Well hey everybody, it's your good old pal EmptyHero, and today, we're going to take
on a triforce trifecta of Zelda games with reviews of Majora's Mask, Link to the Past,
and Ocarina of Time.
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask recounts the epic struggle of Linktatia, the crossdressing
elf boy, who yearns to find and forcibly impregnate the haughty, tourettes syndrome suffering
firefly that abandoned him at the end of the previous game.
As a direct sequel to Ocarina of Time, many players expected Majora's Mask to answer such
important lingering questions as: what happened to the alternate time-line Link abandoned
when Zelda sent him back to the past?
Where exactly did Navi go?
And perhaps, most importantly of all, will Malon let Link suck them tiddies for about
a minute now that all of his heroism has been undone?
Interestingly, Majora's Mask rejects those questions, and substitutes Hyrule with it's
own original reality instead.
"Terminia" is a metaphoracle dreamscape where kindly old ladies reward you for helping them
with traditional muslim headware.
Furious raddishes threaten to turn innocent bystanders into Brazilian soup.
Metaphorical manifistations of men my age, who should be doing something more productive
with their time than playing this game, attempt to sell you lewd sonichu fan art.
Sychronized sluts with silk napkins on their butts become dislexic, and dance with Link
after he gets a little head, instead of the other way around.
And the moon performs an earth-shatteringly accurate impression of a Clinton looking upon
Haiti.
Instead of continuing Ocarina of Time in a strictly linear fashion, Majora's Mask poses
further mysteries that persist to this day.
Such as: why doesn't Link just utilize his superior intillect to paint the tower in the
center of Clock Town to resemble a gigantic penis?
That way, when the moon is about to swallow the tower, everyone can point up at it and
call it a goblin faced cock swallowing ace.
By golly, that moon would be so flumuxed it would sally forth right back into space!
And even simpler than that, instead of letting the moon crash into the planet, why not just
have everyone go to the other side of the planet and push on the ground at the last
second, thereby causing the planet to crash into the moon, destroying it instead?
Why wouldn't Link just stand atop the clock tower, waiting for the moon to crash while
holding up the deku mask?
Then the moon would transform into a tremenouds deku nut, thereby allowing Link to bust the
biggest nut in recorded history since that one time I tripped at the deli and landed
on a pickle, over the entire world like some kind of Hyrulian Genghis Kahn?
At the very least, he could have held up the zora mask, turning the comet into a harmless
gigantic fish that would allow all the women of the world to quiff in peace due to the
overwhelming scent of fish already in the air.
But perhaps I'm getting a little ahead of myself.
During The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, players will explore not only dungeons and
caves, but also the stages of grief, the unavoidable encroachment of death, and the sudden realization
that a treasure chest isn't the only type of chest to treasure.
Sure, the thought of playing the part of a shape-shifting, time-traveling, quantum-leaping
rapist may seem appealing at first.
But as you fail over and over again, you become mired in dread and your yambag begins to ache.
This digitized descent into madness begins with Link desperately searching for Navi,
because he has become so accustomed to her telling him exactly what to do, that he's
both literally and metaphorically lost without her.
Instead of this dear departed friend, Link encounters a ducklipped ethiopan scarecrow
and his two co-dependant butt sluts.
These rat bastard gypsy fucks rob Link blind after causing him to be thrown from his horse.
Little did they realize that their victim was one twisted vertabrae away from this game
being called The Legend of Christopher Reeves: the Colostomy Bag of Woe.
Although, not soon after being thrown from Epona, Link becomes a vegetable, so perhaps
The Legend of Terry Schiavo: The Blank Gaze of Time would have been a more appropriate
title.
Fortunately, with the help of a pointy shoed eldritchian horror, who moves the same way
that Captain Kirk talks, and fears the moon because it secretly contains his unacknowledged,
bastard children, Link is able to regain his former shape.
