- [Annie] Hello, hello!
This is my scrappy VidCon 2018 video,
so let's just get into it.
Met up with Chase and Aaron,
and talked about the intersection
of gender and disability, and went to Whole Foods.
Connor and I caught up and cried
and talked about gender and transition a lot,
and then we watched Queer Eye season one for the first time.
And it was pure joy.
Their cat Socks is a perfect angel.
All the rumors are true. (laughs)
Then I stayed with Andrea,
and had a vegan wrap and wellness shot for breakfast.
(laughs)
Ran into a very punny church on the way to the hospital.
I also noticed that where I was staying
was just a couple of blocks from Hotel Cecil,
which I thought was really cool.
And then we sat in a rooftop hot tub
looking out at the city skyline at night, and had Chipotle.
Day One.
Met up with Sarah and Jenny, met Ash and Grace.
First night at VidCon I met up with Jessica and pals,
and they are the lesbian squad of dreams.
I got a moving photo where I look
like a warlock spinning light.
Day Two.
The next day, Rachel arrived.
Rachel and I raced in our power chairs.
(screaming)
- Oh, shoot! Oh, man! Oh, she's comin' for front!
- I'm Annie Segarra, Annie Elainey on YouTube.
I identify as a non-binary woman,
or demiwoman, genderfluid, genderqueer,
there with exploring all these words that feel right,
and my pronouns are kind of indifferent,
but mostly she or they.
For my own mental health, I think that it's better
to try and love it, to try and accept it,
because I don't wanna be miserable.
I don't wanna hate my body,
and I don't wanna hate my life or hate myself.
So even though I would never sugar-coat my disease,
and be like "I love it 100%,
"it is so great to be in pain all the time,
"and get injured all the time, and be in bed all the time,
"and all the shitty aspects of it."
Um...
I don't love all the shitty aspects
about being really, really sick.
Um...
But I wanna be happy, so I'm gonna try and be happy,
and I'm gonna try and look for things to be grateful for,
I'm gonna try and figure out
how I can accept these things about myself.
And disability in regards to transness
is also its own obstacle.
Trying to get surgeries, or get anything
that's very gender affirming on your disabled body.
First, there's the economic obstacle,
it's finding the money to do things
that are very gender-affirming on yourself.
But then my disease makes surgery extremely risky.
My disease makes surgery, the typical recovery time:
double time, triple time.
And even more painful than the average person.
And painkillers don't work on me, so that would be terrible.
I had surgery once and I woke up and I felt everything.
They had sliced into my calf, into my foot,
and basically I went into shock,
because I was in so much pain
and didn't have the energy to scream anymore.
So that makes me very hesitant to get
any other kind of surgery,
even though I may really, really want it,
really, really need it,
I have to think very hard before I do that.
- After that, rode out with my #WheelieQueer gang,
and did two videos with Jessica about disability and gender,
and disability and body image.
That night, we had YouTube partner reception,
where Kaitlyn had such intensely kind words
about my performance at the gender panel,
and I sobbed in their arms.
(dance music)
Day Three.
Rachel, Chase, Aaron, and I watched Bo Burnum speak,
and his words were like a damn orchestra.
The violins, y'all.
Chronic illness panel's actually the one I didn't cry at.
Doctors are not gods.
And they have biases, they have prejudices.
They can be bigoted.
There's a lot of struggle right now
with sexism in the medical industry.
Medical industry, haha, has a lot of improvements to do.
Sexism is a big part of it,
so if you are femme-presenting, if you're a woman,
if you're anybody, to be honest,
but it does happen a lot more to people who present femme,
or who are women, if they come to the doctor with pain,
the doctor's like, "You gotta suck it up.
You gotta get a little stronger.
Come on, come on.
You're not practicing walking in those heels,
like, it's what your people do."
If you think about it, how small you must feel,
how trapped you must feel, like,
"How do I get out into the world?
How do I get my needs met?
How do I step outside my house
if nobody believes that I'm sick?"
Um...
But--
So that's, I don't have the answer for that.
That's something that we have to keep discussing,
and hopefully progresses over time.
...Be like "Oh, I could never do what you do",
"I could never live with your illness", like,
worst comes to worst, "I would kill myself if I were you."
(Audience member groans)
And it's just like, the first thing I always say
to these people who say things like that, I'm like,
they wanna imply that you're brave.
