Hi guys Duke Delaet here for the
attractive man and I wanted to go over
breakups, getting over your ex and then
rising from the ashes like a phoenix to
get back into the game and find yourself
that partner that is perfect for you. I'm
going to go over some coping strategies
to deal with loss and grief and how to
view the other person so that everybody
can grow from it and how to use the
experience as a springboard to get even
better at your game in the video to
follow. Stay tuned
You just break up with a girl. She either broke up
with you or you broke up with her but
something happened that you guys were
not seeing eye to eye anymore and it is
it is painful, it hurts and it can take
you out of all of your productivity
through the rest of your whole life. It's
funny there's so many songs on the radio
that just talk about breaking up and all
the pain and craziness is going on with
that kind of loss but what is that? It's
loss right? It's something that you were
attached to somebody else and now you
don't have them anymore and it's
difficult to go on in the same way that
you were going there's like it's not
very so it's like you were you're
walking with a question of the crutches
gone and now you have to regain your
balance by yourself and it's it's just
bad news. There's no easy way to get
over breakups there's a bunch of ways to
reframe it will go over that because
some coping strategies will go over some
of those but pain is pain and emotional
pain is some it's common to us being
human and it's difficult to deal with
and that's kind of how it's supposed to
be. So we're going to deal with some
coping strategies. First coping strategy
I use right when i go to break up but i
just got out of a breakup that's what
i'm talking about this stuff is you know
eventually you're gonna have to deal
with seeing her again or seeing her
friends or getting reminded of her or
whatever and those things are just going
to come up it's going to suck right, but
just like any other bad feeling that
keeps you from doing the things that you
want to do it's like approach anxiety or
you know fear of public speaking or
stuff, you can reframe it really quickly
or you can change your state really fast
and it will remove the sting of that
feeling. The emotion will still be there
kind of back burner it though so you can
still focus on something else right. One
of the coolest ways we straight state
changes will clap our hands or will
change our body structure will focus on
our breathing will focus on things that
we're not normally focused on so give it
space to not focus on the pain and the
loss and the grief and the hate and the
and all that stuff as it comes in and
kind of overwhelming they'll use of
feelings all of the feelings it will it
will kind of get mitigated by the fact
that you're thinking about something
else you're focusing on something else
so change your state. A lot of guys the
attractive man what they do is they'll
take cold showers and just like snap
their their brain out of whatever it's
impossible and you dunk your head under
cold running water to who remain in the
same mental state that you were
when you got in there it's just
impossible and it's super effective, so
check that out, and then you know when
you doin it comes on like a song on the
radio that makes you think about it you
tend to want to sort of indulge in those
feelings and there are a couple ways to
go about that you can either indulge in
those feelings and and get sad and then
sort of repeat the grief loop over and
over and over again or you can change
state immediately and my move to a
different song, sing something else like
just get your brain out of that space or
the third way whatever doing lately is
burning that thing to the ground. This is
one of my favorite coping strategies
okay so if I get hurt and then something
reminds me of her and I'm like a
heart-wrenching craziness right I put
that thing on repeat for the next hour
right and eventually what happens is
you're singing along you want to try to
be a driver you today I'm not saying
that I crying I'm a man right right okay
but yeah you saw you doing that thing
and then the second time though Stewart
gets a little bit more boring and the
emotions don't come and third time goes
through it gets a little bit more
boring and the emotions don't come and
then the same thing happens over and
over and over again. You get done in
like a half hour listen to the same song
you're like okay that song does not give
me the same emotions as it did before it
kind of works the same way progressive
desensitization works when it comes to
dealing with fear. It's that thing that
gave you such strong emotional responses
it needs like a refractory period in
between time to keep its strength after
that it starts getting diluted with the
other things that are going on in your
day. Like you go start dealing with
traffic of the song is playing and you
start dealing with you get out and
you're walking along and shopping that
it's distracting you and the song is
playing and all those little reference
experience to start getting tied to the
song and it dilutes the strength that it
had with the with the other person and
it's really helpful in just sort of
taking the legs out from other the
strength of those feelings there's some
washing over. You left in the same way a
state change you want to do I call this
the midlife crisis method, okay. Whenever
I break up with somebody I go get a
haircut I go I changed my clothes just a
little bit I start going to the gym more
I start eating healthier I used it kind
of like a new year's resolution kind of
thing where I start changing everything
because you know the initial launch is
like okay next time she sees me I have
to be better than I was right, but it's
quickly metamorphosized into a focus of
being better just being better and just
renewing who you were as an individual
before you guys broke up because a lot
of times when two people get together
they sort of share each other so much
that they lose part of their own
identity while they're in the
relationship, which is why it hurts so
much when the relationship breaks off
because now it's kind of like you're
missing a part of yourself. So use the
time to focus on renewal to focus on
building yourself and you're so kind of
latent uses back into focus bring all
that stuff back into focus and get
yourself on track to to to become a
fuller more vibrant version of you. Once
you do that the focus on those things is
going to help you to get over the hard
emotional things that come up when when
you're thinking about your ex because
you're you this kind of a light at the
end of the tunnel
rather than thinking oh I'm never going
to get anybody like that as good as her
again you go okay well I'm working on
this and I'm going to meet some cool new
people it's gonna be great you go out
and go be social you like oh I met already.
