CS: Look, I don't care how wink-winkish this movie is, there's no way Dana would be prancing
around in her panties within full view of the neighborhood, and with the fucking window
open.
BOB: CinemaSins should probably care how wink-winkish this movie is since that's a large part
of what it's trying to do - women being scantily clad for no discernable reason other
than eye candy is a weirdly large part of American horror films.
It's almost like CinemaSins only pretend to understand horror tropes so they can claim
they "get" Cabin in the Woods.
JULES: -and if Holden is as cute as Curt says he is-
CS: Wow, this movie broke the Bechdel test twice in 30 seconds!
That's a failed Bechdel test inside a failed Bechdel test.
Which is like... shit, it's still 2 Bechdel tests.
BOB: The Bechdel-Wallace test is one test for a whole movie - it can only be passed
or failed once.
And FYI - Cabin in the Woods passes it.
MARTY: A giant bong in your father's van?
What are you - stoned?
CS: Why do these people hang out with Marty?
This is a mix of people that walked out of the J. Crew catalog, but they pal around with
one super hippie guy that's high all the time?
BOB: Right, because it's unrealistic for people to have friends.
MAN: The nest is empty.
We're right on time.
CS: How long has this asshole been on the roof?
BOB: Probably a while?
Does CinemaSins get similarly confused when they watch stakeouts in cop shows?
CS: What if they'd left from Curt's house?
BOB: Well there's a satellite tracking the van that would probably tip them off as to
where the van is.
CS: And why didn't they leave from Curt's house, considering it's his van?
BOB: Maybe because the girls were closer to the cabin than Curt, Holden and Marty were.
Or maybe because Curt wanted to pick up his girlfriend and they made plans around that.
Does it really matter?
Can we quit it with the needless questions now?
Please?
No?
OK fine, if that's the case then I'll have you know the van isn't Curt's - it's
his father's.
MARTY: A giant bong in your father's van?
BOB: There.
Now we're both awful.
CS: This "closed" sign makes me think maybe this place is closed.
BOB: The creepy gas station attendant made me think something similar.
MORDECAI: Sign says closed.
BOB: But yeah, good catch finding that sign.
Makes me wonder if the movie, as previously pointed out as subverting horror tropes, is
subverting the horror trope of teens doing dumb stuff like wandering where they're
not supposed to.
Or maybe the movie's having fun with the creepy gas station attendant/harbinger trope
- a person who raises some red flags but the main characters don't pay attention.
Or maybe - just maybe - it's all of that stuff.
I dunno, that's kinda crazy.
CS: Sudden CGI eagle of suddenness!
Dead only for us, the audience.
A real eagle would've sniffed out the danger and flown far away from this bullshit, but
whatever.
BOB: Eagles and birds in general are known to fly straight into windows, let alone invisible
walls.
It's a thing.
Not sure where this "birds can sniff out danger" stuff is coming from.
Criticizing something for not being realistic would work a little better if CinemaSins had
at least a tiny grasp on reality.
And if they're making fun of bad CGI, I'm surprised CinemaSins missed the exceptionally
wonky CGRV in the background of this scene.
CS: Also, this is one of the few missteps this movie makes.
Showing us this electronic invisible security grid right now is dumb.
We've got plenty of evidence something is funky from the cuts to Bradley Whitford and
Richard Jenkins.
And this undercuts the potential shock of the later scene when the elder Hemsworth motorcycles
himself into the grid and dies a hilarious and shocking death.
BOB: If the eagle flying into the invisible force field wasn't there, cinemasins would
criticize the scene where Curt slams into that field because it would come out of nowhere.
This is a classic setup/payoff - the bird crashing scene is the setup of the force field,
and Curt slamming into it later is the payoff.
CS: Why did they need a camper to drive out to the cabin?
It's clearly less than a day's drive, and the cabin is where they're all sleeping.
They could've all fit into Marty's Volvo and saved on gas.
BOB: They could technically fit into Marty's car but 1.
That wouldn't be nearly as comfortable considering all the luggage, 2.
It's Curt's dad's RV so it's readily available, 3.
They haven't been to this cabin before so if it turns out to not be to their liking
they can sleep in the RV
JULES: One spider and I'm sleeping in the rambler.
BOB: And 4.
Marty's car doesn't have a bike rack on it for Curt's motorcycle.
WENDY: Guess how we're slowing down cognition?
The hair dye.
SITTERSON: Dumb blonde.