They're trying to give you a compliment.
I'm like, "It's not brave.
"You really don't know what you're capable of
"until you're in the situation,
"and I think you're gonna be surprised
"if you really, genuinely think that you cannot handle it,
"or that I'm brave for handling it,
um...
"where your strengths are.
"You're gonna be very surprised with yourself.
"Like, what you're capable of.
"Because you want to live. You want to be here.
"You love life, and so you're gonna figure out
"how to make it continue... happening."
- Look at my beautiful little angels
playing with beautiful little angels.
- [Person Offscreen] Look at them!
- Afterwards, we did photo ops
with Rachel and Kat Blaque in the Twitter Lounge.
My friend Sarah came in time for the expo hall,
and we all took cute pictures with props
and played with puppies!
- [Annie Offscreen] This is so much.
- So sweet!
- [Person Offscreen] Still packed in here.
- [Annie Offscreen] Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.
(squealing)
- [Sarah Offscreen] You're kinda like a magnet
for love right now.
It's pretty great. - This is amazing.
- [Ash] Hey, baby, there.
(cooing)
- [Annie Offscreen] Oh my goodness!
- Do you see this?
- [Annie Offscreen] Oh my goodness, oh my goodness.
Oh the puppy, the puppy!
- [Annie Offscreen] Look at this! (laughs)
-[Stevie] Look at everyone. Everyone's a friend.
Everyone's a friend. Don't worry.
It's okay. It's okay. - Little baby. The baby.
(Annie laughs)
No one's--why's she growling? She's so mad.
- [Annie Offscreen] I don't know.
Oh, it's a party.
(dog barking)
- [Annie] That night, we all hung out
till very late in our hotel rooms
and played a game of Paranoia with everyone.
Day Four.
Disability panel went well, and I cried at some point
about giving the kids a chance
and NOT teaching them ableism.
- It's about, again, it's about exposure,
it's about helping people be connected,
especially at young ages in the school.
It breaks my heart thinking about that in the school
they separate disabled students from abled students.
That they're kept from a distance.
And that's only reinforcing that idea...
that they're different from you,
and you can't look at them, and you can't touch them,
and, like, I'm gonna freaking cry right now.
And that goes all the way into our adulthood.
That it's the same, it stays the same.
Adults, they grow up thinking that.
They grow up with this culture of, like,
"They're less than me, they're weird,
I don't wanna interact with them",
'cause it's social status too, right,
they're low social status, "They're the weirdos,
they're the freaks."
And they hold onto that for the rest of their lives,
'cause everybody loves a good social status.
Everybody loves being the cool kid.
- Did you ever internalize that for yourself?
- Oh, yeah.
'Cause I had undiagnosed disability
for the majority of my life.
Thank you... So, like, that sucks so much.
It's just such a huge thing for it
to be normalized in that way.
And if, you know, sometimes, right,
let's say you live in a community
where there are no disabled people, which, wow.
But then that's when media representation is so important.
We can create that impact by reaching people
through their laptop screens,
through their television screens,
through their movie theater screens,
when you, what, there's 20% of people in this country,
probably more undiagnosed people, have a disability.
So why aren't we visible in the media?
Why don't people know who we are?
Why are people so afraid?
- [Annie] Took some photos at the Latino bodega,
and in the stuffed frogs at the Instagram lounge.
Did a podcast with Chase and Aaron.
- One, two, three, go. Oh, shit.
(singing)
- [Annie] Stevie took me out to a cute soul food dinner
at a place with an accessible bar.
Then through the Hollywood stars,
and past the real Chinese theater to Hotel Roosevelt,
where we had drinks and looked at old architecture.
And yes, the history was preserved
and they made it accessible, who knew?
We had a nice queer get-together night,
filled with healing, manifestations,
food, drinks, YouTube, and living room light shows.
- [Person Offscreen] A scam psychic medium!
- [Other Person Offscreen] Tell people, like, ooh,
I've been connecting with the spirits.
- [Annie] It's amazing.
The company I keep is really magical.
They are magical, powerful, world-changing people,
and I am honored to know them and to love them.
Thank you so much to VidCon
for all the opportunities you grant me,
but especially the opportunity to be among people
with shared interests, people within my community,
and people doing really brave and wonderful things.
And I'll see you all eventually.
Bye!
(Rock music)
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