so you have a quote that I love I would
rather live in hard truth than ignorant
bliss yeah and you're really into
radical honesty and how does that play
out in your marriage how does that play
on your friendships yeah so in my
marriage I got very lucky I married the
most honest man I ever met so he is very
direct already so he actually has helped
me in that just very directness with
friends it's hard I had to make the
choice a long time ago when I first
started this work especially with lie
objection lie detection is a skill that
is a blessing and a curse a little bit
just because you see inconvenient things
right you see things you didn't expect
to see about yourself or know usually
about other people I think you see in
the personality matrix you see things
about yourself you might not like as
much but with lie-detection you try to
see things about other people that you
might not find as convenient so I yes I
find is convenient yes because what
happens is and this is what happened the
very beginning of sort of honing the
skill and leveraging it as I started to
see friends who were not only lying to
me but lying to themselves and I had to
make a choice was I either gonna have
fewer high quality friends or less
quality but more quantity friends and
this was right at that stage where I
also was trying to figure out how what
kind of friendship said I want to have
on social media and it's the same I
think
question that we all have to ask
ourselves I think of social media
friendships like cotton candy and I call
these cotton candy friendships so cotton
candy friendships are great these are
the people that you love seeing at a
party right you see them you're like oh
you do a squiggle you're so excited to
see them you know they're also the woo
girls you know woo you know you see them
and I get excited you read Tom's like I
don't know what that's okay I'm sure
you've seen it before and they're and
they're really fun to hang out with
there's a lot a lot of substance there's
not a lot of nutrition right you
wouldn't text them if you were going
through something hard you wouldn't you
know call them if something happened to
them but it's a fun exciting friendship
the thing is is you eventually need to
have a meal right like cotton candy is
okay every once in a while but if you
have too much
it your teeth begin to like rot from it
you know you're they ache from the sugar
and give you a sugar headache and so I
think that it's about what are the
friends that give you nutrition like the
brisket friends and then which of those
friends that are kind of the surface
ones and that was a big decision I had
to make you've talked about breaking up
with friends like so how do you sculpt
that garden of friendship it's so hard
so I think that adult friendships is you
know when you're a teenager everyone's
talking about like bullying and
cyber-bullying I think that as adults
this adult friendship issue is the next
sort of frontier of talking about how do
we court friends how do we build a
friendship when it's not romantic how do
we break up with a friendship when it's
been too long and the biggest thing that
happens with friendships is they do go
stale and it's a very weird thing to say
but there are people I'm sure you could
think of someone in your life where
every time their number pops up on a
text message you're like oh it's been a
while I better call them or you know you
see them out of convenience or out of
location I think those are the kind of
friendships that really drain you
there's actually a study that was done
on ambivalent relationships yeah this is
so interesting yeah I'm thinking about
ambivalence a lot so toxic people we get
it right we all understand that we want
to get rid of toxic people that's more
obvious the real danger I think is
ambivalent relationships so these
ambivalent relationships are the people
where either you don't know how you
stand with them so you don't know if
they like you or not and they're also
the people where you don't know if you
really enjoy hanging out with them or
not have you ever had that yes and
you're like is this gonna be fun was
that fun is this fun and I mean those
are the ones that take the more energy
there are also the more dangerous ones
because they tend to creep in and stay
in so the whole notion of frenemies I
find really really intriguing and this
is something certainly that I have dealt
with in my life and it was weird to me
how until I read that that it didn't
register why that would be so insidious
so what the study what the science says
they did a research study with police
officers and they asked police officers
to identify the amount of toxic people
in their workplace and the amount of
ambivalent people
and they found that the police officers
who had more ambivalent relationships
were sick more often had less happiness
at work and didn't like their job as
much then police officers who had toxic
people just just thinking about that for
a second and the reason for this is
because if you have a toxic person
boundaries are easy they ask you to go
out to lunch and you're like no thanks
right like you know it's a no thanks
where's if an ambivalent person asks you
out to lunch or ask your their birthday
party or you know ask you to work on
