Kia ora, my name is Robbie and I'm another white man behind a desk and we are live at
Q Theatre in Auckland.
That's right, it's Auckland!
Where telling people that you're thinking about voting ACT this year isn't necessarily
a joke.
Thank you for coming, David!
It's election time.
And here at WMBAD, we had a long, hard think about how we could boost New Zealand's voter
turnout, and we decided that by far the most effective thing to do would be to produce
an amateur, self-distributed political satire video.
So here we are.
And because we don't want to go to prison for somehow violating the electoral commission's
'third party' campaign rules, we have gone out of our way to make sure that this
video is completely free of any political messages whatsoever, and will appeal to as
broad a section of voters as possible.
This one's for you, middle New Zealand.
That is awful, Finn. That is terrible - Can I have a craft beer? Craft beer?
Do you have a craft beer?
Thank - do you have a glass? Could I get a glass?
That is much better.
Is that from Wellington?
Look: I get it.
Elections are a massive hassle.
First of all—OK—first of all: why is it easier to vote on not election day?
That doesn't make any sense.
Who made that rule?
On election day you have to be enrolled, there's all these people, parking's a nightmare…
And you're not enrolled, obviously, because you tried to do the online form but you couldn't
remember your fucking... government password, so it wouldn't let you, so you decided to
just… show up to a voting place on a Tuesday and get someone there to do it all for you.
Then you go up to the desk and tell the electoral officer your name.
But the electoral officer is a girl you went out with a few times before she stopped replying
to your texts, and she smiles at you and says, 'Hey Tom.'
But your name's not Tom, and you wanna roll with it, but it's electoral fraud.
So you have to tell her your real name and address.
And then you get this ballot paper, and you go to the booth, and you have two votes now?
What do you need two votes for?
What am I gunna do with two votes?
One on the left: that's the party vote.
I know that one.
It's easy.
The more votes you get, the more seats you get in parliament.
More votes more seats.
Makes perfect sense.
But what's the deal with the electorate vote?
Who are all these people?
I don't know any of these people.
Why are there more than two of them?
Why are there eight other candidates on here?
All those other people are doing is stealing votes from the two people who actually stand
a chance of winning.
So rude, little parties.
Stick to the party vote.
That's your one.
Stop trying to do the electorate thing, it's never gonna happen.
You're tricking people into wasting their electorate vote!
If you like whoever is currently your electorate MP, vote for them, if you don't, vote for
the one other person, the one other person, who might actually beat them.
As an example, if you do your party vote *here*, then do your electorate vote *here*.
OK?
You get where I'm going with this?
Party vote… electorate vote… party vote… electorate vote…
Electorate vote here?
That's a waste of time, okay?
Unless you're in Epsom! In which case, party vote… electorate vote.
There's also Northland, where it's…
Okay, so that's National - or is it? Who knows? Could be anyone. Okay, so you've got National there
and then you've got...
I mean, nobody really knows where to put him. So, we'll just...
Whoever he is.
Could be anyone.
*Mouths Winston Peters.*
The point is, guys, party vote for whoever your want.
With the electorate vote, vote for one of the two people who stands a chance of winning.
And I'm sure someone at the electoral commission is probably getting real mad about me doing…
this.
Get off my back, electoral commission.
I'm trying to get people to vote, OK?
And you're making it really hard.
And while we're at it, I've heard that some of your staff are forgetting people's
names… Alright?
And it's actually really hurtful.
Anyway.
Yes, elections are a hassle.
But you should still vote, because no matter who you are, your life is political.
Say you're a student at university.
You might have racked up ten or twenty thousand bucks worth of debt so far.
You're working at a bar to pay your way, but on $16 an hour, so you can still only
afford Oak baked beans.
Your little sister is freaking out about NCEA and your dad's been out of work since his
accident, and he's been on the goddamn waitlist for the operation he needs for four months.
And your mum quit her job because she couldn't stand sitting in traffic for an hour every
day, so she tried to start some business thing?
Something about knitting?
Some kind of small knitting business?
I never really got it, but she couldn't get it off the ground 'cause IRD was killing
her, so now mum and dad's place is filled with hundreds of boxes of knitting shit they
can't get rid of, and your mum has signed up for jobseeker support.
Your flat is so damp that the last person you managed to convince to come home with
you ended up getting asthma, and now you have to spend your wine money on your power bill
instead, because you spent the winter months doing everything you could to not freeze to
death.
All of that is political.
Student debt, wages, GST, ACC, NCEA, hospitals, roads and public transport, tax, welfare,
not being able to convince people to come home with you to an extent.
To an extent.
The politicians who made the laws that affect all of those things might not look like you
(obviously… a lot of them look like me - but that's another reason you need to vote, right there.)
Those men in suits at the Beehive might seem like they have nothing to do with you, but
they're making decisions about how society works.
And you live in society.
People who don't vote get screwed over.
And then, because they've been screwed over, they don't see the point in voting.
But if you don't vote to look out for your own interests, then someone else's interests
are going to win.
University, for example, used to be free, and then old people decided that, since they
already had their university degrees, they didn't really care if it suddenly became
really expensive for everyone else.
The top tax rate used to be 66% of your income.
But then people who didn't like giving most of their money to the government used their
votes to get their rate knocked down to 33% instead.
It used to be industry practice to pay people double time if they worked on the weekend,
but then the people who thought that was a good thing were outnumbered at the polls by
people who thought that was a bad thing, so voila… it's not like that anymore.
Life is political.
But that's OK.
You just have to figure out what you care about the most.
Don't worry about it too much.
Just pick a thing you care about right now, then go to a tool like the Spinoff's 'Policy',
and pick a party who says they'll do something about it.
And then see how they go.
It doesn't matter if you fuck it up.
If the party you voted for turn out to be a bunch of twats, you can tell people you
voted for someone else, and try again in three years.
Besides!
Millions of people are going to vote.
Your one doesn't count that much.
I mean obviously it's really important, and you should definitely do it, but it's not that big a deal.
Obviously New Zealand is going to keep steaming ahead anyway.
Your vote is just a chance to give it a tiny nudge in the direction that you want.
You might as well.



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