Hello, world wide web!
I'm Decker Shado,
the internet personality with the best hair!
And it's time to tackle another long time request, believe it or not.
Dog Soldiers!
Released in 2002, but looking like something out of 1982...
Dog Soldiers is a low-budget Scottish horror film, written and directed by Neil Marshall.
It's about a group of soldiers!
They aren't dogs, but the name is a nice reference to the Cheyenne tribe militia, so there's that.
Also it's not like this movie doesn't have more than a little... canine influence on the events that unfold.
Suffice to say, in Dog Soldiers a small group of military men head out for a military exercise.
however...
This being a horror movie, shit does not go according to plan,
and before you know it they are being hunted by ravenous monsters in the forests of Scotland!
What, exactly?
My money's on an escaped, unshaven Sean Connery.
But let's take a look at Dog Soldiers and see just how wrong I am.
First thing's first, the movie reminds us this is Scotland
before introducing us to two random campers
played by Tina Landini and Craig Conway.
Their characters don't necessarily have names,
but they do have items that are obviously going to be very important later!
It's perfect.
Yeah, and it's also solid silver so don't lose it.
After all, you never know when some hellbeast'll show up and you need that bane damage to get the job done.
Or maybe you do, as these campers get ready for fuckin!
However, it would appear that it's not Jason Voorhees they're gonna have to look out for in this wilderness...
*cheesy stock scream*
*growling*
But the... Creeper Pumpkinhead..?
You know, they're right. Keeping the monster in the shadows does make the audience think of something far scarier than they could ever show us.
Also, about his silver letter opener...
Just ignore that for now, it's not good enough to get him out of this predicament.
But it's alright, he's still alive.
Mainly because we teleport two days (HOURS) earlier before he got fucking killed!
This introduces us to a new character,
Private Cooper, played by Kevin McKi dd.
We find him RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE
but not quite fast enough...
You evaded capture for 22 hours...
...and 47 minutes.
We'll be docking your pay for that.
Get your ass back to work, the grill isn't going to clean itself.
He may not be a fast food employee,
but he is actually in training for this special ops team
led by Captain Ryan, played by Liam Cunningham.
He's quite the demanding boss, however...
*bark bark bark*
Here, shoot the dog.
Oh gee, I wonder if he might be the bad guy?
As Cooper is a good guy, following the direct order to kill an innocent animal isn't one of the things his character is capable of.
So bad guy Ryan shoots the dog anyway!
thankfully off screen...
before informing Private Cooper that he's failed his initiation into special forces.
No bother, skipping right past the opening scene we jump 4 weeks ahead
to find that the team Cooper is a part of just so happen to be selected for a training exercise in these woods.
Said team consisting of the leader, Sergeant H.G. Wells, played by Sean Pertwee,
Corporal Bruce Campbell, played by Thomas Lockyer
Spoony, played by Darren Morfitt...
Uh, just a second, I mean...
I wouldn't think that that would be a reference to "The Spoony One" but...
all things considered...
Well, the team is rounded out with privates Joe Kirkley and Terry Milburn,
Played by Chris Robson and Lesley Simpson, respectively.
The team has been brought out here, armed with blanks to perform combat exercises against a special forces team.
They also spend enough time bickering back and forth that we get a good feel for the characters and their individual motivations.
Can't believe I'm missing the footy for this.. "party."
Joe, if you don't shut up I swear to God I'm gonna fucking slot you myself, now move!
Didn't say a word, sarge...
Honestly, I really like the character interactions in this movie.
It's crude and aggressive, but believable.
It feels a lot less like the group from Sabotage and a lot more like the guys from Predator.
Bloody brilliant, mate.
Either way, noting a gap in the enemy's defensive line the group heads forth to sneak through the riverbed under the cover of night...
It's a long walk, past cows with itchy butts.
So they have plenty of time for more chats.
Both to let us get to know the character quirks a bit better,
and to remind us that a couple of unsuspecting campers were killed in these very woods just one month ago!
not only that...
They aren't the only ones.
Lots of people just vanish after coming this way!
They're never. seen. again.
Oooooooooh
*laughter*
Which they obviously don't believe.
I really can't blame em on that one.
This campfire story's been done to death.
Our first hint that things may not be as they seem
Is the fact that the special forces they are going against happen to be led by special forces bad guy himself, Captain Ryan!
That, and he is tracking their progress but not engaging them
suggesting that this isn't the exercise they were led to believe...
No bother, another night another campfire and another batch of campfire stories await!
This time the team goes around the circle, asking each of them what it is that scares them the most.
Spiders.
And women.
and.. uh..
Spider-women.
*laughter*
Really?
I always kinda had a thing for driders.
You can count on H.G. Wells to come up with a story to terrify his men, though.
Recalling his years of military service...
he brings up a friend of his from way back when.
Eddie.
