- And that's what my mom got at the house.
At my mama's house, it's black Jesus, my dead grandma,
me at graduation, and fucking Rod Stewart.
[dark electronic music]
Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.
We all have that special woman in our life,
the one we like to put up on a pedestal.
- Finger sandwiches, boys?
- Aw, thank you, Mom.
- Go on, little Roy, make it rain.
- Aww, skeet, skeet. - There you go.
♪ ♪
Now, make sure you separate the ones from the fives.
- I know, Ma, I know.
- Such a gentleman.
- Now I got to pick up the money.
Separate the bills.
She the one that told me to make it rain.
- That's my boy.
[cheers and applause]
You know this man from his work
on "The Daily Show" with Trevor Noah--Roy Wood Jr.!
[cheers and applause]
I love my mom.
I love my mom, but my mom hates everything.
Like, whatever it is, my mom has the gift,
like most mothers, to just find the flaw
in whatever you think is perfect.
It doesn't matter what it is.
It doesn't matter if it's food,
television, whatever, your outfit--
she will break it down and find the one thing wrong.
I took my mom to see the movie "Gravity."
Sandra Bullock and George Clooney,
beautiful film.
A woman lost up there in space,
trying to figure out how to get back down to Earth.
I take my mom to see this Oscar-winning masterpiece.
We're walking out the theater.
She boils it down to one sentence:
"It's just a movie about a bitch flipping and crying."
[laughter]
I said, "What?
"This movie is about a beautiful internal struggle,
"the desire to live when all the odds are against you.
That's what the film"--
"No, it's just a bitch flipping.
"She crying.
"Bitch wouldn't be flipping if she'd stopped crying.
"Stop crying,
"and figure out why you flipping
"and then you stop flipping, bitch.
Stop flipping."
That's what my mom does to things.
I'm not--like, she-- she hates everything.
I can't even explain to you how much she--
I'm not even my mama's favorite comedian.
I'm not even in her top five.
That's not even a lie.
Like, I don't curse enough.
That was her note to me as a performer.
You don't curse enough.
You ain't no Katt Williams,
I tell you that.
My mom's Mount Rushmore of comedy
is Ron White, Katt Williams,
Wanda Sykes, and barely Chris Rock
because he walks too damn much.
That's what she said.
Why he got to walk back and forth
while he tell the joke?
Can't he stand still?
See, Ron White-- I like Ron White
'cause he stands still so you can hear the joke.
He stands still 'cause he's drunk, Joyce.
That's why he doesn't walk.
She loves Rod Stewart though.
Never heard her say a bad word about Rod Stewart.
My mama got a ton of favorite musicians.
She like all the Hall of Fame black people,
but there's something about Rod Stewart.
I don't know what it is.
She loves that dude, and when my mama die,
that's what I'm playing at her funeral.
I'ma put a Amazon Echo next to her casket, and...
[laughter]
"Alexa, play Mama Funeral Mix."
[as Rod Stewart] ♪ If you think I'm sexy ♪
♪ Come on, sugar, tell me so ♪
[laughter]
This is like--and I don't mean my mom likes Rod Stewart.
She has all his albums.
She loves Rod Stewart.
She went to New York.
Her and her girlfriends every year,
they go to New York, and they go
on this big theater-hopping tour.
They block out four days, and they go watch, like,
eight, nine Broadway musicals.
One in the morning, one in the evening.
Some sort of old lady Coachella,
I don't know what they...
You know-- like, you know how you barhop?
Like, they do that, but with theater shows
in Times Square,
so they're leaving a show one night,
and my mom calls me, just, just--
[hyperventilating]
Just breathing into the phone.
Which is scary, when you get a call from a loved one,
and all you hear is breathing.
You don't know if it's good news or a kidnapping.
You don't know.
I answer the phone. I go, "Hello?"
I just hear...
[hyperventilating]
"Roy, Roy, Roy..."
I go, "Mama, what's going on?"
"I took--I took a picture with Rod.
"I took a picture.
"I took a picture--I took a picture with Rod Stewart.
"I met him--I met Rod Stewart, and we talked about his career,
"and he asked me about my job, and he told me
"about all of his projects that's--I got to go.
