I'm not the kind of man
who does things the conventional way.
When I get jury duty, I say I'm sick.
And when I pay my taxes, I do not pay my taxes.
(laughter)
That's why I was so happy about Tuesday's primary results.
It was wall-to-wall victories for outsider candidates,
those brave politicians well beyond the mainstream
who don't know the meaning of "bipartisan"
or most other words.
(laughter)
Opposers, let's look at some of these new names
in the political arena.
Welcome to Fringe Watch 2018.
Too fringe, too far to the extreme.
Fringe and extreme-- that's kind of mainstream America now.
(distorted): Fringe...
(braying, trumpeting)
(rattling, grunting, chirping)
-(cheering, applause) -Whoa! Whoa!
That gorilla's actually running for Topeka comptroller.
(laughter)
Opposers, we're here to salute the fringe candidates,
those antiestablishment beasts
climbing into the ring that is American politics.
First up, weighing in at zero legislative experience,
he's a candidate for Nevada's state legislature--
Dennis Hof.
-(bell clangs) -No.
Nevada voters just nominated Hof as the GOP contender,
and it's easy to see why-- he has a nuanced,
comprehensive fiscal policy known as being...
A pimp who calls himself "The Trump of Pahrump"
wins the Republican primary for the Nevada state legislature.
Dennis Hof, who owns several brothels
in the state and stars in the HBO reality series,
Cathouse, takes pride in emulating Donald Trump,
even writing a book called The Art of the Pimp.
-Oh-ho! -(laughter)
The Art of the Pimp.
It's like The Art of the Deal,
but slightly more respectful to women.
-(laughter, whooping) -Uh...
Yes. Just a little bit.
I love Hof.
Just watch this Republican nominee at work.
Want me to walk you around and show you everything?
-Yeah, yeah. -There's just rooms down here,
and the girls decorate them like they want.
Yeah, we want people to be comfortable.
LED plasma TVs.
Yeah, it looks just like a regular bedroom.
-What is this? -This is a swing.
I don't quite know, um... how this works.
(audience groans)
Incidentally, "I don't know, um, how this works"
is also Hof's campaign slogan.
(laughter)
Still, the question on everyone's mind is:
Can a candidate who treats women's bodies as commodities
fit in with today's GOP?
(laughter)
Yes.
(laughter)
Because Hof is all in on Trump.
When describing how the president inspired him to run,
Hof said Trump "found the way and I jumped on it."
And that Donald Trump was "the Christopher Columbus."
Yeah. Trump and Columbus are the same.
Brave pioneers who know that to achieve greatness,
sometimes you've got to evict the current residents.
So, we've got a pimp who idolizes a former reality host
running to make laws for a state where you can contract syphilis
just by flying over it.
(laughter)
That's some good fringe.
But like I told my tailor, I think we can go even fringier.
(laughter)
Yeah, that wasn't enough.
Stepping into the ring now,
standing at a towering
six foot "I will ruin your family's Thanksgiving,"
it's the winner of Virginia's Republican Senate primary,
-Corey Stewart. -(bell clangs)
Yes, now, this hunk of red meat
crushed his mainstream opponents in the primary.
So of course, the CNN-dinistas are complaining about him.
Stewart is known for his championing
of Confederate symbols and his ties
to several unrepentant bigots, including organizers
and participants in the Charlottesville rally last year.
Oh, okay.
That's a big charge.
It's not his fault he's getting support
from the tiki torch and khaki coalition.
(laughter)
They support lots of Republicans for some reason.
And what's Stewart supposed to do about it?
Spit in the face of his supporters?
He can't. They're wearing hoods.
(laughter, groans)
I mean, come on.
Stewart can't be that bad a guy.
In fact, President Trump endorsed Stewart,
saying that he has a good chance at winning.
Let me show you how unfairly Stewart's being treated.
Last year, he praised Paul Nehlen,
a self-professed "pro-white" candidate,
for Congress as his "personal hero."
Now, is Paul Nehlen a white supremacist?
Technically, definitely.
But Stewart has since disavowed Nehlen,
which explains the old expression:
never meet your heroes...
especially if all your heroes are white supremacists.
Okay, the ring is filled to the brim with fringe.
But, my God.
What's this?
We have an unexpected challenger entering the ring?
-And it's a Democrat. -(bell rings)
Okay, wow. Okay.
Opposers, normally Fringewatch is just for the right.
But once in a while, a liberal breaks through
and earns their stripes.
I present to you Colorado congressional hopeful,
Levi Tillemann.
I'm Levi Tillemann.
I'm calling on congress to stop talking past each other
and try something new.
Empower schools and teachers
with non-lethal self-defense tools,
like this can of pepper spray.
(laughter)
(gasps)
It's incredibly painful.
It's just unbearable.
It's like lava in your eyes.
(laughing)
Now, that's my kind of Democrat.
(laughter)
The kind who will pepper spray a Democrat.
All right, so I gather Levi was trying
to promote non-gun solutions to school violence.
And, obviously, I hate that, because the only real answer
is "good guy with a gun," et cetera.
But I've got to see more of this guy.
I don't care if he's progressive.
I love watching Democrats shoot themselves in the foot,
and Levi seems like he might actually do that.
So, Levi, buddy, I can't wait
for you to promote a higher minimum wage
by clamping mousetraps on your nipples,
or... fight for immigration reform
by locking yourself in a Saw-style trap
where the key is surgically implanted behind your left eye.
I mean, I'm excited about the new direction
of the Democratic party.
And that direction?
Careening into the Grand Canyon,
attempting to make a point about corporate personhood.
These leaders are inspiring, but you know what?
We can do fringer.
That's why... I'm calling on you, at home,
-to take on the mainstream. -(patriotic music plays)
Are you an unlicensed sea captain living on a boat
that we could gerrymander into a state?
Join us.
Are you the last living Civil War general
who is somehow still alive?
Saddle up, partner.
Are you a Bible that bumped into a genie's lamp
and gained the power of speech?
Well, welcome aboard.
Get out there, Opposers.
Way, way the (bleep) out there.
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