Okay, Mr. Witwicky, you're up.
Sorry, I got a lot of stuff.
Watch.
Okay.
For my family...
Who did... Who did that? People! Responsibility.
Okay.
So, for my family genealogy report,
I decided to do it on my great-great-grandfather,
who was a famous man, Captain Archibald Witwicky.
Very famous explorer.
In fact, he was one of the first to explore the Arctic Circle, which is a big deal.
In 1897, he took 41 brave sailors straight into the Arctic Shelf.
Move faster, men! Move! Chop! Heave!
The ice is freezing faster than it's melting! Chop faster! Heave, men!
Heave! No sacrifice, no victory!
We'll get to the Arctic Circle, lads!
So that's the story, right?
And here we have some of the basic instruments and tools
used by 19th-century seamen.
This here is the quadrant, which you can get for 80 bucks.
It's all for sale, by the way.
Like the sextant here. $50 for this, which is a bargain.
These are pretty cool. These are my grandfather's glasses.
I haven't quite gotten them appraised yet, but they've seen many cool things.
Are you going to sell me his liver?
Mr. Witwicky, this isn't show and sell. It's the 11th grade.
I don't think your grandfather would be
particularly proud of what you're doing.
I know. I'm sorry. I just, you know, this is all going towards my car fund.
You can tell your folks. It's on eBay. I take PayPal.
Cold hard cash works, too.
And the compass makes a great gift for Columbus Day.
- Sam! - Sorry.
Unfortunately, my great-great-grandfather,
the genius that he was, wound up going blind and crazy in a psycho ward,
drawing these strange symbols
and babbling on about some giant ice man
that he thought he'd discovered.
Okay. Might be a pop quiz tomorrow. Might not.
- Sleep in fear tonight. - Here, you want? Here, 50. 40? 30?
- Sam? - Yeah. Sorry, sorry.
Okay. Pretty good, right?
I'd say a solid B- .
A B-?
You were hawking your great-grandfather's crap
- in my classroom. - No, kids enjoy...
- Look, can you do me a favor? - What?
Can you look out the window for a second? You see my father?
- He's the guy in the green car. - Yeah.
Okay, I wanna tell you about a dream. A boy's dream.
And a man's promise to that boy.
He looked at me in the eye. He said, "Son, I'm gonna buy you a car.
"But I want you to bring me $2,000 and three As."
Okay? I got the 2,000 and I got two As.
Okay? Here's the dream. Your B- . Dream gone. Kaput.
Sir, just ask yourself, what would Jesus do?
Yes! Yes, yes.
So?
A- . It's an A, though.
Wait, wait, wait. I can't see. It's an A.
- So I'm good? - You're good.
- I got a little surprise for you, son. - What kind of...
Yeah, a little surprise.
No. No, no, no, no. Dad!
- Oh, you got to be kidding me. - See?
Yeah. I am. You're not getting a Porsche.
- You think that's funny? - Yeah, I think it's funny.
- What's wrong with you? - You think I'd really get you
a Porsche for your first car?
I don't want to talk to you for the rest of this whole thing.
- Oh, come on. It's just a practical joke. - It's not a funny joke.
- Manny! - What?
Get your cousin out of that damn clown suit.
He's having a heat stroke again.
Scaring white folks.
I'm hot! Makeup's melting. It hurts my eyes.
Here? No, no, no, what is this? You said... You said half a car,
not half a piece of crap, Dad.
When I was your age, I'd have been happy with four wheels and an engine.
Okay, let me explain something to you. Okay?
- You ever see 40-Year-Old Virgin? - Yeah.
Okay, that's what this is. And this is 50-year-old virgin.
- Okay. - You want me to live that life?
- No sacrifice, no victory. - Yeah, no victory. You know, I got it.
- The old Witwicky motto, Dad. - Right.
Gentlemen.
Bobby Bolivia, like the country, except without the runs.
How can I help you?
Well, my son here, looking to buy his first car.
- You come to see me? - I had to.
That practically makes us family. Uncle Bobby B, baby. Uncle Bobby B.
- Sam. - Sam, let me talk to you.
Sam, your first enchilada of freedom awaits underneath one of those hoods.
Let me tell you something, son. A driver don't pick the car.
The car'll pick the driver.
It's a mystical bond between man and machine.
Son, I'm a lot of things, but a liar's not one of them.
Especially not in front of my mammy. That's my mammy. Hey, Mammy!
Don't be like that. If I had a rock, I'd bust your head, bitch.
I tell you, man, she deaf, you know?
Well, over here, every piece of car a man might want or need.
This ain't bad.
- This one's got racing stripes. - Yeah.
It got racing...
Yeah, what's this? What the heck is this?
I don't know nothing about this car.
- Manny! - What?
What is this? This car! Check it out!
I don't know, boss! I've never seen it! That's loco!
Don't go Ricky Ricardo on me, Manny! Find out!
Feels good.
- How much? - Well,
considering the semi-classic nature of the vehicle,
with the slick wheels and the custom paint job...
- Yeah, but the paint's faded. - Yeah, but it's custom.
It's custom faded?
Well, this is your first car. I wouldn't expect you to understand.
- Five grand. - No, I'm not paying over four. Sorry.
Kid, come on, get out. Get out the car.
No, no, no. You said cars pick their drivers.
Well, sometimes they pick a driver with a cheap-ass father. Out the car.
Now, this one here for four Gs is a beaut.
There's a Fiesta with racing stripes over there.
No, I don't want a Fiesta with racing stripes.
This is a classic engine right here.
I sold a car the other day...
Gee. Holy cow.
- No, no, no. No worries. - You all right?
I'll get a sledgehammer and knock this right out. Hey, hey, Manny!
Get your clown cousin and get some hammers
and come bang this stuff out, baby!
... greater than man...
That one's my favorite, drove all the way from Alabammy.
$4,000.
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