Hey hey, my friend! Welcome back to this week's edition of Parenting A-to-Z! I'm
Kelly Bourne and this week we're diving right into grit. How to raise some "gritty"
kids. First of all we're gonna talk about what is "grit" -- if you're wondering,
"what the heck is she talking about?!" We're gonna look at what it is, we're gonna
look at what gets in the way, and then we're gonna look at how we can really
develop that sense of resilience and that sense of stick-to-itiveness
in our kids. So let's get right to it!
So, what is grit?! Grit is essentially that
passion and perseverance for pursuing long-term goals. That willingness to get
up even after you've made the biggest mistake or fallen flat on your face.
That's what being gritty is all about. And the thing that's really interesting
is that if you look at our youngest of kids, like our toddlers and our
preschoolers, especially those who are just starting to walk -- that's where I
really first started noticing it -- our kids are inherently gritty. They are
relentless, right?! When they want that cookie they can be relentless!
And heck nobody learns how to walk without being willing to fall flat on
their face a million times over and get back up and keep on trying. So our young
kids, they know how to do this. It's just part of
who they are, continuing to try and try and try again and not give up. But
what happens, what happens -- I know it's like, "Oh!" What happens, what gets in the
way?! Well a lot of times we can get in the way, right?! We can start getting upset
or getting angry or getting frustrated with them. The other thing too, around
school age when they start being surrounded by more peers and they're in
a different environment, they can start to learn that, you know what? Maybe making
mistakes isn't such an easy thing. Maybe making mistakes is actually pretty hard.
And maybe I actually want to avoid making mistakes at all costs because it
hurts too much when I see the reactions from my teachers and my friends and
good old mom and dad. I know, it's like, it's such a downer. But it's so true. And
we can look at having this awareness as just information.
And using that to inform how we treat our kids and how we respond moving
forward. Then hey -- we're golden. We're golden. And when it comes to leading by
example and fostering that sense of perseverance and grit in our kids, there
are a few really practical things that we can do to help them. And first,
right there at the top of the list, is establishing a growth mindset. And if
you're not familiar with a growth mindset, what it basically is -- if you're
interested in more information check out Carol Dweck (if there's any
other nerds like me out there who love that kind of stuff) I'll make sure to
link it below -- but basically what it is is focusing on progress over perfection
and the final outcome. Focusing on effort and improvement rather than on
whether they got an A-plus or whether they scored a goal. Because when you can
focus on the progress there's always room to improve and there's always room
for movement and there's always somewhere else to go.
Whereas if you focus on the the final outcome it's kind of like a zero-sum
game, right?! It's kind of all-or-nothing. You either get it or you don't. And
you're feeling good if you got it, but if you didn't get it, well, you're feeling
kind of rotten, right?! Whereas if you can focus on enjoying the ride, so to speak,
that's where a lot of our joy and a lot of our grit and resilience come in.
When we can focus on enjoying the process. When we can focus on making
little tiny improvements. Little by little by little, over time -- that's
the root of grit right there. Another thing too, a really practical thing we
can do, is just normalizing the struggle. Because I think a lot of times -- I can
remember thinking as a kid that all adults had it together at all times, so
they just knew everything -- and then of course I grew up realized that
could not be farther from the truth, right?! We are all works in progress! So
especially when our kids are making mistakes or they're really struggling
with something they're working towards -- a piano recital -- and they're starting to
feel a little bit of stress, it's just normalizing the struggle for
them and sharing those personal stories of when, you know what, we really faced a
hard time. And sharing what we did to get through it. And just showing that
that's part of the process is just experiencing those hurdles and chipping
away at it by bit-by-bit. Just normalizing it so
they don't feel like they're alone or that anything is wrong with them because
they don't automatically know how to do it right off the bat. Another
really big thing you can do, and this is a controversial one. I feel like people
have super strong opinions about this, but embracing extracurricular activities.
