her over there at Nelly's.
- You brought her?
Boy, you give my baby to a crackhead?
- Hey, I'm a shooter, not a smoker.
I'm offended see, I'm offended by that comment.
(woman screaming)
- She doesn't look so good.
- You know what, I think my water broke.
- Are you sure?
It smells like pee.
- [Lanise] I'll call 911 again.
- I don't think I'm gonna make it.
Where's Sanford, where's Sanford?
- Okay, put her on the couch.
- What's going on over here?
- I need to push.
- [Everybody] No!
- But I gotta push.
- Hey, get some boiling water.
- Boy, that's only in the movies.
- I can't watch this, I can't watch.
(mumbles)
- I am, I'm gonna keep these drawers.
- Oh my god, oh my god.
- Oh my god, oh whoa, Jesus!
- I gotta push, I gotta push.
- No, no!
- Hey, hey, give me some alcohol, quick!
- [Sandra] Some rubbing alcohol for her?
- No, some gin and juice for me!
(people screaming)
Breathe, one, two, three!
(loud rumbling)
Oh god girl, you stink!
Man, what did you eat?
Larry, ah, you killed my bear!
- It smell like (mumbles).
- Whatever, she ain't died.
(fast energetic music)
- Ah, hell nah.
You smell like you just ate a bowl of shit flakes, back up.
- Hey, is your aunt home yet?
- Nah.
- Zion, can you explain to me how in the hell
you gave my baby to our crackhead ass uncle?
You know what, don't even say anything
because when mama finds out,
you can kiss your Europe trip bye bye.
And who in the hell was talking to you?
You know Ms. Thang, I don't think that Mr. Bell's
gonna think too kindly of his daughter
around the corner smoking and drinking.
- It wasn't his fault.
- Whatever.
- We weren't smoking.
- Embellishment, it's a privilege that only I have,
it makes for more drama.
Wait a minute, is this my shit?
Boy, you got these tramps in my clothes.
- I don't know what I would do about Rodney,
he would kill me if he knew I was carrying Tyrese baby.
- [Women] What?
- You mean Tyrete, Rodney's cousin locked in jail
for double homicide?
- I feel bad about lying to Sanford,
but what does he know,
he's just a stupid, dorky white boy.
(people laughing)
- Where did you get that?
- That is your diary, and let me finish reading it.
- You wouldn't.
- Try me.
- Believe me, you don't wanna mess with me.
(squeaking)
Kennedy, give me the baby.
- Thank you.
- Shepard.
- Ooh you, you got problems.
- God.
- Eight, nine, 10, and 10 makes 20.
- Yeah, well you just better be a man about your word
and keep your mouth shut.
- How your scandalous ass gonna
talk to me about some ethics?
(low rhythmic music)
Oh yeah, by the way,
I'll be sending the cigars to cell block B.
(man laughing) Tell your mama I said hi.
(intense rhythmic music)
(man laughing)
- Thanks for financing the excavation!
- Well you don't be home too late!
- You know what, during all the commotion
I had forgot to give you something.
Biyotch!
(woman grunting)
- You know, you don't have to help me out like this.
- I'm helping my boy and myself,
because when you come home next summer,
I'll be driving that ride.
- Oh, you think so.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Hey, thanks for saving me from getting my ass kicked.
- Sandra's pretty rough.
I hope her and L can smooth out some of that stuff.
- Her carrying that secret was heavy on her,
that's because she got rid of the burden.
- There at Zion's talking, so that's a good sign.
Chris is a good mediator.
You know, L having that baby,
it just might help him mature a little bit.
- I doubt it.
- [Zion] So he was shooting at ya'll?
- Man was they shooting.
Man, I was running faster than Ben Johnson on steroids, boy.
- You supposed to have my back.
Hey, you made a lot of money tonight, huh?
- I hustled baby, I hustled.
And let me tell you, it's all going to good use, dog.
- See, now you need to save that money
instead of shooting up.
- Motherfucker, is you crazy?
Tonight's my birthday, man, I wanna enjoy it,
and enjoy it well.
- I forgot it was your birthday.
Well in that case, do what you want,
but I just wanted to tell you thanks
for helping us out tonight.
- You know, I love you, you're my favorite nephew.
- I'm your only nephew, and I told you put that doll up.
- Hey you, baby I just wanted to tell you thank you
for understanding, you know, about my condition.
- It's okay baby, being a virgin is a good thing.