The skull kid who attacked Link, traumatized so badly by four giants from bubble bath land
slapping him in the face with their gigantic pricks, that he winds up trembling in the
fetal position in mother nature's shower like a teenaged girl from a 1990's afterschool
special, rains calamity upon terminia in the form of a moon that appears to be scared shitless
at the thought of it's own impending impact, an invisible giant with altoids breath, butch
lesbians who steal Yoko-Literal-Ono's eggs since their own eggs rotted decades earlier,
and milk thirsty aliums who want to snake their elongated ET fingers up a Malon clone's
mud hatch, proving that Majora's Mask contains the worst consequences for missing a cycle
that doesn't involve a long conversation with the misses, followed by a somber trip to the
nearest coat hanger emporium.
Link is then tasked with plagiarizing both R.L Stein's novel "The Haunted Mask" and the
Bill Murray Film "Ground Hog's Day" in order to prevent complete global smash-uration.
To this end, Link must assume the identities of the dead, including the literal seed of
the deku butler's loins, whom can skip across water like Jesus Christ's gay cousin, show
his nuts to jews without fear of retaliation, has deadlier spit than Magic Johnson, and
the most powerful flowery helicopter ever beheld since that one I got a rosebud stuck
to the head of my penis while hands-free fanning off my morbidly obese date's face after an
especially sultry round of love making in the reception area of a flower shop.
This starchy stoic acts heroic in order to cross the deadly swamp-ass swamp, defeat an
ooga booga boss that is so similar to a real life African Warrior that it is completely
covered in flies, and jam his deku stick in this glorified knot hole full of splinters.
Though, I am left wondering at times.
If deku-Link's deku horns are composed of the same deku material as the rest of his
deku body, does that mean he's deku-blowing himself every time he plays a song?
Majora's Mask notoriously raises many similar questions.
Less straight forward than it's predecessor, Majora's Mask makes the player wonder if Link
is dreaming, or dead, or if the Land of Terminia even exists at all.
While Link literally wakes up at the end of his Dream Journey in "Link's Awakening", there
is no lifting of the veil within the confines of Majora's Mask, and those questions are
never answered.
As a result, players never know if Kafei's marriage to the town's resident cum bucket
persists once Link has left Terminia.
And believe you me, this version of Anju is especially lascivious.
Not only did she remove the bathroom door from her house so family members and patrons
alike could watch her dropping hot logs, but she installed a retart in the poo chamber
to clense HER poo chamber with his gigantic fist.
She then drilled a glory hole in the wall between a guest room and her bedroom; and
after you spend more time following around a pre-pubescent boy than Kevin Spacey at a
New Year's Eve party in order to reunite Anju with her betrothed, she kicks you out into
the streets to die alone while she and Kafei engage in one last forbidden squirt in the
skirt before getting squashed into the dirt.
And the degeneracy is not limited to the residents of Clock Town alone.
Terminia's gorons are dying, not of the endless winter that entombs them, but of their own
sheer stupidity.
They are apparently too inbred to bundle up in blankets, put on pants, or use their already
lit torches to light a camp fire.
Instead, Link must assume the persona of a naked, bongo slapping hippie, roll around
like a fat person from one of my Yurope novels, and stab a goht in the ass like a lonely jihadist
in order to unfreeze the goron's mountains.
Once you finish trading gold dust to a gimp in exchange for a glimpse at his care-taker's
gigantic balogna slice nipples, you'll get to visit Romani Ranch.
There you'll get to help a weirdo's baby cock grow, fight the urge to commit unspeakable
acts against Creamia at sword point before using the song of time to destroy the evidence,
and encounter the incredably off-putting Terminian counterpart to American actress Sarah Jessica
Parker.
Together with Sarah, Link is embued with the incredable ability to pass over four foot
tall fences, allowing him to access the dirtiest beach this side of Atlantic City, New Jersey.
