Hello everyone and welcome to lesson 13
of Speaking and Speech with Kiki.
I hope that you're all doing well
and that you've got a chance to do the homework.
If you did, you may have noticed,
they talked about --
they gave one piece of advice that I didn't mention,
which was to keep a journal
or a log of your anecdotes.
I thought that was a really good idea
because let's face it,
we're always getting older.
Every day we're getting older.
When you have a good story,
first of all, writing it down is good for you.
But second of all, having a log
helps you keep track of all those memories.
You could have an interesting story
that would make a perfect anecdote
but you don't keep track of it
and so it's gone.
I strongly suggest following that piece of advice.
I think it's good.
Today we're going talk about active listening
and how to build your vocabulary.
To start off, I'd like to say,
when you're giving a presentation,
when you're at a meeting
or when you're talking to another person -
be it a friend,
be it somebody you just want to communicate with,
we want them to actively listen to what we're saying.
To get that, to be worthy of that kind of listening-
that is, not just
polite yes, yes, go ahead, whatever, whatever-
not just polite nodding
but actually listening to what you're saying -
if you want to have that
then you should be able to give that.
To learn how to be an active listener is
it's literally a life-changing event.
It's not easy. Don't beat yourself up,
if you can't do it the first million times.
I'm still learning how to do it.
I'm still trying.
For me there's a language problem,
so I can only do it about 50% of the time
and then I'm just like whether they say
I didn't understand that last part
you know there's a language issue
but, in general,
even if you're speaking the same language
being an active listener is not easy.
It takes a lot of patience and mindfulness.
To practice that, first of all,
my first suggestion is face your listener.
I find it difficult to be on the phone and
pay attention to what people are saying.
To the same degree as when
I'm speaking to them face to face.
If you are discussing something with somebody
and you live in a different country,
you have no choice but to speak on the phone.
If it starts to get to a serious point,
I suggest FaceTime
or something like video chat.
If your video chatting,
you're paying attention and
you're actively listening.
When I talk to my family, [laughter]
family at home,
always in the background are
the noises of food being made,
dishes being washed.
I know what they're doing -
They're doing something and listening .
That's my family.
I don't want to be like that.
I want to stop what I'm doing.
I want to listen to what they're saying.
I want to give them the time of day
and I find that doing that
also makes our conversations better.
It makes them better because
my mind is not just wandering off,
but I'm actually listening
to what they're saying
and I'm responding.
Another piece of advice is to relax.
If you're in a very loud restaurant or
if you have to use the bathroom
and the person is in the middle of
their really important message
and you just, you can't focus
because you've got to go to the bathroom.
Excuse yourself.
Get rid of the problem.
Use the bathroom and come back,
even if it takes a minute
because you want to be present...
because you want to be listening.
You don't want to be thinking,
'I need to go to the bathroooooom.'
You want to be hearing what they're saying.
Keep an open mind.
I find one of the problems
for keeping an open mind
is that we are literally always judging people.
We're thinking, 'Well why did you do that?
I would never have done that.'
When you're actively listening,
one of the things you have to learn
to let go of is that judgmental
'I would have done....'
'You should have done...'
'You could have done.... '
All of those things have to be put aside,
and say, 'I wasn't in that position.
I couldn't judge what I would do
unless I was in that position.'
To say now, after it's finished,
'You could have... You should have...'
It's not helpful and
it sounds disrespectful and judgmental.
That's done. What did we learn from it?
And -
How can we move forward?
Those are positive ways of thinking about it.
To be mindful of the other person.
To be respectful of their decisions
during difficult choices.
That's fair, I think.
Try to imagine what the speaker is saying.
When somebody is talking to you.
It's very easy to think about
what you want for dinner -
to think about things you need to buy, whatever.
It's harder to imagine what
they're talking about, especially,
when they're talking in a different --
in your non native language.
That's one of the reasons I think
when you are talking to non natives
is to always have a signal
between you two
that you agree on, that says
I'm losing track of what you're saying.
Can you repeat it again?
just a hand up or some kind of signal
that you agree on,
where you can say, 'Oh it's too fast.
Can you say it slower.'
Because if you can imagine
what the other person is saying
then you're more sympathetic,
you're more empathetic,
to that person in their situation,
and in their way of thinking.
That's access to another person
you didn't have before.
An understanding of somebody.
That means you guys are getting closer.
When you speak, you'll change
the way you speak to fit that person.
Then that person will be able to hear you
and understand you better.
This is a give and take.
Don't interrupt
and don't try to solve their problems.
Those are two big ones.
Not interrupting is difficult,
especially when you want them to slow down
or you didn't understand something.
It's that uncomfortable part for everybody,
natives and non-natives.
You have to wait for the person
to slow down and pause.
Then you say, 'Oh, before you go on,
can you explain to me what would it --
what happened with ABC.
I didn't quite understand that.'
And another not interrupting,
is when somebody is telling a story
and you ask them a question
but instead of a question about,
'Can you explain it?'
'Can clarify...?'
Those kinds of questions,
you ask them a question that
changes the direction of the conversation.
They're talking to you about.
(A:) 'I was at a store yesterday.
I met a friend.'
(B:) 'Oh who's that friend?'
Suddenly, their story was going this direction
and your question drove them to another direction.
That happens. Don't worry.
That happens. Just, at the end,
say, 'Okay thank you. I appreciate that.
Can tell me more about your story?'
And try to get back to what they were saying...
because it's their story.
If you can not ask that question,
that changes the direction, great.
But if you did ask it,
be aware and go back to the original story.
Don't solve people's problems for them,
is the same as saying
if somebody doesn't ask you for advice
then don't tell them -
don't give them free advice.
You can if you want,
that's your agenda, but
I strongly suggest that you don't.
Because what happens is
you listen, you hear a problem
and you say, 'I know what they should do.
This is what I would do.'
Then suddenly you're waiting to talk.
You're not listening anymore.
You're just waiting to give them
the solution to their problem.
Which one - they may have already tried.
Two - your solution is probably, I mean ....
it may be the ones thing that they needed...
but giving people the answer to their problems
isn't always what they want.
I mean, they can't always hear the answer,
even if it's the right answer.
Unless they're ready to hear the answer,
if they're ready to hear the answer
then they're asking you for advice.
That's when you give it to them.
If they're not asking you for advice
they are probably not going to hear
what you have to say.
Don't create the cycle of:
I've got the answer and then
just wait for the pause
so that you can give them the answer.
Just don't do it.
Free your mind from that cycle
and just listen to what
they're actually saying.
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