Very artistic.
WENDY: It works its way into the blood through the scalp.
CS: Or you could spend much less time and money recruiting dumber kids.
There are literally millions of horny, athletic, bookish, drunk, and virginal teenagers out
there, but they had to pick the ones that are academic all-stars?
BOB: The movie is satirizing the dumb blonde trope in horror.
The audience is being let in on the joke that this is a self-conscious horror film.
And as far as the "just getting dumb kids" goes, that negates the entire premise of the
film - where horror is being manufactured for the ancient ones - aka the audience's
- entertainment.
Like how Hollywood takes horror film characters and shoves them into predetermined templates.
If the kids were already dumb, smart, funny and athletic then that muddies the point about
this situation being manufactured.
MORDECAI: The lambs have passed through the gate.
They are come to the killing floor.
CS: So wait...
This is a professional settings where people in lab coats construct horror scenarios, but
this guy is an actual horror movie nutjob?
BOB: Mordecai, the gas station attendant, is acting.
He has a role to play just like the sacrifices do - that of "The Harbinger", the person
who warns the sacrifices of danger and is ignored.
Mordecai takes his role very seriously, like a method actor.
This is made into a joke in the very scene Cinema Sins is showing for this sin, where
Mordecai drops his act momentarily.
MORDECAI: Their blind eyes see nothing of the horrors to come.
Their ears are stopped.
They are the God's fools.
HADLEY: Well... that's... how it works.
MORDECAI: Cleanse them.
Cleanse the world of their ignorance and sin.
Bathe them in the crimson of-
Am I on speakerphone?
HADLEY: ...No!
Absolutely not.
Speakerphone?
No.
No I wouldn't do that.
MORDECAI: Yes I am.
I can hear the echo.
CS: Ronald's an intern, so it's odd that he would know what maintenance picks every year.
How long has he been an intern?
BOB: That's the joke - that the organization that conducts ritual sacrifices is also taking
advantage of its interns like Ronald by keeping them on for at least a few years without hiring
them.
WOMAN: Do you know if we get overtime bonus on this one?
MAN: Accounting's over there.
Ask them.
WOMAN: Eh, I don't need to.
I already know the answer- RONALD: I'm an intern.
So I don't qualify for O.T...
WENDY: Seems a little harsh, doesn't it?
It's just people letting off steam.
CS: No, it's gambling casually on actual human deaths.
BOB: Again, that's the joke - the organization is heartless and likes money.
Like Hollywood.
Do you get it now.
SITTERSON: Yeah we rig the game as much as we need to, but in the end...
They don't transgress-
HADLEY: They can't be punished.
CS: This is still a weird system.
If they need the victims to make the wrong choice, or it doesn't count, then how about
all the other manipulations that led them to that wrong choice?
They basically change these people through chemicals and shit, so how does that not factor
into it?
BOB: I'm not Joss Whedon or Drew Goddard but I'd wager the reason the system involved
in getting these sacrificial kids to make stupid decisions might seem "weird" to
people due to the horror film metaphor.
Horror films, particularly slashers, involve kids making stupid decisions simply to get
someone killed or further the plot.
The writers, in this case the organization, the engineers of the situation, don't particularly
care why the teens make stupid decisions, just that stupid decisions are made.
If no stupid decisions were made, the movie wouldn't exist.
Or, in other words:
SITTERSON: They don't transgress-
HADLEY: They can't be punished.
[MUSIC and LAUGHTER]
CS: Please enjoy this music while the camera follows this girl's ass through the cabin.
BOB: Please enjoy this pointless observation disguised as a "sin" while I pad my video
and take advantage of YouTube's recommendation algorithm that rewards longer videos.
MARTY: I dare you to make out with that wolf.
CS: This is the first dare out of the gate.
They just fucking started this game and this stoned motherfucker dials up the dares to
11 right off the bat.
BOB: This isn't the first dare.
Marty says:
MARTY: Okay, my turn!
BOB: Meaning the teens have been playing this game before we cut back to the cabin.
CURT: The wind must've blown it open.
CS: Because that's a thing that happens.
MARTY: That makes what kind of sense?
CS: Ah, spoke too soon.
But also stoner guy would be excellent at CinemaSins.
BOB: No he wouldn't - Marty's perceptive and smart.
He doesn't strike me as the kind of person to screw up roman numerals or say something
as mind-bogglingly stupid as "there's no gravity in space".
HOLDEN: Your cousin is into some weird shit.