There Link will encounter a man so stupid that he somehow managed to drown despite being
a fish, play the song of mercy kills in order to steal that guy's guitar, then bury him
six inches under the sand like a cat turd.
And while it may be natural for a godless fish man monstrocity to perish after spending
hours jumping through hoops in pursuit of young beaver and finally creaming on that
steaming caviar; I wonder, is it normal to catch this, unfortunately-non-literal bass-player
in a his dressing room with an underaged grouper- I mean, groupie?
And if Link visits that dead fish man's girlfriend in his fish man form after visiting Romani
Ranch, should she become suspicious after finding that Link's fishy fingers smell like
beef?
After harpooning a turtle in the ass, Link can then brave the depths of an elaborate
sewage treatment facility, where he can encounter a disturbingly metaphoracle trio of phallic
bosses including, an ovary, goo, and a gigantic gaping set of fish lips the size of a hallway.
After rinsing the salt from his balls, Link heads to the desert to claim a set of masks
that will allow him to remove lingering curses, grant the vigilant dead long deserved repose,
and scare the ever loving shit out of a slack-jawed retart.
Link's reward for acting as a literal messiah to this cursed kingdom is a song that enables
him to pose corpses like Ed Gein on date night.
At this point, only a single dungeon remains seperating Link with his destiny on the moon.
Unless of course, you're a little bitch who wants to cheese the final boss with the fierce
diety mask.
And frankly, ending a game that explores the existential dread of death with a fight against
worms, then a heart that stops beating after you kill it is perfectly fitting.
Overall, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask is a highly concentrated crystalization of
the Ocarina of Time forumla.
It innovated how dungeons were explored and npcs were interacted with in ways that the
series has failed to better or even match to this day.
Probably, because they know that no matter how bad the games are, you stupid mother fuckers
are going to keep buying them any way.
Link to the Past is the epic tale of a boys journey to smash some especially stanky gash.
This incarnation of the errand boy of the goddess is a fairly regular guy, who even
keeps pot next to his bed for a little wake and bake first thing in the morning.
One night he sneaks out of bed to follow an uncle so lazy that he gave up on saving zelda
in the first room of the tutorial area.
And for his part, Link doesn't even try to help the fat fuck.
Probably because Link wants that one room shack and the buggery stained bed within it
all to himself.
After dodging some gaurds who are apparently both near AND far sighted, Link comes across
the boomerrang; an ancient relic that stuns enemies on contact, because frankly, they
are just indredulous that someone actually threw a god-damned boomerang at them.
After a solid two minutes of australian shit-posting, Link encounters Princess Zelda, a salacious
slut who wears a flowing skirt, her panties on her head, and walks navel deep in raw sewage
during her escape.
As a result, her pussy is so pugnaciously pungent that when the priest partook of her
pervasive prolapsed pelvis perfume he passed away post-haste, which isn't particularly
portencious.
The church he led worshipped a graven image, and behind that blasphemous golden icon was
a room full of snakes.
And frankly, if Zelda wanted to speak in tongues while handling serpants, I have a scaley,
slime covered creature of my own she could handle, if you know what I mean.
If you don't, I'm talking about my penis.
Because having her tug on it like a gibbering retart trying to pull on a push-to-open doorknob
would probably be pleasurable for me.
After leaving Zelda in the most obvious of hiding places, Link embarks on an amazing
quest to collect three chuck-e-cheese coins that can later exchange at the courtousy counter
for a sword that has a baggy t-shirt for a hilt.
To attain these all important pogs of destiney, Link explores three incredably dangerous locations
that include enemies so harrowing the its pains me to recall them.
In the eastern palace Link encounters sleepy weebles and slutty skellys that want your
nut in their bellies.
How do I know they yearn for the sperm?
Just look at how they try to entice link to jump their bones!
