[ Rhythmic clapping ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Discordant piano notes playing ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
-Everybody. -Us. You know what I'm sayin'?
You know what it is.
...never given the opportunity before,
and y'all are responsible for that.
And I gotta say, no other network had the balls
to even attempt to do a show like this.
Viceland put us in a conference room and was like, "Do you."
-You know what I'm sayin'? -And we did that for two years.
So shout-out to Viceland
for taking a chance on two guys from the Bronx.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -It paid off. We're out here.
...continued success to Viceland...
You know what I'm sayin'?
And to the kid that Drake will not claim.
And in my honor...
if you're smashin' tonight, go raw.
♪♪
Hey, y'all. It's our last show on Viceland.
What?!
Yes, we will be moving on to greener pastures.
But we got all our friends here for a goodbye party
and a trip down memory lane, y'all.
You know what I'm sayin'? So we gotta do the rundown.
Who's on the couch over here? We got Vashtie.
Charlamagne: Vashtie!
-Charlamagne! -Charlamagne tha God.
-Hey! -Pio!
Mero: Pio Presidente!
-Crissle. -You know what I'm sayin'?
We got other people, but the camera can't spin around that far.
[ Laughs ]
Diddy's in the back over there signing niggas to bad deals.
[ Laughter ]
It's the last show. You know...
He's like, "Hey, man. I'm all about love now, brother."
Brother Love, right? Here's where it all began.
Check out the first show in this room.
You know what I'm sayin'? I'm more tan and more fat.
We watched 20 episodes of "Action Bronson" in a row.
-Now we're here. -All right.
This is Desus Nice. I'm The Kid Mero. We're here.
-Gang, gang! -Henh!
Damn. We didn't even have a hat budget yet.
[ Laughter ]
-That's so long ago. -Fam!
I wore that same outfit all week.
Who would say that, that every time they went to the showers,
they had to put the razor in the foreskin?
Imagine you're white America,
and this is the first time you've ever listened to us.
And we're talking putting razors in the foreskin.
Viceland, what were y'all doing?
Mad white people were like, "I don't even have a foreskin!
How do I do that?!"
Oh, shit. Our first guest was Awkwafina.
Gang, gang.
I brought one, but you couldn't use it.
All right, so, what'd you bring instead?
I brought this -- What did I bring instead?
-Hey, hey! -What? Steppenclause?
What was that movie and they had the Anonymous mask?
"V for Vendetta."
That's the facial hair I have.
[ Laughter ]
Got the Guy Fawkes special?
Yo, this has been episode one.
Hope you enjoyed it. You know what I'm sayin'?
Doesn't matter. We're back tomorrow.
-Oh, you're watching this on -- -Ohh.
Oh. She's naked.
Woman: [ Laughs ] What is wrong with y'all?
Hey! Shout-out to episode one.
That's when we were becoming camera-ready.
Oh, my God.
That's a great guest for episode one.
-Awkwafina lit right now. -Yeah. Yeah.
-We felt the trajectory. -You know what I'm sayin'?
It was like when you go to a new school and you're like,
"I don't even know what the... is going on here, but...it. I'm-a just wild out."
You know what I'm sayin'? See what happens.
Yeah, and then three weeks later,
we did something that nobody thought we could do.
We did a live election special.
And it was a rough night on many levels.
-'Cause Trump won. -Exactly.
But at least we had our goddess, Cardi B, queen of the Bronx.
And we're back. We're back. We're back.
Welcome back to the "Desus & Mero" election special.
Who green-lit this?! This is...
[ Laughter ]
What is this?
Everybody was broke then. Everybody was broke.
Yo, that's my regular outfit. How is that even wardrobe?
There's, like, a gravy stain on my sweater.
-BX in the house! -All day!
We're here with the mother... head of the Hillary campaign.
The queen of the Bronx, Cardi B.
-That's right. -Just a regular shmegular.
[ Laughter ]
Yo! Fam!
How you feeling, queen?
-How you guys doing today? -We're doing good.
