Uhhhhhhhhhh...
First things first:
I have a speech impediment.
I'm going to be talking really fast
and if you don't--
--if you can't catch up, if you can't, like, listen to me talk for that long,
I recommend captions.
Put 'em on.
I transcribed this whole video so just watch with the captions.
So it'll be...very beneficial to you.
Also, I'm kind of nervous recording this video,
so I'm probably gonna talk really fast anyway...
So, oof, this is gonna be a lot of fun.
[music]
This channel, Recycled Thoughts...
I haven't made a video on this channel for like, a year,
maybe two years, honestly, at this point.
It's been a long time,
and I wanted to, kind of, reboot this channel and bring it back to its glory that never happened.
Uh, this channel is a space for talking...
...about anything, about issues I'm going through...
and, um, I wanted to just, kind of, make it a place
where you guys can come hear me talk
and hopefully either provide input for me,
provide some insight, advice, whatever,
or we can just talk about anything that's bothering you
and I'll just make a new video and just talk about these things!
I want to have this space to talk about things that are bothering ALL of us.
Hopefully.
It's my plan. If it doesn't work out, that's cool.
This video... this CHANNEL isn't just for these vlogs, these kind of talking videos,
it's gonna be a bunch of other stuff too,
but for this series of videos
it's called "Sorry For Oversharing," as the title probably says,
um, and the title is pretty self-explanatory.
I'm probably gonna be talking a lot about myself and what I'm going through
and about my life, maybe a bit too much.
Maybe some people won't want to hear it, but I think it's important to talk about.
For this video, I'm gonna be talking about my social anxiety that, um, followed me in college.
My first year of college is over, thankfully.
Um, just kind of what I was going through, I guess.
You know? Throughout that time, the three quarters that I went through.
So let's talk about my social anxiety.
Um, I'm not officially diagnosed with it.
I don't know if you really can--
--this is probably a lack of my fucking mental health awareness going on here,
but, um, I know enough about myself to understand that yes, I have social anxiety. It's really bad...
...and it affects my life, a good part of that,
and I should probably work to, kind of, overcome it, shouldn't I?
Isn't that what you do?
But, um...I haven't yet and I'm going through it, I'm suffering through it, I guess.
Um, yeah but social anxiety...
I don't know where it came from.
A lot of the time, it's just little things like being in crowds
or having to order food at the fast food place or a restaurant,
um, when your mom drops you off somewhere to go in the store and get something,
I fear that a lot.
But my social anxiety also goes hand-in-hand with my body issues, I think.
Um, I've become a lot more body positive lately, which is a good thing! It's great!
Uh, if you can and you think you're strong enough to do it, you should definitely become more...body positive.
It'll help you out in the long run. It's a good thing.
But, you know, sometimes I still slip.
If I'm not dressed to go out somewhere, like if I'm wearing just pajamas and I don't want to change,
I can't get off and do something, like I can't get out of the car and go somewhere.
I fear...
I FEAR a lot, you know?
Um, so, that comes from my body issues.
My social anxiety is just like, you know,
not talking to people I don't know,
uh, being in group projects, being called on,
um, eye contact,
uhhhhhh, going to new places, meeting new people.
For the longest time--this is an example of my social anxiety.
There's an LGBTQ resource center on my campus, which I'm really thankful for,
and I've been wanting to go and just check it out,
just, you know, look inside, see who's there, meet the staff or whatever, see the resources they offer.
And, you know, I've scrolled through the website like a million times pumping myself up to go visit the place,
and I haven't gone to visit the place yet.
I haven't even stepped in the door.
I get too anxious, like I don't know what about it,
you know, I think...
...or you would think it would be this comfortable place to be in,
you know, me being a queer kid,
it'd be a comfortable place to go into and you know,
look around and meet the people and get familiar.
And there's something about it. I just can't enter that room
and I get anxiety whenever I walk past it and I just...
It's a bad thing and everyday I'm trying to, you know,
do things I wouldn't. You know, go...talk to people,
do something, you know...
...just become a better version of myself I can become.
In terms of how I go about doing that, I'm not really sure.
I just, you know,
different mindset every day, a positive mindset, goes a long way.
But...with this social anxiety that I've faced throughout my year of college, my first year,
I also found this loneliness that I haven't really...figured out where it came from or how to fight it.
Um...I think most of it came from most of my friends not going to the same school as me, you know?
When you graduate high school...
...it feels kind of somber 'cause you know everyone's leaving to different schools,
but it doesn't really hit you that they're gone and they're not really accessible anymore until,
like, a few months later.
The people you were close with in high school, you've probably known them all your life,
and then, they're gone, and then, you know, you still talk to them,
you might like an Instagram photo of theirs or message them just to check in once in a while,
But, they're not accessible.
They're not...they're not a major part of your life anymore and that's the sad reality of it, really.
Um...
...and I have one good friend of mine who goes to the same school as me and I see her a lot.
Um, Yvette. Shoutout to my friend Yvette. She might watch this. I don't know.
But, I see her a lot, and I'm really thankful for her company.
She's helped me...
We've gotten a lot more closer just by being in distance of each other.
And I still have a few friends who still live in my hometown, and that's really great too 'cause I see them all the time.
And, it's just...
...I'm not lonely in that sense.
But...I'm lonely in...
...a romantic way??
What would be the right way to say it?
Like, I...I feel this part of my life that friendship cannot satisfy and that part is the romantic part of it.
So, going...switching topics now into romantic stuff,
um, I am a user of dating apps.
I...might be an obsessive user. Who knows? Maybe this is a bad thing to admit.
But, I'm oversharing so we're already too deep into this.
Fuck!
FUCK!
Yeah, I've used every single app under the sun, probably.
All the gay apps. I've use Tinder,
I've probably used Grinder a few times,
Bumble, Chappy, Scruff, Growlr...
