So, an article popped up on my timeline called, "This is why people with anxiety are the best
people to fall in love with".
Hi, I'm a person with anxiety. I deal with O.C.D., social anxiety, and maybe a bit of
generalized anxiety on a regular basis. And so I thought to be interesting to read and
respond to this article as a person with lots of anxiety, and sort of give you my perspective
on it.
I want to make it clear before I start that this is a critique of the article itself and
not necessarily a call-out for the person who wrote it. Based on the response that I've
seen to the article, um that person has been called out, they have been criticized, and
so that's not really what I'm trying to do with this video - it's more critiquing the
piece of writing itself.
Alright, let's get reading. Content notice for discussions of anxiety, mental health
issues, and ableism. "This is why people with anxiety are the best people to fall in love
with".
"People with anxiety aren't perfect, but nobody is". True. "When you love someone who has
anxiety, you're loving someone who is in tune with their every emotion, someone who feels
everything with their being and doesn't apologize for it". So, the idea that somebody with anxiety
is in tune with their every emotion is interesting because I feel sometimes like very out of
tune with my emotions [laughs] um uh...
I feel sometimes like I have a lot of emotions that I don't quite understand like what they
are or where where they're coming from. "When you love someone who has anxiety, you are
loving someone who is sensitive and empathetic".
I'm sensitive an empathetic. I don't know if that's because I have anxiety. I don't
know how connected those two things are, but I know that that's true for me - but I kind
of doubt it's true for everyone. I think one of the issues that a lot of people have with
this article was that there's just like a lot of generalizations here, like it's almost
like that saying like all people with anxiety operate this way, when that's just not true
- there are so many different kinds of anxiety and so many different like levels of anxiety,
and so many different like responses and coping methods and things.
Anxiety's not just like a blanket thing, and people with anxiety are not just like one
type of person, right?
"And they're going to be sensitive with not only their own heart, but with your heart
too".
This is where we're getting into the part where the person with anxiety exists for the
person that they're in the relationship with, I think.
"They're going to be the type of person who senses your tension after a long day of work.
They're going to sense your anger just from your footsteps in the room. They're going
to see your body language and hear the way you're talking and immediately know if something
is wrong".
But they might also think something is wrong when it isn't? Like as a person with anxiety,
I'll often think that I'm sensing that things are wrong or that something is off, um, and
I will like ask the other person and they'll be like, "Oh, no, it's fine" and they'll actually
mean it - like, "Oh, no, it's fine" but like I'm just like sort of interpreting things
in kind of a negative way with my anxiety, sometimes.
If your anxiety levels are particularly bad, you might not actually be sensing what another
person is feeling because you're wrapped up in your own anxiety.
It's like they're conflating people with anxiety with people who are uh empaths, so people
who are highly empathetic and can be highly sensitive to the feelings and needs of other
people. That's not the same as being a person with anxiety, though. Like, there might be
some overlap there, you can be a person with anxiety and a very empathetic person and a
very sensitive person, but you can also not.
"People with anxiety are sensitive and old souls. They have so much heart and they're
going to pour all of their energy into this relationship". [laughs]
[sighs]
Okay, I had a bit of a reaction to that, obviously. [laughs]. How do I react to this?
Um...
"And they're going to pour all of their energy into this relationship". Unless they're pouring
all of their energy into their anxiety, okay? Unless their anxiety is taking all of their
energy and all of their spoons, then not so much.
Again, I just like I get this feeling that like they're conflating people with anxiety
with people who are empathetic and compassionate and sensitive, and have really strong interpersonal
skills. It's just like it's not the same thing - that's not the same thing.
I've had plenty of relationships myself that I have not poured all of my energy into. I've
had plenty of relationships that I have not been very invested in in the past, and I don't
think that my anxiety has meant that I've poured all of my energy into a relationship.
When I have poured all of my energy into a relationship, it's been because I really love
the relationship and I'm really into it and I love the person and that's something I want
to do, but it's not because I have anxiety, and in fact, my anxiety is something that
has made my relationships difficult in the past.
Like, sometimes, I've ended relationships because I've had like that way too much anxiety
about them - which is usually a bit of a red flag if the relationship is causing me lots
of anxiety, but um it's actually like, yeah, it's interfered with relationships before,
rather than made me pour all of my energy into them.
"They aren't ever going to take you for granted because they know that they can sometimes
be a handful".
So, we feel guilty that we have anxiety and so we're going to be really nice to you because
we always are a bit guilty about our anxiety and how it affects their relationship? I don't
like to be thought of that way, as like somebody who's like a handful and somebody who's difficult
[laughs] to be with, that kind of sucks.
"They aren't ever going to shut you out, it's not in their nature to tune out somebody they
love, and they will always be honest with you".
I've shut people out so much [laughs].
And sometimes that's been related to my anxiety and sometimes it hasn't. Actually, like, real
talk, uh I have become really anxious about certain relationships in my life and so I've
ended them. I have totally shut people out because of my anxiety before.