- Yeah?
- And I don't want you to feel pressured,
but I do want you to know I got real feelings for you.
- Well whatever happens tonight,
just know that I'll miss you and I'll write you every day.
- I know.
Let's go.
(low dramatic music)
- My car is history!
- I told ya'll he was home.
- Ah, let's just hope the old geezer is up
to his nightly ritual.
You know, hitting the bottle.
- Hey, we should've brought more people.
- Hey dumbass, no, more people's full of shit.
Look, let's just stick to the game plan
and we gonna be fine, all right?
(rhythmic low music)
(intense rhythmic music)
- This is it.
- Yeah, yeah, we know that.
Look, here's the deal, you wait here for the signal
(mumbles), okay?
Now one light to stop, three lights to go,
and we meet back here, all right?
- Yeah, one to stop, three to go.
- Yeah.
- Now you sure you know what you're doing?
- What, I break into shit for a living, girl.
I can steal sugar from piece of candy
without opening up the wrapper.
(mumbles)
- Hey, be careful, come back to me safe.
- [Cripple Junior] Your boy ain't going to war.
- Somebody bumping.
Did you get a signal yet?
- Yeah, she's in position but she says stay.
- Do you know what to do?
- You go and knock and you get him to chase you.
- Right, and you sneak in the back,
unlock the door so Zion can sneak back out.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
Hey, you know we got unfinished business, right Papi?
- You think you're ready for that?
- Yeah, I'm a big girl.
I've been on my own for three years now.
I know what I need.
- Well, once you in, you in.
Think you ready to trust me?
- I'm not ready to trust men,
but I'm ready to trust you.
(soft exciting music)
(man grunting)
- Hey, you need some help with that?
- Help with what?
- Help with doing absolutely fucking nothing.
Help me with this.
- Oh.
(man grunting)
(exciting fun music)
- Now look, this will help us get over the fence, all right.
Now we wait for team one to do their thing,
and then we tell Lanise to wait for the signal, okay.
- Yo, Lanise, Lanise?
- Hey, big dummy, are you trying to get us busted?
Damn, use these and get her attention.
Hey, and be careful.
- Lord, I know I don't go to church too often, but I--
(light thump)
Ow!
(intense rhythmic music)
- Somebody's having a fiesta.
Hey, it's showtime, Papi, come on.
- Shep, hey Shep!
- We almost there baby, we almost there.
- Baby, baby.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- Shepard's making his move.
- It ain't time yet.
Hurry up Junior!
- Hey man, it takes time to be a good criminal, damn.
You little bougie broad.
Why she ain't tell me the gate was opened?
- Come on.
- Damn.
(low rhythmic music) (crickets chirping)
(light knocking)
- What the hell you doing here, nigglet?
- Uh.
(man yelling)
- What the hell you doing here, nigglet?
- What happened?
(man sobbing)
- You don't wanna go over there.
- You know what, watch out,
let me show you how the pros do it.
(woman screaming)
Ow.
- Now there ain't no ho cakes sold around here, ho.
Your crazy ass friends are...
Boy, I told you if I caught you around here
I'd kick your ass.
(man yelling) (fast intense music)
- Come on, Lanise.
- Shut up.
Brooksie, get your ass back in here,
I'll deal with you next.
You can kiss that car goodbye.
You try to rape my daughter, boy?
- Uh uh.
- So you do wanna make some love tonight?
- Oh my god.
- Damn...
Whoa, way to go.
- Wait a minute, who the hell was that?
- Daddy!
- (Mumbles) you bastard!
- Ain't nothing gonna keep me from going
around the world!
(glass shattering)
- Where's my gun?
- Daddy, no!
(fast intense music)
(loud rumbling)
- About time you got your behind up.
- Damn, I thought I was dreaming.
- Well it wasn't, move boy.
(birds chirping)
- Hey, I wanted to tell ya'll,
that was good looking on cleaning up the house.
- Not a problem, you know we got your back, boy.
- Hey, where's Maricar?
- Oh, her cousins came and got her last night,
her daughter wasn't feeling good.
- So how ya'll gonna get home?
- You, Charlotte left the keys to the Suburban.
- You and Maricar, ya'll gonna be okay, huh?
- Oh, yeah, that's my girl,
we fight like that once a week, every month.
We'll be cool.
- Where the cups at, dog?
- Ain't no more cups, man.
