what can't man we're gonna try it okay I think I'm live on both pages trying it
on phones today so let me know hi Karen so last week we had hi Julie last week
we had totally technology problems on my personal page so I'm gonna give the
warning again if you get kicked off I'm live on both of my pages hi Cassandra
thank you so you can always go to the other one if my internet goes down good
morning Julie hi Ben hi Melissa hi Wendy so I started to keep a list of topics to
discuss on Facebook live so for those of you new here sometime between Friday and
Sunday I go Facebook live for a live teach because I love teaching live and I
love engaging with you guys and seeing what questions you have and so I have
started to keep a list of topics so if you have a topic that you would like me
to teach on you obviously know what I talk about all the time shame
vulnerability Brene's stuff showing up in your life and living authentically
and health and self-care and all these things so as you probably also know I am
growing my youtube channel so this is another way that I have another video to
upload to the youtube channel and that people can see me interact live and
teach and so one of the topics that I wrote down on my list to share about
live is forgiveness because it's actually one of the topics that we talk
about in the rising strong curriculum so when you come into a rising ever upward
workshop with me grief and forgiveness is one of the sessions that we talk
about or perhaps you're going to join me for an online version of that workshop
it's in the works people in the works we got to work out a lot of stuff so make
sure you watch for that so forgiveness is
tricky son of a b... it really is
forgiveness is difficult the great part just like I put in the comment to this
live is that there are a ton of amazing resources when it comes to forgiveness
and it's not the simple adage anymore of forgive and forget it's just not we are
more complicated than that people are way more complicated than
that we're all flawed we all mess up and so forgive and forget what's happening
in with that oh hold on I'm on Chad's phone confront cancel sign in prevented
broadcast pause resume I'm on Chad's phone on one of the pages I don't
remember which one so just tried to do something sorry you
know you're doing good work when you have technology problems because the
enemy tries to shut you down okay anyways let's get to all these resources
cuz you know I'm a total resource crazy person I love resources all you have to
do is look at my nightstand chad has tried to cut me off of Amazon multiple
times it just say it's not gonna happen okay so the one of the toughest parts of
forgiveness and why forgive forgive and forget is so difficult for so many
people is well number one we don't forget especially I mean let's be honest
women our brains are just not wired to forget there's an awesome video actually
I will link it called the nothing box but like we our brains are like a ball
of wires everything is connected to everything else and the searing energy
that runs it through or that like runs it is emotion which when you attach an
emotion to anything in our brain and lives it's seared into your brain so
forgive and forget definitely doesn't work for women it does not work for men
either though so but the biggest the underneath area of why forgive and
forget is so difficult is because trust is broken something has changed
something is lost I have to recalibrate my relationship with that person or even
a situation or whatever it is so like when it comes to trust that's one of the
biggest difficulties is that like something is forever different it's why
we just can't forgive and forget so because I'm a huge resource person I
love the research and and I love giving you guys places to start to work and so
I'm gonna link all of these things in the comments below but so one of my
favorite things researchers on forgiveness is Dave Asprey and some
people know Dave Asprey from the bulletproof diet a lot of people are
drinking bulletproof coffee now I am one of them I love it but Dave Asprey is
actually his his claim to fame is bulletproof but really he does a ton of
research on meditation and how we get our brains to the calm calmest place
we've ever that research has ever seen he hooks you up to like all of these
machines in this room and he teaches you meditation and what he has found in his
research is called 40 years to Zen I've looked it up last time I looked it
up it was like $15,000 to go for five days so not in the budget yet but it's
gonna be there one day so what happens is he hooks you up to all these machines
to like rate when your brain is at the calmest and meditation obviously makes
your brain pretty calm I'm going to do a video on meditation because there's a
ton of new research coming out and meditation that lots of you who hate
meditation will love but what Dave found in his research is that when you are
practicing what we call radical forgiveness that is when your brain is
at the calmest state ever radical forgiveness is also a great book I need
to add that to the list actually it's a great great book but so when you are
practicing radical forgiveness in other words you are forgiving that person into
love Vishen Lakhiani is another person that
I love he's the author of The Code of the Extraordinary Mind that's who I
discovered Dave Asprey through Vishen
talks about he has an amazing amazing video I'm gonna say a really bad word
right now so if you have a child around you please plug their ears Vishen
Lakhinani's video called Unfuckwithable is amazing and he talks about
how radical forgiveness is part of this healthy and happy life that we are all
yearning for and we all really do have to work for and so when he talks about
forgiveness when Vishen talks about this radical loving forgiveness he
says a couple things that are really really really helpful that I
use as mantras and I think that you will find helpful also number one hurt people
hurt people hurt people hurt people most people are not sociopaths and truly
messed up Nassar is probably a sociopath okay but those families still need to
forgive him because forgiveness is about us right so hurt people hurt people that
kind of helps us in our forgiveness journey and the other thing that Vishen
always says is that God only sends angels which is another way to
practice that gratitude and really remain open to receive the lesson that
you're needing to receive when you are being hurt or disappointed by someone
