[ Rhythmic clapping ]
They canceled, yeah, the date.
Yeah. Trump ghosted him. I knew it was gonna happen.
How many of us have said we were gonna go somewhere
and then canceled at the last minute?
Yeah, Trump is very...like that.
It was brunch. It was like, you know --
You in the club. People like, "Yo, let's do brunch on Saturday."
You're like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Saturday morning, you're like, "Get the...outta here."
"I felt a wonderful dialogue was building up between you and me,
and ultimately, we fell in love.
Some day, I look very much forward to meeting you"
Is this an episode of "Catfish"?
"In the meantime, I want to thank you for the release
of the hostages who are now home with their families.
If you change your mind
having to do with this most important summit,
please do not hesitate to call me or write."
Did we send North Korea a breakup letter?
Yo. That was the Dear John. Like, "Yo, I'm outta here."
Wow. Is this normal?
Didn't we used to have diplomats that we'd send?
Now he's just writing handwritten notes on the back of napkins?
He's at Taco Bell like, "Yo, my bad, B."
It's got the Fire hot-sauce stain on the bottom.
♪♪
-Oh, shit! It's Mikey! -We got an update!
Mikey Rotondo!
♪ Mister I don't wanna grow up ♪
Michael Rotondo, the 30-year-old who sued his parents
because they want him to get the...outta their house.
-"Michael!" -"Get outta here!"
-Was on CNN yesterday. -Of course he was.
While his parents were changing the locks.
They was like, "He's gone! Do it!"
Eight years of free room and board is long enough.
That is the feeling of an upstate New York couple
who has been trying to kick their 30-year-old son
out of their house.
Michael, welcome.
-Hi. -Hi.
-Hi. Uh... -Hi.
[ Laughs ] Yo. Wow.
Your man has never had an interaction with a woman in his life.
He looks like a "Silkroad"-ass motherfucker, too.
[ Laughter ]
That's his address -- 69 Silk Road.
...some mushrooms, and a rocket launcher.
So, let me start with you're 30.
-Uh... -Right.
[ Laughs ] "Let me start with you're a bum-ass nigga.
This is the worst date ever.
Let me start with...boi!"
Looking at the phone like, "Uh, you're 30?"
The simplest question --
do you not want to find your own place?
No.
[ Laughter ]
All right, Michael. All right.
You're not working with us here.
Yo, fam.
I braced myself for the long explanation.
-Nah. "No." -Wow.
"Free Go-Gurt all day.
I'm already here. Why would I leave?"
Why would I leave? I got a twin bed, you know.
I got a rag I jerk off into. What else does a guy need?"
It's very tense. It's very awkward. It's...
I mean, you're 30. You should've moved out.
Yo. Come on.
You're still sleeping in your racing-car bed.
Your parents are like, "Get outta here."
-Do you have a job? -Uh...
"Uh..." -- No, nigga. Just say no.
-That's a yes-or-no question. -Come on.
He saw the guy yesterday. What was his name? Viggers?
He's like, "Let me stall for time."
-Are you working on that? -Uh...
This is like when you're going through it,
and your girlfriend is fed up, and she's like, "Yo.
Again? Just another afternoon playing Xbox, Mero?
"I mean, I'm trying to rank up.
It's 4 p.m. I left some résumé paper out."
I got dreams. I'm trying to join the MLG.
You know what I'm sayin'? Like..."
-Here's the next thing. -Right.
I mean, hang -- Do you -- You know --
He's like, "Chill, chill, chill. Let me drink this free water."
[ Laughter ]
He just starts stuffing his face and shit.
She's talking. He's just like...
"All this food is free?"
"Oh, shit. Oh. Oh, shit. Chocolate Brownie CLIF bar?"
He's like, "Splenda, Splenda, Splenda."
Do you not want privacy, relationships, boyfriend,
girlfriend, friendships, space?
-I do want those things. -Yeah.
"I put a sock on my door when I jerk off.
That means, like, don't come in here.
"I mean, low-key, my mother's seen my dick before."
Like, hello. She cleaned it for her whole life."
They made me. Now they can watch me make a mess."
[ Laughter ]
How do we put 50 GoPros in this
and make their show the new show on Viceland?
Yo. For real.
I just want to watch them every day -- breakfast.
The parents are just eating breakfast like, "Here he...comes."
"Here, you asshole."
His dad's jerking off on his Toaster Strudel like, "Yeah.
Yeah, it's extra frosting, you prick."
Mother putting rat poison in his coffee.