something it takes this mental energy
where you have this thing where you're
like oh like will it be good would I
rather eat alone at my desk or what I'd
rather have lunch with this person and
it wouldn't snot always easy that's an
incredible drain on our emotional energy
and if you're an introvert or an
ambivert an ambivert is someone who is
kind of splits between extraversion and
introversion your energy is finite and
our mental space is finite and this is
something that I did not realize until
much more recently I thought that mental
space was sort of endless right you
could learn forever you could think
about things forever but actually we
only have a certain amount of mental
time every day and if we're dedicating
that to trying to figure out if someone
likes us or not which is a very
important thing we all like to be liked
whether we admit it or not
that I think is a waste of mental energy
why would we want to spend it towards
that that's why I think I've let people
are more dangerous do you have a
checklist cuz I'm like thinking back to
the people that manage to become
frenemies in my own life it's kind of
scary how long it took me to be able to
put that label on them to like sort of
wake up to the fact that either they
always were or the relationship had
evolved to that like years right years I
know so I don't have a checklist it's
actually just one simple question all
right sir are you ever doubting that
they're really happy for you
wow that cuts right to the heart of it I
mean that's it and that that happens all
actually quite often like there are
these people who make these very
passive-aggressive comments where you're
like was that nice or was that mean if
you're ever questioning that that means
they are not truly happy for you or if
you have a piece of really good news
they really true good friend will mirror
and match that excitement with you
someone who's not as happy for you we'll
come in with dream killer questions you
know dream killers yeah dream killer
questions are when they
question your success they doubt the
success to think of all the negatives
and dream killers are not always bad
I have dream killers in my life and I
call them when I need someone to poke
holes in a business idea right like I'll
pitch them because they're great
practice but I know that they are not
the people that I go to and I have
something I'm truly excited about
something that's the only question you
have to ask yourself and it might be an
inconvenient truth like don't answer it
off the cuff like don't answer it really
quickly like try to think of all the
times in the last six months that you've
seen them and shared something did you
feel like they were as happy as you were
about your happiness yeah and this is
this is one of those things that has
made a big impact in my life because you
can very slowly especially in business
find yourself in a situation where you
don't know who to trust and I find and
maybe it's the psychic energy like you
were talking about emotional energy for
me and it it became a question of
emotional safety mm-hmm where when I
know you're my enemy I don't feel
emotionally vulnerable oddly enough even
though I know you may actively be out to
get me like I can handle that yeah yeah
it's when I'm like giving you my neck if
you will enough and every now and then
you actually take a swipe at it and
seems like oh yeah that's when you lose
sleep yeah like yes literally I'm you
and you sit in bed and you rerun all the
things they've said or you said you
won't worry about all the things that
could potentially happen you know we
talk about psychic energy I actually
think that we are this is gonna sound so
weird I actually think that we pick up
on more chemically than we realize
yeah talk to me about that okay so I I
don't believe in psychics I don't
believe in psychic energy but I do
believe that things happen beyond our
conscious awareness in this sense so
there was a study that was done that
looked at fear it's what they did is
they took participants they had them
wear sweat pads absorbent sweat pads and
run on the treadmill and the they
collected sweat from these people
running on the treadmill then they had
participants wear sweat pads and jump
out of an airplane for a first-time
skydiving experience okay so they had
sweat pads that were just treadmill
sweat pads and they had first skydiving
sweat pads
okay same
what but is it really then they had
participants in a lab sit in an fMRI
machines their brain was being scanned
and smell kind of gross both paths they
did not know what they were smelling
they had no idea what they were smelling
they found that when participants
smelled the fear sweat pads the
skydiving sweat pads their own fear
response activated in their brain so
that means that somehow I think that we
can smell emotions so if you are with
someone and they are either they do not
mean well for you or they are planning
on taking a swipe at your neck you
somehow smell that threat and even
though consciously your brain is going
you they didn't say anything they didn't
do anything their body language is okay
it seems all okay the other part of your
brain the animal part of your brain
which is firing in fear response or
