♪ ♪
What up, world? It's Terence Nance here.
Welcome to Random Acts of Flyness,
a (bleep) show about the beauty and ugliness
-of contemporary American life. -(applause)
Uh, today, we got a whole bunch of flyness,
fly stuff for you-- for you today.
We got blackface, that's always dope.
You know, I love blackface.
Got problem 437 of a thousand worries
that I, as a black man, shouldn't have to worry about.
-We got music in the mountains with my brother. -(police siren whoops)
We got the sexual proclivities of the black community.
-Cop: Hey! Pull over! -Hold on! I'm trying.
We got a dream about a white man.
-Pull it over. -I'm trying, hold on. I'm trying to get--
-Listen, we got-- -Cop: Cut him off!
We got, uh, you know, another short film.
-(brakes squeal) -Fuck!
Terence: Goddammit!
Cop: What the fuck is wrong with you?
You can't be riding a bike and texting at the same time!
Terence: Sir, Officer, I was not texting.
I was filming my television show.
-It's gainful employment. Yes. -Television show?
Terence: You are actually on the television show
right now, sir.
♪ ♪
Terence: You go to the movies one night,
a late movie.
You park your blue jalopy in a vacant parking spot.
You watch the movie.
-(laughter) -You exit the movie.
Good movie.
Not a worry on your mind.
You see your blue jalopy.
You open the door. You sit in the driver's seat.
You close the door.
2.34 seconds pass.
You realize that, unfortunately,
you are not sitting in your blue jalopy.
You are, in fact,
sitting in someone else's blue jalopy.
This is made apparent by the fact
that this someone else is, at present,
standing outside of this blue jalopy
telephoning the police.
Fear etched across their porcelain face.
This someone else is standing
ironically close to your blue jalopy,
which is parked one row further,
situated in a similar position to the blue jalopy
you are currently occupying.
You exit the blue jalopy.
The someone else, in the grip of fear,
makes their intentions known.
"I have to call the police."
You stare back at the someone else,
worry etched across your face.
The police arrive and you are worried
that you will not be able to explain the situation
in a way that will preserve your current physical state,
i.e. breathing, walking,
living, employed, etc.
Although it is likely that, you friend,
have found this turn of events humorous up until this point,
I assure you, it is not.
This is, in fact, Worry Number 473
of 1,000 Worries that a Black Person
Should Not Have to Worry About.
(tape reverses)
Black face. Black face.
Black face.
♪ ♪
Male Announcer: Live from Death's antechamber,
-welcome to Everybody Dies! -(kids cheering)
Your portal to the afterlife.
Thursdays at 8:30 a.m. 7:30 Central.
Watch as your host, Ripa the Reaper,
ushers the newly dead into their new home.
And now, the star of Everybody Dies!
Ripa, the Reaper!
(scattered applause)
(xylophone plays "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")
♪ Kids, you know that you all die ♪
♪ No matter how hard you try ♪
♪ You can squeal or whine or pray ♪
♪ Everybody dies one day ♪
(gasps)
♪ I'm your last and only friend ♪
♪ 'Cause this is where your story ends ♪
(music continuing)
♪ Take my hand, walk through the door ♪
♪ And you'll live in this world ♪
♪ No more ♪
(kids screaming, crying)
There, there, kids.
There, there. (chuckles)
Everybody dies.
You might not be ready,
but I'm ready for you.
You might slip in the shower.
You might get hit by a car.
You might get sick and die slowly.
(gunfire)
Announcer: The Murder Map!
You might be running from the police.
(indistinct police radio chatter)
You might be running from a stranger
who thinks he's the police.
You might be playing with a toy gun.
You might be not selling cigarettes.
♪ Everybody dies, it's true ♪
♪ Him and her and you and you ♪
♪ Kids beware when they attack ♪
♪ Especially if you are black ♪
(tone drones)
(kids screaming, crying)
♪ ♪
Announcer: It's time for the Little Living Limbo!
Are you going down? Are you going like that?
(distorted) All the way down? Oh, yeah!
Help me! Help--
(tone drones)
Electronic Voice: 97 quadrillion problems,
and the police are only one.
-(dog barking) -(siren wailing)
Woman: If your flight or fight or freeze is always on,
that ages you at a cellular level, and also on an organ level.
You might have the body of a 30-year-old,
but you might have the cellular composition of a 50-year-old.