CS: Like collecting memorabilia from old Tom Hanks movies.
BOB: I guess easter eggs are sins now for some reason.
CS: Okay, he opens a music box, this chick takes a necklace off a mannequin, this idiot
touches some film, and this Thor motherfucker's tinkering with the sphere, but this movie
will choose this gal's diary-opening as the act that decides which evil creature will
assault these people.
BOB: No - Dana stopped everyone from doing the things that would cause their respective
monsters to come out by saying:
DANA: Guys...
Guys listen to this.
BOB: The act that causes the zombie redneck torture family to come out is after that,
when Dana reads the Latin in the diary out loud, an Evil Dead reference among Evil Dead
references.
DANA: April 4th: Father was cross with me and said I lacked the true faith.
CS: Movie reads part of the script to The Witch several years before it was written.
BOB: You could break your fingers doing all the air quotes for CinemaSins' "jokes".
DANA: I have found it.
In the oldest books - the way of saving our family.
CS: Too bad these people aren't good enough at CinemaSins, or else they would have asked
themselves why Anna Patience Buckner didn't just say this Latin phrase herself, while
she was still alive to write in a diary.
BOB: Yeah too bad these kids don't constantly ask pointless questions like CinemaSins does.
Nothing says Anna DIDN'T try to speak the Latin sentences - she might've tried and
it didn't work, causing her to write it down in the hope that someone outside her
family would read it.
CS: Thirty straight fucking seconds of zombie-rising footage that's too dark to tell what the hell
these things actually look like.
BOB: I think that's the point - if the zombie murder family were fully lit and the audience
could see every detail that wouldn't be as scary.
Also: it's nighttime.
CS: Dammit - I have to take one sin off for the movie referencing the Deadites in the
Evil Dead trilogy.
BOB: I love that CinemaSins missed multiple other Evil Dead references and only managed
to catch one that spells it out for them.
And even then they missed a reference directly above the one they caught.
SITTERSON: Yes you did, you had "Zombies" - but this is "Zombie Redneck Torture Family",
see?
They're entirely separate species.
CS: Yeah, but how do you distinguish between "witches" and "sexy witches"?
Isn't that a subjective thing?
Can't I get a boner for the ugly witch too?
BOB: The point of this scene is that the distinction between a "Zombie" and a "Zombie Redneck Torture
Family" is silly and arbitrary, like the distinction between witches and sexy witches.
That's the joke.
CS: Looking at this board, how the hell were they supposed to choose half the things written
here while they were in the cellar?
BOB: According to the official visual companion for Cabin in the Woods, "Every item in that
cellar had a story behind it and the ability to conjure up another monster or creature,
even if it's not mentioned or seen in the film."
Fans on the Cabin in the Woods wiki have even gone through the basement scenes and matched
specific artifacts in the film to the potential monsters we see on the betting board - and
a few of them were confirmed by Drew Goddard, like that fortune teller machine summoning
the clowns and the film strip summoning kevin.
While talking about the basement artifacts with thedailybeast, Goddard also said: "This
is the sort of thing no one would ever notice unless they pause the DVD.
But we wanted to make sure that everything in the third act lined up with what was in
the cellar, so you could understand the internal logic".
It's sad CinemaSins dismisses that internal logic despite the film going above and beyond
to address it, but that's par for the course with Everything Wrong With videos.
CinemaSins routinely negates the internal logic of films for cheap laughs or quick nitpicks.
WENDY: Everything in our stable is remnant of the old world.
CS: Thank God we have this newbie on the team so we can get some proper expositin'.
BOB: Otherwise we would either not know what's going on, or know significantly less.
How is that a bad thing?
WENDY: You get used to it.
TRUMAN: Should you?
CS: Overly ethical guy is in the wrong job.
BOB: Overly ethical guy is a stand-in for the audience and in this scene acts a criticism
of why we watch so many horror films in the first place.
SITTERSON: We need the Japanese crew to get it done.
CS: This shot of the ghosts in Japan is goddamn hilarious, and I'm tempted to remove a sin,
but the fact that The Director needs an athlete, a whore, and a fool in addition to a scholar
and a virgin for a proper sacrifice makes this grade-school setting definitely sinful.
BOB: Here CinemaSins reveals just how little they understand the central concept of Cabin
in the Woods.
The majority of this movie is dedicated to mocking American horror films since the events
take place in the U.S. - but the scene CinemaSins is commenting on here is referencing Japanese
horror.