-"Here you go, Michael." -"Here. Enjoy. Yeah."
He's gonna wake up to the smell of kerosene.
His parents are just gonna burn down the house.
He's gonna wake up tied to his bed like, "Uh, what's going on?"
...birthday cake, nigga.
Yeah. Fff!
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
-"The Washed Sports Report." -Hey.
The Red Rover, Lenny Dykstra, the former Mets player,
was arrested yesterday for having bad manners in an Uber.
Lenny Dykstra, from the era
when the Mets played with cocaine bats.
It was a good time. Everyone had a Jheri curl.
You were allowed to legally drink and drive.
Didn't he kill a cat in the dugout or some shit like that?
Former Mets star Lenny Dykstra
is facing charges this afternoon...
[ Laughs ] Yo. Look at my man's mugshot, bro.
-That's a washed mugshot. -Damn, bro!
...after a dispute with an Uber driver.
Dykstra was arrested early this morning
after the Uber driver pulled into the front
of the Linden Police headquarters.
The driver ran from the car and told police
that Dykstra put a gun to his head
and threatened to kill him
after he refused to drive him to a different location.
Okay. I just don't want you talking, but, I mean...
-What? -He probably was like,
"Yo, I could take the regular route or I could take the bridge."
He was like, "The bridge is $8, nigga!"
Yo. So he pulled a gun on an Uber driver?
Yeah. Uber driver was probably like,
"What do you do for a living?"
He was like, "You know what? This gonna be a quiet ride."
This gonna be a "shut the...up."
No weapon was found, but police said they did find
cocaine and other drugs with Dykstra.
You think?
Bro, this guy played for the '86 Mets.
Like, they all still have drugs on them.
He's probably made of cocaine at this point.
They allegedly found cocaine, weed, and molly on him.
The molly was in his butt.
"So I had to pull the strap!"
That is the truest statement ever.
Coming soon to E! [ Laughs ]
Can you bring up a picture of Lenny Dykstra in '85?
-Yeah, look. Brolic. -Yeah.
"Tough as Nails."
Shout-out to Miss Liebowitz, one of my grade-school teachers.
She had a huge crush on Lenny Dykstra, so...
That's what he used to look like.
Back in the day when he was buff
and making money and sniffing mad rails.
-Lifting cocaine barbells. -You know what I'm sayin'?
Two keys in each hand.
"Ah. Ah." Doing cocaine push-ups.
"Aah! [Snorts] Aah!"
Lenny Dykstra said the Uber took him hostage, right?
Can you go on Twitter and search "Uber Nigeria"?
A little video of what can happen to you in the Uberpool.
Woman: Jesus.
Jesus Christ! I'm going to die today.
-Yo! -Look on the hood of the car.
Yo! Is this from "Terminator"?
Yo! What the...?
Listen. Listen.
Shorty said, "I'm going to die today."
Jesus Christ. I'm going to die today.
That Uberpool says be out there in 2 minutes.
After that, I'm taking the phone charger, I'm talking the water,
I'm taking the air freshener.
"Give me all the...mints. ...outta here."
This is the wildest Uber video I've seen,
and I still would've gave the driver 4.9.
I'll be like, "All right. I got where I'm going."
He got him off the hood.
[ Rhythmic clapping ]
Yo, there's a lot of Kickstarters out there that are very terrible,
but we found the worst one ever, bro.
NARRATOR: The office can be an interesting place
when your co-workers have no chill.
I can already tell...
Right there, that's where I'm getting up.
I'm like, "Y'all not getting any money from me.
"Y'all ain't getting none of my money...outta here."
Impact font. Niggas stretched it out.
[ Laughter ]
They didn't even Rasta-rize it. What intern made this?!
Babe, I never said she was prettier than you.
It's the one that says "mute."
Isn't that insider trading?
Your job performance has been good,
but a lot of people just don't like working with you.
Guess what. These are all conversations I want to hear.
Yeah.
If these are the conversations, I'm lowering my headphones.
"Oh, shit. Who's getting fired?"
I heard that Courtney left with Trevor and Mike.
-"Yo. Courtney out here, dawg. -"Courtney's a wild thot.
You seen her at the Christmas party, though."
Yo, we could trizz. We could definitely trizz."
So if I plead guilty, I only have to do two years?
[ Dun-dun-dun! ]
Yo, that nigga got caught up with bricks. That's him snitchin'.
Walk past him like, "You rat bastard!"
Just stab him in the cafeteria.
With a spork.
"You testified on my uncle!"
Many things at the office should only be said privately.