I'll call you back." Click.
[laughter]
My mama met Rod Stewart, took a picture with him,
took the picture home, put it on top of the fireplace.
Like, I don't know where you from,
but down south, that is the most sacred place
for a picture to be put, above the fire--
he went straight to above the fireplace.
You supposed to earn the fireplace.
You supposed to work your way up.
You got to be on the end table
in the hallway for a little while.
You do good, then you get promoted
to the top of the piano,
and you either die or graduate from college,
and you get above the fireplace.
And that's what my mom got at the house.
At my mama's house, it's black Jesus, my dead grandma,
me at graduation, and fucking Rod Stewart.
[laughter]
And she loves Rod Stewart.
I get home a couple weeks after this whole shit went down,
and I go and look at the picture,
and I start peeping some discrepancies in the photo.
First of all, there's a knife and fork
in the background.
I go, "Where--where are you in the theater that there's
a knife and fork?"
There's some red and white, like, wallpaper,
and I look closer. I go, "Mama, you took
this picture at a TGI Friday's."
And she said, "Yeah, that's where I met Rod Stewart."
I said, "Mama, I'm pretty sure Rod Stewart ain't
"swinging by TGI Friday's to knock out
"some fucking endless appetizers.
That's not how Rod Stewart rolls."
And I go, "Give me some more details of the story.
Tell me about when you saw him."
"Well, he walked in, and he was walking around."
I go, "Who was with him?"
"Well, nobody." "Well, then this definitely
was not Rod Stewart!"
You telling me Rod Stewart, fucking billionaire musician
is just in TGI Friday's by himself
just walking around...
[as Rod Stewart] ♪ If you like Jack Daniels ♪
♪ And you like some chicken ♪
♪ Come on, baby, eat it now ♪
I'm like, "This is not Rod Stewart, Mama."
We argued back and forth about this shit.
"It is Rod Stewart."
I go, "Mama, I really think
"this was a Rod Stewart impersonator.
"I think you got tricked.
"You're in Times Square.
"It's a lot of people dressing up like celebs,
and they charge money for you to take a photo."
"Oh, he didn't charge me."
I was like, "What?"
Which made me even more upset,
because now I know for sure this person is crazy.
Whoever this person is that's impersonating Rod Stewart
is doing it for free.
This dude wakes up every day
and puts on the Rod Stewart,
puts on the mullet and the sequined jacket
and just walks through fucking family restaurants,
tricking people.
What kind of sick bastard...
I understand being an impressionist,
but do it for money.
Do it 'cause you got a talent.
But just to do it so you can take selfies
with 60-year-old women, that's foul.
That's some creepy-ass behavior, man.
Me and my mom, we still going back and forth about it.
"It is Rod Stewart.
"Y'all just don't want to acknowledge the fact
"that I met Rod Stewart.
Y'all jealous."
So I laid down the gauntlet,
and I print up a picture of Rod Stewart,
the real Rod Stewart, and I bring it
into the kitchen, and I lay it down
on the counter next to the TGI Friday's Rod Stewart.
[laughter]
I did. I laid the real Rod Stewart here,
and then next to him
was the Jack Daniel's chicken and shrimp Rod Stewart.
And my mama looks at the pictures,
and she look, and she look...
And then her face dropped.
And...
and...
[laughter]
You evil as fuck over there.
[laughter]
My mama is sad, and you're laughing.
[laughter]
And I felt bad.
Like, I legitimately felt bad because the truth
of the matter is it didn't matter
if it was Rod Stewart or not.
She believed it was Rod Stewart.
The shit made her happy. Let her have her moment.
But I was so determined to be right
that, in the process, I hurt my mom's feelings,
and, thankfully, it would be a couple years,
but I got a shot at redemption because
I did some shows in London, and my mom asked me, you know,
"Hey, I've never been to England.
Can I roll with you?"
And I was like, you know, "Fuck it--
you a good wingman. Let's roll."
[laughter]
Shit, my mom cool as hell.
I was like, "Let's go to England."
And we're in this department store in London called Harrods.
Harrods of London.
It's one of the most prestigious department stores.
