Hey hey my friend! Welcome back! I'm Kelly Bourne and this is today's edition of
Parenting A-to-Z and we're talking C is for Clingy. Oh my gosh -- how to deal
with those stage-five clinger's. We're gonna dive into why our kids are clingy,
how to deal, and then some prevention tactics.
C is for clingy -- coming right up!
It can be super maddening, can it not?! It's like all you want to do is cook dinner, or put
something away, or fix something, or just do anything other than having someone
clinging to your legs or clinging to your arms or just wanting to be
attached like glue to you 24/7. It can be... Oh my gosh I empathize with this
about a million percent. I know, super scientific over here, but
the thing with our clingy kids is, it's totally normal behaviour.
Especially in that toddler/ early preschooler phase. Where maybe they
have been home with us, maybe they have been around us a lot, and suddenly either
you're going back to work, or there's been a change in environment, like a new
sibling -- that's another big trigger right there -- they're feeling a little bit
insecure about their attachment with you and that's where a lot of the clingy
behavior can come in. So it's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just one of
those milestones that I know can be a total stress sandwich. So the biggest
thing when we're working with clingy behavior is sending the message to our
kids that they can trust us and we are that secure base, but also supporting
them through that limiting belief that they're only safe if mom is right with
them or if dad is right with them, and just kind of expanding their horizons a
little bit to see that they can have really great relationships and
have fun and have a great time and still feel safe and that they they belong
and are connected with other people. Like their teachers or their grandparents or
their coaches or whoever it may be. And before I really dive into any
tactics or strategies, for anybody who's dealing with this
first thing to look for is any changes. That's where you may see an uptick in
clingy behaviour. Whether it's a move, whether it's a new relationship, whether
it's bringing home a new sibling, those can all be major major triggers for
clingy behaviour or wanting to hold that secure base tight. Because
you're kids get nervou,s right?! Our kids can get a little bit unsure of
these new situations. So just have an awareness of that if that's been a
trigger for you. And another big thing to notice -- I know, I feel like I
need to kind of put up my shield here a little bit, because don't shoot the
messenger, okay! -- sometimes it's important to have an awareness of how we are
viewing their clingy behaviour. Because you know what? Sometimes it can feel good.
Sometimes it can feel good to know that, you know, little Suzy only wants Mom or
little Suzy only wants dad. And we're like right there on the top of the
pedestal in their eyes, we're that shining star. That can feel good and
sometimes we can promote that behaviour because of a need that it's
filling for us. So just again, if you're dealing with that clingy behaviour, look
at your own perceptions of it. Is it something you're complaining
about, something you're saying you want to change, but secretly deep down you
love that they only want you to get the cups for them at breakfast? So just
put that, just back for safekeeping to think about for yourself, if you
could potentially be acting as a trigger in any way. Okay! And in to the
nitty-gritty of how to deal. First and foremost, above all else is staying calm.
Because I know. When you've got a stage five clinger and you've got stuff to do
it can be -- I know, I'm like (getting stressed) you can feel it, right?! Sometimes
it's enough to make the blood boil. So do what you need to do to stay calm, whether
it's taking a breath, taking a moment. Because, right, it's that old saying -- you have
to put your own oxygen mask on first -- and if you are starting to freak your freak,
heck, like good luck dealing with your clinger in a way that isn't
going to upset yourself and everybody, right?! So just try your best to stay calm.
And it's gonna look different for everybody and how to do that, but just
find your own way. I know for me, taking a few deep breaths really helps, or I know
I say it all the time, but getting down at my kids' level sometimes helps me
get things back on an even keel. So stay calm above all else. And then
it's really just a matter of listening and empathizing with your kids while at
the same time reinforcing the idea that they're safe and that they're gonna be
okay if they stay with Grandma while you go and get groceries. And then on top of
that whole idea of reassuring our kids, is a way to help foster predictability
and trust is to give them a heads' up as to when you will be available. So
if you are trying to cook dinner, say, and you just you need to get through it
in order to feed the family, is just again listening empathizing with them,
giving them another activity to do, and say "You know what, bud? I have to
finish this. I really want to play with you, but give me ten minutes and then
we'll rendezvous on the living room play mat ." Letting them know when
you can hang out again. And then, whether it's setting a timer or giving
them some sort of signal so that they know when that time is up, same as if you
are leaving them with a babysitter or grandma or whoever to go
and get groceries -- listening and validating and giving those hugs and
cuddles. Reinforcing the idea of safety, that you know what? Grandma's gonna take
really good care of you. She loves you. I'll be back in 15 minutes." Sending that
idea that, okay, mom's going away, mom says I'm gonna be safe (or dad if it's dad's
joining me right now) and she's coming back for me and we can
hang out at a later time. So that's a huge thing is letting them know
when you can hang together again. Because that's a big
thing for our kids. In moving forward, that's kind of how to deal in
the moment, right? Listening and validating, reinforcing safety and
letting them know when you'll be back and when you can hang out with them again.
But then moving forward and looking at the long-term picture is noticing again
what these triggers are for your kids' clinginess. Is it in times of
transitions? Because who-wee! Small kids, they have a they can have a really hard
time with transitions! So if you notice that, it's all about giving your kids a
heads up, letting them know you're gonna be going in five more
minutes, or I have to cook supper in 20 minutes, can I read you a story or do you want to have a
cuddle now? Because I'm gonna be unavailable for a little bit. So
how do you want to hang together now?That can be a huge --
I always feel like a bomb technician when I do things like that!
Because it's the preemptive strategies I find that that help the best. And then
if it is things that are happening on a continuous basis, like if you're finding
your clinger is always when you're trying to cook supper, or it's always
when you're trying to leave the kids with the sitter going out the door in
the morning -- depending on your kids' ages you can practice this. You can role play
this and talk about their feelings and what they're going through. So you can
pretend what it's going to be like when mom or dad is leaving to go
for work. And they can practice with their play kitchen or play food or
whatever what they're gonna do, what they're gonna choose to do, how they're
gonna occupy themselves while you're cooking dinner. And of course, I know that
won't work for all ages, but even when your kids get up into like the two
and a half, three, you can absolutely start integrating some of
those pre-emptive strategies. Practicing what it's gonna be like if
transitions are difficult. And last and finally -- and this is probably
the the grand macdaddy of what to do moving forward -- is to start the process
of creating some new routines where you are not involved. I know. Gasp! It's hard
if you have been the primary caregiver and you have
been doing all the feeding and the bathing and the dressing, and you've been
doing everything. It can be really hard to start to let go of that. But in order
to show our kids that there are lots of other trusting adults, or the
other parent in their life to help them through, that's how we can really
help mitigate the the clingy problem. Because they can see that there are other
people, other trusting adults to help them get through the day. It's tricky
dealing with our clingers because they look to us
as a really secure base. And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
It's just getting them to see that there are other people in their world that
they can trust. And that they can handle it. Because when
we give in to their clingy behavior time and time again, and when we're the only
one ever getting the cup for them or the only one putting the food on their plate,
we are just reinforcing their stress and reinforcing their anxiety as being the
only ones capable of doing that for them. So give it a go guys, try setting up some
new routines, try practicing transitions, and of course let me
know how it goes! Let me know how it goes. I know -- this could be a tough one. And of
course, if you're looking for any in-depth support or you want to join in
on my office hours, you want to access our -- oh my gosh, our library of like
50-plus private videos and cheat sheets and worksheets I have over in our
membership site, The Parent 'Hood, join us, yo! What are you waiting for?! Join us! So I
hope that helps with your clingers! I'll see in the next video!
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