Mark: Are you filming now? Victor: Yes. From the beginning to the end. Mark: OK.
So these 2 guys are on a golf-course...
And there are these 2 girls, 2 ladies in front of them and they're talking the whole time -- I can't
look over here but the two guys said... the first guy said I'm gonna go over and ask
these girls since they're talking can we just play through...ask these ladies. One of
them is kind of cute. So he walks up sees her faces and he makes a u-turn he comes
back to his buddy and his buddy goes what happened? And he goes "one of those ladies is
my wife and the other is my mistress." And the other guy goes well, I'll go.
And he goes over and he turns around he goes, "Me too."
Small world.
They give a great shampoo here. Maybe the only way you could say great
Actually that's the only way you can say, "Great head." without it being dirty.
This is one of my mom's favorite jokes.
A guy... these are kind of Yiddish jokes...
A guy calls up his brother -- he used to live with his brother. He left his cat with his brother...
He calls up and he it says "how's Tabby"?
And his brother goes...
"Tabby's dead."
And the guy goes, "Man what the Hell. You can't... "
can't tell me like that what we first of all would happened?
Tabby was up on the roof and then Tabby slipped & Tabby fell off the roof tabby broke his
leg. He bled out. He didn't survive. We had to put him down. He's like okay well,
that's how you tell something. That's how you let someone down easy all right?
He goes okay. I remember that.
So the guy calls his brother up again... about a month later.
How's mom... Ummm... she's on the roof?
Victor: You can pace yourself. Mark: Yeah, I have to remember them.
He's been doing this for 60 years...
How long have you been going this?
Um... let me see... I started when I was 15 years old...
Barber: 62 years. Victor: Amazing.
That's since I started.
Since I came to Nagoya... 55 years.
Before that I was working near Takayama City.
I was born in Hida City.
Where?
Barber: Hidashi ... it's... Victor: I don't know... Barber: Near Takayama. North.
It's snowing there now.
I got another one. My wife and I were happy for 20 years...
... and then we got married.
It's weird with no laugh track, man. I've been these jokes are 61 by the way.
Victor: 61 years old? Mark: Yeah, these jokes are the same age.
Victor: These are all originals, right? Actually. Mark: Yeah, I wrote some of these, & then they become folklore actually.
I mean there's like there's Yiddish jokes, just kind of what they call it public domain?
Nobody knows who wrote them.
So this is one of those. A Jewish doctor told me this joke.
It's a doctor's favorite joke.
A man walks into the doctor's office said that he had chest pain.
The doctor said thee is nothing wrong with you got a clean bill of health and he let him go, and on his way out the man died of a heart attack.
So another guy is coming in the doctor's office and sees this guy lying dead in the doorstop.
And he runs and get the doctor.
And the doctor says "can you help me? Do me a favor?
Just turn him around so it looks like he was coming in instead of leaving my office.
Here's an old one. Went to the doctor I said you know when I raised my hand and I
can't do it now but when I do this and raising my hand it hurts hurts when I do
this you know and I teach and I have to write, it hurts.
"Every time I do it it hurts." "Well do it less." "Thanks, doctor."
Actually I had a doctor say that to me when was much younger. I was standing on my hands a lot.
Walking on my hands. My wrists hurt and the doctor said, "Well, stop
doing that." Mark: Yeah, exactly.
He was an athletic doctor. He was a doctor for The Tampa Bucks or something. Mark: Exactly.
He just said, stop doing that.
Guy walks into a doctor's office...and he's got a grape in his nose...
and he has a banana in his ear and the doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?"
And he said I don't feel too good and he said it's not surprising you're not eating right.
I feel like I've heard that one before.
I've probably done some of these. I've done these on podcasts and I've done these on stage.
Just for MC stuff.
You're looking better by the minute, man. Mark: Can he do my face too? Not just the beard?
Can he do my face too not just the beard? Does he do skin work?
Victor: Yeah, he does that. He'll do your forehead. And your cheeks...
You know you can shave everything.
You can shave all fo it. Barber: The bottom too? Mark: And my chin too.
Mark: Please. Barber: The forehead to. OK.
Barber: How about your sideburns. Regular?
Mark: Please make them as short as possible. Barber: Can I take them off. Mark: Please.