The American tropes at play are the ones seen in American-style horror films like teen horror
and slashers - that's where the 5 character archetypes come into play, along with the
types of monsters being summoned.
But J-Horror operates on a different set of tropes that are being referenced in this shot
- a ghost girl with long black hair and white clothes being especially prominent in Japanese
horror films.
So the American tropes wouldn't come into play for the Japanese team.
The Director says as much at the end of the film:
DIRECTOR: It's different in every culture.
CS: They came up from the basement and this girl was still so sexed up she did a twerk
dance in front of the fire.
And everyone forgot the basement full of freaky shit, some of which they touched.
Though, to be fair, were I witness to this particular fireplace dance, I also would have
forgotten my entire life up until that moment.
BOB: I'd tell CinemaSins that this scene is actually a reference to the original Wicker
Man if I wasn't 99% sure they'd jerk off to it.
JEREMY: Ooooh.
This movie would not receive very many sins.
This is a particularly interesting place that I've paused it at.
Just FYI.
Oh!
Those are actual boobs.
Oh!
There's more!
God- Oh there's more!
Ohhhh shit... that's a sex scene...
MARTY: He's on full academic scholarship and now he's calling his friend an "egghead"?
CS: We got the explanation about the "dumbing Jules down" from the hair dye, but what's
Curt's excuse for suddenly turning into a Neanderthal?
BOB: I'd wager they pumped in pheromones to change Curt into a sex-crazed meathead
because we see them doing that exact thing later.
It's not that big of a leap to make but of course CinemaSins wants everything spelled
out for them.
HOLDEN: "The pain outlives the flesh..."
CS: Holy shit, they brought that thing back upstairs with them?
Fucking why?
BOB: To read it.
DANA: What is that?
HOLDEN: The Latin... that you, um... read.
In the basement-
DANA: You speak Latin?
CS: Wait a minute.
When Dana read that Latin thing a minute ago, she said it was "nothing," like she knew what
it meant before she read it, assuming it was gibberish.
Now we find out she doesn't know Latin at all, so why the fuck did she think it was
nothing?
BOB: It's almost like Dana's changing into less of a book-smart person and Holden's
becoming one.
Like some kind of..
I dunno, "Scholar" i guess.
Leave it to CinemaSins to completely miss the point of the previous scene, where Marty
flat-out tells us that everyone's changed.
MARTY: Do you seriously believe nothing weird is going on?
DANA: Conspiracy?
MARTY: The way everybody's acting.
Why is Jules suddenly a celebutard?
And since when does Curt pull this alpha male bullshit?
Y'know, I mean he's a Sociology major.
He's on full academic scholarship, and now he's calling his friend an "egghead"?
BOB: I mean for God's sake he literally says "We are not who we are"-
MARTY: We are not who we are.
BOB: Which is an X-Files reference, but still.
HADLEY: Okay baby let's see some boobies.
SITTERSON: Show us the goods.
TRUMAN: Does it really matter if we see them-
HADLEY: We're not the only ones watching, kid.
SITTERSON: Gotta keep the customer satisfied.
CS: This scene makes no sense.
As long as the Gods know that she's a "whore," that should suffice, but they make the fact
that we need to see Jules' jewels a requirement for the sacrifice.
BOB: It's weird and sad that I have to spell this out again but here goes: the Gods are
a metaphor for a horror film's audience - AKA the reason why the film exists and deciders
of whether it lives or dies at the box office.
"Keeping the customer satisfied" is referring to horror audiences expecting nudity - the
"whore" archetype is determined based on who gets nude or has sex during the horror
movie, AKA at the cabin, and not who the person was before they came to the cabin in the woods.
This is why Dana is considered a "virgin" despite not being one.
The Gods didn't "know" who the virgin was, who the whore was, or who any of the
other archetypes were until they came to the cabin.
This is why these people are being manipulated into character archetypes in the first place.
CS: Does "satisfying the customer" also mean that the zombie redneck torture family stabs
hands before they stab something more vital?
BOB: Yeah weird I wonder why the zombie family would want to inflict pain before mortal wounds.
CS: Zombie redneck torture family
BOB: Yeah so strange
CS: Redneck torture family
BOB: I'm just clueless.
CS: Torture family
BOB: Haven't the vaguest-
CS: Torture
BOB: Idea why they-
CS: Torture
BOB: Would do th-
CS: Torture
BOB: -at.
