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[Announcer]: Welcome to Episode 30 of The Painting Experience podcast. Listen as founder
Stewart Cubley explores the potential of the emerging field of process arts
and shares inspiration from his ongoing workshops and retreats. It's easy to get
hooked on the rush we get when we like what we've painted or when somebody else
says it's great. Shifting our focus from outcome to process requires a courageous
about-face, embracing emptiness as we allow our experience to find its own integrity.
[Stewart]: I received an email recently from a woman who had participated in her
first online painting session with me and in fact it was her very first
process painting session. And afterwards she sent me this: "I was ambivalent about
the session afterwards, wanting that dopamine hit of a beautiful end result.
Then it dawned on me that I had been fighting my inner judge the whole
session. Hooked on needing an affirmation, I felt naked with my own creativity
and I remembered that little girl who stopped drawing and tore up her paper
in frustration because it didn't look right." I thought this was great it was
such an insight and a perspective to bring after her first process painting
session -- and to recognize that need for that dopamine hit of external
affirmation. And the emptiness of that and also how deeply encultured it is
and imbedded in the very upbringing that we have, where we're identified with the
outcome of our activity rather than the activity itself.
And then she went on to
say, "This process painting is very powerful. The feeling of nowhere to hide,
face to face with yourself alone, is indescribable and has to be experienced.
I thought I understood the purpose of process painting and I did, intellectually,
but now it's an embodied experience, miraculous and surprising."
I often say that to engage process painting is to make an about-face.
And it's an about-face from our addiction to external affirmation, to
something that is inherently much more satisfying, which is an internal
affirmation. We don't really know how to do this, we are so habituated to looking
for affirmation outside of ourselves. Whenever someone likes the painting or
says something positive about our result or we like our own painting, they're
equally external affirmations. And to make the about-face, to actually turn
toward yourself in this essential way that process painting invites you into,
does require facing an internal emptiness. There's a sense of being naked
in front of yourself, a certain way being devoid of self. There's almost like it's
a no-self state because we're constantly defining ourselves through the
affirmations externally. When we stop doing that and look without that lens
there seems to be nothing there. Wow! Who am I? I don't know what to do. I don't
have any measuring stick. I don't have any criterion for moving forward. There's
a tremendous emptiness and I might say a tremendous potential and I guess that it
takes a certain dissatisfaction with the superficiality of all of the external
affirmations that we're subjected to and expected to respond to. That
ready someone to make this about-face. There has to be a certain way in which
you just feel like this is not enough, this is not satisfying me deeply. I know
there's more integrity. And so when you do make this about-face and you do turn
toward the emptiness something magic happens. Within that emptiness, within
that void that seems to present itself when you drop the external, there's a
light. There's something that happens spontaneously.
It's not in order to avoid the emptiness, it's something that genuinely emerges
from that space it wants to take form. It's a color, it's a stroke, it's an image
and in the beginning we don't recognize this.
We often dismiss it. We often think, "Oh, that's just because," or "Oh, I've done that
before," or "That's not significant." We don't know how to view it with any real
perspective. And so part of the process is learning to recognize and then
respect that which emerges from not knowing, that which emerges from that
space, and then dare to give it form. Dare to take it and to say, okay I don't know
where this is coming from, I don't know what it's gonna look like, I don't know
if I'm gonna like it but it's been given to me, it came to me and so I take that
first tentative step. I let the brush move with that new light that is shining
through me. I don't know how to do it really but it seems to want to go this
way and it shows up on the paper. And then, of course, given how habituated
we are to the external affirmation mind, we will step back and often judge
it and say, "Oh, that's so paltry, that is so unworthy." And we find ourselves then
back in product-oriented mind, judging mind, bringing in that habit of not being
good enough. This is something that comes up again and again and again in this
process, of course, is not being good enough. Sometimes people think this is an
issue I've got. I've got to work on my issue of not being good enough. I can see
where it's tied into my childhood, and it's because of my parents and it's
because of these experiences I've had in the past and I've got an issue. Well I
think everyone's got an issue and I think we've all got the same issue and I
don't think it's necessarily something that is because of an experience. I think
it's because of the way in which we're looking. I think it's because we are
looking through this lens of external affirmation and in doing so missing the
internal affirmation that can come through facing this emptiness. That can
come through feeling naked and undefended and therefore willing to
receive because in that moment of feeling undefended we're willing to
receive. Something can come through. Once we let down our demands and our
judgments and our preferences and say, "Okay, what's there?" Something comes
through. There was another woman in that same session who made this comment:
"Letting go to the imagination is bigger than the imagination." I thought that
really points to the essence here. Letting go to the imagination is bigger
than the imagination. In other words, it's the act of opening. It's the act of
seeing the light within the emptiness, that is really the important thing. The
form that it takes is none of your business and I often say this to people
when they start going on about feeling that it's insufficient. That what they've
done is insufficient, I'll say, "Why are you so involved with something that's none
of your business?" Your business is the act of giving birth,
the form that arises is always going to be limited. It's always going to be
something that's just color and paint on paper. It's never going to be enough. it's
never going to satisfy that deeper need. The deeper need is the affirmation that
comes from the contact itself. That the creative source is actually there alive
and well waiting for us -- and if we turn toward it, that very act is the whole
deal. Something's going to come out of it and there'll be a painting and you'll
either like it or don't like it and you'll be enthralled by it or you'll
judge it and then that changes depending on the moment you're looking at it but
all of that is on a totally different level. It doesn't matter. What really
matters is that willingness to penetrate and to explore and to not turn away from
the essential emptiness, where our true self is found.
[Announcer]: You can learn more about The Painting Experience and find a list of upcoming process
painting workshops by visiting our website at www.processarts.com.
If you enjoyed what you heard today, please share it with a friend.
The theme music for this podcast comes from Stephan Jacob.
We thank you for listening and hope you'll join us again soon.
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