[ Rhythmic clapping ]
What would you rather have --
seven years of bad sex or seven years of bland food?
-Woman #1: Food. -Woman #2: Food.
Yeah?
Nah, brah, I can't eat wack food for seven years, man.
I'll beat my dick for seven years.
♪♪
Hey! Yesterday, Trumpito had lunch
with a delegation of African leaders,
and he was very cordial and polite,
and he pronounced everything correctly.
Psych! No, he didn't!
He came in. He was like, "Wow.
Looks like Harlem in here."
"Yo, what's poppin'? Yo, what's shakin'?
Yo, you niggas got the scented oils on decky?
Yo, I need some black soap. Holla at me.
What's good? Yo, anybody braiding hair in here?"
He's like, "Yeah. You know Ben Carson, right?
He's like, "Hey, Bo Jackson, nice to meet you.
I'm a huge fan.
Yo, this is amazing.
Oh, man. Yo, Pele! I love you."
He's like, "You have no idea who I am.
fuckin' piece of shit."
"Let's hurry up. Sit down, eat some fufu.
[ Laughs ] Yo.
He's like, "I'm not learning no names."
He's like, "Yo..."
He's like, "Yo, Gabi, Mugabu. Yeah, whatever.
"Happy Kwanzaa day to you, too, my guy."
Word up. Bumbumtu. All that shit."
He's like, "Yo, my sister, I'm on you.
I support your natural journey."
And it is a great honor to introduce to you
our 45th president of the United States,
Donald J. Trump.
The "J" stands for "jerk-off."
Donald Trump rubbed the stump like it was the Apollo.
He's like, "Yeah. Brings me good luck."
Yo, homey didn't give him no -- Yo, run that back.
Everybody's clapping. He ain't clapping.
He's like, "Yo, clap, nigga. Stop...playin' me.
I'm the...president, nigga. Stop playin'.
-"Come on. Clap. -Yo, clap, you...clown."
He's like, "No...you, nigga."
And I'm greatly honored to host this lunch,
to be joined by the leaders of Côte d'Ivoire, Ethiopia,
Ghana, Guinea, Nambia, Nigeria, Senegal.
Whoa. Whoa. Wait. Wait. Wait.
What was that? Nambia?
Nigga, that sounds like... some genital-care product.
I feel like Donald Trump got an early copy of "Black Panther."
Oh, shit!
He's seeing it the country before we see it.
I see you guys! Little comic nerd.
But look. He...up. There's a country named Zambia,
and there's a country named Namibia.
But not Nambia, my guy.
That sounds like some shit that helps you go to sleep at night.
You...idiot.
I'm sure Nambia was just a one-off mistake.
He just did that one time. Yeah, nah, nah, nah.
In Guinea and Nigeria,
you fought a horrifying Ebola outbreak.
Nambia's health system is increasingly self-sufficient.
Where is that, nigga?
Is it like Atlantis, nigga? Is it under the water?
Everyone at the table was like...
Nobody stood up and was like, "Yo, it's Namibia, nigga!
Put some...respect on my name!"
No, they was just cracking up. "This guy doesn't know shit."
"Stupid as shit."
Then Trump had some good news for his new friends.
He was like, "Everyone gets a do-rag."
You know what I mean?
Africa has tremendous business potential.
"Amazing."
I have so many friends
going to your countries trying to get rich.
Uh-oh.
I congratulate you. They're spending a lot of money.
That didn't end up so well the last time, my guy.
Maybe we don't do that again?
Fam, what are you...
Like, I don't want your friends -
Are your friends coming by boat?
'Cause... Yo! Come on.
I'm just gonna ixnay that, my guy.
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
After his lover fest on the Emmys,
where liberals gave him the wild...
[ Slurps ]
...you know, dick-flute solo,
Sean Spicer gave his first post-White House interview
to "Good Morning America."
"Good Morning America" has had some strong interviews this week.
Shout-out to them. Not stronger than this show, though!
Never. Nothing but illustrious guests.
