Hey hey, my friend! Welcome back to Parenting A to Z! I'm Kelly Bourne and
today we're covering B is for belonging. Yes! We're talking all things
belonging. We're talking why it's important, what gets in the way, and
probably the big thing that you're really tuning in for today -- is how we can
really instill a sense of belonging and unconditional acceptance in our kids,
even when it feels hard and even when we're we're struggling. 'Cause I know,
sometimes it's not always easy, right?! It's not always easy
when we're getting a little hot under the collar. So we're covering it all,
coming right up! The reason that I wanted to cover belonging right off the top in
this in this Parenting A to Z series is that belonging and our kids developing
that sense that they belong in our family no matter what, no matter what
mistakes they make or how many stumbles they have. It is at the root, at the
total ground floor of feeling loved and feeling accepted. And that's where the
roots of self-acceptance and self-esteem come from because the thing is -- when our
kids don't feel that sense of belonging, that sense of being really rooted and
grounded in who they are and accepted for who they are in the family,
they'll start to go outside to get it. They'll find a peer group
or they'll find other people who accept them no matter what. And lots
of times -- I'm thinking, this is like a super extreme case -- I'm not I'm not talking
this is gonna happen for everyone, but things like gangs. Or the
quote-unquote "kids on the wrong side of the tracks" they are very good at helping
kids feel like they belong. So that's just one of the core underlying reasons
that developing that sense of belonging is so important in the home. So that they
see us as their safe home base. That no matter what they can come back and
they can talk to us and and we'll help them out and we've got their back. And
the other thing too that's really important in developing a really strong
sense of belonging and significance in our kids is that so much of the time,
like basically 99.99% of the time, when our kids are acting
out or we're struggling to win their cooperation it is because our kids are
taking misguided ways to get their sense of belonging and significance met. You
see this all the time with attention seeking behavior, or kids "mom,
mom, mom" or pulling on us or the class clown taken to the extreme. It''s
kids who have developed that idea, that mistaken notion that in order to
belong, in order to "fit in" and "play their part" they need to always be at the
center of the attention. Same with kids who are really struggling with
power struggles. That could be their misguided attempt to belong. Believing that their
place in the family is to be the you- know-what disturber -- I'm trying not to
swear in this video series, so we'll see if there may be a lot of you-know-
whats and bleeps -- but I'm gonna try my best.
But it's really true. Belonging is the root of all of it and the other
thing I really wanted to touch on too, before we dive in, is that belonging is
not the same as fitting in. I am NOT talking this as being a masterclass on
how to fit your kids into a mold so they fit in. Because fitting in, it's a
fake out. It's a total fake out. It's being someone else. It's putting on those
characteristics or acting in a way you think other people want you to behave.
That's fitting in and that is, that sucks. Even for us as adults. You think of
times when you didn't really feel like you belonged and you had to put on a
different hat and you maybe always felt like you were acting. And one one wrong
move on your part and you're out of the group. That's what we're trying to avoid
with our kids. By instead instilling that sense that they belong no matter what.
Warts and all. Because heck -- don't we all have our own fair share of warts?! It's
kind of nice for us as adults to know too that, you know what, when we make
mistakes with our kids, when we mess up, when we say things we
shouldn't say, that we can come together and grow from it.
So that's really why it's important. And there's a few key things
that really get in the way of developing that sense of belonging. Because man! It
can be hard sometimes, right?! Especially when you feel like you're really locking
horns. So there's four big main things that get in the way of
our kids sense of belonging. And the first big one is shame. That feeling -- I
know, it's like the other "s" word, shame. It's that feeling of "I am a bad person"
And we do this -- it's hard because we all do this to
our kids probably more often than we would like to admit -- sending the
message that instead of them doing a bad thing that they're a bad kid.
