Hey hey, my friend! Welcome back to Parenting A-to-Z! I'm Kelly Bourne and this
week we're diving right into hitting.
I know, tough topic. It's enough to drive you totally nuts, right?! When your kids
are getting a little bit handsy. So we're gonna talk about, first of all -- why kids
hit, how we can deal in the moment, and then what we can do moving forward to
help squash some of that hitting behaviour.
So as always the first thing is to look at why our kids
are hitting. And for our younger kids, when we first start seeing this behaviour
it's really just, it's their outlet. They have really big emotions and they
don't yet know how to express them without having having those outbursts. So
a lot of times, it's an emotional regulation, a self-regulation piece where
they just need some help learning how to express those emotions. You don't want to
send the message either that being really angry or frustrated or having that
sense of rage, is necessarily a bad thing. We don't want them to get the idea that
those feelings are bad, but just showing them that there is a way for them to
offload those feelings and release that aren't energy without causing harm to
someone else. And the other piece is - besides emotional immaturity, is just
what is their environment like? Are they watching a lot of violent video games?
Are they watching a lot of violent TV shows? Are they seeing models of that in
their in their day to day life? So it's just being aware of that, because
what kids see, they emulate and they copy. So it's just
something to kind of keep in mind if you are noticing -- even superheroes -- we
went through a phase with our kids where we had to kind of cool it on the
superhero viewing and TV shows and YouTube videos because they were getting
a little bit too into their superhero characters at school. So it's just kind
of having that awareness of what's going on and what they're
being exposed to. And then as far as how to deal in the moment, this is the
hardest part, I know I find for me, because I can have all these grand ideas
of how I'm gonna handle these situations but I find it's one of those things,
especially I find with siblings, if one is hitting the other or being
hurtful to the other, it just gets you going, right?! It gets you going and
sometimes it's hard to find your calm. But finding your calm -- you can't
skip that step. You can't skip that step. It's the old -- you gotta put on your
own oxygen mask first. Because if we go into these situations guns-a-blazing and
we're feeling the rage ourself boiling, it's not really gonna be sending the
message of emotional regulation and how to effectively deal with
these situations, right?! So again, it's just having that awareness and finding
our calm whether it's taking a few deep breaths or getting down at their eye
level. But just coming in peace. And the other thing is, in regards to putting
on your own oxygen mask and finding your calm is
actually contagious. It's the way that our brains work. We see and we mimic the
emotional responses of others. So if we are able to channel calm and find our
peace in that situation where our kids are hitting or being destructive or
hurtful, that starts the process of allowing them to do the same. It's kind
of like talking them off the ledge, right?! Talking them off the cliff. If we can
model that inner calm it's contagious. I know it's hard -- like it can feel
impossible sometimes -- but it's always, always the first step. And then of course
it's intervening. We cannot have our kids being hands-on with other kids.
Whether it's siblings or kids at the park or wherever because we don't want to
ever send them the message that violence is how we solve the problem. So it's
always intervening. And I like to do this first by focusing on, I hate the word
victim, but the one who is being hit. Focusing on their needs and seeing if
they're okay and then moving towards addressing the behavior. And the thing
with addressing the behaviour, I think sometimes we can be guilty of
"broken record" syndrome. Saying over and over and over and over again, you
know, "Hitting hurts," "We don't use our hands," which of course we absolutely do
need to teach our kids that, but once we've told them that once, we've said
that a few times, they know that, right? They know that. But they're still hitting
for an underlying reason and that's why it's so important to address the emotion
behind what caused them to hit and addressing what led to that point.
Because if we just we can get so, and I sure I'm not just speaking for myself here --
but we can get so distracted with the angry outbursts, with the hitting, with
whatever the actual immediate behavior is, and forget about everything upstream
that led to it. And the key to solving the behaviour long-term is
addressing that and looking at that and listening and validating to what led to
that experience. So in those moments, even though it can feel really hard sometimes,
I try to connect with my kids and address the underlying feeling of, "You
must have been really upset when she took your toy and you weren't finished
with it," "You must have been really angry to hit your brother," "You didn't like it
when he took your bun because you wanted to eat it," like whatever it was, try to
get in their head and see things from their perspective as to what led to
it. "You didn't want to leave you weren't ready to leave the park, you were having
a lot of fun," and that also acts to defuse the
situation. Because when we can like, bingo, zero in on what led to their outburst, it
just acts as a release. I don't know if you find this in your own life, too, when
you're feeling really agitated and someone can zero in on why you're
feeling the way you're feeling -- it's just like, "Oh they get it. They get it. They get
me." And it's just kind of this sense of release and again that sense of calm. So
always try to connect and address the feeling of what led to the angry
outburst. And then from there, it's just giving them alternatives and
giving them alternate outlets. Because like I said earlier, we don't want to
send the message that it's wrong or it's bad to be angry or upset or frustrated.