These new people already oh you know you
don't necessarily want to replace her
with somebody else but when you're out
and you're talking it's like this you
know run a game seeing new girls like it
it gives you reference experience oh
yeah she's not the only one out there
she's not the one that and she didn't
match anyway, maybe I'll find somebody
who matches better. I'm putting yourself
in that perspective and focusing on your
own personal renewal he was an
individual goes a long way to mitigating
the crushing feelings that can come from
sharing space with another person for a
very long time. Keep in mind that if you
break up with somebody that means that
you guys have reached a point in your
communication that you guys weren't
compatible. In real life when people
break up they do it for one of two
reasons: one to manipulate the other
person into doing something or two
because they don't match. If you don't
match you don't want that relationship
back I promise. It will just happen again
and again and again ad infinitum until you
guys both fucking sick of each other you
want to kill each other, right. That just
can and only end poorly if that's the
reason. The other one is to manipulate
the other person if she breaks up with
you because she was giving an ultimatum
and she wanted you to change but she
didn't really want to lose you then she
breaks up with you she's still trying to
offer that ultimatum and it's still
going to screw with you right. In almost
no circumstances it makes sense to get
back together with somebody after a
breakup. Now there are some that do you
guys are so connected and it's great and
the breakup was just like a momentary
hiccup or a drunken bullshit and then
but now you guys are missing trust on
each other's ability to stay in the
relationship and so it actually becomes
more labored and stuff. One of my
relationships have been dating for a
very long time like seven years and she
finally broke up with me like so the
third time and just kicked me out and it
was a just big horrible ordeal and when
she wanted me back I said look we can't
date like we used to otherwise we're
just going to keep repeating the same
cycle over and over again let's build
something new, let's create
a new relationship out of the ashes of
the old one because the old one wasn't
working all those expectations and all
that communication wasn't working and so
we started something very very different
she's no longer like we're not shooting
for the future anymore or not trying to
like be anybody's baby mama you know
like all those important things that
were happening over that long
relationship were kind of put to bed.
That relationship is kind of frozen we
created a new one that is more
advantageous to both of us in our
current States as we stand now. But
otherwise like in all cases the
relationship is dead right if you want
to see her again in public who she was
and what you guys had together is gone
like it's not it's not the same as it
used to be and it never will be. You
guys have done too much to each other in
through the break-up process that you
can't just like turn that stuff off and
then come back in and expect everything
to be hunky-dory okay. Just assume that
that's the case and if you engage with
her again you engage with her on a human
level on an individual level that isn't
backed up by all the tears of your
relationship that that allowed you guys
to stand on your own strength before
because those tears ultimately failed
you and took your whole relationship out
they are going to fail you again it's
better to just assume that all that
stuff is gone and it's it's all in the
past it's frozen you can't get to it and
then you can if you're going to talk to
her again you're going to create a new
relationship with new boundaries and new
feelings and new decisions. So those are
some coping mechanisms now I kind of
want to talk about some strategies for
dealing with the other human right. When
you break up with a girl sometimes it's
best just to cut off contact entirely
like there's just no speaking no contact
no nothing you know obviously if there
are kids involved there's like you know
shared property and stuff that's like a
different story but if you can just cut
it all off and just give you guys time
to heal and you guys come back with a
more a fresh perspective without all the
pain right. If you do have to talk to her
again the most high level what a deal
with it is with gratitude it's with kind
of thanking her for the good times that
you had really really appreciated her
for the
qualities in the ways that she made you
grow and the things that she made you
see the experiences she helped you
have you take all that stuff that you're
grateful for take all the things that
kept you in the relationship okay call
those things and just thank her for
those things periodically as your as
you're communicating with whatever else
you need to communicate with right. If
you're talking about stuff if you're
talking about you know meeting up and
exchanging things or mutual friends or
whatever you like you like you know I
know a relationships over but but I
really appreciated how I grew and and
thank you so much for sharing our time
with me and definitely wasn't a waste it
was awesome and then as you're doing
that and you focus on the good parts of
the relationship it keeps your Ras from
going in like demonizing or vilifying
the other person it keeps your RS from