A true believer, he somehow figured his soul was fine, but his body was damned, so what the hell
get a tattoo of the devil on his ass to keep that in one piece.
Despite this lucky charm, one anti-tank mine later and Wells had to spend some time scooping up stray pieces of his friend.
Hardly recognizable, spare for one lone butt cheek in pristine condition
with a devil tattoo on it.
So you could say that Eddie was right
that Satan did indeed save his skin,
just not all of it.
Well god damn, how in the hell are you supposed to follow up a story like that?
Bartender's lookin at him thinkin what the fuckin hell's going on here?
Then he looks back at the dog and to his surprise the dog turns-
Fucking cow!
A jump scare? Really?
You know, this is exactly why every single attempt to make a new Twilight Zone series always falls flat.
As expected, this startles the hell out of the guys
but once they realize it's just a dead cow, they aren't scared at all.
I mean, sure it's got horrible wounds from bites and or claws,
but that could mean anything!
Come morning, they figure the cow dropped down a convenient cliff near their campsite
and don't pay it all that much mind past that.
However the trail to the riverbed has it's own spooky surprises like...
random pools of blood
piles of guts
and let's not forget the special forces equipment laying everywhere but the special forces themselves nowhere to be found...
Alright, corporal.
Get on the net, call in. I want an emergency airlift immediately.
I'm on it.
AAAAAGH!
Contact!
Even worse...
the lone survivor is captain douchebag.
Though survivor may be pushing it, as the man has some massive wounds on his chest.
and is suffering from serious blood loss.
Sucks to be him, as it seems not only was the special forces radio ripped to shreds,
but our group of grunts can't get their equipment to work.
Seems not only is it fried, but it's definitely been fucked with.
I also found this.
It was attached inside. Not part of the radio.
Looks like a transmitter.
Why would they put a bug in our radio?
Well fuck if it's anything like how my facebook is scoured for information,
it's to serve you ads and sell you shit.
Unfortunately though, the sun's going to be setting very soon
and what's worse...
they're not alone.
Bruce, Bruce...
Maybe try racking the slide...
AFTER putting the magazine in.
As Mr. Campbell can't figure out how firearms work, he runs for his life!
As expected, this doesn't work either.
Okay, did the creatures do that or did he just run into the tree like an idiot?
I mean, with the editing it's a little hard to tell.
One thing we can say for certain...
the beasts TEAR into sergeant Wells
leaving his insides on the outside!
Not quite killing him though,
as Cooper swoops in to save him!
As dusk sets in...
It does make things look pretty bad for our team
as they are relentlessly hunted by the mysterious monsters!
But what's this? A car is spotted on the road!
Damn you, anti-lock breaks!
Always doing what you can to prevent the body count from rising.
Well, that and the fact that the driver, Megan played by Emma Cleasby, has just swooped in to save them!
Considering this is a horror movie, even though the car doesn't stall it still won't move.
Giving the creatures plenty of time to terrify the passengers before they manage to slip away.
I heard gunfire last night.
I knew someone was out there.
If you weren't already in trouble than you soon would be.
We are.
The radio's out, Bruce didn't even fucking know how to use guns and no one remembered to pack the marshmallows.
He's more interested in helping the wounded, actually.
So Megan mentions this place has a whole... one option, for shelter.
A farm!
It's cool though, she knows the folks who own the place.
However, when they arrive it looks abandoned..
Unless you count Sam here, played by Villrikke's Acer in their only role.
No bother, it just means you don't have to ask permission.
Wait, you can't just help yourself!
I'm chinstrapped and I'm bloody starvin.
Can't help meself.
It's the training, miss.
Never waste an opportunity to eat.
You should feel lucky, it got more than a little awkward during our tour of Candyland.
Slight problem though, there's no phone.
According to Megan, the closest line is a whopping 50 miles away.
Which means this forest is larger and less populated than any forest in Scotland, but that's not the point.
They're not going anywhere anyway because the monsters just so happened to tear Megan's jeep to pieces!
And.. then Cooper blows it up.
THAT WAS MY CAR!
Yes.
The operative word there is "was."
He caused the explosion in an attempt to drive the beasts off, but they're still kicking.
This calls for a handy-dandy deadbolt.
Okay, problem solved!
Now they have enough time to introduce themselves, and get the motivations out of the way.
You came here because of them, right?
I don't have a fucking clue what "they" are
and right now, I don't really care.
Then what are you doing here?
Well to be honest with you I...
went for a walk trying to hatch some Pokemon eggs and...
I guess I got a little carried away.
Hearing they're not part of an elite squad sent to take out the creatures but instead a collection of grunts caught here after an unrelated routine exercise,
she decides the least she could do is fill them in on exactly what the hell they're up against.
What are we talking about here, wolves?
Not entirely wolf.
Nor all human, but...
something in between.