Ah, remember this?
Just normalizing white supremacy.
This will be the largest audience
to witness an Emmys, period!
Have you spoken with the president about your cameo?
-I have. -And what did he say?
He was very supportive. He thought I did a great job.
And so it was very reassuring.
Desus: Did he really? Or is he lying again?
Yeah, he's definitely -- He might be lying.
People have hard feelings towards you
because they feel that you lied to the American people.
Have you ever lied to the American people?
I don't think so.
Mero: "I don't think so." "I don't recall."
Desus: "I don't know her. I didn't lie."
Yo! Nigga did the Lil Wayne deposition.
He was like, "Nah, don't try to Kevin Hart me out here."
"I don't know."
Faris: Unequivocally you can say no? I -- I --
Look, again, you want to find something --
I have not knowingly done anything to do that, no.
Ohh. Circling. Circling.
-Fam! -Backtracking.
When he begins that, he looks to the side.
That's how you know he's lying. I don't think so.
Mero: What was the first thing he said, though, in that statement?
That's his tell. He says that every time.
Faris: Unequivocally you can say no?
I -- I -- Look, again...
"Look, again." Yo, when he says that shit. "Look, again.
I'm about to hit you with some wild-fugazy lies."
He said he did not "knowingly" lie.
That's why he was a good press secretary.
He's a good liar.
That's all he's good -- He's a liar.
That's your job. Embrace it, man.
Get a jersey that says "Liar 01" on the back or some shit.
I don't think so.
Last night, Axios reported
Sean Spicer could be the honeypot
for the Russia investigation.
Whoo! That's right. You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah, boy.
Ain't gonna be Dippin' Dots in jail, my guy.
-Oh, wow. -Mm-hmm.
To quote Stringer Bell, "Are you taking notes
on a criminal conspiracy, my nigga?"
Wow, B.
He's about to be Sean Snitcher, nigga, like, for real.
When "GMA" asked about the Russian investigation,
the Spiceman's friendly tone --
Remember he was in the bunny suit --
it changed.
Let's talk about the Russia issue,
which seems to be plaguing the presidency.
Has the Mueller team reached out to you at all?
I'm not going to discuss that issue at all.
Have you hired a lawyer?
I'm not gonna discuss that issue at all.
So you haven't been subpoenaed?
I'm not gonna discuss that issue at all.
Desus: She's smiling. She's like, "I got you, boy!"
Did you ever hear inside the White House
that Mueller should be fired?
I'm not gonna discuss that issue at all.
Desus: He was about to answer.
He was like, "Let me just give her a little something."
If you are approached, will you testify?
The White House has been very clear
that they're gonna be as cooperative as possible.
You're not under the auspices of the White House anymore.
I understand that, but I would do anything --
There's an issue of executive privilege,
and as long as that's not invoked,
I will do everything to do my part
to further this investigation.
Desus: Should've just said, "No comment."
-Why would you start talking? -He basically said --
Yo, he can't stand under the pressure.
-No, bro. -He gonna crack.
He's gonna snitch on everybody. He's gonna point people out.
Like, "Yo, it was Trump. It was Jill Stein, Putin."
"Rex Tillerson, too. I caught you jerking off in the bathroom."
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
[ Laughs ]
Newly woke Jimmy Kimmel is clapping back
at his people telling him to shut up about healthcare.
That's right. His third eye's open now.
You know what I'm sayin'? So respect that.
He became a big proponent of healthcare after he did
that whole speech about his child
and they need healthcare and such and such.
I don't know. I buy sneakers. I don't what it is we're talking about.
I also got some words that were not so nice,
particularly from our friends at "Fox & Friends."
Sunday's politically charged Emmys
may have been the lowest-rated in history,
but that's not stopping Hollywood elites
like comedian Jimmy Kimmel
from pushing their politics on the rest of the country.
Watch.
Thanks, Brian. That was Brian Kilmeade.