It's like nothing you-- there's nothing in America
that even compares to it.
I don't even know how to put it into words.
It's like, take the biggest shopping center you know
and on top of that, put another shopping center
and then on top of that, put luxury goods,
and on top of that, put a pet store,
and then on top of that, put a grocery store.
Like, you can get everything in the store.
It's just a prestigious asshole, like, there's floors
of this place where it's just literally $20,000 dresses.
That's every rack. It's just $20,000 dresses.
Like, you got off the elevator, and you just like,
"This is not my floor," then you step back on.
You go, ding, ding. [mimics elevator door closing]
[laughter]
Well, me and my mom got a pastime that we do together.
We go and we look at shit we can't afford.
So we on the expensive dress floor,
and my mom was looking at all these gowns or whatever,
and one of the sales associates from Harrods comes over,
talks to me and my mom. She goes...
[with British accent] "Pardon me, we're gonna
have to ask"-- first of all,
my British accent is horrible, okay?
Accents ain't what I do, all right?
"Pardon me, we're gonna have to ask you
politely to leave."
Yeah, so, at first, I thought it was on some race shit.
I'm like, "Whatchu mean, white lady?"
[laughter]
"First show I did, Oprah Winfrey liked that,
"and now you're gonna-- you think I ain't got the money
"to buy one of these dresses?
"Bitch, I've been on BET 'Comic View.'
You know how much money I got?"
Like...
just making up credits,
arguing with this lady.
And she goes... [with British accent]
"No, no, no, no, you're welcome to come back in a couple
"of hours, yeah, but we have a shopper who has reserved
this entire floor to shop with a little bit of privacy."
[laughter]
I go, "Who? Who the fuck can afford
to reserve the $20,000 dress floor?"
She goes, "Rod Stewart."
[laughter]
And I turn to my mom,
and she heard it.
And she had this look on her face, and I can't--
I don't even know how to describe this look, but it's--
when you see the toy you really want for Christmas
and you're trying to get your mama to--
[stammering]
Like, that's how my mama looked.
Like Denzel before he cries in movies.
[whimpering]
Fucking bottom lip.
[stammering]
I go, "I got you, Joyce.
I got you."
So I turn over.
I see Rod Stewart approaching,
and Rod Stewart looks exactly
how you think he looks in person:
fucking amazing.
He didn't even touch the floor.
This nigga was floating.
He was just floating through..
[as Rod Stewart] ♪ If you like my body ♪
Like, I do, Rod. I like your body.
Like, I get it now.
[laughter]
He had his own breeze.
You know how rich you got to be
to have a breeze that precedes you?
Nigga, I smelled Rod Stewart before I saw him.
It was...
[laughter]
Rod Stewart is 30 feet off of me.
His security detail is 10 feet ahead of him,
and I'm trying to figure out
how I'm gonna get through these fucking dudes,
and I try to get--get up with one of 'em.
And he goes, "No, mate."
I ain't even opened my mouth yet.
Security dude says, "No, mate."
I go, "Listen, man."
[sighs]
[laughter]
"I don't know how to explain this to you,
"but that's my mama over there.
She's a huge fan."
"I said no, mate. Keep it moving, yeah?
All right. No worries."
No, that's the trick shit British people do.
They say something fucked up to you,
then they say "no worries" right behind it.
And I'm like, "No, bitch. Yes worries.
Yes worries. I have worries."
[laughter]
And it's getting a little testy between me and this dude,
so I already know the picture ain't gonna happen,
'cause I'm an asshole at this point.
And--and in Rod Stewart's defense,
this dude is in full family mode.
This is not the time to disturb anybody
while they're out shopping.
The dude literally reserved an entire floor
so he could avoid motherfuckers like me.
So... [laughter]
I understand--I wasn't mad at him, but we locked eyes
for a second-- for a brief second.
For three seconds,
I was eye to eye with the only thing my mother
has never spoken negatively about.
[laughter]
And I know I'm not getting a picture,
so I just said, "Hey, man, did you ever eat at a TGI Friday's
in Times Square?"
[laughter]
I told you that wasn't Rod Stewart!
I'm Roy Wood Jr.
Thank you very much.
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