I feel a little nervous. You know what I'm sayin'?
I feel like my implants is about to pop,
'cause my chest is beating so fast.
-We worried about Trump. -Trump got you nervous?
He definitely got me nervous.
-I just -- [ Laughs ] -Listen to Cardi.
I just feel like, you know,
we are gonna ruin so much relationship.
You know, just relationships
with other countries and everything, like...
Yo, Cardi needs to be on MSNBC.
-She be knowing. -She knew. Yeah.
I think this was pre- "Love & Hip Hop" Cardi B.
Like, she was just getting started with "Love & Hip Hop."
-Yeah. -Yes, that's right.
We gave Cardi B a national platform to speak her views.
And we kept one Viceland employee in.
-Hey, guys. He's like, "Hey, guys."
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah, we drew straws.
I got the shortest straw. So I had to stay here.
Uh, looks like Trump's winning everything."
What's going on? You got good news?
Um, I don't know.
That depends on what you mean by "good" and "news," I guess.
What?
You hear what I said? I said -- Take it back.
I was like, "Don't get cute."
Desus: Wow.
So it's like Al Gore all over again, huh?
Yeah, except instead of George W. Bush,
you have Donald Trump.
[ Laughter ]
Wow. I didn't realize Harry was talking spicy on the Bird.
I think I might have to... up a Viceland employee
before I leave.
And then we tried to kill our crew with the one-chip challenge.
Yo, what up, ballbags?
You remember the one-chip challenge.
We watched some news anchors earlier this week.
They couldn't handle the spices.
'Cause they wild-buns. But you know who's not wild-buns?
-Us. -Not us. All right?
Look at Mero. Mero took a nibble like a cat.
[ Laughs ] I wanted to test it out first, though.
I'm like, "Yo..."
[ Laughter ]
Man: Oh, my God.
[ Laughter ]
It's, like, hot for no reason, but...
-Ooh! -Yeah. It's like your...
Mero: Ahh!
[ Laughter ]
-I was feeling it. -Damn.
You know how much pressure I felt as a Jamaican?
-Yo. -Okay. Look.
Listen. No baby lungs over here, baby.
See? Look. Whole thing's gone.
-Whoo! -Whoo!
Whoo!
Now I'm trying to walk it off.
He's like, "Whoo!"
Noah: I can't breathe.
[ Laughter ]
Yo! Yo!
[ Laughter ]
And the funny thing is I didn't realize this was going on.
I get home. I get a text message. They're like, "Yo, did that guy die?"
I was like, "Who?"
Him!
[ Laughter ]
Yo!
Damn!
Noah, Noah, Noah!
Woman: He got it bad.
That's a team player right there.
[ Laughs ] Yo!
Woman: With the trash can.
-Yo! Fam! -Your mans couldn't take it.
I didn't throw up. I had dry heaves.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sweating a lot. I think I shit my pants.
"I think I shit my pants."
[ Laughter ]
Bruh! Yo!
-Noah! Noah! -Noah the god!
He's still with us, y'all. He's still with us.
Look at Noah's face.
Yo. Come on. Show everybody you're still alive.
Come out here one time. Come out here one time.
Give it up to Noah. Come on. Come to the center stage.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -Come take a bow.
[ Chanting ] Noah! Noah! Noah!
Hey! Our guy Noah!
He did it. He survived.
-Yeah! Yeah! -He's here.
[ Laughter ]
All y'all that were worried about his health and well-being,
he's good, he's chillin'.
Well, you know we loved showing animal videos.
What you don't know is we shot a pilot for an animal video show
and hung out with some animals for real.
Check out this never-before-seen footage.
These are real-ass animals that could've killed us.
And they blend in. It's like their form of camouflage.
Right. Also, khaki goes with everything.
Yeah. Right. Yeah.
Here. Actually -- Like, we could do this.
See, why she had to do that? Ain't nobody saying to do all that.
Yeah, she did not respect your agency.