CS: Also, I suppose that "satisfying the customer" also means having a lot of quick cuts during
a dark scene so you don't know what the fuck is going on.
BOB: I'm beginning to think CinemaSins is watching this movie in a fully lit room during
the day or some other inhospitable environment for horror films.
I watched this in the theater and at home with the lights out and had no trouble telling
what was happening.
CS: How do they get the blood from the cabin grounds to the temple so quickly?
BOB: Now, this is just a personal theory of mine and I don't know if it's 100% true
but there's nothing disproving it that I can tell so here goes: I think the blood being
used to mark each of the teens' deaths is sacrificial blood - like sheep's blood - that's
stored before the ritual in vials - not the teens' blood itself.
I think this because getting the teens' blood would be nearly impossible to do in
certain cases, like if someone dies in the lake.
Do they filter out the entire lake to get the blood?
MARTY: I thought there'd be stars.
CS: This is a tipoff to him that he's not in reality-
BOB: No, the teens are still in the reality of the film's universe - it's just being
controlled.
CS: The sin is for the fact that these detail-obsessed horror-movie-making business underlings down
under never thought to put stars in the sky.
BOB: Yeah, it's almost like a movie satirizing horror films and the system that produces
them has a scene pointing out that even with a whole corporation behind a project there
can still be huge flaws.
DANA: I'm not leaving here without Jules!
CS: He just said she was dead.
BOB: No he didn't - he said she was "gone".
DANA: Where's Jules?
CURT: She's gone.
BOB: That's vague, so of course Dana wants to know what really happened to Jules for
herself.
CS: He was her boyfriend who enjoyed fucking her.
BOB:
CS: This zombie redneck torture dude bothered to carry Jules' head all the way to the cabin
- somewhat for the scares but mainly because he's an asshole.
BOB: How is this a sin?
All CinemaSins did was describe what the torture dude did.
Or maybe CinemaSins is trying to say torture dude went through extra effort to terrify
the rest of the teens, to which I'd counter by highlighting the "TORTURE" part of
torture dude's name.
CS: There's a chemical that makes you want to split up, but not stay together?
BOB: Why would the organization want a chemical that makes people stick together?
I'm starting to think CinemaSins doesn't understand the "why does everyone split
up in horror films" joke here.
CS: Also, why is Curt the only one of them that's affected by this terribly specific
decision-making gas?
BOB: All of them except Marty are affected by the gas.
That's why they agree to split up.
CURT: This isn't right - we should split up.
We can cover more ground that way.
HOLDEN: Yeah...
Yeah good idea.
CS: This outfit's surveillance gear is so tight a high-as-fuck stoner just discovered
it after knocking over a goddamn lamp!
BOB: It's explained later that the reason Marty's uncovering the truth about the cabin
is because he's high.
WENDY: Cleanup says the prep team missed one of the kid's stashes.
Whatever he's been smoking's been immunizing him to all our shit.
BOB: So being high isn't a debilitation - it's making Marty paranoid AND privy to
all the tricks the organization are pulling.
Some people would see the camera in the lamp and just say "whatever, that just looks
like an electrical wire or something", but Marty's paranoia makes him more likely to
investigate these things.
Plus, the organization has redundancies in place to deal with the sacrifices finding
stuff like cameras, which is why after this scene Hadley says:
HADLEY: Chem department I need 500 cc's of thorazine pumped into room three-
CS: He came back to life after the crowbar-stabbing, so let's stab him with a knife over and over!
God, this girl is stupid.
BOB: I don't understand calling Dana stupid when stabbing Matthew with the crowbar seemed
to incapacitate him, at least for a short while.
Stabbing him more made him stop for a longer amount of time.
CS: Also, this is the problem with monsters, even in meta-horror movies.
This zombie can't be killed, even if it's been dismembered, but for whatever reason
it stops zombie-ing after Dana knifes him in the chest a few times.
BOB: It's a reference to slasher films like Halloween, where the killer isn't stopped
by being stabbed or shot, instead becoming incapacitated for a short time.
I fail to see how it's a problem when the purpose of it's existence in this film is
satire.
Joss Whedon called Cabin in the Woods "[...] a very loving hate letter.
On some level it was [...] trying to figure out what the most fun we could have would
be.
On another level it's a serious critique of what we love and what we don't about horror
movies."
But I guess you can't showcase a silly trope in your satire movie because it's "silly".
DANA: What about Marty?
CURT: They got him.