And the reason I found this comment to be particularly annoying
is because this is a guy, Brian Kilmeade,
who, whenever I see him,
kisses my ass like a little boy meeting Batman.
Oh, he's such a fan.
Ahh. He said your man's a fan, ma.
Wow.
He follows me on Twitter.
He asked me to write a blurb for his book,
which I did.
He calls my agent looking for projects.
Drag him!
He's dying to be a member of the Hollywood elite.
The only reason he's not a member of the Hollywood elite
is 'cause nobody will hire him to be one.
And, you know, the reason I'm talking about this
is because my son had an open-heart surgery
and has to have two more.
And because of that, I learned that there are kids
with no insurance in the same situation.
I don't get anything out of this, Brian,
you phony little creep.
Oh, I'll pound you when I see you.
-Yo, he's talking extra spicy. -Oh! Jimmy Kimmel!
-Jimmy! -Jimmy "The Hands" Kimmel.
-Yo. What? -What?!
Nigga put the extra hot sauce on that shit.
Brian, you phony little creep.
Oh, I'll pound you when I see you.
Yo. Time-out.
That's the most threatening a white guy can go.
"Oh, I'll really wallop ya."
Yo, my nigga, you gotta hold to that.
If you see Kilmeade on the ave,
you gotta snuff his shit, bro, for the culture. Stop playin'.
Brian's calling Hannity like, "Yo, let's ride on this nigga."
[ Laughter ]
That will be my blurb for your next book.
"Brian Kilmeade is a phony little creep."
That's right.
He kept it clean.
He should've been like, "He's a bitch nigga!"
"Bitch-ass nigga, nigga. ...you, nigga!"
"Pull up! Drop your pin, nigga!
You know what I mean?
Jimmy Kimmel gotta run up in the Fox News studio.
They gonna have a video of him getting dragged out by security.
Like, "Yo, come outside, though!"
"Yo, what's good? You wild-ass, nigga!"
-Did Brian respond in. No. -Hell no. He's buns.
No. It's quiet on his Twitter.
Yeah, bro. He's gonna tweet "Z" in like two days.
He's sitting at home. Shades are down.
Like, "Damn. Jimmy Kimmel got money on my head."
Nigga's calling Bill O'Reilly.
Bill O'Reilly's like, "...outta here, nigga."
Jimmy Kimmel, if you send us $5,000 each,
we'll jump Brian for you.
Straight up. Cash, though.
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Uh-oh! On-air meltdown alert.
MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell
had some technical issues the other day,
and somebody leaked out the video of the BTS.
That's behind the scenes. You know what I'm sayin'? If you're not in the industry.
what, you don't watch porn?
You don't watch porn? I was about to say.
That's literally where I learned what BTS meant.
I thought it was some other wild shit like --
And I was like, "Oh. Behind the scenes? Ohh."
...see how that one goes. Thank you, Rachel.
Well, today President Trump visited Texas,
but he forgot to bring any empathy with him.
But he did bring a hat...
a hat that is for sale.
Man: 15 page seconds.
Now he's getting tight.
What's going on? Why am I losing this?
Why don't I have sound?
All right. It's back.
Someone's pressing buttons and turning my sound off.
Who is -- Who's asking for a Labor Day rundown in my ear?!
[ Laughs ] Nigga. They're pressing your buttons.
Fuck.
[ Laughter ]
All right, I want to apologize to everyone on staff.
I know... this looks familiar.
You know if I don't get my lemonade cayenne pepper,
I be a little bit itchy in the morning.
Who knew Lawrence was all...
Yeah.
Get...
[ Laughs ] Yo!
Man: 10 seconds.
[ Laughter ]
Yo, he restrained the spaz. I respect it.
Man: 10 seconds.
"Agggh!" [ Laughs ]
Stop the hammering!
Stop the hammering out there!
Who's got a hammer?! Where is it?!
Yo, you got the hammer, nigga. That's what you acting like.
Holy shit.
Go up on the other floor!
Someone go up there and stop the hammering!
Stop the hammering!
O-kay. Relax.