Those are normal emotions. It's just teaching them how to
cope with having those emotions. So whether it is taking a few deep breaths,
going to play somewhere else, taking some time out on their own -- of course of their
choosing, if they have a special quiet spot, they want to go to their room and
play Lego or color -- if they want to call grandma, cuddle their blanket, if they
want to punch a pillow or punch a doll. I'm totally in favour of releasing
that and emotional energy, because sometimes you do need to
be active and sometimes you do just feel like hitting something. We just need to
send the message that you can't hit your brother or you can't hit your
friends at school. So sometimes even being active, running outside and
playing or going to the basement and releasing some some of that built-up
energy can really, really help. And then as our kids get older and they get more
skilled at doing this, we can start introducing the concept of "I" statements.
And if you haven't grabbed it already, I'll leave the link below. You can
download it as well as have it access to my whole free Parenting Resource Library
to coach your kids through how to express those tough emotions and how to
express when they're feeling upset without resorting to physical violence.
It's a huge game changer when your kids can really learn this
skill. And it's great for us too. It's always great, I find I love going over
this with my kids because it's great practice for me and using in it in my in
my daily life when I'm feeling conflict or having difficult conversations. "I"
statements are great. And then it's really just about moving on. Because I
know we can have that tendency, we think that if we harp on the mistake or
we harp on what they did or really lay on the guilt trip that
they're somehow gonna learn their lesson -- but really all that does, is when we
focus on the negative, they just start to tune us out and not listen to us. So
after we've done all that, after we worked on repairing the hit and
providing a more effective outlet, it's just about moving on. Water
under the bridge. Carry on and we'll try again for another day. And one thing that
you can do, is once you've gone beyond the moment of addressing the hit and the
situation, is start setting up your kids for success moving forward. So one thing
is, if you're noticing triggers, if there are triggering situations, like sharing
is a huge one for toddlers and preschoolers, helping coach them through
that situation and just being more vigilant for us as parents. Noticing how
the situation is going and noticing if our little one is starting to get really
agitated or really flustered and coming in before the hit, being preemptive.
Before they start getting handsy with their friends, and coaching them through
what it's like to share. And coaching them through using that language so that
they know that we've got their back (and also saving
another kid from from our kid's wrath). And that's where role play and practice can
really come in too, is coaching our kids through those situations and pretending
that we're the other child. Practicing what it's like if somebody
snatches the block away or somebody doesn't want to play what you want to
play at recess, or somebody takes your toy at recess, or whatever the hitting
trigger is that you're noticing. Practicing and role-playing that at home
so your kids have the opportunity to feel that feeling in the moment in a
safe environment. And being able to make a more appropriate choice.
Practice is, training is -- I know, it kind of sounds like I'm talking about
monkeys or something -- but our kids need to learn and our kids need to try on
these skills so that they can be successful when they're out on their own.
Especially when they get to school age and we're not always there to be at
their side and help them through. These skills will help them down the
road throughout the rest of their life. So I hope that helps, guys! I know as
frustrating and as embarrassing as it can be dealing with a kid who's getting
a little bit more hands-on then then you would like, it can be really
hard and it can be really easy to get distracted by their behaviour and
thinking that there's something wrong with them or that they're the bad
kid. But it is a totally normal behaviour,
especially for our young kids, dealing with these big emotions and not yet
having the skills of how to effectively offload them. So just notice your
kids' environment, notice if they've been, you know mimicking any violence they're
seeing on TV or video games, try connecting with them at the feeling
underlying the behaviour, and then practice role-playing so they have
practice in those situations knowing that they have options. Because I think
that's half the battle, just showing our kids that when they start to feel that
feeling, and they start to recognize those feelings in their body, that they
have tons of different options of ways that they can offload that
don't involve harming someone else. So as always, let me know if you have any
questions or comments below. And join us over in the Parent 'Hood, our private
community where I have more in-depth resources and information. If that's
something you think you'd like to check out, we'd be happy to have ya!
So I'll leave it there for now guys, I hope you're having a great
day and I'll see you in the next video!
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