Old man (Glynda): *Bored* Hello, welcome to 'Dust Til Dawn'.
We have music, magazines, explosive ammunition. Everything for your one-stop-shop needs.
What are you doing with your arms?
My boss couldn't afford an air dancer so he's having me do it.
But you're inside-
Someone needs to be behind the counter and my boss didn't come in today!
Damn.
Eh. Still beats working for Walmart.
Roman (Ozpin): Evening, sir. Would you like to buy some Wacky Glackys: Wackiest glasses on Earth?
They're the next big thing.
Then why aren't you wearing any?
Hair gets in the way.
You could just get a new style.
Oh yeah, like I'm gonna take hair advice from Sonic!
Ruby (Yang): *Singing to Katy Perry's "California Gurls"* Bathtubs filled with turtles are uncomfortable!...
I got a street! I bought it on-line!...Shot the pre-si-dent! Now put your hands up!
Hey, kid? Why do you wear so much red?
Cause I'm the Kool-Aid man!
Wha-?
OH YEAH-OH SHIT! *crashes into car*
Well that was different. Quick, get us out of here!
Cinder (Old man): Clear the bridge! Billy, open main water vents!
Oh no.
Prepare to dive!
Sorry about your car, but thanks for the cookies.
Ozpin (Roman): No problem, miss...
Ruby. Like the flower.
Wait...
Well, Ruby, I can see that you're quite durable and quick to get hit by stuff.
Wanna come to my school? You'll get a free plane ride to drop you off.
*Threatening* Well you'd BETTER have finger painting or I'm taking the BUS!
Yang (Ruby): I don't trust this school, Ruby. I think we should head home.
Aww, but why not?
Glynda (Cinder): Attention new attendees; we're currently experiencing some technical difficulties regarding outside communication.
So if any of you were planning on contacting any LOVED ONES after landing, I'm afraid that it simply won't be possible.
Student #1: Wait, than how are you sending us this?
*Playful* Oh, don't be silly.
I don't have any loved ones on this ship. I'm not a monster.
*Sinister chuckle* Welcome to Beacon.
Ruby: Did she really need a hologram for that?
Yang: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIS!
Well, at least you're still here.
Man, did just sitting at home every day get boring. But now, I'm finally back in school, ready to start learning again!
DAMMIT, CAN'T SUMMER GET HERE ANY FASTER?!
Weiss (Catgirl): Everything in that pile belongs to Ice Girl. You're mine now.
Blake (Weiss): Really? Ice Girl?
You're not even trying to hide the fact that you stole this character, are you?
Us being similar was just a coincidence. Ice Girl stole nothing.
Wait, I thought it was a reference.
Back in your pile!
Yes, mam.
Hello, students. I am your Headmaster.
Turn to the student on your right. Now your left.
Which of them do you think looks the softest?
Because odds are, before the semster's over, that person will have lost their mind and will try to kill you.
Student #2: But we all look the same.
I know what I said!
Ren (Pyrrha): *Thinking* We just HAD to go to the same school, didn't we?
Can I please have one day without here trying to-?
Nora (Jaune): You know, such a small, innocent girl shouldn't be fighting monsters without a strong, irresistible man to keep her safe.
Ooh, impressive weaponry. *Seductive* I'd like to see what else you're hiding under those clothes.
STOP! Just...stop!
I'm not attracted to you, Nora! I will never be attracted to you! Please just leave me alone!
Woah. Ren, you're...you're kind of tearing my heart out right now.
I'm...sorry if this is tough for you, but-
Why don't you tear off this heart instead?
Hey, sis. What are you doing back?
*Confused* I DON'T KNOW!
Jaune (Ren): Hey there. Glad I'm not the only one using a normal sword.
Everyone else feels like their sword has to turn into something to be useful.
A sword is all Ice Girl needs. It's like the people here put looking cool over actual skill.
Exactly!
You can have your weapon change into as many things as you want. All that matters is who's the better fighter.
Ice Girl agrees.
Fencing is the slap fight of sword battles.
Ice Girl would still kick your ass in both.
Pyrrha (Nora): Have you two seen a finger lying around?
WOAH! ...*pant* Sorry, I-I didn't see you ther-
-wait, you're missing a finger?!