Mother: At the time, I was eight and a half, nine months pregnant,
and my baby was to be delivered in two weeks.
Pigs kept on shootin'.
Woman: Always walking around
with that heightened sense of surveillance...
Pigs were just shootin'.
And, uh, about this time,
I jumped on top of a chair.
The mattress was just gone.
You could feel the bullets going into it.
Woman: She had three liters of blood on her abdomen at the time.
She coded in the OR and never woke up.
She was so unstable and had organ failure at that point
that there was nothing that they could do to save her.
If that first nurse would've just listened to her,
could that have gone differently?
A lot of times black women feel like
we have to say things over and over and over
because they have it in your mind
that black people don't experience pain.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
DeShawn: Stop!
(thudding)
That's how you whack a soul.
(fanfare plays)
Announcer: And now, let's welcome our guests.
(festive music playing)
-♪ Hey! ♪ -(rhythmic clapping)
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
(music continues)
You two are lost.
You want the third door down the hall, on the left.
There's cookies in there.
Yay! Cookies! Whoo!
-(door slams) -(music stops)
All right, kids!
It's time to play...
"What's the Right Answer?"
I'm gonna pass the mic,
and you tell me the right answer.
Go on.
-48. -(buzzer drones)
Periwinkle.
(buzzer drones)
New Jersey.
(buzzer drones)
12:30.
(buzzer drones)
-Basketball. -(buzzer drones)
Aw, kids!
Those were the wrong answers.
Death is the right answer,
because everybody dies!
(dings)
-(screaming) -(festive music resumes)
-♪ Hey! ♪ -(rhythmic clapping)
(screaming)
-(screaming stops) -(music stops)
(exhales)
(sighs heavily)
-(snarling) -(kids screaming)
Announcer: Well, folks, that's all for this week's episode
of Everybody Dies!
Tune in next week when we'll be welcoming Tanisha McDaniels,
an unarmed black woman--
-(shrieks) -♪ ♪
Announcer: That's all for this week's episode
of Everybody Dies!
Tune in next week when we'll start all over again.
(xylophone plays "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")
(kids chattering, crying)
♪ Kids you know that you all die ♪
♪ No matter how hard you try ♪
♪ You can squeal or whine or pray ♪
♪ Everybody dies one day ♪
-(police sirens wail) -(music continues off-key)
Announcer: And now, the star of Everybody Dies!
-Ripa the Reaper! -(audience applauds)
(gasps)
(sirens wailing)
(lively music playing)
♪ It's the look of love ♪
-♪ It's the time for cheer ♪ -(screams)
♪ Everybody feels it this time of the year ♪
♪ Ding-dong ♪
♪ Ding-dong ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah, it's cold outside ♪
♪ You know that cold don't bite ♪
-♪ The love warms your ears ♪ -♪ Hands up! ♪
♪ In the spirit, it's that time of the year ♪
♪ You can't deny you feel it ♪
♪ You're bleeding with the spirit ♪
♪ It's that time of the year ♪
Man: I am standing right here!
Defenseless!
I am not doing anything, Deputy.
I am not gonna do anything.
There's no reason why I have two guns pointed at me.
Get that shit outta here.
Terence: Listen, it's completely legal for me,
you know, statute VLT 1225C states
that I can operate a cycle
and a cellular phone at the same time.
Do I look like a fucking idiot to you?
No, you don't look like a fucking idiot. I'm just trying to help you out.
Oh, you wanna help me out? Here's how you can help me out.
-What the-- -Get that fucking thing... (clattering)
Cop: Thing outta the way. What do you think this is?
-Help me out. Put your hands behind-- -My hands are behind me.
-I am not resisting, Officer. -Get down on the--
♪ ♪
(chorus vocalizing)
Woman (on TV): Ferguson officials responding to a scathing--
Jon: Do you suffer from White Thoughts?
White Thoughts are a symptom
of an aggressive disease called
Acute Viral Perceptive Albinitis.
Violence isn't the answer.
-(dings) -Jon: Also known...
as Whiteness.
(ethereal music playing)
(applause)
Jon: The Whiteness virus targets
healthy culturally and ethnically specific cells:
Italian, Irish,
Scandinavian, etc. and what have you.