CS: How in the everloving fuck does Curt know this?
BOB: Maybe he heard Marty screaming when he was dragged off?
MARTY: [SCREAMING LOUDLY ENOUGH FOR PEOPLE NEARBY TO HEAR HIM]
BOB: I dunno - just a guess.
CS: Why does Japan need to kill 20 innocent schoolgirls while America has to kill 5 stupid
college kids?
What's the minimum amount of death required?
BOB: The American branch of the organization only has to kill 4 of the 5 teens - the virgin
can live or die.
HADLEY: The virgin's death is optional, as long as it's last.
BOB: The rules for the Japanese branch are probably about as insane as J-horror itself.
I mean, have you seen a Japanese horror film?
CS: Also, I go back to the "satisfied customer" thing.
If they demand nudity and sex, then Japan already failed with this 9 year old schoolgirl
scenario.
BOB: This was already pointed out.
CS: This shot of the ghosts in Japan is goddamn hilarious, and I'm tempted to remove a sin,
but the fact that The Director needs an athlete, a whore, and a fool in addition to a scholar
and a virgin for a proper sacrifice makes this grade school setting definitely sinful.
BOB: I'd say i'm surprised CinemaSins are just repeating sins now but that'd be
a lie.
CS: Wherever he's racing to in order to close the tunnel, he has to go through locker rooms,
and that just feels like a total and complete failure of planning.
BOB: He's taking a shortcut, calm down
SITTERSON: That tunnel should've blown hours ago!
WORKER: Yeah well we didn't get the order!
CS: Didn't get the order?
You mean there's a scenario by which you wouldn't have caused a cave-in?
BOB: I question CinemaSins questioning a horror film satirizing horror films by pointing out
the huge mistakes Hollywood makes when they've based their entire existence on pointing out
those exact mistakes.
CS: Wouldn't this just be standard protocol to cave-in the tunnel under every circumstance?
BOB: It's implied that the tunnel being blown IS standard procedure, but the timing
for it needs to be approved.
CS: How the fuck does he know how to do that?
He just ran from his usual post and fucking hotwire someone else's shit to explode instantly.
How the fuck?
BOB: CinemaSins being blown away by someone knowing how electronics work is kind of adorable.
Do they think electricians are magicians?
CS: Also, they blew the tunnel manually, which could have ended up killing these guys on
its own, which if I'm watching this movie correctly, means they would have fucked this
whole thing up by killing them like this.
BOB: If the organization doesn't try to blow the tunnel the teens get away and the
ritual fails.
If the organization blows the tunnel at least there's a chance they won't kill the teens
and they can still go forward with the ritual.
HOLDEN: Don't hold back.
CS: He's about to jump a gorge and try to rescue everyone, and you tell him this.
Because you are a screenwriter cliche of a character.
BOB: Holden's a cliche of a character because that's the whole point of the film - pointing
out horror cliches and tropes.
He's wearing glasses now because of this.
This is literally the whole point of the movie.
The entire.
Point.
CS: This bad-ass reveal completely neutered by the previous scene of the eagle flying
into the grid and falling.
Thanks for tipping your hand super early, movie.
BOB: CinemaSins already sinned this so I'll do the same.
CS: Another thing - how are they getting the blood from these people?
And how does the blood travel from anywhere in their little horror park to the right place?
BOB: CS already sinned this too.
CS: How do they get the blood to the cabin grounds so quickly?
BOB: This is a new low for CinemaSins.
I expected wholly incorrect criticisms, boner jokes and the attention span of a gnat, but
to just see the same sins over and over really highlights the desperation of the whole operation.
HOLDEN: Okay, no matter what happens, we gotta stick-
CS: Are you telling me this asshole was just waiting back here, biding his time, looking
for a dramatic opportunity to kill this dude?
BOB: Yup.
Have CinemaSins ever seen a horror film?
TRUMAN: She's still alive.
HADLEY: The virgin's death is optional.
As long as it's last.
CS: And convenient to the plot.
BOB: Having the virgin's fate being determined last is satirizing horror film plots.
How is this "convenient to the plot" of this film?
If anything it's inconvenient, because Cabin in the Woods has to shape itself around horror
tropes that already exist, instead of creating unique situations to fit its own plot.
CS: This redneck zombie dick hasn't killed Dana yet.
Apparently he needed to work on his biceps before killing her.
BOB: TORTURE.
FAMILY.
THEY LOVE TO TORTURE.