Oh dear god
they're surrounded by murderous furries!
Or werewolves.
Doesn't exactly rule my theory out anyway.
Of course, Cooper doesn't believe her despite what he's seen already.
It's not too important.
The first thing he's gotta do is give emergency medical attention to Sergeant Wells.
Holding his abdomen together with good old fashioned super glue.
This stuff was developed for the Vietnam war to patch up broken soldiers.
Well, maybe but that doesn't mean there has to be a movie out there
where in a last ditch effort, in the nick of time they save the day
with Silly Putty!
Though there probably should be, that would be awesome!
No matter the case, this is going to require a little more than some whiskey anesthesia.
Knock me out! HIT ME!!!1!
Oy, ya fuckin pussy hit me p-
Lucky bastard, not only do they not knock me out for my dental work,
but they tell me I can't even have alcohol for a while afterwards.
After they're done making sure the sergeant has the guts to survive,
Megan goes over her role in this Scottish werewolf in Scotland tale.
While Cooper fills a magazine with...
rounds that have already had their primers struck...
Well it looks like the body count ain't done yet.
But either way, Megan is a wildlife photographer
who came here after reports of strange creatures kept popping up.
Believing it to be some rare beast, she was more than a little surprised herself to find out
they were MUTHAFUCKIN WEREWOLVES!
The eyebrows thing is nonsense, it's just dark age paranoia.
Silver bullets... no one's ever got close enough to try.
How close do you have to be? They're projectile weapons.
They project.
Cooper still doesn't buy it, but that's not the important thing.
He's gotta introduce her to all his team, plus one more.
Ryan over here, who is special forces and and now quite chipper for a man who lost so much blood not all that long ago.
Trying to find out why results in a scuffle, but that's nothing some spare bindings can't solve.
But wouldn't you know it...
What now?
They shut down the generator!
Why would they do that?
Because they can see in the dark!
And you're afraid of it.
Uh, no. The not being able to see shit part is enough of a disadvantage on it's own.
As we could expect, this leads to an attack!
The power being out means we conveniently can't see the werewolves all that well
allowing the soldiers to look totally badass as they battle back the malevolent monstrosities!
Fuck!
So much for class balance.
If you're gonna let the werewolves use shotguns, why not give them motorcycles and leather jackets on top of it?
No one could defeat something so badass...
Fortunately for the soldiers, the shotgun wielding is a one and done deal with the werewolves.
They seem to be a more traditional pack
Forgoing things like clothing, or pressing forward against the barrage of lead bullets that are clearly not killing them.
Instead, after taking enough fire they turn tail and leave.
Dogs?
More like pussies.
And the body count rises!
It's about damn time, the last person to die was Bruce and that was like a half hour ago.
But now Terry is fuckin dead!
And Megan accidentally cuts her hand on the perfectly clean glass...
Oh well, I'm sure this is actually a horrible thing that we should all worry about later.
Right now they have to figure out what to do...
Considering they have a total of 0 travel options, it doesn't take long to come up with the idea to hold out for 6 or so hours until sunrise.
Evil Dead style!
We can't have constant werewolf attacks though,
so this gives Megan even more time to talk about the concept of the plot with the other characters.
Those things out there are real.
And if they're real, what else is real?
All right, all right! I'll review Leprechaun! Jesus Christ...
But the real dark revelation is the surprise that Megan ALSO knows Captain Ryan!
As it turns out
His team came down and questioned her about the mysterious creatures that allegedly inhabit these woods!
They came to check out the stories and they needed an expert.
It's just a few more hours, Cooper. That's all it is.
All clear?
And that particular plot point is never brought up again.
The hell were they trying to do? Make Ryan the boogeyman of every character?
What are we gonna learn next? He gave Spoony swirlies in high school?
Which would be nicer than what's going on for him today.
Seems Megan neglected to mention that there just so happens to be a Land Rover in the shed.
But she doesn't have the keys, so if Spoon could be a doll..
or more specifically, the bait to draw the werewolves away
Joe can quickly slip into the shed, and hotwire the car.
Leaving the lycanthropes lackadaisical to his location!
Fuck this!
Well, if you want all the werewolf perks you gotta eat a few motherfuckers.
No reason to wait around, Joe's in a freshly hotwired car so he drives it away to save everyone!
Cept.. one slight problem.
You're behind me, aren't you?
*HISSSSS*
Either that, or a fucking Xenomorph decided to hitch a ride.
The end result is the same;
Sloppy Joe!
That results in a short little shootout,
and wouldn't you know it?
While the car still runs, the busted fuel line means they won't make it nearly far enough before becoming a boxed lunch.
Oh well, guess there's not much else to do right now but get more exposition out of the way!
Remember that operation Ryan was doing out here?
Well it turns out he knew about the werewolves all along!
Or at least there being one. The pack thing kinda fucked up his plans.