like like going in and selectively
focusing on all the bad stuff. A lot of
people use that as a coping mechanism
and they like talk all the shit about
the human in their minds so they can
give themselves kind of a severance
between them and another person. The
problem is it is not entirely authentic
if you do a severance with another
person you say hey uh she was a total
bitch and she's really stupid and she's
country to me all the time and her
friends are stupid she's a sloppy eater
no this isn't right. But on the inside
you still miss snuggling her you still
missed the time she got together
whatever it's a dissonance and it makes
you feel like shit in both ways and I
say they know what don't do that. Focus
on all the good stuff right and be
grateful for the experience that you had
like when you get off of a roller
coaster right and it was a really good
time you remember the good times you
know remember all the weird crazy times
you were scared you don't remember all
the long wait line, you just remember the
good times and that's a good thing
because it's over right if you go
digital do it again then you're going to
remember the wait time you're going to
remember all that stuff but that's over
it's over it's game over so you can go
back and remember cherish those memories
in the positive light right. Only if you
want to start it up again should you
remember all the things that you should
be cautious of right and in my
experience you should not set up the end
you should go renew yourself and go find
somebody new or go find a new her after
she's going a little bit and try that
again from a new place from a more
mature evolved place because you're
using this breakup and you're using the
relationship
as something that can sort of want you
in to the next level as a man. The second
way I deal with other people as
gratitude not only gratitude but
introspection right. I just started
thinking okay how could I have done this
better how could I have done this better
how could I've done this better and not
how could they have done this better
because those answers are usually
readily apparent but if you ask how I
could have done better then you start
coming up with better strategies on
dealing with your relationships both
with her in the future and with other
women in the future because you're
learning a lot from the feedback that
you got from that relationship you say
how could I have done this better like
in my last relationship I was traveling
a lot so when I was in town I was trying
to get as much time with her as possible
and doing that made me come off as a
little needy and it made her feel
stressed out for me to be around and that
was just the wrong thing for me to do
and knowing that means that the next
relationship I'm either going to find a
woman who enjoys that kind of attention
or I'm going to not do that in order to
save my relationship because being able
to look at it from the outside and being
at respective was like what drove me to
be like that why was I stressing her out
why was I doing that stuff. That was
because I felt like I wasn't getting
enough time and I was getting a little
grass be about it I learned that about
myself and it's not going to be an issue
for me in the future it's going to help
me in future relationships introspection
is very very important along with
gratitude as strategies for dealing with
the other person in dealing with
yourself as you're growing so when
you're focusing on self-renewal there's
a couple of rules. First off you are
enough a lot of times you get out of
relationship you're sort of connected
the other human in a way that's in a
codependent way not into independent not
like two individuals helping each other
out. Not two individuals and the
relationship entity you know working in
synergy it's more like two individuals
sharing with each other and then when
they break off their missing parts of
each other and that is just not a
healthy way to deal with life's problems
and things they throw at you. Sometimes
it's okay to dip into that when you're
too weak to deal yourself and other
people to build you up it takes a
village sometimes but most of the time
if you rely on that stuff then you're
unable to make your own decisions I'm
able to do your own self-care that's not
good so you want to understand that as
you're renewing yourself
you as an individual are enough to handle
you. You lead you, you handle you, and
knowing that you are enough to do all
that stuff gives you the opportunity in
your introspection to come up with ways
to be more and more full version or next
level version of you so that you can
take you to the next level and as you
take you to the next level then you can
meet people who are on a higher level
than your ex. Secondly when you're doing
your introspection you have to take
massive action to fix the things that
aren't as high percentage for you the
things that are screwing you up right. If
you have some needy behavior or if you
have some insecurities that are coming
up, focus on finding those things and
then take a bunch of action to fix those
things for me I always felt kind of
physically insecure because a little bit
overweight and my health
problems were having it some issues. So
as soon as I broke up I used all the
extra resources the extra time to jump
right into the gym to start working out
and feeling healthier and eradicating
that insecurity. It's going to take me a
little while to get to a good good