And I'm not suggesting you go and put your kids in gymnastics like five times
a week, I'm just talking about choosing an activity with your kids, something
that they can work at. Something that they're not already good at. Introducing
something new so they have practice at what it's like to be a newbie. They have
practice at what it's like to try on a new skill. They have practice at the
idea of deliberate practice. Because that's how we get gritty! That's how we
develop that sense of "I've got what it takes!" When we can work and work and work
at something that we aren't already a master at. And that's where
extracurriculars are so great because lots of times, especially with our young
kids, if they're just starting out -- everybody's kind of on the same playing
field. I'm thinking of my youngest starting hockey this year. The first
day of hockey I think there was like one of them who could skate. They were all
laying on the ice across the board. But little by little they
worked together, having fun, building up those little skills, and when we get
those little wins and when we can focus on the progress and the
improvement and the effort that they're putting in -- that's the root of
motivation. That's the root of grit. That's the root of resilience. So
extracurricular activities, of course when you don't go overboard -- you've got
to do what works for you and your family -- are a great opportunity to
start building that sense of grit in your kids. And the other thing, I actually
want to tack on there before we go, is that before we can develop that sense of
resilience, before we can really work at something, you've got to play first. You have
to have fun! Because I think sometimes too as parents, we think we enrol our
kids in extracurriculars and it's gonna be really serious, and they always have
to be really focused, and they always have to be doing the drills --
especially for little kids -- focus on the fun! Why are they out there?! It's about
instilling a love of the process and a love of the game! It's not about doing
all the drills perfectly or standing all in line!
It's having fun! You gotta have fun first! So that's where I think we can kind of
lean back a little bit as parents and allow them to play. Because nobody
becomes a super awesome NHL star -- I know, I'm so articulate -- but nobody gets to the
top of their game without having that piece of play or that piece of fun that
got them there in the first place. It's from the roots of fun that we can
really start to see and develop our passions. So just allow your kids to
follow their curiosity and allow them to play. Not everything has to be super
serious all the time! Because that's just totally boring
and not very motivating. So yeah, when you're looking at
extracurriculars, just focus on following your kids' curiosity and starting with
the fun and starting with the play and the seriousness and the
stick-to-itiveness will come later when they've already developed that sense of
a love for the activity or whatever they're doing. And then one practical
thing that everyone can can do as a family -- you can do it with your kids,
again to model that sense of practice and that willingness to work
at something that you maybe haven't mastered or you're not the greatest at --
the idea comes from Angela Duckworth and she calls it the "Hard Thing" rule. Where
everyone in the family should have one hard thing, at least one hard thing, that
they're working on. So it could be baseball, it could be piano, it could be
yoga, it could be learning to cook. Whatever it is, something that requires
deliberate practice. Something that you can chip away at so everyone in the
family has one thing, one goal they're working towards. Again, whether it is
learning to cook, or playing hockey, or riding without training wheels, everyone
having one hard thing that they're working on so everyone is focused and
putting in that deliberate practice. So your kids can see that model of, "Okay, mom
maybe isn't so great at yoga right now, but heck she sure is
giving it a try!" Modeling that for them so they can see it on the
daily. And then, also the other thing is sharing in each other's wins
when you do get that win, when "Oh my gosh! Look mom did get that arm balance!" or
"Look Johnny did just score his first goal!" and cheering each
other on and rooting each other along the way. So as you're working to develop
a sense of grit in your kids, try to focus on
developing that growth mindset, focusing on your kids' effort and improvement and the
process of whatever activity is that they're enjoying rather than on
perfection or the end outcome, as well as normalizing the struggle. Helping them
see that, you know what? Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has a tough time.
There's always gonna be hurdles when you're learning something new, but you
just put one foot right in front of the other and keep on chugging along. And
then toy with the idea of maybe starting some extracurriculars so your
kids have have an idea of what it's like to try something new. Try something they
haven't mastered. And then also try on the idea of having everyone in the
family having one hard thing one thing that they're working on. That is new
to them or a little bit challenging. So you can work on building those grit
muscles together. So I hope that helped guys! Of course, if you have any questions
or comments make sure to leave them below. If you're looking for more personalized
support, some in-depth resources make sure to join us over in The Parent 'Hood,
the door is always open for you. We would love to have you! And yeah, I'll just
leave it there. I'll see you guys in the next vid! Hope you have a good day!
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