The point is, they never came out to destroy them but capture and retrieve one
to be used for military purposes!
How exactly did Wells' unit fit into this plan?
I made a gap in enemy lines.
You were good enough to spot it and predictable enough to go for it.
That was your bait.
You were mine.
They were camo bedecked kibbles n' bits from the get go.
Crew expendable, and all that jazz.
To make matters worse.. remember that werewolf attack that Ryan survived?
Good!
Remember what happens to those who are bitten and or scratched by werewolves but live?
Yeah, Ryan's a werewolf now.
He might slip away, but don't worry.
They wound him just enough to ensure he'll be easily identifiable during the final confrontation.
Also, round this time the characters finally realize the happy friendly farmer family that lives here
probably happens to be the werewolf pack that's been tormenting them all this time
so they aren't likely to back away any time soon.
The bad news just keeps coming as Wells reveals that his disembowelment is feeling much better...
because he is in fact turning, just like Ryan!
With their backs to the wall, it's decided that they should take the fight to the pack
Sabotaging the busted land rover, and taking out what surely is the werewolf lair
the nearby shed!
Which runs into a few snags, but overall goes pretty well.
You know what that means.
This stunt didn't help at all because DUN DUN DUNNNNNN
Megan was working with the werewolves the entire time!
She did come as a nature photographer, and actually was still human
and being held captive by the were-family.
But all that's changed now that that tiny piece of glass cut her hand,
and now there's no way she's going to escape the curse.
So...
Gotta kill everyone now, I guess.
They were always here.
I just unlocked the door.
It's that time of the month.
Really? I thought this movie was bloody enough.
Thus, she transforms into were-bitch!
and is promptly killed.
Now with the werewolves crawling all over the interior, Spoon, Wells and Cooper must fight to survive!
I... think?
It's dark, and the action and cuts are a little on the confusing side.
It is a confusing situation, so that makes sense.
But it does make it a little easy to lose track of exactly who is left, and in what condition.
Where's Spoon?
There is no Spoon!
Yeah, that was a Matrix reference.
What a horrible way to die...
With most all the werewolves surrounding them, and Wells quickly starting to turn
he makes the command decision to let Cooper escape into the basement
While he himself utilizes a combination of gas lines,
and the spirit of Michael Bay
to BLOW THE WHOLE FUCKING HOUSE TO KINGDOM COME!
This leaves Cooper as the sole survivor.
Sort of...
Ryan.
You tried licking your own balls yet?
Geez, wolf man. How many fleas you got crawling up your ass?
Oh yeah, but remember that little tiny thingamabobber they established in the first scene, and mentioned was solid silver?
Well it just so happens to be right there
and Cooper stabs it into were-Ryan
killing the beast with the power of the prop department!
Therefore, happy ending!
Cooper has survived.
Everyone else is fuckin' dead, and the place is a smoldering wasteland.
But don't worry
He's got his new friend, Dogmeat, to keep him company. So everything is going to be okay.
Assuming Scotland transforms back into Scotland,
and he doesn't have to walk for 12 weeks to get anywhere out of there
with no food and water or anything on the way...
Anyway!
That was Dog Soldiers, and...
it's a pretty basic low budget horror affair.
And it's fantastic!
Considering the year it came out in, I'm not sure if the film grain was an intentional nod to the 80s look,
or if it was simply what the production could afford that would give them the aesthetic they were going for.
Whatever the case, Dog Soldiers does feel like an 80s horror film that was somehow made in the early 2000s.
Like I said, the concept is simple.
It's pretty much an "old dark house" film with werewolves.
Not the most out there creative monster you can think of.
These aren't even special werewolves, with skill modifiers or hot young guy modes.
Just the classic wolf men who fucking kill people during the full moon.
Yet somehow, the movie comes together brilliantly.
I attribute that mainly to the cast of characters and the actors portraying them.
Each is unique enough that even though I admittedly had a little trouble with the accent at times,
I was still engaged by their banter.
We're given enough time to get to really know each member of the team,
and their jabs at each other really feel like camaraderie instead of hostility.
It's said that at one point, Jason Statham was lined up to play a lead role
but for one reason or another couldn't make it.
Much as I honestly enjoy the man's work, I say good.
As Statham's presence would have likely thrown all of that way off balance.
Unfortunately with such a basic plot though,
A lot of the twists are pretty easy to figure out much earlier than they are revealed to the viewer.
Despite this, the whole of the movie is plenty entertaining.
Coming in at a solid 4
obviously useless rounds of ammunition
out of 5.
And thank you all for suggesting I review it, because..
the DVD case for this movie really doesn't do it justice.
Thank you all for watching, I have been Decker Shado, and remember:
If a stray werewolf follows you home,
don't feed it your little brother. It'll never leave.
Oy, ya fuckin pussy hit me p-
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