Barber: Your Japanese is very good!
I'm still a long way away.
I used to host a show on TOKAI RADIO.
When did you come to Japan? Mark: Maybe about... 27 years ago?
it must be more. I'm 26 years. Mark: 28 then?
He's been longer than me so...
Now I'll have to add subtitles to this.
God damn it! (lol)
sS
So this guy calls up his boss and says I don't feel well and not coming in and
then I don't you know just don't I'm kind of depressed the boss said when I'm
depressed I always just have sex with my wife
so do what you can and call me back so the guy calls them an hour half later
and he goes I did what you suggested you got a nice house I could I like that one
I like that one too I could add a lot factors but each he
probably should add some jokes to them to it also trying to have to remember
jokes by theme you know any jokes in Spanish yeah it's a really bad one
you've heard it before this place went boom-boom Iago drama full of una broma
in this manual it'll be careful he's not kind of my ear on it is maybe use my
head
que hace el pase el agua nada
it's really bad you know that's an old one didn't that someone taught me I
learned it when I was learning Spanish how many lives is this about eleven but
they all screw they all screw with my Japanese it's cruising you know I don't
know about you but I think in Japanese now you just have to it's faster right
when you're living in Japan and you can speak Japanese you think in Japanese
it's faster but now I have some spanish-speaking friends and so now
sometimes that's the defense I'm mixing Spanish to Japanese well I try to speak
Spanish my Japanese comes on yeah I do stuff really quick stuff like that
quiero Tapia if you speak Japanese and English
I mean Spanish you'll get that it's like you know better sounds right to me yeah
but it's Killick America because table air Tiberias eat in Japanese but also
table hoon sounds really Spanish to me so I say it in Spanish a lot isn't up
instead of kiss I saw he saw Sir Thomas double double double this day Celia Cruz
there's another doctor joke um I went to the dentist and the dentist said your
teeth are okay they're fine actually but I think you might need glasses
listen you can tell that by looking at my teeth and he said well you came in
through the window so probably you need glasses I like that one I've done that
on stage years yeah
so I went to the risk I went I went to the I went to get glasses to a different
place and I said to the receptionist my eyes are really bad I need glasses and
she said you're not kidding this is the ladies room
I have to do this in things so the way I can I'm always impressed when you go on
stage and start doing the Bernie Sanders jokes and the booking right of course of
course that's pretty shortly not not a lot of longevity it's topical and you
yeah you have to use them as soon as you write them because six months later I'm
not gonna work this is funny actually can i plug our comedy thing you have to
we're you know I'm running the Goya comedy calm and you can check us out at
Victor's Victor's plateless you've been on stage with us and
hopefully again soon and Steve Howard and I wrote a lot of jokes about Hilary
being president because did we thought that was going to happen and then it
didn't happen we had to throughout 38 jokes that's that's why I am angry about
the election I didn't care who won I just
I wrote 38 jokes for a sure thing and now okay I can't see min I but servo
Kukui Tommy okay Don Meghani
you know in Delina oh okay are you nervous
II probably can't do it when he jokes while he's shaving but people were
making excuses after Trump got elected and it's like well now the Trump gotta
like that I can't play the piano well you couldn't like could you play before
No so this guy this is about incentive there's a guy he asks his neighbor can I
borrow you a lawnmower and the neighbor said no he said why not he said um
because Tuesday I'm gonna have lasagna
and the neighbors what does that have to do with your llama and he said nothing
but if I don't if you don't want to do something one excuses as good as another
it's actually a Yiddish lesson it's actually like blogged about you're
giving people excuses actually yeah that's nice even if it doesn't make any
sense yeah any excuse doesn't matter if it's a line
that design does not want to do it so there are your button once you've got a
lot of hair often sell this here I like it really there you know what I like it
really bear I like it I don't like you know having to go a lot to the barber so
mm-hmm I like you know two and a half three months in between as much as they
could take off you might actually use even get it shorter than that spot it's
fun no it's okay this is such a pretty good they always do it too much before
they shave I asked him not to do muc style Monk style and they do it amongst
our because that's what I mentioned you know
so
but guys having such problems with this wife so he breaks it to the doctor the
doctor said she's mean to you and doesn't want to have she doesn't wanna
have sex with you and that and she's mean to you because she needs she needs