After getting more black balls shoved in your face than madonna in the ninties and bullseying
some depth perception lacking lobsters, Link takes on blow up dolls that try to booty slam
him to death, followed by the most dangerous enemy of all, Sarashalahashamalamadingdong,
a brown fingered hermit who gifts kinky red leather boots to the first little boy to enter
his hut since the sex offender database went online.
Luckily, those boots enabled link to sprint away with his bootious maximus mostly intact.
Emboldened by this victory, Link presses towards, then through Kakariko village, where he meats
such colorful characters as a little boy who blew because he needed the money, a crazy
mother fucker who seals his brother behind a wall like the guy from Edgar Allen Poe's
"The Cask of Amatilado", a litte gay boy who spent so much time bug chasing that he is
dying of aids at the age of ten, a snitching slut in the burqa who better ask the dimension
hopping boy how he runs so fast, because when I catch the bitch I'mma cleave her ass in
two, a poo in the loo salesmen who sold off his last bottles because they remind him too
much of a toilet, a culture appropriating, self proclaimed "black smith", who is honestly
a "beige smith" at best, and worst of all, the physical embodiment of the future jews
want for hyrule; a gay black clansman who is so woke he charges thirty rupees to talk
to him.
Luckily, in a world with so few of the people god chose to rape and pillage the rest of
us, coins can be found just lying around, unfiltched, and the land is so prosperous
that the king was able to stock his garden with gigantic tastey cake butterscotch krimpets
mmm mm!
With the ancient knowledge contained in the mystical book of mudora the explora, Link
is then able to slip past the letigious sandmen, attourneys at law in order to attain the legendary
white power glove, which allows it's wielder to get a low interest loan from any bank and
grab an eight ball of that pristine china white to get their rocks off without fear
of reprecussion from the law.
After killing some worms by dragging his bare ass across a shag carpet, Link proceeds towards
and through the Death Mountains, where he meets some buck toothed tree fuckers who will
go on to impregnate a particularly slutty dutch elm, thus leading to the conception
of the kokori tree, and an old pervert with a mirror strapped to his shoe, who tosses
the mirror out after getting into the light and seeing links disgusting balls.
After watching a demon kick a little boy in the balls, link recieves a dose of highly
concentrated testostone in the shape of an orb, which fixes the mental problems brought
about by his uncle's slippy fingers, thus preventing him from becoming a degenerate
furry ever again.
The death mountain dungeon is especially perilous due to the holes in the floor and furious
bumper squids.
Though, to be perfectly honest, if I wanted to wrestle down a gigantic fuzzy wiggle-worm
I'd ignore those court orders and go back to free balling when I jog.
At this point, the writing of the game becomes a little suspect.
Ganon jumps out of a wizard's butthole in order to kidnap princess zelda and six other
sluts.
And instead of going to the past, as the title suggests, he pulls link into a nightmarish
realm deviod of the light of god.
Link must then jump between dimension to rescue a septology of slags encased in crystalized
monster cum, who have been fucked so hard by multipronged, hexagonal demon dick that
their used up cunts have been core sampled out with a garden weasle and left in the dungeons
to air out betweens uses.
So frankly, a Link to Camden would have probably have been a more honest title for this game.
Though its not all bad.
I like any game that not only allows me to catch little girls in a butterfly net, but
that they also respect the validity of my catch instead of screaming for their fathers.
At this point, Link must tred carefully.
Though the combat is verse-a-tile at times, the bag of dicks monsters, fried chicken in
a mask, ice covered eye, lint covered eye, eyes covered eye, rock with more turtle heads
poking out than a five assed mexican miles away from a toilet after taco tuesday, butterfly
that slaps link in the face with his surprisingly large number of pricks, as well the scariest
encounter you can have with a woman in a bedsheet that doesn't involve her husband angrily kicking
down the bedroom door to announce his aids test came back positive, can all tear link's
ass to shreds.
Luckily, Link is not alone.
Help this dirty old witch jam some rotting mushrooms up her disgusting snootch and she'll
quiff out some magical dust.