threat response is going no watch out
and that's what keeps you up at night is
your conscious brain wrestling with the
unconscious part of your brain I think
that's when we talk about being psychic
or having premonitions I think that's
actually what's happening we're we're
smelling or picking up on things that we
don't even realize that's crazy and just
for clarity's sake when I said psychic
energy that means psychic like okay
that's yeah that is incredibly
interesting I was gonna add the other
aspect of this is like facial structure
there's a part in the book that had I'm
obsessed with did you were you able to
sort of see the faces were you able to
see him yes and I like to think yeah
then I'm like Jedi level at : slicing
cool okay just from the amount of
interviewing that I've done like I'm
totally obsessed with this sort of how
much and it scares me because I think I
actually have like I definitely have
resting bitchface let's start with that
yeah and then on top of that like yeah
when I would explain to people like what
thin slicing is hey you're walking in a
dark alley and you turn around and you
see like this little old lady and she
seems so sweet like you thin slice
immediately not a threat my brain
immediately used the example but if you
turn around and see me you're gonna get
freaked out and I thought I have like a
face that like I would been sliced
poorly like I would not thin slice my
self-made loving kind individual okay
okay so I don't think you're wrong
see and you're sorry so sorry I know
oh I'm not inconvenient truth but let me
explain why act why please okay so there
is some evidence and again we if there's
a lot of research needs to be done this
but I find it fascinating about in the
womb babies are exposed to mother's
hormones so that could be testosterone
that could be estrogen that could be any
any different variation of things and
those change or turn on different genes
in the baby so for example if a baby was
exposed to a lot of testosterone
prenatally they are going to develop
more masculinized feature both men and
women so we know a face is very
masculine if they have a very very
square jaw if they have the presence of
stubble if they have flat eyebrows and
or slightly hooded eyebrows that's your
face okay okay no no it's a it's a good
thing it's a good thing because it's a
very masculinized face so what you that
is a hundred percent right so in the
book I have computer graphics of
incompetent faces two competent faces
dominant not dominant faces two dominant
not competent to competent and then I
think it's trustworthy not trust with a
trustworthy so you fall very high on the
dominance scale so if someone turned
around you weren't in a back alley
you look very masculine eyes which means
that you have a lot of testosterone in
table clean men with more testosterone
are gonna be you know more powerful have
shorter temper all these things so it's
about the shape of your jaw it's about
the hooding of your eyebrows that and in
the presence of stubble and you wear
stubble yeah yeah so this is I think
this is a good thing and this is a good
thing does it help that if the little
old lady turns around and I and I
actually worry about it like I distance
my like if I find myself and I know this
woman it's kind of a heart attack she
turns around like so I'll start slowing
down or I'll walk like over to the side
and fast so she can see how yeah yeah
to do my neutral goofy face which let me
see it how is it it's like I got arched
eyebrows like it's read it like half
smile and I feel like such a dumbass no
no but I'm like I have seen put it so I
used to do Speech and Debate in high
school oh yeah and one time like I
crushed it I was so excited and I got
the review back and it was like dude
what is wrong try not to look so angry
and I was like what like I literally and
so I read it something about yeah
do you like put your head down and then
look up you look like a serial killer
yeah yeah I was like what so literally I
go I go in the bathroom I took my head
down and I look up yo yeah we do that to
a camera cuz that is it that is yeah
that's what I really that's intense I'm
like huh it's fine yes
so yet and but now you know why right
you know it's the shape of your jaw on
your face so you what you did is perfect
you optimized how you were naturally
wired right okay right so it's to show
me your when did you call it your goofy
silly face my goofy neutral face I see
your goofy Urschel face again okay okay
perfect okay can I explain why this
works okay so when we raise our eyebrows
up it is the universal sign of interest
or engagement for example if I were in a
bar and go you would know what I meant
if I were to be listening and be like oh
you would know that means I'm like
literally trying to see more right it's
it the invocation of that so with your
eyebrows up it changes the shape of that
hooded look right so when you're like
this this is a very high testosterone
when you're when your eyebrows are
hooded so when you push them up not only
does it show openness engagement
curiosity say hi it also takes away the
hooding and then you also slightly open
your mouth a little bit but also softens
your jaw so in a way that takes your
face and just makes it more open I think