I hate even talking about it, it's such a
hard topic. But shame is a big one. Shaming our kids. Another one is when we
can guilt trip our kids. And don't get me wrong, guilt can be a very useful
emotion in informing positive behavior moving forward, but guilt can get in
the way. So I always try to be mindful if I feel myself running into that lens of
using shame or guilt to try and "teach" my kids because it really only
sets the stage for more disconnection and essentially more disconnection leads
to more misbehavior and acting out and more walls up, when really we want to be
trying to come together. Two other big ones are embarrassment and humiliation.
I guess that's the other
message I'm trying to send, is that -- don't feel bad. I know
"don't feel bad," it's such a useless thing to say because when you feel bad, you
feel bad. But I'm just trying to let you know that
I've been there too. I have done all of these things. And it's just about
being aware of it, having that awareness so that you can try better next time,
right?! The whole "you know better, you do better" thing. So I'm not trying to
load up a bunch of crap on you right now, it's just having that awareness that
using these forms of embarrassment or forms of humiliation to try to "teach" our
kids lessons, it really often only makes things worse, not only in our
own relationship with our kids and their willingness to want to cooperate with us,
but that sense of belonging. It just cuts through it.
But the good news is, it's never too late to start that repair process. And
let me tell you -- often times it feels like you're doing this on a daily
basis, right?! If you're going through a particularly tough time, or you had a
really short fuse. It's okay. We're all
working together. So getting right into the nitty-gritty - how can we develop
a sense of belonging and significance and connection in our kids on the daily?
First thing, is listening to them. And man- oh-man, when I first started becoming
aware of how much I was not only not listening to my kids, but how I was
actively tuning them out or dismissing their feelings or just not even
really, I don't want to say not even caring, but really when you get into the
the day-to-day grind and you have so many things on your to-do list it's easy
to kind of shove their wants and desires out of the way if they're not completely
aligned with where your train is headed for that day. So first thing is just
taking the time to listen and the second is validate your kids, when they're
saying they don't like something or they're upset or you notice that they're
angry or acting out. Listening and validating their experience as being
true and being real -- and that doesn't mean you necessarily have to agree with
everything that they're saying or how they're acting, but just recognizing
their experience as being real and true for them and setting the
message that it's okay to be upset, it's okay to be so angry that you
just want to explode, but it's the behaviors that we use and the
words that we use after that maybe aren't okay or we maybe need to find a
different way to express ourselves so they so they learn that
they can come to us with whatever's going on and we'll help them through it.
We'll walk them through it rather than telling them "be quiet," "don't do that,"
"you're driving me crazy" type deal. So listen and validate are huge
huge huge. Another one too that, I know I'm smiling already even thinking about it,
is just enjoying their presence. Enjoying being around them. There's that old
saying, "do your your eyes light up when your kids enter the room?" And again,
I know sometimes they don't, right?! Sometimes it's one of those days, it just
doesn't. And those are the days that sometimes you just have to work
extra hard to drop to their eye level, give them a hug, give them a little
squeeze, give them a little tossel of the hair. So they know that they're
loved and they know that you're happy, you're genuinely happy to see them.
And to be spending time with them and even verbalizing that, "I
love reading stories to you guys," "I love hanging out with you guys," sending that
message that you love having them around and this is their home and they belong
here. And then besides listening and validating them and having your eyes
light up when they when they walk in the room -- I know probably depending on
the day that you're having, you're probably like okay that sounds
really freaking impossible... and the thing is, with belonging and having our kids
have that sense that they're significant in the family, is accepting them as they
are even when it feels hard and even when you just want to freaking blow your
top. That is where the rubber meets the road and that is where
this is not only the most important but it's also the hardest, for myself
included. So this is where it's just finding something that works well for
you. Whether it is taking a few deep breaths, whether it is saying "you
know what bud, I just need one second can I have a hug, can I have a hug and a smooch?
