Movies like Batman Begins and Batman versus Superman: Dawn of Justice are full of scenes
lifted directly from the pages of DC Comics.
But as the DC Extended Universe ramps up towards the next Batman solo film, which is expected
to hit theaters in 2019, director Matt Reeves has over 75 years worth of Batman stories
to pick from.
And some of them definitely don't make the grade.
Here's a look at some Batman moments that will never be on the big screen.
Messiah of the Crimson Sun
If you ever wished the James Bond flick Moonraker had starred Batman instead, then boy, do we
have a story for you.
Appearing in Batman Annual #8, "Messiah of the Crimson Son" involves Ra's al Ghul making
a giant space laser.
But after commandeering a Space Shuttle and engaging in some zero-gravity karate, Batman
defeated the leader of the League of Assassins by tractor beaming him into the laser blast.
Considering the days of high camp seem to in Batman's distant past, it's pretty unlikely
we'll ever see this one on screen.
The Hunchback of the Batcave
"Where does he get those wonderful toys?"
In the movies, the Dark Knight's seemingly endless arsenal of crimefighting equipment
was either provided by Lucius Fox or made down in the Batcave by Alfred and Batman himself.
It's a pretty good answer... as long as you don't think about it too hard.
Why nobody down in WayneTech R&D realizes they spend an unusual amount of time sewing
up wearable hang-glider capes and bat-shaped boomerangs is anyone's guess.
But honestly?
It actually makes way more sense than what we got in the comics.
See, in the comics, all this stuff came courtesy of a hunchbacked mute mechanical genius who
lived in the Batcave and spent his life building crap for Batman.
Yep, it's true: this modern day, high tech Quasimodo was named Harold Allnut, and while
he was essential to keeping the Batcave operation going, he almost never got any screentime
at all, until he was unceremoniously murdered.
The less said about Allnut, the better.
Trial of the Bat-Witch
Want to know the real reason Batman and Superman seem to always be at each other's throats?
Well, one unlikely explanation was provided in the pages of 1969's World's Finest #186,
where the Man of Steel and the Dark Knight head back in time to find out why real-life
Revolutionary War hero "Mad" Anthony Wayne looks like Batman.
The answer, of course, is that they're related, but along the way, Superman claims to be a
traveling actor by announcing that the S on his chest stands for "Shakespeare" and then
sets about convincing the good people of 1776 that Batman is a witch.
This might seem out of character for Superman, but there's actually a really good reason
for it: He was possessed by a genie.
Obviously.
Nocturna
Hey, remember the time Batman had a custody battle with a vampire over who got to raise
Robin?
No?
Well, let us introduce you to Nocturna.
After adopting Jason Todd, who was Robin at the time, this bloodthirsty arch-criminal
then tried to convince Batman that Robin could only be raised properly if they got married.
A supernatural rom-com version of Kramer Versus Kramer with Robin stuck in the middle?
Someone call Katherine Heigl!
A Christmas Story
If you think the story of Christmas begins with a manger, well, you've clearly never
read Batman: The Brave and the Bold #12, which features the insane tale of how Christmas
truly came to be.
The story starts with Earth being destroyed and just gets weirder from there.
By the end of it, Batman and his partner Adam Strange end up literally rebuilding the universe
from within a reality-altering antimatter stream, coincidentally made up of glowing
red and green balls of light that twists their bodies.
Strange ends up being stretched out and aged, with his rotund, bearded appearance imprinting
on the subconscious mind of the rebuilt universe, creating the idea of Santa Claus.
And Batman?
Well, Batman is actually his elf helper.
Please make this into a movie!
Professor Gorilla
Batman has so many iconic enemies, from The Joker, Catwoman and Penguin to Poison Ivy,
Two-Face, and The Riddler, that the movies just don't seem to have room for some of his
lesser known adversaries.
Which is too bad, because that means we'll probably never see Professor Gorilla in a
movie.
Originally appearing in the Batman manga by Jiro Kuwata that ran in Japan's Shonen Ace
magazine in the '60s, Professor Gorilla was… well, he was exactly what he sounds like:
A gorilla who gained genius-level human intelligence and then tried to exact revenge on the entire
human race.
Hey, if they're going to keep making Planet of the Apes films, they might as well put
Batman in one!
Robin Dies At Dawn
If you were looking for a great story that dealt with the psychological trauma of bring
Batman, you could do a lot worse than to go back to the 1963 classic "Robin Dies At Dawn."
Arguably the best Batman story of the decade, "Robin Dies at Dawn" shows a Batman who's
struggling with the paralyzing fear that his life as a superhero will inevitably lead only
to more death and suffering—specifically to Robin's death, which would cause Batman
to lose his only family a second time.
Of course, it's also a story that opens with Batman battling aliens in space and ends with
him fighting crooks while wearing most of a gorilla costume over his bat costume, so
it has that going for it too.
Unfortunately for modern film fans, some things are so awesome, they can only exist in the
Silver Age of Comics.
Sorry, Rainbow Batman and Bat-Baby!
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