this is something I mean this is
actually a very good thing because I
think it's part of the reasons why you
are so successful Wow
we like people who are very powerful who
have high testosterone we like it for
both men and women so your look shows
intensity it's
strength it shows power so never be
angry at how you are wired your genetics
how your face looks because that is I
think a huge contributor to your success
I feel that way with everyone we all
have things about our face about our
personality about our body about that we
don't like but I think that if we can
frame it as this has been an aspect or
it can be an aspect of our success
that's extremely important for example I
also have resting bitchface
so we could you could I could critique
myself the guy was critiquing you so I
should create myself as well so I have
resting bitchface and the reason for
this is because my features angled
downwards so at rest this is me at rest
right and I just look like terrible
right I'm just like I'm bored I'm upset
and that is because my lips when I when
they're at rest angles slightly
downwards and my eyes also angle
slightly downwards
even if I'm totally neutral they angled
down so I know that I can look very very
serious but it's also helping me because
I am a science researcher right like
it's very important for me to look like
I'm taking things seriously as I am so
when I want to be moron or engaged
you'll notice that I actually do my
makeup a very specific way I don't know
you if you can see my makeup so I go up
and I also put my shadow a little bit
above my brow bone a little bit above my
eye to bring my eyes up that is because
I know that's going to make me look a
little happier a little less sad a
little less intense so this is something
that I know about myself but I don't
think that that's a bad thing it just I
mean that I know I have to counteract a
little bit alright so I want to go back
to radical honesty so what does that
look like like what are you actually
saying to your friends in particular so
this means that instead of making up an
excuse I will just tell them the real
reason I don't want to do something so
for example a good friend of mine was
like hey I'm I have this networking
event that I'm throwing it's with a
bunch of women in Oregon I live in
Portland you should definitely come and
do a little speaking thing and it'll be
really great instead of me saying oh I'm
really busy all right I don't really I
don't have time for it right now I was
like hey I do terribly at really big
loud networking events you don't want me
there like I get really anxious like
it's really hard for me is there any way
that we could do a luncheon instead
we're like around a table where we can
like talk sort of in a more quiet
environment so instead of making up some
excuse I actually will tell them the
real reason why I do or don't want to do
something and then we try to work around
it
what does that look like at work at work
oh so we have a wonderful team so we're
about six people in our lab then we have
a hundred and twenty signs people
trainers so our trainers are body
language trainers they do my curriculum
and there are different cities around
the world so basically what this means
is we have a very direct task management
system so I think that is incredibly
important with your team to a know their
personality matrix so I know everyone on
my team their personality matrix and
also how they like to receive feedback
and how they like to brainstorm so for
example let's say that I have an idea
and I want to do a big brainstorming
session I like to brainstorm out loud
but I know that to my team members do
not so they might say to me if we're in
a big brainstorming session I'm like any
ideas any ideas and it's like crickets
they would say to me and they would have
complete permission to do so hey Vanessa
would there be any way that you could
write down these ideas give us about a
week to kind of prepare something and
then we could get back together next
Friday I'm not really ready to
brainstorm right now instead of having a
really lame drawn-out 50-minute session
work no one's really throwing around any
ideas so it's a much faster way to speak
to our natural orientations in the
workplace or on our team talk to me
about identifying primary values and
what they are so that you know how to
better deal with people yeah so I I was
always fascinated by motivation in the
workplace especially how do you motivate
a partner how do you motivate a
colleague how do you appeal to their
interests I talk about this in the book
a little bit I always thought that with
colleagues the biggest motivation was
money right salary perks bonuses I
thought that was sort of most the reason
why you work you hopefully work for a
little bit of passion as well but you're
getting sort of trying to pay the bills
and so I had one of my employees who was
doing an amazing job and I was like you
know what I'm gonna give her a raise and
a bonus she's been doing such a good job
so I it was I had to move around some
things budget wise but I really wanted
to show her how appreciative I was we
get together and
I say I'm so excited I mean I would love
to give you a raise and a bonus and she
was like thanks I was like that's it