Yeah, have you seen it? I just got it today.
Ice Girl almost lost a finger once. But past experiences prove that she can handle anything.
You wanna talk experience? You just wait!
By the end of the day, I'll have gone through a LOT more than you will!
Like the infirmary?
This school doesn't have doctors.
I'm a doctor!
Really?
Sure. When someone's in pain, I 'make the pain end'.
That makes me a doctor, right?!
How many people have come to you for help?
Usually I'm already there.
Leonidas: TO THE CLIFF!
Well, good luck out there. And remember; second place is still an accomplishment.
You make Ice Girl sick. ...Doctor?
Ice Girl is best patient.
Yang: So what are these plates for again?
They're launch platforms.
I should probably warn you that these things have a tendency to malfunction from time to time.
Oh, the many...MANY horrible...HORRIBLE accidents we've had.
Alright, that's it! Fuck this!
You talk a lot, but you're just trying to scare us! I'm getting o-!
Sometimes the platforms don't activate until the exact moment one of the students takes a step outside the square.
Causing their other leg to tear right off.
Leaving the now bleeding student behind as they try desperately to crawl their way back to safety.
Weiss: Wait, you're alive?
Jaune: PYRRHA, HELP!
I see ya.
Jaune: Oh God. Alright, fine! Use the spear! I don't care if I get stabbed again! Just please catch me!
Pyrrha: Ha-HAH!
Yang: *Stab* OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Jaune: PYRRHA, YOU DU-! *splat*
Oh, hey Jaune!
Well, we're partners now. Wanna play a game?
Ice Girl has a game. It's called 'Ruby gets tied to a tree and is left to die'.
I am so gonna win that!
So Ren...you like fruit picking? Cause this one's feeling ripe.
NORA, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
Sorry, forgot to ask. Do you need help?
I'd appreciate it!
Do you wanna take one and I take one?
Sure! Whatever! Just get down here!
You have to pick me first.
GODDA-!
Ice Girl is above all of youuuuuu!
*Ha-HAH-ing the 'Jurassic Park' theme*
We have TWO giant Grimm here to kill us?!
Yeah, this seems about right for me.
Nora: HIGH HO, URSA-Aww, it tripped and died.
Man, these things are NOT as threatening as they really should be.
Did...she ride that thing here?!
*Out of breath* That's nothing. You should've seen her earlier...when she was...riding my snake.
Blake: *grossed-out* EUGH!
DON'T FORGET ABOUT M-!
Phew, that was close. Alright, let's go!
Where are we going?
I know a safe place.
THIS PLACE DOESN'T SEEM VERY SAFE, RUBY!
Look, the sign said-!
Wait, where are the other guys?
On the bri-
-ttish Isles. ...They took a vacation.
Anyway, right now we gotta focus on killing this-!
Ice Girl has a new game.
*excited* Really?!
Dang it, I lost!
Ladies and gentlemen...
for her unrivaled leadership skills, I hereby give the title of Team Captain to Ruby Rose.
And the name of her team shall be Team RWBY.
Furthermore, Beacon Academy will now be known as Ruby Academy.
Blake: You deserve it, Ruby! I take back everything bad I said about you.
You have earned Ice Girl's respect. We are now friends. Let us share all of her money.
I'm so happy you're my sister!
Let's all hear it for Ruby!
Thank you! Thank you all!
Ruby: *Narrating* At last, I had everything I had ever wanted in life.
Now you'd think that's where the story would end.
But as me and my friends stood there proudly, listening to the roaring crowd behind us...
I knew that our adventure...was just beginning.
'RWBY: The Abridged Series' Ruby: So, what do you think?
I know it's only one chapter, but don't worry!
I got the next forty nine all planned out and I'm already working on a sequel!
'RWBY: The Abridged Series' Blake: Ruby?
Yeah?
Why did you describe my voice as Pee-wee Herman's falsetto?
Well with fan fiction, you gotta take SOME liberties when following the official canon.
Creative freedom is very important, you know.
Uh-huh...
Well? Any critiques on how I can make it better?
You wanna know how to make the story better? Take out all the words that have 'Blake' in them...
...and then burn it.
*Stuck-up* See, sis? SHE didn't complain about the pacing.
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