that you love so this Vishen talks about forgiveness and his like
meditation he has a meditation called the six phase meditation and there's
literally a section in it every day that you use this meditation that you you
envision that person or situation that you're struggling with that you're
struggling to forgive and you say the words I forgive you and I ask you to
forgive me and then you envision this is all in
your mind's eye that person saying the same words to you I forgive you and I
ask that you forgive me some people even say like then you
embrace into a warm loving hug which I know for a lot of us can be difficult
but there is a significant piece to that meditation one of the other meditations
that totally so freaked me out when she was talking about meditation Carolyn
Myss has a morning meditation and she taught I mean I almost I felt sick to my
stomach when she said this and yet it was so powerful so she was talking about
someone that you are holding a grudge with or you're really struggling with
forgiveness with and you imagine that it's the last day of your life and that
they are the person sitting by your bedside there's some perspective for you
and that's literally all she said and at first I was like that's terrible like
screw you right and then you really think about it
like the things that we're holding on to and the hurts and the
and whatever at the end of the day doesn't matter that much at the end of
your days if that's the person sitting beside your bedside are you still gonna
hold on to that anger that poison that's been killing you slowly because that's
what not forgiving does to us really so that's Carolyn Myss now let's get to
some of the Brene stuff right so the Brene stuff that we talk about
in the rising ever upward work and the rise in strong curriculum
she puts grief and forgiveness in one session and the book that she talks
about is The Book of Forgiving by the Tutu's I'll link it below once we
get once I get off but the book of forgiveness
Brene literally says is the most important book written on forgiveness
and I will back her up on that one of the reasons I love the book of
forgiveness is because um well he talks about the apartheid in South
Africa so those people forgave each other and if they can forgive each other
we can forgive people right but then also at the end of every chapter he has
like a journaling exercise a meditation a prayer and it's not a religious book
if religions not your thing it's more of a spiritual book he does reference
Jesus in a couple places but it's more of religion than spiritual which we'll
get to that in a little bit but one of my other favorite things about the book
of forgiving is that at the beginning of the book he literally has you pick a
stone and the first chapter he has you hold on to that stone in your
non-dominant hand for six hours and go about your day and then every chapter
after that based on the the topic of forgiving is that you do something with
that stone and it's just it's so powerful I'll never forget holding on to
that stone and so it just it forgiveness is a choice for us like we've heard that
you've seen those memes you watched those memes that like forgiveness if you
don't forgive it's like drinking poison yourself and expecting your perpetrator
to die as all of those things but like forgiveness is for us if you are holding
on to that dark energy and hate and hurt you continue to give them power every
day when we talk about it in the rising ever upward work
what Brene was Brene's never been able to write about forgiveness until
rising strong that the not his last book the book before because she hadn't met
saturation in the data and what actually got her to saturation in the data is
realizing that forgiveness is really about grief when you forgive someone
what really has to happen is something has to die and what I've been learning
in this work whether or not you do Brene's work with The Four Agreements or
whatever all of this amazing stuff that we have access to the research is that
often when I am struggling with forgiveness is the thing that has to die
is my expectations because I have said actually I've said to some of my pastors
and I've said and some of my writing actually I don't think I've written
about this yet and I'm gonna write this in a speech I'm hoping to book a talk
here Christy I'm just gonna claim it right here I'm gonna meet with her on
Monday and I'm gonna I'm booking that talk and I'm thinking about including
this but for me what happens when the person you need to forgive is God um it
seems like I cry on every facebook live so just get used to it um but in my
journey of infertility and loss like in in my faith wrestle um really coming to
my faith is that like I had to give myself permission to say those words out
loud what if the person that you feel like you have to forgive and you're so
pissed off at is God like how do you do that let alone the people in your
life that hurt you right like how do you forgive and the
really crazy part about forgiveness is that yes there are so many resources
like all Dave Asprey Vishen Lakhiani the book of forgiveness the tutu's
Carolyn Myss and I mean then on top of that all of the Christian writers that
I'm not even get talking about in this one so like there's a ton of resources
when it comes to forgiveness and yet there's still this piece that you do
just have to forgive and forgiveness takes trust trust
that it will be okay no matter what you believe in that everything that happens
to you is happening for you and that even if you don't get to understand it
on this side of eternity or whatever you believe in that you can trust that it's
happening for the higher good for His plan for your good even if you don't get
to get it right now that's how you forgive you forgive with trust Trust is
a whole other shit I gotta add that to the list I guess that's a whole other
call or teach I will add that because we talk about that in the rising ever
upward work too my last part of this and I woke up with us this morning
and I've written about well I I don't know if I written about it on the blog I
talk about it in my TED talk and it is actually gonna be the part of the ending
of the next book the complicated gray
that whole forgiveness of God and especially if someone is a Christ
follower they will say you know Christ is the ultimate example of forgiveness
you know God gave his one and only Son to forgive us of our sins and therefore
