hi guys okay hi internet and YouTube I want I want to talk a little bit about
like I've had more memories come back again and it's not like they were ever
completely gone but it's almost like I don't know
well it's re it's kind of repressed memories you know in a sense of you know
keeping it all inside or don't talk about this stuff and and it's kind of
it's just the environment and the timeframe and related to how it
oppresses women and women from talking even and and I guess the you know one of
the things that I think about is there was quite a few times I was having a
hard time and I call up you know I was living in California by myself I didn't
have any family out there and I was having a really really hard time and you
know it's like you know you only have so much you know if you go to group therapy
and the group the group therapy was it was nice and it was kind of fun because
I was just around other people my own age and they had different issues and
things like that and but you know the thing is it's like there comes a point
that it ends too and so you know it's like I remember you know calling up my
dad and trying to talk to him you know oh it wasn't long after my baby died
there was an incident on Fort Ord and I was doing some volunteer work I had my
kids with me it was just delivering welcome packets and my kid they were in
the car seat but they jumped over the the front seat and I think my son was 2
3 something like that and and so anyway we were parked on this hill and then
anyway he's playing with the steering wheel and then the car goes down the
hill and smashes into the back of another car and so I thought that they
were I mean I thought they were dead actually
but fortunately and thankfully nothing was wrong with them but I didn't know
the only thing I knew is my ex-husband well he was my husband at the time but
he said don't use the emergency brake because it's broken and but he didn't
tell me the park pin was broken but in that instance then I lost my license for
a year and that wasn't long after my son had died he died in July of 29th of 1986
and this happened in October of 1986 on Fort Ord California and then then the
the thing is it's like he got cited my ex-husband got cited with failure to
control your spouse and so that's how the military did things failure to
control your spouse and and we didn't have insurance even you know because
everything was really extensive and and so we didn't even have insurance on the
car I mean because we had no money we were broke and so anyway but in the
timeframe you know it's like after that it's like I just was devastated because
it's like then I'm you know he's gone to go into the field and stuff
I have no be around no way to get anywhere I have no driver's license I
can't drive and I call it my dad try talking to him and he's like oh well
just keep a stiff upper lip you know that's you in stop crying
keep a stiff upper lip you know and and so I was I was 23 at the time and and so
then let's fast-forward a little bit to the Gulf War after the Gulf War that war
is over in 1991 and and so you know he my ex-husband
comes back he comes back from the Gulf War and so we're pcsing back to USA, visit to Iowa and
I was glad to be leaving you know I mean because you know jerk it was like the
everything going on you know the only thing we had at that time was the Armed
Forces Network and CNN as far as TV and a connection goes and like it's like it
kind of reminds me now a little bit you know as far as the rhetoric and
everything and we were told to stop watching CNN you know they told us don't
watch it don't watch it you know because I think they knew some well I'm sure
they knew no doubt about it because I think the military must have had a
contract with CNN because you know with CNN I mean we know it's public
information they use psychological warfare and then they use paid generals
to actually speak on behalf well they're paid to speak on behalf of an issue but
yet we're not told that they're actually paid to speak on behalf of an issue and
so anyway we fly back to the United States go and we go to my parents house
and anyway there's an incident where my ex-husband is like really upset about
something he's in the other room and I was in the kitchen and I both my parents
worked at the time but we're staying with them for a little bit and my
ex-husband he puts his hand on my infant son it was after he was born he was only
about six weeks old and he puts his hand apparently on his neck and my oldest son
he saw that as him trying to choke him that's what he told my dad he didn't
tell me he told my dad that he tried to choke him and so my son and my daughter
I think she saw the same thing and and so anyway my dad okay instantly he takes
the next day off of work to spend time with my ex-husband he takes him fishing
or something like that and so but I didn't realize you know the everything
that they were putting on the media you know like when they were doing the thing
that soldiers are heroes and all this stuff and this campaign to make them
look good and so it so it's just like there's this um there's this emphasis of
of it's like why didn't he tell him to keep a stiff upper lip you know or or
listen to me like let's go back to 1982 when my daughter was born and and my
ex-husband he he took him threw her across the couch because she was crying
and what happened was he had this beard on she hated the beard and he went to
pick her up and she just started crying and he got mad and threw her across the
couch but yet nobody wanted to listen to me it was like that but yet there's this
higher emphasis on men than there is on women and and you know it's really
disgusting you know I see it as disgusting because
because it's like then when we speak out the men want to call us crazy or
mentally ill they want to put all these labels on us when we speak out and talk
about things and to me it's just kind of a form of
oppression you know so if we don't speak out or keep it inside it was kind of
like with everything keeping it inside and not talking about it and that kind
of goes you know with the the therapy and you know when I went to the I've
told you guys this so after my did I say even earlier in this video possibly I
went to group therapy after my son died and you know they talk about well don't
talk about anything I think they do that with Alcoholics Anonymous - don't talk
about anything you know that's in this group session you know and I know
they're trying to get people to be able to feel comfortable talking but you know
and and but at the same time you know it's like then you have this thing of
family who doesn't even want to listen to you and I'm not saying that all
family is that way but you know that then it puts this emphasis on well we'll
go somewhere else go here go there so it becomes the friends and family referral
program for mental illness like oh you're mentally ill or you need to go
see a therapist it's like I don't have therapist money to go see a therapist I
just don't and I don't think it would do any any good to go see a therapist I
won't mind being around other people who you know maybe who have similar things
or whatever you know because I know talking is good but then at the same
