[Lena] That was a sour grape.
[Patti] Hm?
[Lena] Nothing-
[Patti] Yeah, again, this is prop food.
These are not-- This is not real fruit.
I don't know why I have to tell my guests
every time not to eat.
[Lena] I just...
[Patti] Lena? I swear to god, after this,
you will be the final guest to die on this show.
That's my promise to you.
[Lena] Just try and kill me...
[theme]
[Patti] Hi, and welcome to Convers(at)ion Therapy,
with Patti Harrison.
I'm Patti Harrison.
And I'm here with one of my favorite people
on this earth,
Lena Einbinder.
[Lena] Hello.
[Patti] Lena is non-binary, they are a comedian,
a performer, writer, model...
[Lena] And one time, when I was modeling,
I said that I was a poet.
So... That's online, and I can't get away from it.
[Patti] This is not a safe space for poets.
So whatcha been up to?
What's been goin' on?
[Lena] I just, uh, have been working on the
public access show that I work on a lot called
The Special.
And keeping to my daily regimine of petting dogs
while I'm away from my dog,
to not thinking about that I'm away from my dog at that moment.
[Patti] So you're a dog person?
[Lena] Uh, yeah. That's what I identify as.
[Patti] We'll go ahead and move on to our next segment.
A segment that I named Tran-ecdotes.
[Lena] Oh!
Cool--
[Patti] DON'T f*cking nod at it.
So, dating.
Do you have any good stories or bad stories?
About dating?
In New York?
[Lena] Lotta bad stories.
Any time I would go out with somebody,
I didn't expect them to understand, like,
my gender or anything because um...
I have long hair.
And I tend to gravitate towards people who I want to look like more,
which is like, masculine people.
[Patti] Yeah.
[Lena] So they're always like,
"Oh sweet a chick!"
Really like, only one person has like, "gotten it" so far.
And that's my current partner.
They flat out asked me, like, "What do you identify as?"
Which is cool, and no one has ever done that.
[Patti] Yeah!
[Lena] He wears makeup, which I think is cute.
'Cause I'm a boy who wears makeup,
and I wanna kiss a boy who wears makeup.
And now I get to.
On weekends.
[laughs]
[Patti] Hornyyyyyy
[Lena] It is- It is the horniest.
[Patti] Also romantic.
[Lena] Yeah, you can feel when someone perceives
you as what you are, as opposed to not,
and it's- they could be telling you one thing,
but doing another, and it's just something that you feel,
and with him I really feel like he sees me for the person that I am.
How funny was that?
*laugh track*
[Patti] That actually wasn't funny, it was actually poignant...
*applause*
I don't have time for that sh*t here!!!
[Lena] Have you ever had a good date in your life?
[Patti] I have had a good date!
But the bad definitely outweigh the good.
[Lena] Yeah that's- that's where I'm at too.
[Patti] When I first moved to New York,
I was so excited - being from Ohio -
that I was like, "New York is the place where all the art boys are!"
People are more open, was my perception of it.
And so, I went on a date with this guy.
One of the first things he told me was that
he was okay with seeing me, a trans woman,
because when he was very young,
he fractured his penis in an ATV accident.
[Lena] So you have to break your dick to date a trans woman?
[Patti] Well, it made him "introspective about his manhood."
Sooo uh, save the date.
I'm marrying this man.
*wedding song & applause*
What are some, like, red flags?
What are some, like, "ha ha no no no"?
[Lena] When people are like, "Okay so how can you be trans
if you aren't taking hormones or doing surgery?"
That sh*t makes me really upset.
Someone asks you to dress a certain way,
like for them, or when people are like,
"Oh so like, like RuPaul???"
[Patti] Right, because it's a lack of a nuance of understanding in terms of
performative gender, but also I like to be told a lot to dress like an airline pilot.
And I have yet to find someone who will do that for me.
[Lena] You would look great with a little box hat.
And a little wings pin right here.
*Patti huffs*
Can you like, get me peanuts right now?
[Patti] Hm?
[Patti] You wanna play some f*ckin foosball?
[Lena] Yeah, dude!
*Patti screams*
[Patti] This next segment is actually for any cis person who is
looking to make the choice to transition
into being a trans, because you're bored.
And then you can, ya know, be interviewed on a lotta podcasts about
your very tragic coming out story so that cis people can emotionally masturbate to it
and then forget you forever.
In this match, we will not be using a ball.
We will be using this.
*angels sing*
This is a representation of your cis-ness.
Pure.
Innocent.
Secure.
A bird.
Is this what you want???
[Lena] Yes.
[Patti] Is this worth all the podcasts that you're gonna go do?
[Lena] Punish this heterosexual dove!
[Both] Oooooohhhhh!
[Lena] I'm gonna score on myself.
'Cause that's what you do if you're non-binary trans,
you just constantly lose points.
That's how you play foosball.
[Patti] Now comes the hard part of the series
where I will use advanced technology
that I have designed to
transition Lena back to their cis majesty.
It is very important to be cis.
It's the coolest thing to do.
Are you ready? Do you need anything?
Do you want a San Peligrino before we begin?
[Lena] If it's my last San Peligrino as a non-binary trans person,
I will forgo that luxury to emphasize the struggle that I am about to endure.
[French Patti] Incroyable.
It's time to take you to the machine.
[Lena] Cis me, baby!
Hit my face with the men until I'm straight.
[Patti] GOD SPEED.
[Lena] Mmm...
[Patti] NO! Don't lick it!
No! Stop making it a horny thing!
Nooo!
I've lost control of the procedure!
[Lena] Well she's lost control again, folks.
[Patti] Ya know, I really try my best every time.
[Lena] So can we... Can we say that that's a win
for the trans community, orrrr...
We're just gonna call that a draw.
[Patti] I don't know if it's a win but it's somethin'.
If you want, I'll stand at the end of this
and you can just slide that right into my butthole.
Here we go!!
Bye!
Wow, what an amazing time I've had today
with our special guest Lena Einbinder.
Thank you so much for being with us today.
[Lena] Thank you for having me.
[Patti] You can catch them performing around New York City
if you're in the city.
If you're not, you can check them out on The Special without Brett Davis,
which is available online.
As a parting gift- Again, it's not- No, it's not real.
[Lena] Oh.
[Patti] WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?
[Lena] I thought it was real.
[Patti] That is a $500 piece of prop fruit.
[Lena] I'm sorry.
[Patti] If you like this video, like and subscribe.
And maybe down in the comments you can leave a suggestion
of a question I can ask our next guest.
Heheheheh...
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