we must forgive everybody else and that is true I mean it's true you cannot give
love or compassion to someone else if you don't have love and compassion for
yourself same for forgiveness if you cannot
forgive yourself you will not be able to forgive others this work starts with us
always self compassion Kristin Neff talking to yourself with like you would
talk to your loved ones but forgiveness of yourself is how you will forgive your
loved ones the other side that often is not talked about in the faith walk that
I am changing I have I have a Bible plan called he walked it first not many
people have read it whatever and I'm gonna talk about this in the complicated
gray and I talked about this in my TED talk just a little bit but like yes is
Christ the ultimate example of forgiveness of course like I posted it
this week like Christ literally looked at the cross and then looked at us and
said you're worth it like that's really powerful
that doesn't make you become undone then we need to talk the other side of that
is don't you ever forget that he said those words like take this cup from me I
don't want to do this like don't make me do this and he still did it
he asked like why have you forsaken me and it was just that that human power of
or the human power of emotion that like this is really hard and I'm going to
trust this and that's how forgiveness works you are not going to forgive
somebody because you feel like it or because it's easy or because you want to
you forgive them because you have to because if you don't it will eat you
alive for the rest of your life you forgive them walking into the muck of
the complicated gray and giving yourself permission to feel this is hard and I
don't want to do this and I don't think that they deserve this and at the same
time I'm gonna trust that this is for my higher good and when I forgive them I
can heal even more and live my best life
so you forgive and yep you use Christ as an example and you use all of these
other resources to help you and at the end of the day you choose to have
compassion for yourself and for them knowing that we're all just a bunch of
flawed freaking people trying to figure this life out so you forgive so that's
what I got today I cried three times maybe that's gonna
be the thing of Facebook live - I cry actually three times um and I'm not
gonna answer your comments throughout because I just get on my
freaking soapbox but I want to talk I want to just quickly I'm gonna go
through so Christie says oh yeah oh yeah yoga training I forgive you and release
you you are free and I am free then we burn the paper I love that Christie I'm
not gonna I'm not gonna click see more on the phone because I'm Way too scared
it will screw something up on my live so I'm gonna I'm gonna read the full
comment when I jump off of this but like I love I forgive you and I release you
and I am you are free and I am free like that's what forgiveness is it's
forgiveness is for us but like I also I think the biggest
piece and how we consolidate that and wrap our brains around that is that
oftentimes the forgiveness is really about the death of our expectations that
we were expecting something from someone that they just didn't have to give it
doesn't mean it didn't hurt it still kind of means that that probably is
their best but their best is not good enough for us that's I mean we talk
about that in all my lives it seems like but like the forgiveness requires the
death of my expectations that I'm expecting something from you that maybe
you just don't have it to give and if I'm gonna hold on to that and not
forgive you and hold on to that pain that shit's definitely on me it's not on
you Julie yes this but you have to get that book um add it to the pile my pile
of my nightstand is so out of control it's so out of control but I love it I love it I
love it what else I have I have had I have had to say with my words I forgive
long before that same forgiveness is that all Thank You Tina
yes that's such a good point um I think that's in the book of forgiving actually
he talks about specifically just saying like um I forgive you I forgive you and
that's in the shack like that's in the book the shack again no matter where you
see it on theology the Shack is still has amazing lessons in it but that's in
the shack too like you say the words I forgive you you do the actions I forgive
you even if you aren't quite feeling it in your heart yet because that will
start to change it that totally of course I'm going to plug my self-care
stuff because when you practice self-care and you do the actions not
because you love yourself enough to practice self-care but because you
believe in the actions that's the actions that will actually help you
start to believe sorry no I'm not sorry it's kind of it's not gonna stop
apologizing for being me um releasing our hands from around their throat our
energy shifts and I've noticed sometimes that can bring actually the actual
healing to the relationship in time of course Christy yep thank you for that
because I mean they talk about make it in the book of forgiving to forgiveness
does not that you still have a relationship with
that person um some people are not meant to have in our lives and that's okay
like some people are here for seasons or reasons forgiveness does not mean that
you're in my life it means that we're okay so all right I have no idea how
long it's been and I try not to be on here for super long cuz I actually do
want people to rewatch them so thank you for being here if you have ideas for
future Facebook watches please comment below I have all of these books and the
links to them through affiliate links which means that you help I get a cut of
them when you purchase them through my links they cost the same to you but so
you're gonna purchase any of the books I reference please use my affiliate link
because well that helps me keep doing what I'm doing and make sure to go over
to YouTube and please subscribe and click notifications and like the videos
and if you really want to help just push the great day playlist and just let it
play all day I need watch minutes so alright so
thanks so much for being here friends and for listening to me rant and not
making fun of me when I cry I love you all and check the comments for the links
have a no see that's how I'm green it isn't us make it awesome some Sunday you
have never been given this day before and you will never get to live it again
make it amazing happy Saturday
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