Toss some coins at this slut and she'll make you quiver, I mean, increase the size of your
quiver.
And give any attention to this body image posive bag of shit who turned this entire
pond into fatty-bo-batty soup and she'll upgrade your sword.
Sacred objects scrounged from dungeons will empower Link to melt bitches with his firey
rod, smack weiners in the dark like his uncle taught him, and perhaps, most impressive of
all, with the cane of Somalia, Link can conjure blocks composed of highly compressed genocide
victims to activate about five switches in the entire game.
After an epic showdown with man-bat-pig in the basement of the Luxor Casino, Link is
finally able to make Hyrule great again, then seal up the Master Sword before that stank
bitch Fi can awake and ruin the game with her jabbering.
Reviewing The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is pointless.
Like grandmom's cookies, baby jesus's sunsets, and fat anime tiddies, the goodness of Ocarina
of Time is self apparent.
Even that hemloc-sucking homo Socrates wouldn't bother analyzing it's worth.
So while replaying OoT for the first time in a decade, I wasn't looking to pick apart
the mechanics like some greeseball contrarian asshole who projects his own inadiquacies
onto the game.
Instead, I wanted to see with adult eyes whether the logic of the game held up to scrutiny.
For example, how the fuck does the Kokori society function?
Kokori are the humanoid offspring of a magical mustacheod tree who is full of puzzles and
bugs.
I wonder, if you dissected a kokori, would they be full of box pushing puzzles too?
This also raises the question, that, since Kokori are outwardly mamalian in appearance,
do they have nipples.
And if so, are those nips shaped like acorns that lactate maple syrup?
Canadians can't be the only ones.
And like trees, are the Kokori also all hermaphrodites?
That would explain why Mido was such a cunt, you know aside from his typical impotent manlet
rage.
Kokori are also notable for their eternal youth.
After slumbering for seven years in a flooded basement with a slob in a bathrob who cuts
Link loose the moment Link's big boy hair comes in and before link can ask why he woke
up on his stomach wearing silk stockings and earings, Link finds that his clothes have
grown, but that his friends, the Kokori have not.
This raises important questions about the life cycle of the kokori.
Some would argue that the skull kids of the lost woods are what becomes of Kokiri who
lose their fairies.
However, to save them from drowning during the backstory of Wind Waker, the Deku Sprout
transforms the Kokori into treestumps with downsyndrome.
As a result, I believe something devious is at hand.
Other off-shoots of the deku tree include the serpentile deku baba and the money-grubbing,
bread-unleavening, oven-dodging deku scrubs who are always trying to sell you something
you could just as easily pick off of the ground for free.
And I ask you, fair watcher with immaculate tastes, what do the kokori eat?
Despite being derieved from a magical tree, they seem to take no issue with dwelling in
the hallowed out carcasses of their decapitated aunts and uncles.
And in those cages of rotting deku-flesh, tables, but no ice boxes or stores of food
are found.
In the kokori shop, the only forms of sustanance for sale are the NUTS of deku babas, the piping
hot SEED of deku scrubs and human hearts.
GOD DAMN HUMAN HEARTS.
It is painfully apparent to me that the kokori are some stone cold mother-fuckers.
Lacking genitalia of their own, they consume the sticks, nuts, and seed of their retarded
deku cousins.
And Link's mother, who's death in the forest the deku sprout is so smilingly happy to discuss,
has no grave.
And you must wonder, if not from Link's mother, where did that single heart for sale in the
shop come from?
I believe the Deku tree didn't send link away for the sake of enabling a grand adventure,
HE WAS SAVING THE BOYS LIFE.
Saria provides ample evidence to further this theory.
This woodland-spiramint jail-bait of hate literally tries to steal link's heart just
as he's leaving town.
Fortunately Link hooks up with a hot blonde and tosses Saria's dwarf-spit filled ocarina
in the trash where it belongs.