that's all and then I discovered this
research on resource theory and so
resource theory says that every
interaction every relationship is a
transaction I know that sounds really
terrible but actually it's a very honest
very radically honest way of think of
looking at relationships and there are
six different resources that we all give
and take these are different in the love
languages
this is resources one of them is money
and that's the one that we think about a
lot we talk about it a lot but what I
found out is this particular employee
her primary value was actually status
you find that out so when I when I
realized she was sort of Cheryl kind of
like a lackluster response she leads you
do the thing lackluster response you're
feeling a little something I feel
terrible
I actually feel terrible because I went
out of the way to make budget for her
and I also really wanted to thank her
for her amazing work and so when she was
like not happy I was like but you had to
read through not the lie but like she
was saying thank you yay negative
nonverbal right I was seeing so when
we're talking about nonverbal there's
either micro micro advantages or micro
negatives advantage micro advantages are
micro negatives don't give me an example
yeah so like a micro advantage is if you
ask a good question I would be like
nodding you I'd like smile I'd be like
oh that's great I'd widen my eyebrows
those are all micro advantages I'm
giving you to say I love that question
okay a micro negative this is what you
probably pick up on without realizing it
are all the things people do when they
don't like a question so maybe they lean
back maybe they make a right face maybe
they pinch their eyebrows together or
maybe they crinkle their nose up at you
they might turn their head away and bite
their nails those are all micro
negatives so I noticed that she wasn't
showing any micro advantages and a
couple of micro negatives which is the
exact opposite of what you would expect
if you just told someone that they got a
raise so I felt terrible I felt terrible
also because I was worried that she was
unhappy and did you notice it right
there
right there and then right in the moment
and now that I hopefully just taught
that to you guys I'm very curious if you
now start seeing them right away the
nice thing about a language is it
doesn't take a long time once you know
what to look for you see it all the time
though so I noticed it right away and I
was like oh okay well you know it will
be in your next month's paycheck and I'm
just so grateful thank you so much for
all your hard work I've really
appreciated your work and she's like oh
yeah it was my pleasure I love the size
people okay we're good but I felt
terrible because I was worried that she
didn't like her job because I was like
what else could be the reason what else
could be the reason I was like oh my
gosh she's thinking about quitting my my
neuroticism went crazy
my neuroticism was like she's gonna quit
she hates me she hates science people
right like I went all the way down that
route and so when I stumbled upon this
study that maybe I was looking into
motivation I was like reading a white
paper on employee engagement and
employee motivation cuz I was worried
about losing her I found that this
resource theory and I was like wait a
minute
status and I started to think back to
the times which she showed a lot of
micro advantages and one of the times
was when we created an about our team
page and I put pictures of each person
on the page she was so excited she was
like oh and then they'll get a new
headshot
I can't wait like she showed me like 15
headshots she's like which one has the
best body language she was so excited
and I was like I didn't think much of it
at the time but I was like I wonder if
that status so I had a meeting with her
and I said radically honest I was like
you know I offered you a raise last
month because I'm so appreciative of
your work I don't know if that was what
you wanted is that what you wanted is
that if that if I want to show you how
grateful I am for you what way can I do
that for you here at work and she said
actually and I really have been wanting
a director role it's like great let's
talk about a director role let's get you
on a planner we look at titles so I
didn't realize that there was all these
other things like putting her name on
the website putting her in more YouTube
videos with me I didn't realize that
that was actually a huge give and so
easy for me to give because I am so
grateful for her and so for me like it
was like I was so thankful that we were
able to get very quickly very honestly
to what her value was I think this is
the big challenge is figuring out yours
and then also trying to figure out
everything
person that you work with including your
friends and family so what's interesting
though is the biggest shock for me from
your book was how I felt like I had
never categorized myself in such a
clearer way yeah so what do you do when
the person doesn't know yeah so you are
their decoder I think that is the most
fun role that we can play in life so if
you have someone who is not as
self-aware right like they they don't
know they hadn't thought about it that
way you get this amazing gift of being