healthy weight but chipping away at that
stuff is going to make me feel a lot
more confident in the things that we're
taking me out through the whole time and
we can go forward and do confident stuff
and approach and all that so all we want
but sometimes things stick with us over
time if we don't address them we're
going to need to address them eventually
and having the time post-breakup to
think about you know all the ways that
you broke up or you can focus on fixing
some of those insecurities I'd rather
focus on fixing things than not. And the
last thing when you're focusing on
renewal is to avoid replacing the other
person. I recommend staying out of
relationship for at least three months
because while you're doing all of your
self-care and all in all of your coming
back up and being a better individual
and going to the next level as a man
you're going to meet new people along
the way that are going to be fantastic
relationship partners and those new
people you can bring them in you can
date them, you can have sex you can do all
the stuff that you want but stop trying to
plan a future on the new people just
sort of let it unfold and kind of see
what goes on because you have a lot of
opportunity to learn from the dating
scene while you're there and single to
jump right into a relationship just so
you can use your old strata
geez and expect the other person to act
like the old person to meet your old
needs it sort of stops your growth. So
I'm not saying don't go out and date, go
out and date and I'm not saying go I'll
a definitely go do that but don't don't
try to replace the old person with the
new person. Love the new person for who
they are and create a relationship
around them that is sort of distant from
the kind of relationship that you had
the frozen one that you had with the
other with your ex so now that you dealt
with the loss in the grief and your kind
of moving forward and each day gets a
little bit more and more easier I want
you not only to work on some of your
insecurities and like go back to the gym
and do all these healthy cool things but
also get back into the game. When you get
back into the game there's a couple of
pitfalls guys run into sometimes they're
expecting the women in the field to be
as awesome and amazing and at
relationships and boundaries and
everything as their girlfriend that is
not true most of the girls that you go
out and meet are not going to be attuned
to you they're not going to grown
together then I've created the you know
memories and report everything with you
that's not because it's not going to
have happened so you're going to get
into these relationships that if you
expect them to be super high level
without doing all the work to build them
individually you're just going to fail
that's just going to it's going to be
horrible. And so when you go back and let
ship understand you gotta focus on the
basics you're going to go out and run
wheel game from ground 0 from from the
ground up to build something new that's
the whole point of this thing. Secondly
sometimes we'll jump into new things to
be distracted from the old relationship
and that's okay. It's okay to be in a new
relationship distracting yourself from
the old one because distraction is
awesome especially when you're getting
stimulated by all the cool feelings of
chase of the chase and getting a new
girl into your life that's awesome but
understand that authenticity is the key.
You don't want to roll in there and be
like oh yeah I just need a new
girlfriend I'm going to be all just for
you and probably make all these promises
and stuff when basically what you're
doing is you're rolling into a rebound.
Right doesn't mean that relationship
can't work it can and that's awesome but
it's not necessarily going to work you
should not act like it is right. You
should just say look this is where I'm
at I'm kind of broken here I am as a
human and I want to spend some time with
you I think you're cool
and you know we'll see where it goes and
when you do that you give everybody the
dignity and the benefit of a doubt to
build something out of the ashes of the
old thing. In the meantime you're getting
dates you're working on your game and
you're getting even better at filtering
getting better at setting boundaries and
getting better at everything you are as
a man. Once you change some of your
insecurities from introspection and then
you go out and you start dating you
start getting new people into your life
okay, set new standards. After the
relationship freezes and you no longer
have that to lean on you start to build
yourself up as a man and you're kind of
complete as a whole and you're moving
out in the field and doing great of
amazing things though their standards
should should change, your channel should
be better than the ones in the past. Your
ex as she was should no longer meet
those standards anymore because you are
better. By constantly growing and using
the relationship as a jump point to the
next level you can set your standards a
little bit higher and then your ex and
everybody liked her will have to raise
up in order to get your attention you'll
move yourself into a new level of the
dating pool with new girls who are
better suited to fit your needs and
you're better suited to meet theirs. So
those are my break up strategies and my
getting over your ex and moving on into
the next level of game.
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