Also, did you know that even though nintendo removed the dating simulator elements from
Ocarina of Time half-way through the development process, that it is still possible to bust
a nut on sarias face?
Appropriatley enough for Link and the teenage boys playing as him at the time of OoTs original
release, the supply of nut and seed is practially without end.
Unless of course, you do it too much an wear your c-stick down to a nub.
Let us also take a moment to regard Link, the knife eared idiot who squandered his childhood,
just like the people who played his game.
Navi took one look at Link as he slept with his boots on and correctly assumed that he
was retarted, which is why Navi feels the need to explain even the most obvious of details
to link.
If Link had a brain in his head, the tragic events of the game could have been entirely
averted by simply cutting up the magical talking deku tree, and utilizing the lumber to create
a magical talking dutch wife who could seduce ganon and infect him with a fatal case of
Ghomarrea.
After Link becomes a man by tugging on his sword in the backroom of a church, he could
also just as easily have defeated Ganon by swallowing the pedastal of time, thereby turning
all the food he ate from that point on from feces, back into food, ensuring an infinite
amount of food for hungry hylians in the future, causing a massive devaluation on rupees and
brining gannon's republic to it's knees.
How this never occured to link is beyond me.
For his part, Gannon is the only black man in the world, which is why hyrule is nearly
a paradise.
I used to think my grandfather was a bit of a racist for chasing black people out of his
neighborhood with fistfulls of flaming job applications.
But ocarina of time has proven him correct, you let one darky into castletown and look
what happens.
LOOK WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS.
Why is everybody naked?
Why they all tryin to hug me?
Is THIS the liberal holocaust Alex Jones has been warning us about?
Is the run-off from king zora's balls turning these frogs gay?
Because if it is, THANKS OBAMA, but I'm buying some water filters RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
After leaving the forests, most players will press past the horrific pineapple from hell,
through fields with more children's bones popping out of them than john podesta's back
yard, and into Lon Lon Ranch.
Or as it was originally named in the japanese release "Ron Ron Lanch", which roughly translated,
means "Ranch of the Fattest Suckable Tiddies."
The ranch is a nice place to stop if dairy-slinging equine-enthusiats with hot dry circus-clown
pussys that honk like a bike horn with every thrust, and who's breath smells of their uncle
luigi's sweaty balls are your kind of girl.
Otherwise, most players will head directly to castle town, where they will encounter
a flute sucking, burqa wearing thot who grows up to be a naruto cosplaying idiot.
OH.
How I wish she'd pluck my pubic hairs like that harp and hold me in her rugged hands.
I mean, after talking with zelda, Link meets the biggest dummy in the land, who, like link,
also knows how to bust a nut and flee.
Impa is so stupid that she founded a town at the base of an active volcano with a water
supply tainted by undead corpses and a literal embodiment of evil that plays the bongo like
a filthy hippie.
Living in this lovely town is the only man in all of Hyrule with downsyndrome, a pervert
who furiosly cranks his shaft after a little boy makes him wet, a house of jews cursed
to revert to their original form as punishment for their greed, and a pidgeon fucking mulleted-milf
who's pussy lips not only flap about like a bird, but also carry the avian flu.
She is so seductive in fact, that the programers took time out of rendering rock hard goron
nipples to ensure that the player would be punished for beating their cock.
I'm not just saying she's worth squirt in skirt, this bitch puts the Cack in kakariko
village.
Well, actually, everyone in town puts the cack in her, but thats besides the point.
North of this polygonal pompei is a tribe of brown-skinned, genderless, morbildly obese
retarts who can't feed themselves without your donations.
No, I'm not talking about tumblr, but rather the goron village.
Not only are they tormented by whack-a-mole dragons, feral richard pryors, and irate newts
who gobble balls until you explode in it's mouth, but they have the unfortunate fate
of not having a single waifu to offer.