able to unlock for and with them I think
and that's a lot of responsibility but I
think that is one of the most amazing
gifts we can give our fellow human
beings what I would do if I were you I
would go through the series of Arthur
Aaronson 34 questions every couple
should answer so this is a really
interesting study that this researcher
wanted to find out how we get to love
and he found that there are three
different tiers of relationships so in
the first phase of a relationship we're
just trying to figure out interests so
it's like you know do you like that I
like that - what's your hobby and
personality traits that's the first
level that's also why I built the first
level the matrix - personality the
second level are values which is why the
next levels are around appreciation
levels and values so you're trying to
figure out you know where does this
person what do they mean what do they
stand for and the last one is how you
relate to them like how they're how your
relationships can match up so he
developed a set of 34 questions to ask
to take you through all three levels
through just these questions alone so we
actually have a list of them I can send
you a list of them you can we can do
them together if you want one day and
you actually go through each of these
converse your questions and they will
take you through not only you getting to
know yourself but also them doing a self
exploratory exercise it is the most
amazing two three five hours you will
ever spend with someone going through
these questions and that's I think how
we guide someone to self know themselves
that would be amazing we should put a
link to that in the show notes that
would be really really incredible and if
you can it's it's amazing to do them all
in one session but it's a lot especially
if you have someone who's more
introverted so I think it's very
important to respect people's natural
orientations so if someone is an
introvert that means they're going to
use less words and the average
it means they're more private and it
means they like to think through their
answers before saying them extroverts
usually don't want don't need any
thinking time before they four they
share in fact they tend to verbalize out
loud so you verbalize outwardly so if
you have an introvert I would highly
recommend some the questions ahead of
time so they can think about them it's
like a nice way to respect their
personality and or doing a few at a time
I love that yes what's one thing that
people typically don't know about
themselves do you think everybody should
know about themselves actually it's
something we briefly touched on earlier
we didn't get to talk about how you
self-soothe so everyone should know two
aspects of self-soothing the first is
when you are in anxiety whether you're a
high neurotic or a low neurotic do you
like to virt do you like to worry
outward do you verbalize your worry
or do you shut down and close down so
when I am very worried I like to be
alone with my journal
look I don't want to talk to anyone I
just want like think about it myself
we're another people like to worry with
others right like they like to talk
through their worry and that makes them
feel calm so that's the first thing is
how do you worry do you worry alone or
do worry with others that's going to be
very important so if you're in one of
those really terrible low points we all
hit those points you know exactly which
direction need to do is it out to drinks
with friends you know do you have your
your Brigade that you call or is it home
with a journal and a big glass of wine
those are two very different paths
that's the first thing and the second
thing is how can the people in your life
help you self sooth I think that I don't
if this might be more of a gender thing
I don't know a lot of females a lot of
women in my life
when they're very very anxious they
don't know how to ask for help
both logistically and emotionally what
do you mean how do you adjust so there's
two ways of asking for help and maybe my
women in the room will kind of this
feels familiar it used look so injury
yeah okay so when a woman is upset about
something and some men - usually there's
a logistical issue right like let's say
that it's in-laws coming for the weekend
and they get very stressed out there's
logistical issues but there's also
emotional issues they are different
they're very different in law example so
they're coming that's not adjusted
the emotional is break it down even more
more closely so logistical gotta get the
guest room ready got to do all the
sheets got it from the towel it's got to
clean the house so my father-in-law
doesn't critique it okay those are those
are logistical were able to think about
once he starts critiquing and they're
already in the house yeah but I'm with
you yeah yeah and women are all thinking
about that way ahead of times yeah and
then the for emotional worries might be
how to make sure that they actually like
the house how to make sure that we're
all gonna get along this weekend how to
make sure that we bring up that issue
about health that we really need to talk
about and how do we make sure that we
actually have a relaxing weekend and
it's actually a good time okay those are
