For example, I want to talk to a woman I like
I've never seen her before, I want to flirt with her.
I think that I am short, I'm going to express myself, to tell her something
whatever it is, whatever dumb thing it is.
The most of you are women here, so you understand.
So, what happens at that moment?
May be that this particular woman, that particular girl, got fired
had a quarrel with her friend or have been in a car crash
and that, made her reject us.
And since she rejects me, what happens? I will say that this happened, she rejected me because I'm short.
As a result, another truth about me being revealed
the truth which I try to keep hidden.
When we do not express our intentions, we are afraid
and we will talk about fear.
What? A rejection or some kind of rejection.
But why a rejection bothers us so much? -It damages our selfishness, our narcissism.
Of course, because rejection is a kind of negative criticism
which confirms a personal insecurity that we have.
Of course, it is not that easy but also it is not that difficult
what the most of us are doing? We live in our expectations.
We do not want to get out of the comfort zone
we want it to be done, way too fast.
We imagine that they are not only saying a "NO" but all that has been repressed
for a long time and they are telling us everything at the same time.
Imagine, it is very difficult of course, it is impossible to happen
a boss, who haven't paid you for a long time, two or three months
and not only that he haven't paid you
but also constantly loads you with more activities.
Imagine, for one day, you could say anything you want, anything you want to tell him
without any impacts. A dream eh?
Well, at that moment you would not speak calmly to him
there will be oppressed feelings that will come out.
Many times we are getting oppressed more and more
and when the time to express comes, a "machine gun" starts firing
and it is not only not productive for us, but also for the others
Because until that moment we have shown a different person
we showed him someone who is OK "Does what he says".
and suddenly he sees something different he sees a different kind of truth.
We will also talk about revealing the truth.
Because that is where human relationships can be seen
there is the crossroads, the revelation of the truth.
We reveal the consequences of truth to ourselves
and that's where the game starts.
Because there are many parts of ourselves that we do not know
Because, another piece of yourself will come and you will say:
"Why you have been oppressing so long
why did you say yes, while you wanted to say no, why?"
Because it is not easy to take the responsibility, it is not easy to say:
"I will take the responsibility to express what I want"
It is other's fault, whom is oppressing me.
I'm not telling you to start breaking up or cursing, you understand that.
We are talking about quality communication
quality communication without doses of truth, does not exist!
Good guy or what do we say? It is not a bad thing to be a good guy.
In my life, the people who supported me and remained next to me
were good guys, the rest retreated.
But when you are good, without conditions the others can see you as weak
and try to take advantage
of your goodness to tender continually and that is a problem.
Being good with terms - it's nice being good with the ability of expression.
How many times in your life you did something good and what you got back
had nothing to do with what you expected.
How many times have we done something good and not only that we did not get anything back
we got the opposite, we got something disgusting.
How a good guy is being created, we have mentioned the internal criticism.
The good guy makes a contract with himself, and what does he say?
I will be overactive, I will make sacrifices I will feel meticulously correct
in order not to blamed for anything and to avoid any kind of rejection or criticism
not to be abandoned or to lack acceptance.
Would someone tell me, if you can, if you want to
what is the number one thing you would like to say to your spouse or husband
but you are constantly afraid for some reason to express it.
It's not easy, ok, in front of the audience it is not easy, is there anyone?
-Tell us! -You are not enough for me.
Do not tell it like that, do not tell it I can understand it completely.
Nice and as she tells us, congratulations that requires courage, it's not easy.
The lady here, tells us:
"I want to tell my husband that he is not enough for me"
Let me also ask, to become a little more interactive.
Have you said it again? Have you said it before? I am checking if you heard the question.
Well, if we say it once, then ...
Nice, would you like to share with us, why you have not told it
or you may have showed behaviors that show it.
-If it pressures you, you do not have to continue. -There is no problem.
I am afraid that I will make the things worse.
-What do you think it could be? -That we will break up completely.
I'm trying to show him, in a certain way that he has to do other things.
Not material, emotional.
Surely not, well, nice, do you think that he can do them?
-I do not know. -Well.
You can see here, there is a hypothetical scenario
which, I could say that this hypothetical scenario will be purgative.