She's like, "If I can't touch your hair, I'm-a do the next best thing."
Yo, Lady Gaga, don't steal that look, yo.
You know what I'm sayin'? That's exclusive.
All summer at La Marina, catch me and my lizard out here.
-This one... -This looks like it's involved
in Japanese pornography.
[ Laughs nervously ]
She didn't know what she signed into.
You seen her face? She was, "Heh-heh-heh-heh."
[ Laughter ]
That's the laugh white people do before they call the cops on you.
"Heh-heh-heh. Still calling them.
"They're barbecuing over here.
That's enough, buster!"
They have a charcoal grill."
Do you know what this is?
-That is an armadillo. -It is an armadillo.
-Is that what I think it is? -Yes, it is.
[ Laughs ]
Just said what it was.
-Yeah. -No, no. I mean that.
-That. -Oh.
Ahh! We had little armadillo dills out. Yeah!
Woman: Gross!
He's like -- ♪ I'm tryin' to get freaky tonight ♪
Is this lizard gonna eat him?
No, but you know what? We're gonna -- We're gonna --
See? You know how white people let their kids run wild in the mall?
She as letting her animals run wild.
I was like, "Lady! Lady, get your tarantula!"
I felt like I was at Palisades Mall.
...in black ink. It's absolutely gorgeous.
Oh. Wait. You don't want to put her down there.
-Hey! -Hey!
[ Laughter ]
Look at this...shot from... Look at this Brazzers shot.
[ Laughter ]
"MILF tries to handle black ink snake."
[ Laughter ]
Charlamagne: That's Bodega Bang Bros.
[ Laughter ]
Yo! That lizard's eating the shit out that bug.
Yeah, he was eating the crickets, right?
Yo!
-It's a nickel bag... -What's he eating?
[ Laughter ]
She said a nickel bag?
Remember? 'Cause they're called nickel-bag crickets.
We were just like, "Nah. It means a different thing."
Oh, shit.
Why did that pilot not air?
We should've had, like, Siberian tigers and shit in here.
Nah. We're gonna do one in the Bronx.
It's gonna be, like, squirrels and pit bulls.
Yeah, that's it. And rats. Non-aggressive rats.
We watched about 20 million video clips,
but this is the most-watched of all time.
-Oh, shit! -Our most-classic one.
Uh-oh. Envy, Envy, Envy.
Sorry, Charlamagne. You gotta...
Charlamagne: I don't give a shit.
[ Laughter ]
Do you understand? People scream, "Fuck DJ Envy,"
to me from across the street?
"I'm with my moms! What are you doing?!"
If a host can walk off a show, maybe there's too many hosts?
Let's get started!
[ Laughter ]
Oh, shit!
Niggas getting spicy! Niggas getting spicy!
That's how you start a fucking show!
-Whoo! Shots, nigga. -Right?
RRRLA!
Okay? That was my Pusha T verse.
-"You are hiding a child!" -"You are hiding a child!"
Also, that zoom-in was extra messy.
Yeah, bro.
Charlamagne the God. We are "The Breakfast Club."
We got two guests in the building.
Charlamagne: Why you ain't say "special guests," man?
[ Laughter ]
-You motherfucker, you! -You are messy!
-Yo! Charlamagne! -Charlamagne.
Charlamagne's not the person that makes you fight, but he gonna egg that shit on.
I mean, in that 10 minutes we saw you outside the studio
before we did the interview and you didn't talk to us,
maybe you could've came up with a better name then.
-Ooh. Smoke. Smoke. -Ooh!
Damn. Nigga, I was in my bag for real!
-Damn! -I'm scared of that Desus.
You ever see a video of yourself after the fact
when you know you were wildin'?
Trying to fight niggas in the parking lot, got your shirt off.
Like, "Who else wants some more...?!"
Next day, you're like...
"Fam, you drank a whole pitcher of sangria to the grille.
-"I'm sorry. -You were wildin', bro.
-Bro, it was brunch, my nigga." -Damn. I'm sorry.