I've not always been honest in my relationships either. Sometimes, I've been really embarrassed
about the mental health stuff that I've been dealing with in relationships, because there
can be a lot of stigma about that, and so I've actually kind of kept it to myself and
not really been open about it with my partner.
"When you love someone with anxiety, you're loving someone who believes in you with their
whole heart and who loves you with their whole soul". Again, it's kind of just the like,
"this is how people with anxiety exist for you, someone without anxiety, this is how
us and our mental health stuff can benefit you and work for you".
"They know they have baggage. They know that they have issues and that their mental health
can sometimes bring you and your relationship down, but they trust you won't leave".
Hm...
Regardless of whether or not you have like mental health issues, everybody has stuff
that they bring to the table in a relationship that can be difficult, everyone, okay? Like,
that's just kind of a standard. This thing about like they trust you won't leave. I mentioned
I have commitment issues. I also have trust issues, um and that's definitely related to
my anxiety as well.
Especially in relation to like social anxiety and stuff, like I - I worry that like, "Oh,
this person doesn't really love me, they don't even like me, they don't even want to be with
me".
There's this narrative in my head that tells me that they are going to leave me and that,
um I can't trust them to stick around and that I can't trust them period. And I know
that that's like a symptom sometimes of anxiety and it's not representative of reality, but
like, my anxiety doesn't make me trust people, it kind of has like the opposite effect [laughs].
"When you love someone with anxiety, you're loving someone who's never going to walk out,
as long as you treat them with respect. You're loving someone who will give you their whole
heart if you let them in, like they let you in".
I have walked out of plenty a relationship, even when the person was treating me with
respect um just because I didn't want to be in the relationship anymore.
I just feel like we're getting need even some stuff right now [laughs]. Oh, boy.
Being open and trusting with somebody else is really difficult and really scary. I'm
really, really careful about giving my heart away, I'm very reserved about it, and also
like, I totally walk out on relationships. It happens, it happens to all of us. Like,
my anxiety doesn't keep me in a relationship. That would be bad - that would be really toxic,
if I was staying in a relationship because of having anxiety about leaving.
"You are loving someone who will nurture you when you are hurting because they know exactly
what that feels like. You are loving someone who'll hold you when you're stress gets the
best of you because they know exactly what that feels like. You are loving someone who
will kiss your demons away because they've spent their whole lives fighting their own
ones".
Basically, people with anxiety are just going to take care of you and fix all your problems
and make you feel great all the time because they've -- wha?
So, essentially this is saying that if you love someone with anxiety, they're going to
fix everything for you, because they've had their own struggles and so they're going to
know how to just like take care of you. So, essentially people with anxiety are just natural
caregivers? Which is like, a huge generalization, definitely not accurate to myself.
I'm really not a caregiver, like that is not a role that I ever enter into or like plan
to enter into, it's a role that I'm really uncomfortable with in a relationship.
"You're loving someone who will never judge you for your mental health or your triggers
because they have lived with that their whole lives".
Yeah, like I hope so - and it does kind of makes sense that like somebody who has dealt
with lots of mental health issues of their own is going to be like less judgemental of
uh partners who also have mental health issues and just like a bit more understanding just
cause they've had those experiences, but maybe not always.
"You are loving someone who will never laugh at your struggles or tell you that you were
overreacting because they have been laughed at countless times".
Again, like I hope that your partner isn't going to laugh at your struggles or tell you
that you're overreacting, and maybe if they've had those experiences themselves, they're
less likely to engage in that behaviour, but I just would hope that this is true of anyone
and not necessarily specific to people with anxiety.
"You are loving someone who will never take you for granted because they know how rare
it is to find love". So, are they just saying that it's rare in general for people to find
love? Or is it rare for people with anxiety to find love? Or are people with anxiety the
only people who know that it's rare to find love? I don't know, I don't know what that
means.
And when you love someone who has anxiety, you're a loving a wonderful human being. Of
course anxiety doesn't define who they are and shouldn't define your relationship [laughs]
- unlike what this entire article has been saying, "But just know they aren't broken
people, in fact, anxiety is the reason why they are so damn strong and you'd be lucky
to meet someone like them"
That's better than the other things that I've been reading [laughs] um - was that like damage
control? I'm just not sure.
So... [laughs]
Okay, that was an article. Lot of generalizations there, definitely some ableism there, definitely
some like, "people with anxiety exist to benefit their partners without anxiety" like lots
of that. Like, maybe that's true for that person, what they wrote, but the generalizations
are so broad and I disagreed with so many of them as a person with anxiety.
Let me know what you thought of the article, let me know like what dating as somebody who
has anxiety is like for you and what relationships are like for you. Yeah, thanks so much for
tuning in! Wherever you are in life, I hope you're learning as much as you can, and I
will see you again next week.
I'm going to anxiously conclude this video now.
[Inhales...]
[Right Place, Right Time plays]
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