something from you and the doctor said want you to watch I'm only gonna do this
once so he grabs the wife bends her backwards and deep kisses her about a
minute and a half and then brings her back up right and the doctor said did
you see that husband said yeah he was she's going to need that at least once a
week and the husband said well I could bring her in Tuesdays but Wednesdays I
have to work
I don't want to be cut my neck when I left on my own stupid Julie
what do you think about down when you can kind of see where a job is going do
you think it's a big thing exactly that that sometimes means it's the comics
fault with old jokes you know where it's going because that's why they're old
hmm you know it's a new comedians always if I can if I tell your joke and you can
see where it's going it means I'm telegraphing the joke which at which a
comedian is not supposed to do you try not to do that right because if you
Telegraph it's called telegraphing it's a punchline
because if you do that somebody like this has happened in our shows we have
those people together yeah they punch like it's too easy so
you have to blindside with the premise you have to be a little more vague and
you can't mention the punchline word in the premise darling so I'm gonna sample
you're getting just a ticket favorite sorry we still have a lot of time
this guy's really good this is they don't have haircuts like this anymore
Wow
there's another one
guy comes home sees his neighbor nude
running through the bushes he goes hey Joe what are you doing nude in my bushes
and Joe goes what are you doing home 45 minutes early
I could do some of my stuff that I just did because it's already out there now
they didn't stay so I got down
there you go
this is like a presidential haircut I mean this is like what do they think I
am do they know I live in Nagoya I'm not visiting so here's some stuff I already
did so it's already out there okay in my spare time I tried to take up writing so
what I try to do is have some friends to write screenplays so I try to write part
of a screenplay and the first draft of your screenplay is called a pilot and I
try to write a new pilot every week and it's been eight weeks and not one of
those guys has written me back
okay I'll pay up here
so is having argument with the girlfriends
that she wanted to continue her school and I said I have my reasons but I don't
want you to do that I want you to stay here with me and so because the first
reason technically kindergarten isn't really school so
so bad well it's my last joke you're gonna call me I need to do a strong run
at the end for a change you know I'm holding the strong
I actually had more of a beard in December but I had to shave nears Day
special requests
I can't talk right now
so my wife's not that's right
to do this before he gets tonight no my wife's not that bright when she watches
TV 60 minutes on TV it takes her two hours and I'm not saying she's a
complete idiot because there are some parts missing
you know the scratch because it's easy to buy
hey this
so guys married for 50 years his wife drops dead because so if you know he's
crying and so depressed it's something she comes back from the dead they live
another 10 years she drops dead again go back to the second funeral he's crying
they carry her out in the casket
and the first time they did that they had dropped it we've brought it back to
life and they went into the wall and they bumped the casket fell over she
came back to life but another fuck another five years and
then she dropped that again and at the third funeral he's crying and upset and
as they're carrying her out in the casket he said watch out for the wall
so check us out Nagoya Nagoya comedy Tom Sequoia comedy calm
we're comics every month new material come see us
okay I can't hear you he's still in my ears
now
we have time for one more yeah this would be the last one
you probably heard the story about the the frog and the scorpion this is a
little bit different the frog and the Scorpion there's a frog near the Nile
the Scorpion wants to cross and the Frog that's getting ready to cross the Frog
can swim across but the Scorpion can't scorpion of course asked the Frog if
you're going across the Nile would you take me to and the Frog a lot of people
heard this story Frog said no because you're a scorpion and you will sting me
and we're both gonna die in the middle of the Nile both gonna drown if you
sting though so I can't take your cross and the Scorpion said hey man this
Scorpion said why would I do that he's got to look this Christian said why
would I do that we're both gonna die I'm not gonna do
that so the Frog takes the Scorpion on its back half way through the Nile to
get halfway exactly and this scorpion stings the Frog the fuck that's what I
thought you said you were gonna do that and the Scorpion said well you know this
is the Middle East we both have to die
this is where kind of boy so I've never had such great shape
it's it's about that boy I partied in Sioux style
very much it's more to do the Senate so the zoo tano - Ali a little
cazuli get bogged down in honey cause it would kill your mother
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