The Albinitis then attacks and destroys
any cultural or ethnic specificities using an arsenal
of fake holidays,
17th century aristocratic class warfare,
the one drop rule,
-and Elvis. -Uh-huh.
Luckily, we have a cure.
All: White Be Gone!
Eric Garner: I did nothing, yo.
(cop speaks indistinctly)
Eric: For what? A call for what?
-What did I do? -Cop: I told you!
Eric: I didn't do nothing...
♪ White Thoughts get cured ♪
♪ By White Be Gone ♪
(choir humming)
Hmm. Amen.
I'm Jon, and I'm an actor.
And I have to confess to you
that at one time, I,
yes, even I,
suffered from White Thoughts.
♪ Yes he had ♪
♪ White ♪
♪ Thoughts in his head ♪
A Muslim friend of mine told me
she was stopped at the airport
every time she would travel.
And I, in the throes of my albinitis,
suggested that she refrain from wearing her head scarf,
so as not to inconvenience the airport security.
♪ Yes, it's a fact ♪
♪ He really said that ♪
(choir humming)
You see, I know from firsthand experience
to be plagued by White Thoughts
can be deceptively euphoric.
Because it gives victims of Whiteness
a profound sense of identity and purpose,
as well as an unbridled, populous political...
power.
Um...
White Thoughts can be deceptively euphoric.
As they give victims of Whiteness
a profound sense of identity and purpose,
as well as unbridled, populous political power.
Uh, now the roo--
Uh...
The, uh...
Jon, is everything all right?
Yeah, can we just, uh--
Andre: Jon, is everything all right?
Jon: Uh, yeah. Can-- I'm sorry. Can we just--
-Can we cut for one second? -Everything all right?
-Man: Cutting! -Yeah. Sorry. Uh, it's fine. No, no.
Give-- give me one second. Thank you so much.
I know we talked about this, I don't really wanna belabor the point--
-Yeah, out with it. -Um...
Well, it's just, I know, you know,
we sort of talked about, uh, the-- the spectrum
of ethnic identities subsumed in whiteness.
And, you know, I'm not exactly, you know, white-white.
-I'm more of an Irish-- -Jon, I empathize. I understand. I hear you.
-Good! Good. 'Cause I don't want-- -But you aren't here
because of your
relative cultural proximity to the whites.
You are here because
the people that call themselves white,
those victims,
for whatever reason,
they trust you
and that beautiful beige face of yours.
You see...
drunk with whiteness,
stumbling in their stupor,
you have what it takes to sober them...
with that bullish sincerity in your spirit.
They need you.
Help them.
Okay. I got it.
Woman: 5 Mary, Take three.
-Marker. -Andre: Action!
And so, friends,
the reason White Thoughts are so difficult to treat
is because of this little spectrometer right here.
No matter where your White Thoughts fall
on the spectrum from
burning crosses and wearing sheets,
to engaging in the secret suspicion
that your Guatemalan housekeeper
holds some sort of grudge against you,
to sitting there comfortable on your laptop
watching this infomercial, saying out loud to yourself...
None of this applies to me.
I read Noam Chomsky. I'm not racist!
Maybe not, Jon, but sadly,
"I'm not racist" spoken aloud
is a classic White Thought.
You see, because of their diversity, these White Thoughts
are incredibly difficult to treat.
So we must remain vigilant,
and remember that all these White Thoughts
stem from the same virus, and are thus
all the same shit.
Choir: ♪ All the same shit ♪
Jon: But don't worry,
we at DAX Pharmaceuticals have a created a cutting-edge,
topical, non-invasive treatment for White Thoughts.
Using turn of the 13th century nanotechnology,
we have managed to create a topical ointment
that when massaged into the temples
enters through the pores into the limbic system
of a person infected with Whiteness.
Lakeith Stanfield: Also from DAX...
Lazercism.
The exciting technological revolution from DAX
that allows you to laser your racial glaucoma away.
Jon: Side effects may include but are not limited to:
Black thoughts, existential crisis,
bouts of amnesia, a loss of social power,
acceptance of the mortality of yourself, and your culture,
your white friends wondering, "What's gotten into you,"
your parents worrying that you might bring a biracial child into the world,
and what type of life would that be?
Dry mouth--
(keyboard clacking)
(clacking)
♪ ♪
Black Thought: All-gender public restrooms is a thing
that's beautiful.
Next steps though,
they need to install shea butter dispensers
beside the exits.