You know I drink like a tired ass horse.
- Well you gonna come help me clean up dishes later, huh?
- Sure, holla at me.
You know after that crazy ass party last night,
you could use a little Jesus in your life.
(man laughing)
- Ya'll look like proud parents.
- Ha ha, joke.
(woman laughing)
- Shep, dog.
- Another wild one, man.
- Another wild one.
- One for the books, tradition.
- Working on five.
- Yeah, I'm gonna go pick up special.
Hey, is that Dante?
- That sure is Dante.
(rhythmic hip hop music)
- Hey come on (mumbles).
- Hey, don't hurt him Shep.
- [Shep] Hey, boy.
- What up, Dante!
I'll catch ya'll later, all right?
- Whoa!
(intense rhythmic music)
- I knew ya'll was gonna forget some...
(soft slow music)
Hey!
What's up, girl?
I thought you (mumbles), what's up with your, pops?
- Well, my granny dropped my car off this morning,
and Marlene took my dad to the hospital.
- But aren't you gonna be late?
And what about your pops, he ain't gonna--
- Hey.
- Come around here, popping up or nothing, huh?
- I have four hours before I have to leave.
Do you really wanna spend it talking about my father?
- No, I wanna spend all four of them hours with you.
- All right.
- That's what I wanna do, so let's go inside.
Piggy back?
- Okay.
- Jump on.
That's some nice wheels you got.
You're gonna have to let your boy use that.
- No way.
- I be needing a ride sometimes, know what I'm saying.
And we gotta go cruise in the sun.
Man, where Cripple Junior at?
He better come back.
- ♪ Happy birthday, baby. ♪
♪ It's gonna be good to me ♪
♪ Happy, happy birthday, baby ♪
♪ It's gonna be good to me ♪
(loud knocking)
- Give me a second.
What do you want Junior?
I told you there's no freebies around here.
- Freebies, girl, you crazy.
I got money, I got money,
and I want the birthday boy special
and everything that comes with it.
- Around the world and back, huh?
- Around the world, around the world.
- Hold up fool, you're short 20.
- I can't be short 20, I've been hustling all night.
What the...
Larry, I oughta bust...
Bear be tripping, I don't know what's up with him,
trying to mess up my birthday.
Here you go, girl!
- I hope you brought a condom, come on.
- Larry, we got a condom?
I left the condoms!
Damn!
(exciting R&B music)
(soft sensual music)
♪ If I didn't have you, girl ♪
♪ I would just roll in the hood at night ♪
♪ If I did not have you ♪
(energetic rhythmic music)
- But you knew everybody else knew but me.
- Hey, where Lanise at?
- She back there, dog.
- She right there. - I'm right here.
(people laughing)
I'm not doing anything without a condom!
Zion, Zion, you got a condom?
- Yeah.
- Let me see.
- (Mumbles) didn't give it to me.
(people laughing)
- Hey, somebody car getting jacked.
- Damn, you're right, what ya'll wanna do?
- Damn Mari, ain't that your car.
- Oh hell naw, ain't nobody jacking my sounds.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Hey look, let's all go out there, come on.
- Let go of me.
- I ain't going out there without...
- [Maricar] Damn those cops,
they didn't have to impound my car.
- Girl you had 17 parking tickets,
and your registration wasn't valid since
Al Sharpton had an afro.
Since Harriet Tubman had slaves.
Free slaves, she did something with the slaves.
Take it back one more time.
(people laughing)
- Come on baby, don't talk like that, you know me.
Look, it was fate that determined us, not chance.
You know that time I saw you at the airport
after all that time?
It was love at first sight.
You know you mean the world to me,
and you know you mean the world to me,
and I forgot the next line.
(people laughing)
- It wasn't valid since Harriet Truman, I mean Tubman,
led them slaves, freed them,
you know what I'm talking about.
(people laughing)
- I mean, I'm not perfect, or pure,
but I'm real.
And I try everyday to be a better woman for someone
who will love me for me,
and not for what I can just give them physically.
(light rhythmic music)
- But what I gotta do to get you to just shake it like
a shalt, shalt...
(woman laughing)
- What does his have to do with breathing?
- Everything.
(people moaning)
- Slap it baby!
- What, what, what!
(man yelling)
- [Man] We cut.
- It was fate that determined us, not chance.
It was fate that determined us, and...
(people laughing)
I messed up again.
- You're killing me, you're killing me!
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