Thanks, Greg Umhoefer.
Why did he invent this and not, like, hair plugs?
[ Laughter ]
I feel like that's where his creative vision should've been.
Come on, B. It's just one tuft on top of the head.
Like, get rid of that shit, bro.
Looks like his barber got distracted by a YouTube video.
But the only way to have a private call
is to get up and find somewhere quiet.
So I made it my mission to find a way to talk
so that people nearby can't hear you,
but the other person on the phone...
I thought it was a chamber pot. I'm gonna keep it funky.
You never see nothing cool 3D-printed.
Try to 3D-print some wild shit
like a sandwich...
The shit is just like...
"Err. Err." I'm like, "This shit's taking mad-long!"
15 hours later, you bite into it like,
"Aaah! This shit is plastic!"
Introducing BLOXVOX.
Designed to work with a pair of headphones,
BLOXVOX is placed over the mouth.
Bruh. I don't even think you need to put "patent pending" on this.
Like, I don't think anybody's gonna bite this.
[ Laughter ]
Designed to work with a pair of headphones,
BLOXVOX is placed over the mouth.
Yeah, pull that out on the subway.
Pull that out on the subway.
I'm getting the cops to clap you.
"Officer, I don't know what he's doing, but that shit ain't right."
"Yo, he's putting wires in a box."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where you going, Bane? Get over here!"
"Hey, hey, hey. Come over here."
You're on the train. You're just looking at people like...
[Muttering]
"What the...you said?
[ Laughs ] New Yorkers can hear through that.
They be like, "The...you said?"
Knock that shit off your mouth.
The strap is on. The shit smacks back in your face.
Like, "Oh, shit!"
You sound like this...
[ Muffled speaking ]
But the caller hears this.
Man: Trust me, Jim, you do not want this to go to trial.
Yo. [ Laughs ] Is this a law office?
I don't know what's going on there.
They're definitely doing a lot of legal activities.
Is this...Dunder Mifflin?
I think he's the lawyer for the other guy.
He's like, "Yo, I've been watching a lot of 'Judge Judy.'
You're in some trouble, my guy."
"It's about to be a wrap for you."
[ All talking at once ]
[ Muffled voices ]
[ Laughter ]
Yo, this shit looks so stupid.
People are just like, "Yo, can we get cubicles?"
They were like, "Nah. Put this on your face.
"Nah. Just put this box on your mouth, stupid.
Breathe in these plastic chemicals."
Just wear this...muzzle, you dickhead."
Or a head strap lets you go hands-free.
Nah, bro!
-Now shit getting kinky. -Yo! This is BDSM shit.
It works with any type of voice call,
including Skype, Slack, FaceTime, WhatsApp,
WeChat, et cetera.
Of course it does, bro, 'cause it's a piece of plastic
you put over your mouth.
-What the...is Fleep? -There's no software.
Fleep? They just made that shit in there.
"Yo, put more. Put mad logos in there...it."
A lot of these are just stuff I added on my résumé just in case.
I was like, "I am fluent in Redbooth.
"I am a master of Discord."
Listen. They call me Yung Cisco Jabber."
All they got to do is get rappers to wear this.
Rappers like to waste their money on stupid shit.
Oh, God.
I can already see all three Migos in a...Bentley
with the BLOXVOX on like...
Doing an interview where you can't hear them.
[ Muffled ]
"How do you feel about Cardi's pregnancy?"
[ Muffled speaking ]
♪♪
Number-one show in late night. You know what it is.
-Nothing but illustrious guests. -Or so we thought.
Yeah. Apparently not. Apparently people got other things to do.
Better shows to go to. We were supposed to have the
illustrious combination of Sting and Shaggy --
two for the price of one -- on our show.
Like peanut butter and chocolate. Delicious.
But they have to go rehearse for another show.
You know what I'm sayin'? That's fine.
You know what? Guess what. Their loss is your gain.
Tonight, it's Throwback Thursday.
We're going in the vault for one of the greatest interviews
we've ever done in the history of the show.
And I'm not overselling it.
No, he's not at all. You know what I'm sayin'?
We have the godf-- We got a --
We had a reggae guy
who was just, like, a regular reggae dude.
Now we got the godfather of reggae!
Godfather of reggae! Lee "Scratch" Perry!
He can't come to the --
Do the "Wayne's World" thing. Dooda-loo, dooda-loo, dooda-loo!
Number-one show in late night, ballbags.
Illustrious guests every...time.
Today, we have a legend in the building, son.
They just get bigger and better every week.
