5 Reasons Why It Is Challenging To Set Healthy Boundaries
The process of boundary setting and perhaps taking space in relationship or breaks is
an important one related to our ascension process and arisement of our 5D self as every
relationship we are in is an energy exchange.
It is a key aspect of growing and arising into our soul self as every energy we engage
with is a reflection of us.
This process of sorting through relationships and setting and BEing boundaries is an aspect
of the transition and awakening into your 4D self from the 3D self.
I feel setting a healthy boundary with someone in a relationship as being about the sense
that we can no longer be in relationship with them or we need space from the relationship
because it isn�t healthy or self loving for us to do so or because we just don�t
have the reSOULance value ground to BE in relationship any longer (even as love remains).
A �porous� boundary would be one that is open to being changed if the person changes
or if the ground of the relationship becomes healthier through inner healing work, soul
awakenings, or shifts and choices that happen.
Every boundary has a door, just as every fence has a gate.
Healthy boundary setting can be done with an open heart, with love and compassion for
both the person and ourselves, and before the relationship reaches high levels of toxicity
or codependency that is harmful to both sides.
This is challenging in our culture, however, and most people struggle a lot with this and
how to BE with it.
Why is it so challenging to set boundaries with people in relationships, even when the
level of abuse and toxicity is obvious to us?
There are many possible answers to this question that could be applied in a universal way even
as every individual situation is different.
1) One of the reasons it is so challenging to set and BE in healthy boundaries is because
most of us received no modeling on how to do or be this with our caregivers AND we weren�t
�allowed� to set any boundaries with our families prior to adulthood.
We are such sponges, absorbing all the energies and emotional tones of our families as we
grow up.
By the time we are teenagers, we are so filled up with these tones and energies that part
of us begins to rebel against what we had no choice in absorbing, which is a form of
boundary setting.
Some of us continue this rebellion until adulthood and eventually our boundary setting with family
may end up being a complete push away or break from them for a phase of time or for life.
Most of us are not invited to set boundaries with our family members and we wouldn�t
anyway because of our food and shelter needs that they provide.
3D conditioning is that we are required to deal with whatever we are given or however
we are treated without advocating or defending ourselves and without the opportunity to say,
�No�.
So, we learn how to live with what we inherited and the cost to the expression of our authentic
self and the development of the ability to set boundaries out of self love is hugely
impacted.
Basically, we literally have �no idea� how to set healthy boundaries because we didn�t
�see� and �learn� how to do it from our families.
2) This leads into the second reason, which is that we don�t have enough self love or
core self worth to lead this navigation of boundary setting.
In my awakening and healing process called SoulFullHeart, core self worth is something
that emerges after much processing with the parts of us who don�t find us worthy and
yet are tasked with protecting and defending us, such as our inner punisher-critic, our
controller-protector, our inner matriarch-patriarch, etc.
These parts of us have developed as internal voices and energies inside of us because of
the energies and tones we took in from our caregivers.
It is actually an aspect of our self-defense structure to develop these parts of us that
keep the messages running that we �are not worthy of love� or �are unlovable� or
�are crazy� or whatever the message is.
These parts are actually trying to keep us safe by knocking us down first before someone
else does (which is what happened in childhood) or before we get too �big� and do unsafe
things.
I know this sounds strange, but over eleven years of working with people in subpersonality
work, I have seen this over and over again.
And, of course, I have felt this in myself.
Without an innate sense of core self worth and self love, it is very difficult to say
�no� to unhealthy frequencies.
Saying �no� means that we are saying �yes� to what nourishes us and that we feel that
we are worth it.
3) Boundary setting can be challenging because we don�t know which ones to set and which
part of us is doing it.
Sometimes it can feel like we are setting healthy boundaries because part of us has
said �no� to something or a relationship and is shutting it out, but it actually IS
necessary for us to go into it or it could lead to our next growth place to go into it.
Parts of us (the protector-controller again primarily) actually like saying �no!�
but it can be misdirected and misplaced.
This part of us can say �no� to people who are trying to help us by no longer enabling
us or by bringing us a tough truth that we don�t want to see.
Or this part of us can say, �no� to changes that we need to make or tough conversations
that we need to have that could bring conflict and more changes.
So, this can be a confusing ground to navigate and asking, �Which part of me wants this
boundary and why?� is a very important one.
4) Boundary setting can make us look �bad� or �not nice.� For the parts of us that
care about our self-image or how others perceive us, it can be very uncomfortable if we are
judged by the person (or others) that we are setting the boundary with as mean or not nice.
We are so conditioned in our culture around �being nice� and that it is a �good
thing��..even as most relationships, if you go deeper, have a layer of toxicity and
falseness in them that has nothing to do with being �nice�.
Many people would rather preserve the self image of being nice even with someone who
is NOT nice with them and actually treats them badly.
This behavior pattern has usually been strongly modeled by one of our parents or both of them.
5) It�s challenging and nearly impossible to set boundaries with others if we haven�t
set them with parts of ourselves.
This is a crucial aspect of parts process work: learning when to set a boundary with
a part of us when we identify and feel that we don�t want their behavior to continue
because it is isn�t self loving.
We literally have to set a boundary with them as the 5D arising Higher Self sometimes in
order to be �bigger� than the part of us.
For example, we feel love for the inner punisher even as we set a boundary with this part of
us to stop beating us down with self judgments.
Or we have to say �no� to certain things which parts of us use to keep us numb to our
deeper feelings.
Our growing 4D and 5D self learns to do this in a loving way that is both strong and open.
When parts of us feel this energy of healthy boundary setting arise in us, they lean into
it.
They have been waiting for it our whole lives and parts of us become relieved because finally
an �adult� is home to say what is nourishing and healthy and what is not.
Boundary setting transforms relationships, either by closing them down for a period of
time or by opening them up to something new.
In my experience, both sides benefit from healthy and porous boundary setting, even
if one side is leading it (which is usually the case.)
Boundary setting doesn�t have to be a �one time� thing in relationships with a dramatic
declaration and big fallout, although that is often what happens if it hasn�t been
done consistently.
In healthy and authentic relationships, boundary setting is something that is being talked
about and negotiated, something that just happens organically and, in an intimate relationship,
sometimes several times a day.
And, it is porous�meaning it shifts and changes based on the current conditions.
It can be porous if both people are working on healing their hearts through inner work
and if they are dedicated and committed to serving the LOVE in the relationship.
And it feels like in relationships that are mostly based in 5D consciousness frequencies,
boundary setting is not even necessary as the Oneness connection and soul ground flows
between the relationships in most moments.
Letting go of what doesn�t nourish us in relationships (or in ANY area of our lives),
allows us to let in what really DOES�.it makes space for more LOVE to arise inside
of us
and in our lives.
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