eight issues that usually come up around
every video there's all different issues
but there are totally different ways
that we self-soothe so logistical how do
you who do you ask for help and how do
you ask for help right like is it going
to your husband or your kids or your
best friend and for emotional issues do
you want to sort of take a few moments
take a few hours meditate do your thing
go for a run you know eat really healthy
that day to get yourself in the right
mind space or do you want to go out with
friends have a really blow out night and
like kind of work out all your anxiety
before they come if you don't know that
you are going to set yourself up for
failure and you're also setting up the
people in your life for failure so the
biggest mistake that I think couples
fight about they have the same fights
over and over again is they need to ask
for help but they have no idea how to
ask for it and by the way if you don't
go through this that's how you get
complete breakdowns because they've been
just bottling it out they don't know
where to go right and that's how you get
someone who's like yelling and running
around before everyone shows up to try
to get things fixed when actually
they're really worried about the
emotional and the questions that you
just walked us through or the questions
they should be asking themselves yes so
it's very specifically whatever it is
and you do this when you're in a point
of calm right not when you're already in
the worry so how do I worry right do I
worry out loud do I worry by myself who
can help me and how can they help and
what are the differences between my
emotional and logistical worries because
they are different I mean if we know
that about ourselves we can then ask for
help in better ways and it sets up
everyone in our life
for much more harmonious relationships
yeah that's fantastic so most of what
we've talked about today is in your book
just amazing read this book but there's
one thing that I've heard you mentioned
which is a two-year study of doing that
happiness which you didn't talk about in
the book yeah do you have any nuggets
that you're ready to talk about yes so I
have been researching happiness for a
long time and that is because I have
always been intrigued by my own
happiness levels and I felt like I
always had a base point like I always
felt like you know I was sort of out of
set point in which I couldn't go two
points above or two points below that
set point and I wanted to know if there
was ways to hack happiness so we've been
studying happiness for the past two or
three years at our lab so I mean the
most important thing that I have learned
so far and I'm gonna put out more
research on this is this idea of learned
helplessness so there's this horrible
study it was done by Martin Seligman
it's a horrible can I share it yeah okay
well okay yeah so this study looked up
dogs and it put the dogs into a cage
with a mat that just very lightly
shocked them and so the dogs would get
on the mat and it would kind of shock
them very unpleasant experience they put
them in these cages with these shocking
mats and then they changed the cage so
there was a space next to the mat the
dog could move off the mat problem is
the dogs had been on the shocking mat
for a long time just gave up they never
went off the mat in fact they just sat
and took the shocks even though they
could move off the mat whereas the dogs
that didn't ever see them out before
immediately jumped off the mat I went to
the place that didn't get the shocks the
idea of this is that we end up learning
about our helplessness so when it comes
to happiness we might have learned a
pattern in college or in childhood or in
our 20s or when we were broke when we
were out of a job or whatever that was
and because even though the mats not
there anymore even though the shocks
aren't there anymore
we stay in the same position because
that's how we've always learned to be
and so when it comes to happiness
way more than personality way more than
decoding people I think that we can
absolutely change our entire happiness
orientation I think we can unlearn our
helplessness to learn to help ourselves
that sounds amazing when are you going
to start putting stuff out on that so I
have one course on that already it's
called
of happiness and it's like a it's ten
different steps that we've just started
learning about but I will give you one
just to start off with right now and
it's this it's call I call the skill the
chart of happiness so we end up thinking
that happiness comes with the big
vacation once a year or the big blowout
of things once every month we don't
realize that actually happiness comes in
these very very small moments every day
and actually that is those that happens
moments we have to savor
so that highly recommends for the next
few days sit down and make a chart of
everything that you do in your life down
to making a steaming hot cup of coffee
down to going for a run down to doing
laundry and then I want you to rank each
of those things on how happy they make
you and I don't mean like happiness like
euphoric I mean like happiness like
content with your life like I am content
doing this and this sounds crazy but
even like laundry or cooking something