We have Lee "Scratch" Perry, reggae pioneer.
New album "Super Ape Returns to Conquer."
In North America, the tour begins October 24th.
-Ber-ber-ber-ber-ber! -Big up!
Lee "Scratch" Perry, come to the table.
That's right.
♪♪
How's life?
Life is perfect.
And the health is good.
-Mm-hmm. -Everything is possible.
-Right. -Right, right.
And, um, I'm a fish.
[ Water bubbling ]
And I use my -- I got two legs.
Two legs.
Me too. Think about that.
And I've got two hands.
And you use them to make fire music.
And I've got red hair.
You got a little red vino in there, too.
Is that why you asked for the red instead of the white?
'Cause you trying to match the motif?
I have a lot of things in my cap.
-Oh. Yo. What's in there? -Oh, wow.
Can we open that up? What's going on in there?
Oh, first of all, this hat is heavy as hell.
[ Laughter ]
Do you work out your neck muscles?
How do you -- Whoa.
Yeah.
And the world has changed.
You've been producing music for over 50 years now?
-Eh. -Yeah?
"Yeah. You know what I'm sayin'?"
What's a good lesson for the children right now?
-If you had to give a -- -Abracadabra, flame of fire.
Ooh! What?! We out here!
Do you still smoke weed?
Clearly.
You still puffing on the ganja?
Abracadabra.
Abracadabra? You got a little abracadabra on there?
Flame of Fire.
That's what that is right there? Yeah.
Let's go back in the wayback machine.
When was it that you said to yourself,
"Yo, I'm gonna do music. This is my passion"?
-How old were you? -24.
You worked with Bob Marley?
You mentored Bob Marley?
What I'm saying...
He come and wanted to work with me.
He wanted to be a part of what I'm doing.
Then I was having some different artists like punk.
So I turned him into a punk
and did not know that I turned him into a punk.
I write... "Having a party...
[ Singing indistinctly ]
Come to my party."
So he make it, and he go...
And then I know he was a punk.
-Hmm. -Yes.
You worked with the Beastie Boys?
Everyone.
You've worked with so many different artists.
Spanning genres and stuff. Is there any particular genre
that you're more drawn to to work with?
I love everything that is strange.
I love everything that is not too common.
You were on the -- I remember this. "Grand Theft Auto V."
You had a radio station for the video game.
Video game, yeah, yeah.
You're out here. You're making moves and stuff.
[ Laughter ]
Big up yourself.
What's your favorite -- your favorite Jamaican meal?
My favorite Jamaican meal.
-Now? -Now.
Cornmeal.
It used to be fish when I was eating fish and was a cannibal,
did not know myself.
Then I started the... [ Speaking indistinctly ]
What's it like living in Switzerland?
Oh, you live in Switzerland now?
What's it like over there? I've never been.
It's wonderful.
A lot of beautiful stones, beautiful trees.
Um, the people are not too beggish.
-Right, right. -They're not beggish.
They leave you alone. I respect that.
[ Laughter ]
"Go 'long."
-Drinking red wine? -Red wine.
No Wray & Nephew?
Red wine... My blood, color of it.
Who's your favorite current reggae artist?
He's very young.
Who? Popcaan? Bovado?
-Pick again. Pick again. -Chronixx?
Guess again.
You say Chronixx. You say Bovado.
You must know who it is, man.
We don't know, man.
-Yeah, you must. -We don't.
-We don't. -I'll never tell you.
-You have to tell us. -Come on, man.
Okay.
[ Laughter ]
It might cause a little problem...
Go for it.
But...Bovado.
Bovado? Yeah!
Yes. Bovado. I said Bovado, though.
Hmm.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
Lee "Scratch" Perry, reggae pioneer in the building.
What would you like your rainbow to say?
I would say...
He's seeing it right now. He sees the rainbow.
We're looking up in the air. We see it, too.
[ Laughter ]
Lee "Scratch" Perry in the building!
-Ah. Light it. -Yo.
-Album. -"Super Ape Returns to Conquer."
New album in stores. North America tour.
October 24th. Check him out.
Go check him out. This guy's a legend. Don't...up.
♪♪
-Shout-outs! -Shout-outs! Yeah!
Yeah, shout-out to catching up with your BFF.
[ Both yowling ]
That's them complaining about their day.
-That's their "yerrrrs." -Yerrrr!
[ Both yowling ]
How is my man doing the same noise
as the guy from "Intervention" Cry?
[ Laughter ]
He don't even look like he's about to cry.
[ Voice breaking ] I still love you!