Yo, they're newlyweds, guy. What do you want?
I'll go down to the goddamn floor myself and stop it!
Keep the goddamn commercial break going!
She was like, "Uh, here's the new script."
She was just like, "Uh, here you go, sir."
Stop the hammering! Stop the hammering!
She thought he was gonna turn around and be like,
"Get the...away from me!"
She ran away.
She was like, "Yo, I'm out.
You're not gonna yell at me...that.
I don't get paid enough for this shit."
She's like, "Yoink!"
Fam, she ran like there was gunfire, nigga.
Like, "Oh, shit."
...out-of-control shit!
He's getting -- He's super-tight.
Ungh!
Jesus Christ!
Crazy...sound coming in my ear.
This fucking stupid hammering!
It just fucking sucks!
It...sucks to be out here with this out-of-control shit.
Wow. They should let him curse on his show.
It'd be a much more interesting show.
This is the Lawrence the people want to see.
Any...thing can come in on my ear at any moment.
That's what I know.
Anybody can get into my fuckin' ear at any time.
Yo. Yo!
Yo, Larry. We got to start calling him Larry now and shit.
Larry O.D., nigga.
Gonna have to take a couple shots to relax.
Shit, bro. Come on, dawg.
You ever saw Mike Francesa's meltdown
when they wouldn't turn his mic up?
But I thought your answer was outstanding.
Thank you.
Coming from you, that means a lot. Obviously.
Francesa: Put my mic on!
[ Laughter ]
Relax, Mike. Mike, chill. Other people are talking.
Drink some more Splenda. You'll be a'ight.
Thank you. Coming from you, that means a lot. Obviously.
-He's trying to get in there. -Put my mic on!
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Number-one show in late night. Nothing but illustrious guests.
That's right, my pals. Tonight we got Victor Oladipo.
He's an NBA guard for the Indiana Pacers,
and his debut single, "Song For You,"
is out right now.
-Victor, come to the table! -You know what I'm sayin'?
♪♪
How's it going, Victor? Got the new single in stores.
What's it looking like in the streets right now?
It's looking pretty good, man,
especially for my first go-around.
You know, people like it.
Some people might not like it. But who cares.
I'm just doing well for myself.
When people found out you had the ability to sing,
did they take it seriously at first
or they thought you were gonna sing some hood shit?
Yeah, yeah. They thought I was playin'.
♪ Just in case ♪
-Something like that. -You know what I'm sayin'?
No, they be thinking I rap or something.
But, no, I'm not a rapper.
You know, I can sing a little bit.
So I'm just sharing it with the world.
If you could start a rap group, not a rap group,
but a music group -- I guess like NBA City High...
[ Laughter ]
...what NBA rappers would you team up with?
♪ What would you do if your team was on the road? ♪
NBA rappers I would team up with?
Damian Lillard, obviously. I guess Iman.
-There you go. -I guess that's the way to go.
That's the new Migos right there.
Do you ever get into it with the fans on social media?
No, people can say what they want.
Yeah, it's funny 'cause they saying what they want,
but I'm not saying nothing to them.
I don't even know who they are most of the time.
-Ooh. See? -Bloop.
-You ever block any people? -You can say what y'all want.
Nah. It don't matter. It don't matter.
What's your usual fan interaction?
Is it usually positive? Are you getting yelled at?
I'm getting all types of stuff.
Yelled at, positive.
"Why you singing? You need to be focused on basketball."
I can see myself doing that at the mall
like, "Yo! Stop singing, nigga."
"Yo, my man, come on, B. Get out the studio.
Man, come on. We already got Trey Songz."
[ Laughter ]
What's the party scene like in Indiana?
There is none.
[ Laughter ]
We was gonna say. Like, you played college ball there.
What's it like to go back? You know what I'm sayin'?
And see all the shorties that you knew in college
that's washed now?
Nah.
[ Laughter ]
Getting messy over here. He's like, "Nah, nah, nah."
Nah. I go back. It's cool.
