You might agree that honesty is the best policy … unless we're talking about sex.
Did you know that a third, that's one in three people in monogamous relationships
admit to cheating. Stats don't lie. People do. Take a look at you and those around
you. You wouldn't be here if Nature had not make sex in part so intensely
pleasurable. But, for a few of us to get those sexual desires met we resort to a
grey zone. A grey zone characterized by three things: false impressions, a misrepresentation of truth
and dishonesty. For example do you know singles who are having sex with more than one
or married people tantalizingly available to more than one.
Tomorrow I turn 32 - it's fun but according to my South Asian parents
that's two years past my deadline for getting married. "Aaron, isn't it time you
settled down with a nice girl?" my mother has been asking for the last decade.
You know I started out on that path when I was younger and in college. I joined a
singles club to find the one - anyone actually. New members were asked to give
a three-minute introduction but there was only one problem with that: my
stutter back then was much worse than it is now so when my turn came with my legs
shaking I stood up and said "Hello I'm, I'm". My name does not come out so I'll
have to spell it out: "It's A .. A... R … O... N and I'm looking for a the girlfriend."
Most of the women looked away and I sat down in shame knowing I would leave empty-handed.
Yet we've learned about optimism, haven't we? So at the mix and mingling session there was a beautiful surprize -
a young student with an hourglass figure flashed a thousand watt smile at me and said "hi.
I'm angel. I admire your courage" as she slipped her phone number into my
palm. I won't be leaving empty-handed after all. But now my jaw drops and I'm,
like, what should I say, like, so I say "Do do do you want to meet for a date sometime?"
Without hesitation Angel replied, "Now's good, would you like to go to the cafe on the other side of campus?"
Did this angel just drop from heaven? That's the first time a woman has ever asked that straightforwardly
to go for a date. But now I don't have time to think so we just walk out and as we walked to the other side of
campus, and I'm sure you've got this advice from your friends too for a first date - be yourself, be yourself and
don't say anything stupid, don't say anything stupid please. We get some snacks, sit down and I begin.
"It might be a full moon tonight, won't it?" Men, have you started a date like that?
Angel however seems to have eyes only for me and she looks deeply into them and says: "Aaron, do you like cupcakes?"
Cupcakes! At this point I want to bite my lip because what I really want to say is "Cupcakes, cupcakes.
I'd love to take you back to my dorm room, rip your clothes off and show you how much I like cupcakes."
But do you think I said that? No. I asked another stupid question: "Do you have a boyfriend?"
Go on, go on. At this point Angel's facial expression changes. She wasn't as happy as she was.
"Aaron, I'll be honest" as she rummages through her bag and says "I'm engaged". She pulls out a ring and slides it
onto her ring finger. "But it's not going well. Maybe we could go back to your place?" What! What kind of Angel
is this? Engaged but wants to go back to my place. So what should I say? What should I do?
My heart says "no". Mother would never approve of this. But the second most important part of my body cannot
let go of the "let's go back to my place" and I want to say "yes, let's go" but at this point I didn't want to judge
why an engaged woman like her was at a singles event. She was honest with me but was she honest with her
fiancé. I was too afraid to ask and I didn't wart to judge. At this point though I'd lost my attraction
towards her, made a limp excuse and left. Aaggghhh. That was the last time I saw Angel but it was my first
introduction to the gray zone. Angel had a false appearance. She wasn't as single as I
thought she was. I was misrepresenting my own truth. Sure, in time she could have been my one.
On that night though I just wanted sex. We both of us being dishonest in our own ways.
Have you experienced something similar? Before meeting someone where either they were
misrepresenting who they were or you been guilty of it?
Plenty of people nowadays live in this gray zone of assumed monogamy when it's actually not.
Anyway, I go home lonely, no, frustrated and horny and what does a guy do when he goes home alone?
He opens the incognito tab of Google and let me tell you these weren't cat videos that I watched.
I typed in www.pornhub.com. You know it and since this is a speech about honesty in sex it was porn. For how
many hours that night I'm not sure but it definitely was but it's not such a laughing matter.
Pornhub analyzes their own stats. It turns out that last year as a race we watched 4.5 billion hours of porn.
To put that into perspective - that's 500 thousand years in one year. That's a lot of porn. A lot.
Why is it? I believe a big reason is that porn is a symptom of the gray zone. We just aren't honest when
we want to experience sex with others and especially if multiple partners are involved.
Better to sit in private and turn on the incognito tab. The years would go on and the cycle would continue
- I'd meet women, not be upfront and straightforward with what I wanted to explore and neither would they be.
A few dates would turn into a few weeks, a few months. I'd watch too many nights of porn than I'm willing
to admit. And as the years went on I was, like, why do we assume that monogamy is the default way of romantic
relationships? I knew people who were outwardly monogamous but inwardly seeing multiple partners.
I didn't think that this was an intelligent way to live. Mother nature does not suddenly shut off our sexual
desires once we commit to the one. And if you found that off switch please tell me where it's located.