we often think of as a chore can provide
a certain amount of contentedness if you
look at that look at it that way so we
to rate all of those skills and then I
want you to count up the number of hours
you spend on each of those skills every
day what you'll end up finding as you
end up doing what I call happy math
happy math is basically looking at the
fact that we end up spending the
majority of our week you know 90% of our
week doing tasks that rank as a one or
two or three not very happy on the happy
scale and we end up having these really
small once a week moments where we're
actually happy but really there are
these small little moments it's it's
having that amazing cup of coffee or
taking in your view from your window or
whatever these little small things those
minutes add up and I think it's about
slowly hacking how can you add in more
and more of those minutes here's another
kind of tip on the happiness stuff that
I just realized would be a really easy
one to try so other eye contact are
these little moments of happiness
there's also these little moments of
unhappiness but as humans we cannot help
but infect our entire life so you know
how when you're sitting at a red light
and you literally question your entire
existence about anyone that ever
happened anything yeah so you know
you're sitting in a red light and you're
like why do I sit in traffic why do I
Drive to work why do I do what I work
white am I doing this maybe
quit my job maybe I should move to
Hawaii maybe I should have a car like
that's like what happens you know so one
of the hacks that I have found works
really well is taking those small
moments and turning them into what I
call gratitude totems so a totem is like
a symbol or something to remind you of
something so I have a red light by my
house that I get stopped at every single
day it doesn't even matter what time of
day and I used to yell at this red light
I would curse at it and then I realized
wait a minute like this light causes me
so much unhappiness I have such a hard
time being grateful like every open
magazine ever says be more grateful who
has time to be grateful right like no
one has time to do that but now I have
time so whenever I am stopped at that
red light for the entire red light I
think about every single thing I'm
grateful for and now I get upset if I do
not hit it because I know that every
time pull up to that red light I have a
minute and a half just think about all
the things I'm grateful for check I got
my gratitude off I feel nice and good I
flipped a very unhappy moment for me
that makes me question driving and cars
and my life and turn it into something
that actually makes me very appreciative
that is brilliant
yeah all right where can these guys find
you online everything is at science at
people.com
so that's our lab and we do experiments
come play in our in our lab we always
have experiments running we love for
people to I think right now we're doing
a vocal power quiz I know yeah I'm not
gonna tell you what it is but you have
to go check it out it's very cool and we
are just very appreciative for all of
your support and comments so if you have
any feedback let me know awesome and
last question what is the impact that
you want to have on the world I want to
wake people up I think that my entire
job is to try to get people out of zom
being through social interactions I
think a lot of the times we have
conversations on autopilot we interact
with people on social scripts and so my
one goal the impact I wish I could have
is to wake people up out of their social
interactions so they actually have
quality conversations and quality
interactions and not just quantity it's
amazing
Vanessa thank you so thank you guys let
me tell you this is
somebody that you were going to want to
dive deeply into like I said earlier
when I started the book I was doing it
to make sure that I understood the
content so that I could come on and do a
great interview and it so carried me
away I'd literally want to say captivate
there but that's it is literally
captivating a book about becoming
captivating will arrest you it will stop
you because every bit of it and I felt
like the book was trying to teach me a
lot about other people but it was
teaching me so much about myself and I
am somebody that obsessively thinks
about self-awareness and where I'm at
what I understand about myself and my
natural impulses and what can be
overcome and what's not worth fighting
and this book
broke everything down and made it all so
easy to understand and if you really
want to have a good time drop her name
into YouTube and just watch the videos
one after the other after the other it
is the closest thing to being able to
literally just let something autoplay
every video that it selects that I've
ever come across
she is so good at explaining these
incredibly useful ways that humans are
you will find it infinitely useful in
all of the relationships in your life it
is gonna make you better it is gonna
make your relationships better it isn't
saying I can't recommend it enough
so please guys dive into that one and
this is a weekly show so if you haven't
already be sure to subscribe and until
next time my friends you guys enjoy
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