Even the guppy elves you encounter next have a horrific fish wife with razor sharp vaginal
gills and breasts full of stinking caviar to offer.
Sure, every sub atmoic particle of her body smells of unwashed cunt, but this fish knish
is extra delish.
You may not think you'd want bedroom eyes from a tsundere tuna, and sure, after seeing
how fat her mother is you might have second thoughts, but believe you me THE ZORA ARE
FUCKING FREAKS.
Don't believe me?
Then pay attention because you're about to get schooled like a school of exceptionally
sensual fish.
I'm sure you were all expecting a generic joke about king zora tainting the water supply
of hyrule with his taint.
And to be perfectly honest, you are all missing the point.
Thanks to his eternal enema, King Zora has the cleanest, most eatable ass in the world.
It's not even gay when its that clean.
It's like eating an especially erotic tuna tar tar with half digested corn in it.
The bosses of this area include an octopuss that wears a buttplug, an ovary covered in
sperm, and one of those tentacle monsters japanese perverts love so much.
And if you were wondering how the zora became so lewd, keep in mind that they were created
when this man fucked that squid.
That's also how splatoon came about, but that's a seperate story.
Other odities in this general area include a fishing hole operator who's lip is gold
from huffing paint, black link, or Linger, as the fans prefer to call him, and the only
mexican in hyrule.
How do I know he's mexican?
Because he spends all day eating beans on the other side of a wall he hopped over illegally,
now back to the story.
After collecting all three maguffins needed to enter the second stage of the game, link
is tasked with collecting decorative ash trays that ultimately do nothing.
At this point in the game, the triforce becomes as irrelivant as the three thots fingered
by midas who created it when peacing out from the planet and you are forced to reclaim previously
explored areas of the game, with the only standout being the gerudo desert area aka,
Louis CK's long fabled interacial breeding grounds, where you'll knock out more black
chicks than diabetic shock and have more reconstituted cunt vapors belched in your face than a guest
back stage at the ellen show.
These salacious ginger gypsy trannies represent the ultimate feminist end game, and as a result,
it's no surprise that their treasures for link include a silver gauntlet, perfect for
fisting a fat bitch, and a icy shaft that will never be used.
Especally noteworthy among this tribe of grannies and trannies is Nabooru, a nicky minage clone
who could sand blast your balls hairless with a single desert storm queef and who's ass
has taken so much dick that it's collapsed like a dying star.
Somehow, like with all the girls in this game, link manages to miss out on being pulled into
her black hole.
I guess link is just a better person than me.
After one look at those great faires with their pyramid tits constructed by jewish slaves,
and so many dead leaves in their cunts that when you jump cock first into the leaf pile,
as usual, you wind up covered in slugs; I would put a bunch of fairies into a bottle,
then fill it with farts and cum.
However, that may just be because, unlike link, I'm the romantic type.
While link may have enjoyed the occassional dead-hand job, and like-like full body blow
job, he completely ignores a veritable array of delicious thots, and for that, he must
be punished.
Upon defeating ganon at the end of the game, everything link has accomplished is undone
and the king of hyrule executes the only black man in the world based on the whims of a little
girl.
Link's only friend Navi is all, "later fag" and flies off leaving Link to live alone in
an unheated tree stump, sorrounded by immortal midgets who want to eat his soul and who will
eventually become obese plank clones that turn into islands.
But that's getting a little ahead ourselves.
Overall, Ocarina of Time was and still is terrific.
It's no wonder nintendo seems so bent on copying it over and over at times.
Well, that's it for this video.
If you liked it, feel free to subscribe, tweet about it, check out one of my ebooks, paperbacks,
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Vs, where my patreons will decide whether I review a block of action games like bayonetta
and killer is dead, or finish up the stalker series with reviews of Call of Pripyat and
Lost Alpha, or you could call up your grandmom and ask her about her day, because she's not
going to be around forever and she misses you.
Until next time, thanks for time and GOODBYE.
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