For most of us sexual desire continues. And I completely respect you if you're monogamous and
decide not to explore but for a third of us we do want to explore. I didn't want to be the guy who commits to one
but then reverts to the gray zone on the side to get his desires met.
And neither did I want to be with a partner who had to be dishonest to get her desires met.
I knew there had to be a better way for this to work. I want friendship, yes. I want romance, yes. I want sex,
yes. But in a spirit of honesty with all parties involved. I started to do intense research into society and sexuality.
I read books, blogs. I listened to podcasts and even read Fifty Shades of Grey. Only fifty! I finally stumbled
upon one book called "Sex at dawn - the prehistoric origins of modern sexuality". It says how we mate, why
we stray and what it means for modern relationships. Yes! Finally some evidence to shine some light on this
grey matter. The most fascinating fact from that book was: monogamy evolved only 10,000 years ago when
nomads turned to agriculture. Ten thousand years. For a hundred and ninety thousand years before that,
adults lived multi-partnered relationship lives. No secrecy or dishonesty required. But in modern times,
shame and guilt leads to cheating, lies and lots of porn. The book also says that our close ape cousins,
the bonobos, have lived a multi-partnered and
honest lifestyle for millennia. Now, I know this might not sound very exciting to you
but sure it was for me because it was one step closer to eliminating the gray zone which you might want to
eliminate as well. But I can't go back five minutes in time let alone ten thousand years to find someone to
ask how did you do it? How did you have multiple partners? I knew there would be someone here in this
time who had figured it out so I go back on to my trusted incognito tab of Google and type "healthy
and honest sex" then "healthy and honest sex for middle-aged singles" because you know I'm growing
older. And I found this book called "Mode One - let the women know what you're really thinking" by this
dating coach by the name of Alan Roger Currie. He's broad-shouldered, looks you directly in the eye and
most importantly has found decades of success with having multiple partners through honesty. I'm excited so
I decided to hire him and we meet on Skype. "Aaron, remember honesty is the best policy. If you want to
explore with multiple women make sure you say that to them as soon as possible. Don't be like many verbal
cowards who pretend to be monogamous but actually aren't. Get out of that vague and ambiguous zone.
Women do appreciate directness. To practice sharing your intentions face-to-face, try speed dating."
Sharing my intentions face-to-face - weren't dating apps with swiping left and right and left and right meant
to avoid precisely that? But then I realized those apps are the epitome of the grey zone -
you don't know who is on the other side of your screen. But then, what about jealousy and neediness and
possessiveness. How do you get rid of these negative feelings that most of us have when a partner of ours
explores with another. "Listen young man, I wish you one word and that word is Compersion - it's the feeling
of joy you feel when a partner of yours explores sex and/or romance with others. You'll have to experience it
to know it." What did I have to lose? He clearly has more success than I have. So I signed up for a
speed-dating event. Imagine that you're at a speed dating event at the loft of a dimly lit local bar.
Tables are set up one couple per table. Welcome to speed dating. Here are the rules - you're here to meet
one, maybe more than one. You chat for five minutes, at the end of five minutes women rotate clockwise,
men stay at home. Please don't forget to check off your matches at the end of the night and mutual chemistry
matches will be sent to you via email in the morning. Now take your seats we'll be starting in five. All right
now I would have to perform and share my intentions so I'd go on my first mini date a bit nervous and I start:
"I find you very attractive. I'd like to explore both sex and close friendship with you." I'd say that in the
first two minutes remembering what I didn't do with Angel. "Excuse me, do you say this to all women?" Let's
just focus on you for now. "But no guy has ever said that to me before". There's a first time for everything.
I believe that honesty is the best policy. This saves us both time and
potential heartbreak. Plus, I don't want to get friend-zoned. To my surprise after
a few events I would get a few matches and then those matches would meet on
longer dates where I'd inevitably bring up the fact that a lot of us live in the
gray zone and I didn't want to be that guy. And then to my bigger surprise a few women said
"You know what, you're honest about it so let's give it a shot .. to practice being very honest in our sexual lives
even if it's with multiple partners." To make a long story short, now I have experienced how it feels to have
multiple relationship, partners. The main benefit is that we have lost our shame around our own sexuality.
If a woman I'm seeing feels attraction towards another man, she's definitely free to act on those. And so am I.
There's no gray zone to worry about anymore. Was this simple? No. It took years to get the mindset right but
but ultimately you learn it. Compersion is a real thing and the opposite of jealousy. Today, let's think about
those in the gray zone. Maybe some of you here? How can we completely eliminate it from our lives so we
can live lives without secrecy or dishonesty. If you're monogamous or married and have no intention of
exploring with multiple partners, consider having a talk with your partner to deepen your intimacy.
If you're single, or married, and have partners on the side, decide to be
honest with all parties involved. And if you're stuck in the gray zone, afraid to
go out and start new relationships, know that honesty is a skill that can be developed.
And also try speed dating. Together I believe that we can eliminate the gray zone of dishonesty.
In our sex lives, I don't think that "honesty is the best policy" is sufficient for modern times so let's transform
that to making honesty our only policy.
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