They say history is written by the victors.
But sometimes it feels more like history was written by someone who honestly couldn't care
less.
"Excuse me.
When did the Mongols rule China?"
"I don't know?
I just work here."
American history in particular tends to take on a life of its own over time, leading to
plenty of seemingly straightforward facts in our history books that were either taken
way out of context or are — let's face it — just plain wrong.
Ben Franklin's turkey
You know the story about Benjamin Franklin fighting to make the turkey the national bird
of the United States?
"The Turkey.
A creature so amazingly stupid it'll stare up at a rainstorm with it's mouth wide open
until it actually drowns."
"Hey, what's everybody lookin' at?"
Look, nobody can deny that turkeys are an important part of American culture — sort
of.
But that story about Benjamin Franklin?
Not so much.
Franklin did question putting a bald eagle on the Great Seal of the United States in
a letter to his daughter.
But here's the thing: the whole turkey bit was kind of a joke.
First, he calls the bald eagle "a Bird of bad moral Character" who lazily steals food
from other birds.
Granted, they are kind of rude.
"You didn't show the Aspirin over here, did you?"
But after that, Franklin writes this about the turkey: "He is besides, though a little
vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the
British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on."
Courageous battle turkeys?
Yeah, it's pretty obvious that Franklin is just kidding around in this letter, showing
a bit of that ol' Franklin wit that made him so famous.
And even in the joke, he never explicitly states that the turkey should replace the
bald eagle.
He's just saying, "An eagle?
Come on, George, might as well make it a turkey."
Besides, have you ever heard a bald eagle?
"(weak bird call)"
It's not even trying!
Revolutionary tactics
Everyone knows that the colonists in the American Revolution came out on top because they used
hit-and-run, guerilla-style tactics that they learned from Native Americans.
Also, because they had Mel Gibson.
Only...that's not how it happened.
Prior to the American Revolution, colonists actually requested help from Britain because
they had no freaking clue how to fight against Native American tribes.
So if the British couldn't fight back, it' s not because the Minutemen were too wild
and crazy.
It's simply because the Brits taught them to fight too well.
In the end, the real reason Great Britain gave up the fight was, basically, because
they were broke.
Talk about anticlimactic.
That's not nearly as awesome as Mel Gibson stabbing an evil British horse with an American
flag:
Now, while we're on the subject of bogus facts about the American Revolution...
The Siege of Yorktown
We learned in history class that the nascent United States won the Revolutionary War after
American and French forces defeated the British at Yorktown on October 19, 1781.
After that, the war was over, right?
The British forces tucked tail and fled across the Atlantic while the colonists...probably
deep-fried a turkey and listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
A classic American celebration.
"A-mer-i-ca!
A-mer-i -ca!
America!
f**k yeah!"
But before you start lighting off those fireworks, you should know that Yorktown was hardly the
final battle of the war.
The last skirmish was actually the naval Battle of Cuddalore in the Bay of Bengal, off the
coast of India, on June 20, 1783.
That's right, the final battle of the American Revolution took place in India, eighteen months
after the whole thing was supposed to end.
How is that even possible?
Well, remember: France sided with with the United States in 1778.
At that point, France was also at war with Great Britain by default, only they didn't
need to cross the ocean to get their fight on.
America's first war took place on a global scale, and the country ain't stopped since.
"World Police!
Get down on the ground!"
World War II landfall
Most of us assume that World War II never reached the United States mainland.
Sure, we all know about Pearl Harbor, and some of us are even familiar with the Battle
of the Aleutian Islands that happened in Alaska.
But neither Alaska or Hawaii are part of the mainland.
And besides, they weren't even states at the time, so they don't count.
Sorry, Bam.
But what many may not know is that the Japanese did attack the U.S. mainland several times
during the war.
A Japanese submarine shelled the Ellwood Oil Field near Santa Barbara, California on February
23, 1942, and a few months later, on June 24, 1942, another Japanese sub opened fire
on Fort Stevens in Oregon.
In September 1942, on two occasions, the same submarine used a floatplane to drop incendiary
bombs near Brookings, Oregon in the hopes of starting a forest fire.
None of these attacks caused major damage, but it's a little terrifying to think that
the Japanese navy was the greatest threat to our west coast until Carrot Top started
doing standup.
Burning witches
The Salem Witch Trials, which lasted from February 1692 to May 1693, represent one of
the most prominent examples of mass hysteria in American history.
"Well that's 75 witches we've processed that oughta show God whose side we're on, a
Pastor?"
"Yes Nedwin, but we have many more strumpets to incinerate."
During this period, hundreds of people in Salem Village, Massachusetts were accused
of witchcraft, and about twenty people were executed.
You probably know that the puritanical government burned these accused witches at the stake.
Except that's a total myth.
Accused witches were occasionally burned at the stake in medieval Europe…
"What makes you think that she's a witch?"
"Well, she turned me into a newt!
"A Newt?"
"I got better."
But in Salem, almost all the so-called "witches" were hung.
So that's...not exactly better.
Wouldn't a slap on the wrist have been enough?
Maybe banish them to a nice swamp?
"Get out of my swamp, you kids!"
See?
Much nicer!
Capital crisis
Most people know that Washington D.C. is the capital of the United States.
But what they might not know is that D.C. isn't our first capital city.
It's not even even close: it's actually our ninth capital.
The first capital was Philadelphia, where the Continental Congress convened in 1774
and signed the Declaration of Independence two years later.
The capital changed several times during the Revolutionary War — from Philadelphia to
Baltimore to the unlikely Lancaster, Pennsylvania — as Congress constantly moved to keep one
step ahead of the British Army.
When George Washington took the oath of office in 1789, he did it in New York City, meaning
Federal Hall in the Big Apple briefly served as the first capital of the United States
under the U.S. Constitution.
That lasted about a year before Philadelphia became capital again, and things finally settled
in the District of Columbia in July 1790.
Thankfully, it's been smooth sailing in Washington since then.
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