I hope your mother gets better soon."
Oh, you know them DJ Envy checks, though. I don't know.
I said literally after that --
I said, "I don't know. I don't know."
At the end, what did I say?
"I don't know. I don't know." I was being messy, right?
Wait. We're doing a play-by-play
of a play-by-play of a play-by-play.
What kind of inception is this?
Yo, the top is spinnin'.
So, we made a joke about you being on a show with your wife
discussing why -- I'm don't gotta say it.
Y'all know why y'all was there.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Okay? We made a joke about that.
Charlamagne: You-know-who means you-know-what with you-know-who.
Wow. That was extra sassy. I didn't have do all that.
[ Indistinct conversation ]
Everyone worked out, 'cause he has a show with his wife coming out.
-Yeah. -Yep.
Pio: ...DJ Envy.
Desus: Yeah! Ah! Ahh! Ah!
Nothing but respect for my president! Let's go!
[ Applause ]
♪♪
Number-one show in late night. You know what it is.
Ahh. Nothing but illustrious guests.
And tonight we have a New York sports legend!
Yes, who better to send off this show than the legendary --
-The Pope himself. -You know what it is.
Mike Francesa, ladies and gentlemen!
First time, long time. Mike, come to the table!
♪♪
Low-key, us and Bill Simmons, we brought you out of retirement.
Because there was that Yankee/Red Sox fight
earlier this season. -Yes.
And we said the next day -- We was like,
"Don't you miss hearing Mike Francesa, his take on it?"
That's right. That's exactly right.
What were you doing in retirement?
-Was it eating at you that -- -Yes.
That you couldn't get to -- All right. Tell us.
Especially when I heard so much stupid stuff being said about it.
They had people on the wrong teams when they were recounting the fights.
You gotta remember --
A Yankee/Red Sox fight needs a little blood,
needs a little toughness, somebody's gotta get hurt.
-Somebody's gotta get hurt. -That's exactly right.
Do you feel the rivalry is back?
Yeah. I do, because, first of all, they're both good.
You have to be there tomorrow night.
There's nothing better.
Hot night. Yankee Stadium. -Friday night.
Sold-out building, where you can hear the chants
40 minutes before the game starts.
Okay? Building will be full.
And it'll be like an old-time Yankee game where it'll rock.
The stadium will rock.
Yep. In the parking lot, drinking 22s of Bud getting ready for the game.
-You're both Bronx guys, right? -Both. Born and raised.
So, tell me. How'd you get in this crazy business?
Lucked into it basically. We actually were on Twitter.
We got recognized off of Twitter, which you recently joined.
You had this iconic tweet.
"Long time coming, first time tweeting.
Don't waste my time with dumb stuff."
-That's about it. -That's a good one.
Are people wasting your time with dumb stuff?
Oh, I don't read the comments. I don't know.
Oh. Smart man. Smart man.
Okay, on Twitter, you don't read the comments.
-I don't. -But when people call in
and they come out with the most ridiculous trades,
how do you stay professional?
I don't. I hang up on them. I don't.
Or I say, "Why did I have to be your one call?"
Okay, I mean, whether they were in jail or in some nut house,
why'd I have to be their one call?
Listen. I almost called in last week and said,
"Jacoby Ellsbury for Bartolo Colón straight-up.
I'll hang up and listen."
I would hang up on you. Okay?
[ Laughter ]
Who the hell would ever trade for Jacoby Ellsbury?
They owe him $60 million.
He doesn't play. It's a bad deal.
Are you a Giant fan or Jet fan? -Giant fan.
-Both Giant fans? -Yeah.
-Both Yankee fans. -Both Yankee fans.
Still Knick fans or no? No, no, no. Wait.
You guys left the Knicks long ago.
Knick fans to the end.
And you have teams somewhere in the league.
Who is your guy in the league? Who's your NBA guy?
-Like, the one -- -Who's your guy?
-One guy? It's LeBron. -That's it.
You're still a LeBron guy. Who's your guy?