There ain't no party scenes for real.
The campus is 45 minutes from where I be living.
So I ain't gonna be there very much.
Plus, those guys are young now.
-Yeah. -It might be dangerous to go...
That's true. You're from PG County.
-Best county in the world. -Henh!
Everyone that comes on the show is from PG County.
Facts. Best county in the world.
Best county in the world.
What's the D.C. strip-club scene like?
Shout-out to The House.
The House? I don't think --
Oh. Stadium.
Stadium. They got that thing on the roof.
I don't know. I ain't been there
in a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time.
They got, like, a swing on the roof.
I don't even know what's going on over there.
-Hey. -You know what I mean?
But it's a nice little club.
My best friend actually used to manage over there,
so I used to get in there free.
-Who? Clarence? -No. My man Keith.
-We'll talk after. -All right.
[ Laughter ]
What's the most money you've seen lost
during a bet during practice?
No names. You know what I'm sayin'? Just let us know.
Um...
'Cause we're hearing that big money is bet at practices.
Somebody bet 10K a spot -- around the world and back.
So 10K -- That's $100,000, yeah.
Whew. Damn, bro. I could use that.
I think we all could.
Pay off a quarter of my house and shit.
And they had to bring the check the next day.
-Ooh! Did he bring the check? -Yeah.
Homey called his accountant.
He's like, "Hey, listen. I need 100K."
"For what?!"
"I mean, some shit. Don't worry about it."
What is your most memorable dunk
you've done so far in your career?
My most memorable dunk?
That dunk that will always be with you.
Probably when I dunked on Dwight Howard.
Ooh! You know what I'm sayin'? Bro, you climbed that mountain.
You're like, "Get the...outta here!"
-Bring up that footage! -Yo. Watch this shit.
-Yeah, that shit was crazy. -Don't let your kids see this.
-Oh! -Ohh! Violation! Damn, son!
Check your clavicle, nigga. Shit might be shattered.
-Ungh! -Ohh! Ohh!
What'd you say after that?
I was just screaming. I was just screaming.
You ever been on the court
and you see a play, you see a foul
that should have been called and it doesn't get called for you
but it gets called for someone else,
do you have to say anything to the ref?
Do you just keep it to yourself or...?
I ain't trying to...your money up.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, no. Yeah. I just keep it to myself, man.
I might say something every once in a while to the refs,
but those who get their calls get their calls.
It is what it is, man. You just gotta keep playing, man.
You play hard, bro, some day they give you them calls.
Exactly!
You got the good meter training, man.
I respect that.
Yo, listen. This hurts me in my heart.
They ranked Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks 64th.
They ranked me 78th.
They ranked you 78? Wow! So they're clearly buggin'.
They're trippin' like big shoes.
So, when you see people who don't play the sport
ranking you...?
I have no respect.
All due respect, I have no respect.
[ Laughter ]
-Yo! -So, what's next?
After the basketball, what else you working on?
-More music? -Yeah, more music.
My EP come out October 6th. So that's gonna be crazy.
I got seven songs on there.
Every time I got free time, I'm in the studio.
So who knows what else is coming next.
Is there somebody you want to collaborate with?
Like a Rihanna?
Taylor Swift would be crazy.
-Oh, that would. -Yeah. Word.
-That's a whole new lane. -We out here!
That's doing numbers. That's doing numbers.
-Yeah, it's crazy. -Ohh.
♪♪
What would you like your rainbow to say?
"Feathery." You want me to explain why?
-Yeah, yeah. -Yes.
"Feathery" is a word me and my friends came up with
growing up in PG County.
Shout-out to PG County.
And I feel like everybody can relate to it.
It's like the greatest of all goods.
It's better than better. It's better than great.
But it's not heavenly. It's featherly.
And I feel like any and everybody can relate.
When you hear the word "feathery,"
you think of something light and positive.
You know what I mean?
I think it can, you know, really impact
people's lives in a feathery way.
-So live your feathery life. -Henh!