-I should tell it? -Tell it, yes.
-Just look, when ... -In a way?
The way, of course, if we say from the beginning "you are not enough"
He will collapse, both metaphorically and literally.
Well, at that moment when we do not express our intentions, it is getting perpetuated
we think of a hypothetical scenario and what can happen.
But listen, when we reveal the truth, what do we do?
We make the other to reveal his own.
So if I say:
-You are not enough for me. -Neither you are for me.
Oh, Oh, wait a bit, but we've been together for so long, did we delay it too much? What happened?
And a conversation begins, if you are willing to talk about it
if you are willing to see what will really happen – something very positive will come out of it.
If the other cannot stand the truth, it is good to tell carefully.
We were out with a man, because it's a part of our program.
And he is a known man, he is a doctor, faces difficult situations
and wants to interact with two girls.
What to do, one is not enough.
So there I tell him: "Tell me", to learn to talk
if you do not talk, if the other does not do the first step, who will do it?
Will the woman come to talk to him? It cannot happen.
If this will start happening, then "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" will appear
Well, after that, we are lost completely like we aren't now... Anyway...
And you say to me: "I cannot, I cannot", why, tell me
"I CAN NOT", when we do not explain what happens to us, quickly
"You know, I cannot because I am afraid of that", means that
there is a constraint behind, we cannot explain it.
So we are not aware of this.
He tells me, "I cannot," I ask him: "Why? Tell me the reason?" "I cannot, because they will tell that I am a womanizer."
So, you want to tell me that the hypothetical view they can form for you
is more important, than the view you have for yourself?
It is hypothetical, look, hypothetical but it also determines his value.
He will remain inactive, he will not do the first step
in any kind of relationships.
He will not do the first step to say: "I like you" -I do not like what you do.
-I want. -I do not want.
And the more we do not assert what we want
the more our mind begins to believe that we do not worth it.
As a result, reducing our self-confidence
the less you assert, the less you are for yourself.
Because we are living in days of "Quiet despair", after some point.
So you say something like: "Do I worth more?"
"But why I do not have more?", "Why cannot I assert more?"
Because, nobody does the first step, there is no way to get out of the comfort zone
and go 10 levels towards there, it cannot be done by our mind. 137 00:10:14,797 --> 00:10:17,5 31 Because the expectations that you want something to be done right
or the fears that it may go wrong create an Everest in front of you.
And you say, "You know, since the Everest grew up, whatever happens, I will crash"
It is at the time when self-confidence is built we have told in the beginning, the successes
with something that is called The Winner Effect.
That tells you what? "Yes my friend you want successes, yes, you want victories"
But they will not come by themselves they must be small, many and controlled
That's how you build self-confidence.
In about 2005, I wanted to improve myself on the erotic part, on the part of flirting.
Obviously, because I was a "brick" in communication
I couldn't get better, I could not speak.
The first thing I told after the first rejections, what was it?
It is my fault for everything, obviously.
The next I did, what was it? It was women's fault, of course.
They want money, you must have a social status.
To figure out that the number one attractive feature
is how you feel with yourself, it brings a huge pain
and you decide to do what?
And you say in the beginning: "You know, yes, I start expressing"
I can express myself, assert what I want in a totally wrong way
but it requires action, to develop the way you flirt
the way you try, the way you assert
the way you think: What is the next thing that will come?
Because, whatever comes next, changes.
You cannot evolve, if you do not gain pain resistance
or as we say very well, for example, to people who want to flirt.
You have to learn to feel comfortable rather than feel uncomfortable.
Listen to your feelings, be aware of them
but do not react to them, shift your attention towards to what you want
It has to be done continuously, it is a matter of awareness
is the ability to be in present.
Because constantly, the brain what it is? It is a predictive and evaluative engine.
We are constantly thinking about the future what will happen next.
Of course, the way we think of the future reveals
and many pieces of our personality.
Well, if you are thinking of the worst
you may be thinking the best, difficult, it requires practice.
Continue shifting your concentration.
Because every time you resist the pressure
you become stronger to go to the next levels.
There is no roof for our abilities there is no roof in what we can do.
-Thank you very much, take care! -Thank you.
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