Fuck, OkCupid. You name it, man. I've been on all these apps, and I don't know why I still do it.
I don't know why. (':
They're really fun, obviously, and you know, the emphasis is on fun.
I feel like a lot of people use these apps for fun. No one's really ever serious about it.
But, you know, I am pretty serious about it! (':
I've never been in a relationship before...
Um...nineteen years of existence and I've never been in a relationship with a man
or even a woman before I knew I was gay,
But even then it's just...nothing. I've never been in relationship at all.
But, like, everyone is in a relationship at one point in their life and I'm just tired...of waiting, you know?
I feel like if dating apps can...speed up the process, then why am I not, like...trying to speed it up?
Um...but they just really suck.
There's a lot of times where nothing...where conversations go nowhere,
you might match with someone and they never message you, and you're like,
"Well, I don't want to message them 'cause, like, what if they're not interested?"
But then you're like, "But why did they match with me in the first place?"
It's just a lot of, like, DOUBT. A lot of doubting yourself.
And you've asked yourself, you know, "Am I good enough?", like, "What's going on?",
"Do I need to change my pictures?",
"Does my bio need to be more...realistic? Do I need to word it better?"
Um...
But at the same time, dating apps...there's something about it that I can't...
...I can't fully delete it off my phone.
There's that part of loneliness that's just like...it's just like attached to those apps,
and it's like, "You have to stay on these apps. You can't fucking delete me. Don't delete me please."
And...I haven't...I legit haven't found anything serious with them,
and, you know, a lot of the time it makes me upset. Makes me sad. Makes me feel like I'm not...
...worth it. You know?
At the same time, yeah, I could fucking, like, go out there and try to meet people the old fashioned way
or put myself out there and you know...do romance that way.
But, in this day of (and) age, dating apps are here. There's no...you can't get rid of them.
They're here and people use them! People find success on them, so why not me?
Why can't I just...keep trying at it? Keep getting at it?
But also, back to my anxiety, I can't, like, confess my attraction to somebody!
I can't even make friends with people, you know?
I have a hard time doing that and I'm also kind of stubborn and I feel like...I don't need to?
I'm, like, really just holding out for someone to...confess their attraction for ME
and have THEM go through all this, you know, bullshit that I've been through.
Um, I'm really waiting for that just to happen.
So...
...until that happens, I'll keep you updated, you know?
But for the meantime, dating apps will be on my phone forever 'cause I'm just too attached.
I can't...I can't let go!
I cannot do it. I can...not...
I cannot do it! You know? I can't!
Um, so yeah! I wanted to make this video just as a little intro video to have something out there
in the meantime while I'm thinking of other ideas.
I felt like social anxiety in college and my life,
and just the general overall feeling of...you know, this kind of like,
missing part of my life would be a good thing to discuss.
Hopefully, it was worth it. Hopefully you enjoyed this.
Um, but these videos, you know, this series "Sorry For Oversharing", this channel,
It's just for talking about stuff.
A lot of the time...I don't feel represented in media or even just on YouTube, you know?
Um, I guess in the gay bear scene I kind of feel represented, 'cause you know,
it's just a bunch of big dudes and I'm a big dude.
But, I don't feel...represented a lot.
I'm a queer kid, I'm also a Chicano kid,
and I have speech impediments, and I'm...you know, fat,
and it's just a lot of things that I haven't seen a lot on YouTube.
And if there's somebody who needs...
If somebody needs to be that person to represent other people that, you know, might feel the same,
then I...should be that person, you know?
I should try to attempt to do that
Um...and also, I'm not really into making films anymore. I used to have a channel...
It's still there actually. I don't know why I said "used to."
But, I used to make, like, short films and sketches and these kind of parodies and I don't do that no more.
Um, I...just don't feel the need for filmmaking anymore.
In my current stage of life right now.
Um, I'm still a screenwriter. I write scripts and I write poems and stuff,
but filmmaking is not a part of my life anymore.
I don't want to go back to making videos on YouTube that are filmmaking
'cause I can't...I don't know how to do that anymore.
But I know how to talk! I know how to talk about things and I know how to understand people's feelings.
So, I feel like, I could do that.
I could just talk about my issues and help people who are going through it and have them help me in return.
I feel like this is some great communication. Two way street, you know?
It's going right now. It's happening right now. :D
I just miss being comfortable enough to talk to a camera and post YouTube videos and have people watch.
I miss that comfortability.
I miss the friends I used to have on here who are all older now like me and we don't do this shit no more.
But, at the same time, you know, I feel this need to...
...I just felt this need to do it, you know?
I don't know why but I did.
And yeah, there's probably a whole bunch of queer and Latino YouTubers out there...
...but...I haven't looked hard enough and I don't find them yet.
But, I don't want to be like other people, I just wanna be me and just talk about shit that relates to me!
And hopefully, you know, my hope is that somebody out there, or many people out there can, you know,
if they can't relate to me entirely, they can relate to a partial bit of me, you know?
It doesn't have to be completely me.
That's my intention with this channel and hopefully...it shows? Hopefully it makes it through?
Um, so yeah, if you liked this video, give it a like. If you want to comment
and start the discussion with me, we can definitely do that in the comments below.
Or tweet at me @captainkinopio...or...stuff.
All my social links will be in the description below, so you can do that too.
I also have a few other channels which are going to be riiiiiiiiiiiight...
...nope. Over here. Right...no, hold on.
I'm figuring it out.
They're going to be right here on this side.
Um, but yeah! My name is Daniel. Thank you for watching.
And, uh, tune in next time. Hopefully the next video is my record collection tour.
Who knows? We'll see, you know?
Alright, thank you for watching though. I appreciate you. You're great.
Uh, keep in touch. (;
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