time it's like then you still have family pretending that everything is
good in your family when it's not and that and that's my life story of my
family pretending that everything is good when
it never was that's that's the sucky part of the whole thing
pretending that everything is good when it's not
and and you know and I guess that's been sort of my I guess sort of my issues
when it comes to you know there's a lot of people who they say that they make
sure their family is taken care of and that they're there to help them and you
know even when I lived in Germany the extended German families they had their
their parents well they had three-story houses and
their family lived in the house you know they they took care of their parents
they all work together then the grandparents would have an apartment
upstairs and would babysit and then the parents went to work and so it's like
they they seem to be more family oriented than here in America
that that was kind of the thing that I was seeing even with that and but yet
then we have this thing like on TV you know or or even with the military
coached you know regarding their opsec don't talk about this and don't
talk about that you don't want to put your soldiers life and in danger and you
know I mean they coach that heavily on the spouses you know and and and so I
mean there's just a lot of rhetoric and then they even put that on the TV too
and that's the same thing like with Trump when he talks about well we're not
gonna tell anybody what's going on and it's like well it seems more of it to me
now that it's related to business issues you know related to business because you
know when you have medical involved the medical is heavily involved with the
military so so why do things related to medical and the military have to be
classified unless they're doing something wrong that's what I'm curious
about why does it have to be classified or why do does does technology have to
be classified unless they're doing something wrong or creating something
that's harmful for the American public that's the only thing that I'm asking is
why and so then they put this rhetoric on TV
and and they like make men you know it's like rhetoric to put men higher than
women and it's kind of similar to how the Bible was and how how church was
placing this higher emphasis on men than women and I you know and I'm kind of
thinking I think that's the systemic problem in this country is placing a
higher emphasis on men than women how about equality that's what I would
like to see is equality and and you know and and one other thing that I'm
thinking is is that a lot of people are nice and don't want to talk about things
because they don't want to hurt people's feelings but at the same time what
happens to your own feelings you know I know what happens to me and I kept
everything inside you know because it's that manipulative narcissistic thing is
is well don't say that you know you're not gonna tell anybody about this are
you and you know we don't want the family dirty secrets out on us you know
and but yet so you know so so they're still you know it's kind of like that
thumb is still over you by not talking about it so actually by talking about it
you kind of lift the veil and and you know you just lift the veil by talking
about things and you release that control that someone else had over you
that's a mental block I mental blockade and you know but by talking about things
and not keeping it inside anymore because because you know it's like
you're harming yourself more by not talking about things then you are that
other person they're gonna they'll get over it and if they don't they don't
that's their problem not yours and and you know so yeah you know it's
like there's a lot of questions and a lot of things conversations and things I
would have liked to have but but it's like you know with my family but it was
kind of like well we need to always put on this front that everything is okay
everything is happy when it's not you know it's it's just like it was just
like they did such a good job advertising on TV that people were
trying to emulate something realistic that wasn't real I mean this was the
town I grew up in they were they were trying to emulate something that wasn't
real the town of 601 people they were trying to emulate something that was not
real and it's just like it's a big joke you know it's a big joke you know it's
not real and but yet you know the happy family and and so they just showed one
side people try to emulate that and then kids get hurt
the kids get hurt a lot not just a little a lot and and and and it's kind
of like that stronghold you know like when they talked about the residential
schools the Catholic schools and things like that you know its conducts
conditioning and and teaching people how to be a certain way and that's inbred
into a person for the rest of their life it's ingrained into their being and you
know it's it's it's like an invisible invisible barrier in your brain and yeah
it makes sense when people will say well you know you didn't do that before why
are you doing it now what will the invisible barrier in your brain is
lifting then that's what's happening to me I'm letting it lift I want it to lift
you know and you know so if someone gets pissed they can be pissed I don't care
that's their problem not mine you know so if I want to say something you know
and even even if I'm saying it in a respectful polite manner if somebody
else gets pissed about it that's their problem not mine
you know if someone doesn't like how I look that's their problem not mine I'm
not I'm not participating in a false fake front anymore of what and how we're
supposed to be and that we're supposed to pretend everything is okay when it's
not because for me that's like what what about my mental well-being you know I
mean in in a lot of senses I feel like because of how this was done because of
church because of school because of rhetoric from the TV because of rhetoric
put into businesses that's like I feel like I have a form of PTSD my own self
you know granted you know I lost a child a lot of people have lost kids I
understand that you know so it's a part of life but at the same time the trauma
from the whatever the system was that they were doing to us and I'll be quiet
don't say anything don't talk about anything that's that's the damaging part
you know the lack of critical thinking that's the damaging part you know so but
yeah I think that's I think that's it for right now so thank you Internet and
thank you guys thank you YouTube for letting me vent again because the more I
talk the better I feel mentally and if people think I'm crazy I don't care
I really don't at this point you know I do have a lot of back pain though but I
don't know what's going on there that's something else I think there's some
pollution and stuff here but something going on here but that nobody's talking
about or something's happened some that anyway that's for another video
we'll keep plugging away and trying to figure that one out but I want to thank
you guys so much for watching please thumbs up this video share it with your
friends thank you new subscribers thank you old subscribers I'll see you soon
peace love and avocados you guys
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