My knuckles shouldn't have to be ashy post-handwash.
The suffering must end.
Is it objectification of the black goddess...
for me to point out that...
FLOTUS got a booty!
♪ ♪
Cop: Goddammit! Hey, partner!
You taking a fucking day off?
Give me a hands! Jesus Christ!
Son of a bitch!
Don't you move! God--
Terence: Black face.
Black face. Black face.
♪ ♪
-Hello, I'm Terence. -And I'm Doreen.
Both: And welcome, welcome, welcome
to the Sexual Proclivities of the Black Community.
(funky music plays)
The show where we explore, in-depth,
the deepest depths of the nuanced proclivities of sex
amongst the African diasporan peoples and cultures
of planet motherfucking Earth.
Now, a word from our sponsors.
Plenty Slippery.
Plenty Slippery will keep you going all night.
With modern chemistry, doodads and humbops
we've engineered a special enzyme
that by the miracle of science,
destroys in its entirety,
that awful olfactory nightmare
which is Badussy.
Don't know what Badussy is?
Pause your Internets and your TV,
take a walk outside,
and make friends with a black person.
Now that the bills are paid and the eggs are laid, let's start the show.
Today's topic is
(echoing) "The Invisibility
of the BiSexual Black Man."
(dramatic musical sting)
America thinks that the bisexual black man
is just a down-low brother.
-You know that's not true. -Not true at all.
You rarely see bisexual black men represented in media.
So today, we're gonna remedy that.
We have a guest.
Ladies and gentlemen, Yeelen.
(applause)
Terence: How do you identify?
Yeelen: I think fluid,
fluid in all aspects,
um...
except for race.
Uh...
-Exactly. -(all laugh)
'Cause that... it doesn't work like that.
Terence: Are you in a relationship?
Yeelen: I've been in a relationship with my partner,
and we've been together for five years.
We've recently opened our, our relationship.
She's phenomenal. She's, uh...
an incredible source of inspiration.
Last time I told her
that there was this, like, dude I was attracted to
she... kind of receives it
as more of a, "Ah, that's exciting.
"That's really cool that you,
um, have those desires."
You know, number one, it's exciting
'cause that opens the possibilities of us having, like,
threesomes with another dude.
Doreen: Yeah, that's what I was gonna ask,
if you guys, like, have ever had those types of--
-Not yet. -Doreen: Not yet. Okay.
But, like, we've plotted.
Yeelen: She's been very encouraging
in terms of, like, me wearing
uh, like, more feminine clothing,
um, and her, like, bringing back home like a--
a-- a skirt that she saw that would look cute on me,
and was like, "Hey, I thought of you,
and you would look cute in this skirt," or, you know.
I think that I'm sexier to her
exploring that, um,
gender non-binary,
um, and exploring, like, clothing,
and, like, being confident in a crop top. You know?
-Are you confident in a crop top? -I love, I love crop tops.
Terence: So, since you opened up your relationship,
what's dating like now, with both genders,
given your, you know, fluidity?
I've encountered several challenges.
I was on the train,
and I-- I saw this girl on the train.
And I think that day I was, like, probably dressed, like, a bit more...
masc, I guess, um...
-What do you mean by "masc"? -I don't know.
See, like, that's the thing. Like, what does that mean?
Yeelen: She had braids, and had, like, a septum piercing,
and just like a really, really bright smile.
-It was me, actually. -(soft music plays)
Oh, no! She had, like, a piercing between her teeth.
And so, anyway, I had to, like, say something.
-And then, I did-- -Terence: Well, what'd you say?
What's your approach game like?
Yeelen: I was trying to write something. You know?
And then, like, the train kept on moving,
so, I was just like, "Ugh! I can't write it!"
Doreen: Oh, like writing a love note?
Not-- not a love note. But like, "Hey, I think
you're really cute." Blah, blah, blah.
And, um, I went and I was like,
"I was trying to write you this note,
"but the train's fucked up.
"You know, I'd rather tell it to you.
"Um, and I think you have a really nice smile,
and it, like, caught me off guard."
And-- and she was like, "Wow!
Um, that's really nice." Blah, blah, blah.
And now, everything's through Instagram.
You know, and I slid in the DMs.
-So you slip and slide. -Yeah. Ah! (laughs)
And so, yeah, we went on a date.
She had, like, an art show.