-Kristaps. -Okay. Really?
-Listen. I'm Knicks to the end. -Really?
-I am Knicks to the end. -That's your guy?
That's my guy. Listen. I live and die with the Knicks.
Well, you've been dying for a long time.
-I've been dying for a while. -Matter of fact, you're dead.
Speaking of being a New York guy,
we came on the scene, and it was, "Oh, they're too New York.
They're too New York-centric."
As a guy who has a very distinct New York accent,
how did you overcome that?
Oh, I tell you, it was an issue because when I --
Here's the deal, though.
I did network television for 13 years for CBS,
you know, NCAA tournament, basketball, football,
all that stuff.
Around the country, they would write,
"Oh, this guy's too New York," and all this stuff all the time.
But I never paid attention. -Screw 'em.
-That's it. -Now you're in the hall of fame.
Hey, you know what? If they don't like it, tough.
I'd rather own New York than own the whole country.
It's the greatest city in the world.
-Nothing like it. -Can't top it.
Nothing like it. And the Bronx isn't bad, either.
You know that?
[ Laughter ]
East Tremont. We out here.
Is it still fun, radio?
Yeah. You know what? Radio's fun to do.
TV -- People like being on TV. They like having done TV.
When they see you when they do TV, they'll say hello.
When they see you when you do radio,
they think they know you.
They think they know everything about you.
They think that you're best friends.
Mike, Mike, you've been my uncle for like 15 years.
That's it.
You're in your car, you're in your house,
you're lying in bed, you hear it.
You're in your head.
It's very intimate, and it's very personal.
Nothing better than radio. Never give up radio.
I don't care how successful you guys are, never give up radio.
We will not.
You're still doing a podcast or no?
-Absolutely. Never stop. -Still doing the podcast.
♪♪
What would you like your rainbow to say?
Whatever you would like to enlighten the world with.
If you want to enlighten any young broadcasters out there.
Here's the one thing I would say, okay?
And I've said this since I was a little kid.
And I've always believed this.
I remember having a paper route when I was 9 years old,
going up to all these big houses.
I'd have to go up and collect every week...
I'd say, "Man, someday, I'm gonna have a house like this."
I used to say, "Oh, someday, I'm gonna have a car like that."
Dream it and do it.
If you believe it, you can do it.
And I believe that. There's nothing getting in your way.
Don't let anybody stop you.
Don't let anybody step on your dreams.
If you really, passionately believe it, you can get it done.
-Mike Francesa! -Mike Francesa!
-The Pope! -The Pope himself!
-Wise words from a wise man. -Thank you, guys.
-Hey! -Pleasure. Nice to see ya.
Thank you so much for coming.
♪♪
Oh, wow.
Oh. Our rainbows.
-Hmm. -Damn.
You go first, 'cause I'm...drunk as shit.
I am, too.
Uh, what would I want my rainbow to say?
"Yo, pay 5 dollars for that Showtime, stupid."
[ Laughter ]
You know what I'm sayin'?
-Ahh! -Stop playin'.
-Ah! -...outta here.
Oh. I got it. It's like Spike said. Everything is finite.
-Everything is finite. -He warned y'all niggas.
You know what I'm sayin'?
You know what I'm sayin'? -Yeah!
-Shout-outs. -Last shout-outs ever.
-Final shout-outs. Yo. -Ever!
If you don't cry by the end of this, you have no soul.
-Shout-out to the fly. -You know what I mean?
Oh, my God. This is, like, totally --
What is that?! -A fly.
We have a problem with flies in here.
That fly has, like, long legs!
He's been alive for like three months.
-That fly is the CFO of Vice. -He's been lifting weights.
That fly is, like, genetically engineered!
Shout-- No, there's a big-ass fly here, and I am embarrassed.
I'm sorry, people.
Thousand bucks if you can get that fly.
Ohh! Damn. And it's cold in here, too.
Pay up.
Has our flypaper caught anything yet?
[ Crash ]
-Ohh. Got it. -Did you?