-Give it up for Victor. -Yeah!
"Song For You" out now!
-PG County, stand up. Ahh-ahh! -[ Trills tongue ]
♪♪
-Shout-outs. -Shout-outs.
Shout-out to Kevin Hart just acting like that shit never happened.
Listen. It's the twitter law.
Tweet through it, don't acknowledge it,
keep your life going. That's it.
We're all riding on horses, baby.
Why should we be judged for past indiscretions?
Come on. It's in the Dominican constitution. Never admit shit.
So, here he is, you know, He's like, "Listen, IG.
I know you're concerned about my family and my wife's happiness.
Here we are unbothered.
Stay in your lane. Worry about yourself.
You know what I mean?
Look. See? Here's me. Do I look bothered?
Do my kids look bothered? Does my rib look bothered?
No! Okay?
It's all good in the Hart house.
Why don't you worry about your own house?"
-Damn. -Look at him.
He's like, "Yo, if I got hit, where's my scratches at? Nope."
"Where they at, though?"
You know what I'm sayin'? He don't care.
Everyone else is like, "Kevin, you got to stay off."
He was like, "Nope. I'm gonna be on here.
Y'all gonna see my face. I'm-a show you."
"I'm turning comments off."
He's like, "I'm Kevin Hart. Ain't nothing you can say.
My bank account's too hefty, baby."
TMZ dropped more details today.
Kevin and Eniko are dropping serious cash
for a "Lion King"-themed shower -- a baby shower --
at Calamigos Beach Club in Malibu.
You need that. You need that.
Yo, if you don't have a chimp in a diaper at your baby shower,
did you even have a baby shower?
My nigga Bubbles don't come through,
is this shit really poppin'?
Was this planned before the TMZ stuff or...?
I feel like this was maybe
a $25,000 shower before the TMZ stuff.
And she was like, "I want a...chimp in a diaper, nigga!
I want 10 of them!
Yeah, they kicked it up.
-...asshole, trying to play me." -Six figures.
♪♪
Yo, shout-out to my brother who thought it was mad-cool
to take me to college bars on a Thursday night.
'Cause I went up to him. Shout-out to Binghamton.
And it was me --
Shout-out to Heather, my beautiful wife.
We went out there.
And...for the first time --
That was her first time meeting my brother,
so we went to his little frat house or whatever.
And niggas was just smoking mad hookah,
drinking mad rum out the bottle like, "Ahh."
I got wild-belligerent, yo.
And then my brother got wild-belligerent
and took his shirt off and was just like,
"Yo, I'll... all y'all niggas up!"
And I was like, "Bro, chill, bro.
We in Binghamton, nigga. We're not on Tremont.
You're bugging, bro. We're gonna get...lynched out here."
Disgraceful.
Got wild buns that night, though.
Weren't you with your wife?
Yeah. That's buns, nigga. Buns is buns.
It don't matter if it's monogamous buns.
Wife buns ain't buns, nigga.
That's buns, nigga. You stupid? That ain't buns.
When you reach a certain comfort level with your wife,
you're doing shit that shorty that you met at the bar is not gonna do.
You know what I'm sayin'? I'm gonna leave it at that.
I don't know if this nigga's on SoulSwipe or what.
Listen. You got to look your wife in the face every morning.
I don't.
I mean, within reason. You know what I'm sayin'?
I'm not into no weird shit. That might be it.
That's the mother of your children. There's certain shit you can't do to her.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not into no weird shit. I don't do butt stuff.
-Don't judge. -No kink shaming.
What you do is what you do. Don't worry about it.
No kink shaming, but I'm not putting that robot up my ass.
Some of us pay that extra deposit on the hotel room,
knowing we're gonna ruin shit.
[ Laughter ]
Maid come in like, "Oh, my God.
The maid come in like, "No!"
What is this?! Oh, that's kakke!"
You walk in that room, you feel like you're in the beginning
of "Law & Order: SVU."
"Yo, why's there blood on the wall, B? What is this?"
♪♪
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