Michelle Phan was one of the first, and by far one of the most successful, YouTube beauty
gurus on the planet.
At her peak, she boasted 8.9 million subscribers , earning over 1.1 billion views, with her
famous 2009 Barbie tutorial garnering more than 67 million views alone.
Her YouTube popularity led to a collaboration with Lancôme, a ton of press, and a $100
million makeup brand with Ipsy.
And then she packed a bag, left the country, and left it all behind in an instant.
Why?
Here's a look at the real reasons Michelle Phan left YouTube.
She hated being recognized
Thanks to YouTube, Phan became one of the most recognizable beauty gurus on the planet.
But that was an unhappy accident for Phan, who wrote in Teen Vogue that she never intended
for her own face to become famous.
Instead, makeup was supposed to be a means to explore different sides of herself and
transform into something or someone new.
She told Racked that she was never comfortable with being famous.
"Getting recognized in real life is always weird, because you never know when it's gonna
happen.
I can't even tell you how many times I had to take pictures with people in the bathroom.
It's the most awkward thing."
She felt like she sold out
In a video explaining her departure, Phan explained that her online persona was much
different than her real life identity, and that she felt trapped by her own vanity.
Her social media was a carefully curated look at Michelle Phan the brand, not Michelle Phan
the individual.
That took a toll on her psyche.
"Who I was on camera and who I was in real life began to feel like strangers …"
"I felt like somewhere along this journey, I lost myself"
Phan said that during one of many sleepless nights, she watched one of her earlier YouTube
clips and was shocked at how much she'd changed.
"I've grown to learn how money can buy many things, like peace of mind, comfort, status.
Anything but happiness."
Mental health struggles
According to Phan, the biggest reason she walked away from it all was the toll fame
had taken on her mental health.
The stress from multiple lawsuits, the pressures of running her channel, the struggles of her
cosmetics line Em, and the glare of the public spotlight got to be a bit too much for her.
She wrote an essay for Teen Vogue stating that she suffered from severe anxiety and
felt like she was going
"borderline crazy."
She told Racked,
"I peaced out because I think I was going through depression.
I don't know because I didn't go to a hospital or anything or get diagnosed, but I was taking
a few quizzes online and I felt really sad every day.
I was waking up feeling so broken.
I didn't know why."
Where in the world is Michelle Phan?
When Phan disappeared, she didn't just go dark on YouTube - she also temporarily shuttered
her other social media channels, and even vanished from her own company with no notice.
She told Refinery29,
"I decided to pack my life into a small suitcase, and I literally just left.
I bought a one-way ticket to Switzerland.
I even had contracts where my team still needed me.
But I had to go."
After Switzerland, Phan also visited Egypt, China, and the Netherlands in an effort to
clear her head.
As someone who once told Teen Vogue that she felt "digitally bullied" by online trolls,
Phan said the trip was "life-changing" thanks in part to her decision to avoid social media.
"We live in this world where we're so connected, we don't even give ourselves time to connect
with ourselves.
I just had my thoughts, nature, and the stars, no WiFi or anythig, and that transformed me.
It kind of rooted me again, anchored me back to reality.
And in a weird way, time moved by slower.
It was beautiful."
More than skin deep
In April 2017, Phan surprised fans by revealing to Allure that she barely wears makeup at
all anymore other than eyeliner and lipstick - which are now the only items she sells through
her relaunched Em brand of cosmetics.
She explained that she started using makeup in her teens because she didn't feel attractive
without it.
By her twenties, she was using it to experiment creatively.
Now, she doesn't need it for either of those reasons.
"I'm different.
I'm changing.
I'm more simplified.
I know the type of eyeliner I need to wear to look the way I want to look.
So things have become more refined, and I think that's how my perspective on beauty
in general has changed, it's become more refined."
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