-Terence: Mm-hmm. -And I showed up on the day,
I was wearing this, like,
dress. (chuckles, snorts)
I was, like, what? I mean, I didn't even think
that that would be like a... like a weird thing.
-She had her gums pierced, so, you know. -Yeah!
Yeelen: You have your gums pierced,
you have a septum piercing.
"Why can't I have a dress on?"
That was my thinking. (laughs)
Yeelen: It was cool at first, and then, like, uh,
there was, like, a music show, and, like,
I was, like, kind of dancing,
and I guess I was, like, a bit more effeminate.
And after-- Like, it was just like--
It was kinda weird. Like, she was kind of looking at me like,
kind of, like, "I didn't know that you could be these things."
And basically,
throughout the end of the date, she was like,
"So, what's your sexual orientation like?"
And I'm like, "What do you mean?
"I mean, I'm into you, so..."
She's like, "Well, you're kinda like a bit more effeminate."
And I was like, "Huh!"
(chuckles)
What does that mean? Like...
I mean, I thought I made it clear
that I was into her--
no matter how I danced or dressed.
So that kinda turned me off.
I was like, "This-- this sucks."
You know?
"And-- and your art's not that good."
-So I was like-- -Terence/Doreen: Oh!
That's the worst.
♪ ♪
-Thank you, Yeelen. I appreciate you. -Thank you!
♪ ♪
Thank you for joining us.
Just a reminder that the show is heavily...
(audio slowed) edited...
...edited for brevity.
So, if you'd like the full serving,
the long stroke,
the deep orifice of black sex and life creating,
check out the full episode at...
Both: SuperBlackSexTalk.com
See you next week where we'll be discussing...
Old niggas fucking.
♪ ♪
Terence: Black face.
Black face.
Black face. Black face.
Black face. Black face.
- Not blackface. -(buzzer drones)
-Black face. -Black face.
Black face. Black face.
Black face.
Black... face.
-Not blackface. -(buzzer drones)
-Black face. -Black face.
Black face.
Black face. Face.
Black... face.
-Black face. -Black face.
Black.
Face.
Black face.
(harp playing)
British Man: You know, some marmalades get
some of their tang from added flavoring.
(audio twangs)
-Terence: Not blackface. -(buzzer drones)
Face.
Black. Face.
Face.
Face.
Terence: Face.
Cop: Don't you move! Goddamnit!
Listen, fellas.
It might be curtains for your boy.
Cop's after me.
I don't know what's gonna happen,
so before I get outta here,
I'll put you up with some new music.
My brother, Norvis Junior.
"Music in the Mountains."
Enjoy!
(panting)
Fuck.
(cop scoffs)
Cop: Where you going now, motherfucker?
Where you going now?
Cop (on radio): 10-51 to base.
I got an unidentified black male flying south,
from Bed-Stuy to Manhattan.
Base (over radio): Flying, flying?
Cop (over radio): Yeah, uh, uh...
Base (over radio): Like in a helicopter?
(indistinct) He's got wings?
♪ ♪
(rhythmic drums playing)
(drums continuing)
(funky electronic music playing)
♪ ♪
♪ I exist and that's a problem ♪
♪ You insist that I don't solve 'em ♪
♪ I done tried evolvin' ♪
♪ So every day I'm walkin' ♪
♪ From a past to provoke all this talkin' ♪
♪ Why sit around and pretend it ain't true? ♪
♪ 'Cause I don't even think about you ♪
♪ You know I do ♪
♪ Yo, what you think of me ♪
♪ To whom it might as well invoke to see ♪
♪ To whom it may concern, you'll soon learn ♪
♪ You done turned and learned ♪
♪ Your bridge is burned ♪
♪ I don't even think about you ♪
♪ But you're always actin' like you're brand-new ♪
♪ So dehydrated, don't mean I'm thirsty ♪
♪ And yet, your worst can never be due ♪
♪ ♪
(static crackles)
Radio DJ: Dallas, Texas. Saint Thomas.
We in here!
(R&B music playing)
♪ ♪
-(static crackles) -(music distorts)
I'm a little busy right now,
but I appreciate you guys tuning in.
I just want to say that to you.
Make sure you come back next week.
We'll have a real good show for you.
It's gonna be-- Don't miss it.
Black face.
Black face. Black face.
-Black face. -Black face.
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