-I did. It flew away? -No. That...flew off.
He's like, "You thought." That...went yerrp!
Oh, shit, we got one. Yeah. We got one.
-Look at this shit, bro! -What is that?
-Look at this shit, bro! -Wow!
Look at this! [ Laughs ]
Yo, look at this big-ass fly just mackin'.
This nigga's, like, the third host of the show.
By the way, that's a drone! Somebody is...
That is not a fly! That is a drone!
Mr. Fly, what would you like your rainbow to say?
He's like, "I wanna live more than seven weeks."
"It's cold in here. It's affecting my ability to fly."
-Look at that graveyard, bro! -Wow. Okay. I'm out. I'm out.
RRLA! RRLA! RRLA-RRLA-RRLA!
Thanks, fly.
-Thank you, fly. -Shout-out to the fly.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -Third member of the show.
Hey, shout-out to our Bronx delicacy.
You know what it is.
The one and only chopped cheese.
Reggie, please, can you bring champagne
and some chopped cheese
to celebrate this momentous occasion?
-Here we go. Hey! -Hey!
[ Applause ]
-Yeah! -Hey.
-We're poppin' bottles, y'all. -Yeah!
Everybody gets a chopped cheese.
You know what I'm sayin'?
That's a Williamsburg chopped cheese? I'm good.
Desus: Oh, wow! Wow! Wow!
She don't want your gentrified chop cheese!
[ Cork pops ]
-Whoo! -Hey!
-Yeah! -Damn.
That was premature. You know what I'm sayin'?
"That's the first time it's ever happened to me.
You're so pretty."
"The pussy's so good, I couldn't resist."
[ Cork pops ] Woman: Oh, shit.
-Damn. -Watch the sneakers.
Woman: That could have been a lot worse.
We drinking this to the head? Are we sharing this?
Swing that shit around, B...it...
Everybody in here's good, right?
You've been tested within the last six months?
Charlamagne: No, I'm good.
Look at this Hollywood-ass nigga!
Desus: Hey, hey! Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
[ Laughter ]
-My guy. Ahh. -Are you old enough to drink?
[ Laughter ]
Woman: He's like, "That's really illegal."
-Yo! -Keep passing it down.
-You know what I'm sayin'? -This show is a mess.
Yeah! Exactly how it started.
I feel like the show got to, like, a mature level,
and now we're just back to episode one.
[ Laughter ]
-You know what I'm sayin'? -Hey! Hey! Yay-ay!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
I mean, yo, if Pio tell you to drink, you gotta drink.
You gotta drink, bro. That's it.
♪♪
Yo, shout-out to Viceland for taking a chance
on two humble individuals from the Bronx.
Y'all were wildin'. It paid off for you.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Shout-out to the amazing production stuff.
Yo. Word up.
Big up yourselves. Clap one time.
-Every day! Every day! -You know what I'm sayin'?
[ Applause ]
Noah...Pete.
Every day coming here didn't feel like work.
It felt like hanging out with family. I love you guys.
We put out the best product we could, and people enjoyed it.
And shout-out to you guys that watched us every night
and allowed us into your living rooms Monday through Thursday
to talk shit about politics and stuff we do not know about.
Yo, pay that $6.99 and get Showtime.
You know what I'm sayin'? Stop playin'.
I appreciate all y'all that have been
watching this show from episode one.
If you've been a fan since day one, I appreciate you
because it has allowed me to purchase Versace sneakers at retail.
You know what I'm sayin'?
We love you very much. And we'll be back!
And as Spike Jonze told you early on...
Both: ...everything is finite.
So don't be mad it's ending. Be happy you enjoyed it.
You know what I'm sayin'? Enjoy the new beginnings.
-We love you. -Mwah!
And, you know, as we always say in the Bronx,
the traditional ending.
-Suck our dicks from the back. -From the...back!
-Ahh! Ahh! -Ahh!
[ Applause ]
-Peace, y'all! -Henh!
♪♪
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