So in today's episode we're going to talk about being in our feelings and the importance of
processing our feelings. So emotions are very interesting because they're
intangible, you can't see it, you can't touch it and maybe that's the reason why
so many of us believe that it's something that we can or should ignore. It's almost
like we think it doesn't have real impact on our lives, so you know you see
people saying things like 'Oh what is the point
in talking about it, or how is talking going to
help what's the point of crying tears won't change the past' and things like
that but neuroscience is proving that our feelings got the first crack of
every life experience and that impacts our thoughts and behaviors so when
something happens like you lose your job or somebody makes a mean comment to you
on a train it's your feelings that get impacted first and that influences how
you think so maybe now you think that other person is really rude and
ill-mannered and then that dictates your actions and how you respond so you might
decide to say something and so that's how it works. So emotions thought and
behavior they're all work together like a Trinity like a three legged stool but
I think cultural you know I think with respect they're thinking and doing part
but not the feeling part and it's mostly because we weren't really taught the
importance of understanding our emotions at school or even at home so what you
see now is that the ones who have access to this type of information are usually
the ones who are at the top of the socio-economic ladder and so generally
speaking the non-white less affluent communities are not aware of this type
of information like they don't believe in going to therapy or seeking help or
even giving themselves permission to feel as much but that doesn't change the
impact that it has on us the consequences of not understanding our
emotions or ignoring our emotions are still very high and you know hurt
doesn't go away just because you try to avoid it and emotions that are unchecked
grows and leads into behaviors that are not in line
with who and where we want to be. So like I have clients all the time who say
to me 'Oh that person made a mean comment but I'm just gonna ignore it, I don't, you
know, I'm not gonna bring it up with him, I'm not going to talk about it' but
then like six months go by or a year go by they're still not trying to talk
about it you know, and not trying to bring it up
but it still hurts them and it still bothers them but now they've sort of
distanced themselves from the person who made that comment and you know they no
longer feel the same way. So you know a lot of times we think we're ignoring our
emotions but really instead it's flowing into something bigger and toxic. So from
Brene Brown's research we know there are a few very specific ways that our
ignored emotions bleed into our lives so basically they're some ways that
we offload the pain that we think we've ignored. So one of the most common ones
is called Chandeliering
but then it does randomly like
somebody makes an innocent comment about something and that sends you into a rage
or crying fear and it seems like you're overreacting because your response to
the incident does not seem appropriate to what's actually going on and so
that's what we call it so we basically hit the roof and that's why we call it
chandeliering right, you scream so loud that you hit the
chandelier and so another common way is called stockpiling
and things like that. So another common way it is called bouncing hurt
So these are some common ways that we think we're ignoring our emotions that
actually you know instead bleeds into our lives in the areas that is not meant
to and so if you want to learn more about them during the rising strong
book by Brene Brown. So what you want to do is instead of ignoring your emotions
is give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel, so you know if you need
to cry, if you need to be upset, if you need to be disappointed whatever it is
you want to allow yourself to feel it so in a brené Brown workshops that we hold
we even give people what we call permission slips where we get them to
write down whatever they need to feel so give yourself permission to feel what
they need to and we often find that really helps as well because when you
don't address your feelings they just become bigger it's kind of like a when
you've got a tooth pain right at first it's a tooth pain and then it becomes a
cavity and then like a root canal and if you don't even address it then they will
have to remove your teeth but instead if you went to the dentist they really
could just fix the cavity so emotions a bit like that you know left unchecked it
just keeps growing bigger. So there is a famous zen proverb that says that the
shortest way to suffer is by resisting your pain because it almost takes so much
longer to move through it and you know the collateral damage is more as well
the longer you leave it and we live in a culture that diminishes the importance
of our emotions and we think you know that we are thinking machines their feel
sometimes but Antonio Damasio he's a neuroscientist and he reminds us that you
know humans are not either thinking machines or feeling machines we are
actually feeling machines that think sometimes and just because we feel all
the time it doesn't mean that we know how to manage our feelings at all
like Brene Brown says just because we fly all the time it doesn't mean that we
know how to fly. So give yourselves permission to feel
whatever you need to to hurt the disappointment the sadness the pain and
I think a lot of the times we're afraid to feel the uncomfortable feelings it's
either because you know we think we're being ungrateful for what we have or we
think would be negative and we don't want to be or you know perhaps because
you male, males definitely have less permission to feel then the female
gender or you know sometimes because were so busy, we're so busy that
we haven't scheduled feelings into our lives, so you know as soon as I friend
the other day and she was going through something and I was like all you
probably just need some time to grieve you know some take some time out to sort
of be upset about what happened and she was like no I've got a lot planned you
know I've got to take my kids to an amusement park I don't have time for
that and so basically that's what we
do but you know so it's really important to respect your feelings enough and
yourself enough to process whatever you need to before they become toxic and you
know remember that it's not that our feelings are failing us when it's more
that we are failing to process our feelings.
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