THAT EXPLAINS THE TORTURE.
CS: Also, Marty killed Zombie Judah out of the camera view, but he still had to walk
all the way back to the dock.
So why didn't the cameras pick him up then?
BOB: Maybe the people watching the monitors were distracted for some reason.
[LOUD, DISTRACTING MUSIC PLAYS]
BOB: I dunno, just a guess.
CS: How did he ensure they'd stop in places where they could see monsters but not be killed
by them?
BOB: It didn't matter if they stayed up top or if they went down the elevator, they
were in danger either way.
MARTY: Where else are we gonna go?
CS: This is basically a haunted elevator ride, but how are they moving this thing after it
started in the grave?
BOB: It's probably an automated system for returning the previously released monsters
back into storage.
CS: And what exactly keeps this ghost behind the glass again?
BOB: I like how CinemaSins questions the glass the ghost can't pass through and not the
ghost itself.
DANA: They made us choose how we die.
CS: Except you two, of course, who have managed to sneak into the actual facility controlling
all this.
You're going to die by completely different means, I'm guessing.
Now that you've infiltrated the compound and broken the sacrificial death model.
BOB: How is this a sin at all?
Cinemasins is just explaining the movie here.
CS: Nice shot, but this method of monster storage seems way too complex and impossible
for any kind of efficiency.
BOB: This storage system is a reference to Cube and is the catalyst for one of the greatest
scenes in modern horror films but y'know, whatever, it looks kinda silly.
"Ding" i guess.
DIRECTOR: You shouldn't be here.
This should've gone differently.
CS: Whoever's voice this is seriously thinks this situation is a talking-to away from being
contained.
BOB: That's The Director, AKA Sigourney Weaver.
If CinemaSins watched the film all the way through at least once before writing their
sins they'd know this.
CS: Dana somehow knows how to work this control board in order to unleash all of the monsters.
BOB: It's not implied that Dana knows how to work the control board for the containment
cubes.
And I don't think anyone needs a lesson on "How to hit a Giant Red Button".
CS: [AWKWARD GASPING]
BOB: The hell is that weird sound coming out of CinemaSins' mouth.
CS: Also, this is a great shot, but there's no fucking way that snake could've fit in
that elevator car.
BOB: Here is a shot of that snake fitting in that elevator car.
TRUMAN: Requesting immediate reinforcements.
Code Black.
CS: Truman saw Black Widow fruitlessly cock her gun against non-gunnable opponents in
The Avengers and was compelled to get in on that sweet, useless gun-cockin' action.
BOB: Black widow hate number...
[PAPER RUSTLING]
Uh...
A lot.
BOB: Marty kills a zombie with a gun later so not all of the monsters are "non-gunnable'
or whatever CinemaSins' dumb joke word was.
CS: Marty and Dana get out of the control room, but this is monster central because
the elevators keep taking monsters here - yet, there's only a few obstacles for them when
they run out, making their escape too easy.
BOB: The control room WAS monster central when the monsters were first released, but
now they're rampaging the entire facility.
They're not all at the control room anymore.
CS: Are you afraid of unicorns?
You will be.
BOB: Shut up shut the hell up
CS: The one redeemable character working at this place unceremoniously dies, despite the
fact that he was the only one who seemed to have a conscience.
And yeah, sure, he blows up these zombies real good, but what a lame ending for this
character.
BOB: Who the hell thinks sacrificing yourself in a bloody explosion is "lame"?
DIRECTOR: The virgin.
DANA: Virgin?
DIRECTOR: We work with what we have.
CS: If we're supposedly sating a bunch of demons known as the "Ancient Ones," they certainly
would know whether or not someone's a virgin, right?
Why are they so easily fooled by appearances?
BOB: Again - the ancient ones are a metaphor for the audience, and appearances are all
an audience has to go by.
It doesn't matter who a person was or if they were a virgin before the ritual - all
that matters are their actions during the ritual, AKA the horror movie.
If a character acts like a virgin during the ritual, the audience will assume that is the
case even if it isn't.
This is why Dana has this interaction with Holden:
DANA: I don't wanna...
I mean, I've never...
I don't mean "never".
BOB: Dana is being manipulated to act like the archetype of a horror film virgin.
CS: Also, you had two girls - one was a dedicated student in a committed relationship, and the
other just had an improper sexual tryst with her teacher, but you chose Jules to make into
a whore and Dana as the virgin?