I'll be back in five minutes." Or getting down at their level -- I find myself doing
this a lot recently, it's working well for me. It's just kind of surrendering in
the moment when I feel my blood pressure starting
to want to spike and go through the roof. I will literally drop to my
knees and hold my kids' hands and I find for me that is really calming. So when
you're just wanting to -- everyone has those moments, it's like,
"get out of my sight!" or you or you want to get out of their sight
and just kind of wish for your do-over moment -- sometimes just surrendering in
that moment is so helpful and just kind of centering you and bringing you back.
And also sending the message to your kids that, okay, even though things are getting
really real right now, we're in it together we're in it
together. And of course if you are having one of those moments where
you do need to take five, by all means take five! One of the biggest things for
me was -- I can't even remember who said it to me -- but just the idea of
leaving with love. If you do need to take that time out for yourself, give them a
quick squeeze, or a quick smooch, or something just to
send the message that ,you know what, I love you, I need some time, I'll be right
back. But just leaving with love is so so so
beneficial. And then from a practical standpoint, because I am all about the
practical, right?! It's enough to talk about this and have discussions about
these great ideas and and having these great intentions, but really we
need to take that and put it into practice. And something you can do with
your kids, of course depending on their age, is get together and draw just a
little -- it doesn't have to be Pinterest worthy or anything -- but just a
little outline of your house and just sit down as a family and talk about what
everyone in the family has permission to do in the house. Things like, have fun, be
silly, get angry, be yourself, ask questions, be heard, be listened to.
Whatever it is, just kind of sending the message that everything is okay in this
house and we will have each other's back. Because everyone has permission to be
angry. Everyone has permission to get upset. Everyone has permission, this is a
big one that I love, is everyone has a permission to fail or to make mistakes.
Because so much animosity and so much disconnection can come from that
mistaken idea that mistakes are bad. I know it's one of those
things, it's it's a tough habit to break, because so often we're looking for
those mistakes or we're always pointing out our kids' mistakes but when
everyone in the house has permission to fail or to make mistakes it shifts
things to an opportunity to come together, beefing up that sense of
belonging and looking at, okay, how can we get through this? How can we work through
this together? Where's our opportunity to make a really positive change? And
creating this little fun house diagram of what everyone in the house has
permission to do is a really fun jumping-off point to do that. And then
you can stick it on your fridge or wherever if someone needs reminding.
If someone needs reminding that everyone has has the right to be heard
or to be listened to, or everyone has the right to make a mistake. It's just
fun to kind of keep everybody on track -- ourselves included! So I hope
that helps guys! I hope that sheds some light on the whole concept of developing
a sense of belonging and significance in our kids.
How it's really ground zero for having that sense of
self-esteem and self-confidence and mainly self-acceptance. Knowing that --
because isn't that the hardest thing? So much of the time is just accepting
ourselves when we know we've said something or done something we wish we
could maybe take back. Having that safe place in the home is so so important. Not
to mention that it helps our kids from going
elsewhere to find that sense of belonging when they know they have it at
home. It also helps them from acting out in misguided ways to find their sense
of belonging or significance. So give it a go guys! Try to listen and validate
your kids as much as you can try to let your eyes twinkle -- I know I'm
getting all weird, but really it's something for me that after school-
pickup, or in the morning just sending that message, giving them a squeeze
and letting them know that they're loved is so so helpful. And drawing that
house, maybe making that house and seeing what everyone in your house has
permission to do, posting it somewhere visible for everyone. And then just doing
your best to avoid shame and humiliation and embarrassment as parenting
strategies -- we can get into more details with that in future videos, but trying
your best to step back from that and then of course if you have any questions,
comments, concerns, leave them down below. I'm always always happy to chat with you!
So that's all for now guys, I'll leave you to it. Let me know how it goes.
If you're looking for any more in-depth support or resources make sure
to slide on over to the Parent 'Hood. Check it out. You can join me for my live
office hours. I just love hanging with you guys! So that's all for now, I'll see
you in the next video!
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