Yeah, I didn't think so, too, and then Danny Glover lost it.
[ Wailing ]
[ Laughter ]
That's why I can't be at no intervention. I'd be like...
I would've just been like, "Yo, man!"
"Nah. Y'all niggas wildin'. You going or nah?"
"Come on, B. Look at your man."
[ Both yowling ]
It's like they're both trying to pass a kidney stone at the same time.
They're next to each other at urinals.
Like, "Aah! We should have both drank more water! Ah! Ah!"
"Why'd you convince me to get Little Caesars, you asshole?
Aah! Aah! I'm sweatin'!"
"How can something so little hurt so much?!"
If this was the Bronx and this would go on, you would just hear a window open, someone be like,
"Yo, shut the...up!"
Just throw a shoe at them.
[ Laughs ]
...bottle full of piss.
"I don't know what kind of cat is that, but shut it the...up!
I gotta go to work in the mornin'!"
Stop playin', B, before I send
my pit bull down there to eat that shit!"
[ Both growl ]
Oh, shit. Okay.
That's when the person recording was like, "Oh, shit. I gotta get outta here."
"This shit might get hectic."
Growing up, my cat was named Pistachio,
and she was a house cat.
So she'd sit at the window and kind of taunt the cats outside.
"Oh, I'm in the house. How you feel? Ah-ah-ah.
Enjoying this A/C, bitch."
"Ah, stupid."
My mother leaves the back door open,
and 'cause cats are stupid, Pistachio goes outside
and is just wandering the neighborhood.
Pistachio comes back fucked up.
Those other cats beat the shit out of her.
She came back like a cartoon with the big piece of meat
hanging over her face and the ice pack.
Let me tell you. She was very humble in the street window after that.
Like, "Good morning. How y'all doing?
Hey. How y'all doing? How's the kids?
"The A/C's off today."
Some of use are just fortunate. Your time will come, my brother.
"Listen. Keep striving. Keep striving. Keep striving."
Gotta pull yourself up from the bootstraps..."
You know what I'm sayin'?
Yo, shout-out to this future X Games star.
Yeah. Oh, boy.
Homemade ramps are never a good idea, guys.
As a child, if you've never made a homemade ramp
and seriously injured yourself
and then hid it from your parents, you haven't lived.
Just going to bed with the wild concussion.
Like, "I'm tried."
[ Slurring ] "I'm very sleepy, Mom."
Just have the wild broken arm under the shirt
like, "Ah. Ah. I don't want to get in trouble."
Man: I'm not gonna rent a truck for a while,
so you got to try the drop now or never.
Damn. He putting the Joe Jackson pressure on him.
He's like, "Yo, do it, pussy.
"You wanna be Tony Hawk or nah? Your bones will heal!"
...cornball."
You got it, dude.
"I knew you wasn't my son."
Just ride fast.
Oh. That's the moment he knew he f-- Ohh!
-Wow! -Ohh!
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. -Yo. This is...up.
Kids falling is mad-funny. I'm sorry, B.
You got four. You're allowed to laugh.
I laugh when my kids fall, B.
I was in the supermarket and had homey in the shopping cart,
and I said, "Yo, do not stand up in the...shopping cart, bro.
This the last time I'm gonna tell you."
So he stands up in the shopping cart, and he leans over
to grab some shit in the produce aisle.
The cart falls over,
and my man turns into a letter V, like...
while I'm looking...
And he's just like, "Daddy, Daddy!"
I was like, "I told your ass not to stand up in the cart!
Didn't I tell you not to stand up in the cart?!"
All the parents is like... judging me and shit.
"Well, see? God don't like ugly..."
You got it, dude.
I'm mad they put this in slow motion, too.
Yeah. He knew what was gonna happen.
Come on. He was ready. He hit the slow-mo.
He fucks up right here. Right here he was like, "Oh, shit."
Ohh. Bw-a-a-a-ah.
Damn. He's doing, like, vinyasa yoga right there.
[ Laughter ]
He's in there, bro.
♪♪
Hey, ballbags, we are on break.
All next week. So see you June 4th.
That's right.
If you don't see me on TV, don't call me. I'm on vacation.
I'm wearing sunglasses in my house.
Don't look at me in my eyes, B.
We need mental-health breaks, bruh.
We're going on a soul journey. We're going to the --
We're going to Albuquerque, find each other.
Yeah. Do some ayahuasca.
See you June 4th.
♪♪
Mero: I just want to hear Sting sing...
♪ Wine pon di cocky, Wine pon di cocky, gal ♪
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