DIRECTOR: The ancient ones.
The Gods that used to rule the Earth.
As long as they accept our sacrifice, they remain below.
CS: Yeah, but... what made them go down there in the first place?
BOB: What makes people watch horror films?
Please stop taking the metaphor literally.
CS: Also, hasn't this one also failed, though?
Considering the stoner survived and both he and the virgin made their way through the
compound into the stone ritual room?
BOB: I don't even need to ask.
CinemaSins are not watching the film at this point.
The entire premise for the third act of cabin in the woods is that the ritual can still
be completed if marty dies.
That's why Sitterson said "kill him".
SITTERSON: Kill him.
BOB: That's why the director says to marty "you can die with them, or you can die for
them."
DIRECTOR: We're talking about the agonizing death of every human soul on the planet.
Including you.
You can die with them, or you can die for them.
BOB: That's why dana pulls a gun on Marty.
Like, you can't just say whatever and pretend it's a criticism.
CS: Is the Director a supernatural being, or just a badass older lady that can fairly
easily kick a younger man's ass?
BOB: The Director is Sigourney Weaver.
The answer is both.
CS: Redneck zombie AX machina.
BOB: No.
Just no.
No.
No no no, you can't do that.
You can't combine a terrible understanding of deus ex machina with a pun.
No.
No.
No no no no no.
No.
No.
Something you probably noticed about CinemaSins' video is that they seem to have a very strange
understanding of satire and parody - and by that i mean "none at all".
Throughout their video, CinemaSins failed to understand things Cabin in the Woods was
satirizing, like:
Gratuitous Horror Film Nudity The Dumb Blonde Trope
The Harbinger Trope The Five Horror Character Archetypes
The "Let's Split Up" Trope The Organization is Hollywood and Directors/Producers
The Ancient Ones are the audience
Which is odd considering one of the first excuses CinemaSins use when defending their
videos is that they're satirizing cynical film reviewers.
CinemaSins' Jeremy himself said so on Reddit: "We're playing a character.
A know-it-all movie-obsessed nitpicking asshole."
Their fans will also use this excuse when debating the channel's merits.
But here's the rub: Cabin in the Woods deals entirely in pointing out horror and hollywood
cliches to satirize them.
It's the entire purpose of the film.
To watch Cabin in the Woods and not understand the satire at play is to not truly watch it.
Cabin in the Woods requires at least a general understanding of satire - an understanding
CinemaSins seems to lack.
"But Bob, CinemaSins said that they're playing a character!
That character might not understand the satire at play here!"
Sure, that could be true - but satire executed well leaves no question of its existence.
If CinemaSins' "character" was meant to satirize a "know-it-all movie-obsessed
nitpicking asshole" for comedy, then why are there sins in CinemaSins' video that
I didn't show because they were accurate criticisms of the movie?
Like how Patience got to the sacrificial room?
CS: Just how the fuck did Patience get down here?
Does she also know how to manually override the elevator controls?
BOB: Or how Marty recovered from being stabbed in the back?
CS: I'm sure there have been people that have survived 5-inch trowel attacks directly to
their spine, but I'm guessing they typically don't immediately go on a walk, fight, and
eventually be the fucking hero.
BOB: These are valid nitpicks among blatantly incorrect statements and flawed understandings
of film.
How are we supposed to discern which sins are serious and which are wrong on purpose?
It's not always obvious which is which, and I won't even talk about the instances
where CinemaSins Jeremy nitpicks movies on his personal channel only for those same criticisms
to show up in Everything Wrong With videos - I talk all about that in my Avengers: Age
of Ultron video.
But it's here, where the line between satire and sincerity becomes blurred, that you've
completely failed at satire - which is why I'm doubting CinemaSins understanding of
Cabin in the Woods and subsequent criticism, and satire of criticism, of it.
The point of satire is to exaggerate something fundamental about a person or concept to make
a point.
The point of Cabin in the Woods was to provide commentary on the state of horror films and
the process that churns them out, as well as the audience that eats up gore porn and
slasher films, while satirizing common horror tropes.
What's the point of CinemaSins?
To mock nitpicky film reviewers?
The mockery isn't nearly exaggerated enough to read as a joke.
Truth is, any point CinemaSins could be making with their supposed satire has been lost in
their flawed understanding of it, and if their videos actually had a point, it was made years
ago with their first few videos.
If that point hasn't been made by now, it never will be - and there's reason to doubt
there ever was one to begin with.
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