[Music]
within this context will obviously seek
help is first and foremost yeah but
beyond that what what does that
rebuilding process look like for
somebody who's trapped in depression and
suicidal thoughts yeah I've been there a
lot in my life especially before my car
accident my teenage years then the first
woman I ever loved we had a big breakup
and that breakup sent me down in
depression and suicide planning and it's
tough to dispense advice to people other
than get help and I'll share why because
that time in my life I had so many
people coming up to me you know my
friends would come into my dorm room I
think let's go do something and you just
there's just the hope is lost and what
people I think makes the mistake of
trying to do is highteeeee people up
everything's gonna be ok you can be
great and what people need who are
suicidal is serious psychological
intervention they need to seek support
and help and outside of that when they
do get that support the first thing a
great therapist is going to do outside
of the emotional reflection work of why
are you here and what has caused this
sort of pattern for you they're going to
get you starting to get some momentum
the most important thing is when you are
super down outside of finding that
emotional reasoning for where you are is
to start getting momentum because with
momentum comes hope with momentum
because motivation with momentum comes
you know that feeling that there's a
reason for tomorrow and so it's as
simple as just saying okay what are
three things I'm gonna do today
and I don't mean that like a lot of
personal development guys would say like
well your three big goals for the day
are I'm like dude sometimes that first
goal is I'm gonna shower today I'm
really in shower today I'm gonna walk to
the library I'm gonna come home and
that's all I got
like literally that's all they got and
you got a honor that struggle when
you're in that place like know that
where you're at it is okay that you're
there and now you're gonna need help and
now you're gonna have to set up some
daily practices just everyday win a
little bit not like when your dreams not
like crush new goals not like be badass
not like no just momentum man you know
most of the guys I've dealt with in that
position who were suicidal outside of
their therapeutic work I said the most
important thing you can do is win the
morning just win the morning man I think
that's true for all of us even high
performers like I if I don't have my
morning routine game I feel you know out
of sorts so I think it's true for
everybody you gotta own your morning you
got to win it because that starts and
sets up everything else I know you
believe that as well like people need
that discipline those routines that will
help the rest of their day go better and
I don't want to ever be flippant with
the advice to people who are dealing
with that situation outside of get some
help get some momentum and be okay if
that momentum is really small because it
will build to trust it that momentum
builds and trust those gloomy and bad
dark days trust that those are going to
be there they'll get less and less and
less as you learn how to cope but
they're gonna be there and so when
they're there it's when they might I
mean outside of teaching people to bring
the joy in my life I teach people to
honor the struggle honor the difficulty
when we honor the struggle instead I
hate the struggle we can really achieve
extraordinary things because our mind
sets in the right place it accept like
as soon as you honor struggle you accept
that oh of course
there should be struggle here I should I
should honor this process when you go to
the gym to work out you like honor that
this is
going to be hard and it honor that
process of getting better and the more
that you bring honor to it the more your
psyche builds with strength and you get
a little bit of that esteem back because
you see yourself engaging something
versus avoiding it and running away you
see yourself connecting with something
and giving it reverence yeah like I have
reverence for the difficulties of life
they may be better so I don't want a
friction free life not interested in you
know the the that I like to say
sometimes it you know the journey to
greatness begins the moment that are you
know deep desires for comfort and ease
are overpowered by our desires to
connect and contribute let's talk about
mental health it features pretty
prominently in your book and then
certainly and what you've had to go
through and by the way your honesty and
vulnerability in the book are amazing
and I think that they've hard I can only
imagine and for anybody that hasn't read
the book they really don't understand
what we're talking about you were really
honest like you did not try to paint
yourself as like hey I'm a stud look at
me like it was such a warts-and-all
biography absolutely love that part of
it amazing and I'm I've got to imagine
people reach out to you routinely to say
that thank you for that and it's yeah I
didn't know how people don't react to it
I mean how all these people that follow
me for Dancing with the Stars that love
me and when the book hit the shelves I
was terrified I was like all these
people are gonna see a side of me that
they have not seen and they're gonna
hate me and it has been a positive
response because I was very open and
honest that's incredible so I can
imagine the kind of audience that you
would build off of Dancing with the
Stars sort of very much like sort of
right down the middle and some of the
like behaviors that you had when you
were angry were like it's sort of the
aggressive dickhead you know what I mean
so for you to like put it out there and
be like let me walk you through what I
was thinking so that you understand like
I'm not justifying this I'm just telling
you it's real yeah and it was like God
like I'm so defenseless and which
you feel super connected to you and to
walk through that but then it got me
thinking like what is that rebuilding
process so you've helped us see your
journey but I Jobs like what would he
say like if somebody came up to that was
in this situation what would he do if
it's a soldier what would he do if
somebody's depressed but they're not a
soldier like having gone through it and
having been so real open and honest
about what that process looks like how
do we and give it to me in two ways how
do we systematically address the problem
and we'll just say of veterans going
through it and then on sort of one-offs
on a one-to-one what does that look like
well I think what needs to happen I
think that we've come a long way with
mental health but we have a long way to
go and what needs to happen was where
would you say how far have we come when
you say we've come out we we we
acknowledge it okay we acknowledge and
we didn't use to which I would've know
because you look at veterans in the past
it was you know I think in World War two
was called shell shock here's all these
different things but it was not
acknowledged in the way that it is now
but I think it needs to be talked about
more I think the more things are talked
about more comfortable we are and the
more we can understand them when I woke
up one morning and saw that in a tweet
that Prince Harry came out talking about
his depression it made me really happy
because I've been places and someone has
said well you lost normal leg so you had
a right to be depressed and I stopped
them I was like depression is real you
don't you don't have to go through
something traumatic some are caused by
you know something traumatic some can be
a chemical imbalance in the brain and I
feel like if you had heart problems and
saw a cardiologist whoa everyone would
be concerned about you would know you're
doing better and it would be open and
honest with the crew anybody you know
that yeah but the most complicated organ
in your body if you have a problem with
it suddenly there's a we don't want to
talk about that no and you can get over
it and that's what people need to
realize you can be cured you can get
past it that's what we neither need to
realize you know the reason I did is
because when I was in my depression I
thought I was alone I didn't know
nup anybody so I thought someone's gonna
read this and so when I help them so I
kissed that's nervous as I was about the
book I kept thinking that one person's
gonna read it
well now let's open up this dialogue and
I'll go and I'll speaking will do QA and
people want to talk about I gave a
speech in Florida and it was it was an
older crowd there's like I don't say it
was they're old and I I speak what's on
my heart and I gave my speech and as I
was closing I kind of mentioned some
depression because I was I was coming
out of the winter months like it hit me
again this past winter and I went and
saw the doctor and so it was on my mind
and it came up and as I was saying I
thought this generation of people
probably aren't connecting to what I'm
saying when I walked off the stage and
they lined up the amount of people that
thanked me for talking about mental
health and here I was I thought they
didn't want to I thought I was stepping
out of line no it needs to be talked
about because it's not just this
generation it's people are realizing
more and more that it's an issue and the
more we talk about it the easier it is
for people to be honest with themselves
and get the help they need
[Music]
you went through a decade of depression
where you were oriented an entirely
different way how did you find your way
out of that I was 24 I remember the day
my brain broke I remember the day i
started depression and I would lay in my
bed and just want to die
I just I didn't want to exist I wanted
anesthesiologist should I come and give
me a shot so like my soul adjust and at
the time I was in a belief system where
there was an afterlife and so that
wasn't possible you couldn't get you
couldn't be gone you were around forever
no matter what you did and in fact if
you took your life you would you're not
behaving in a way that this belief
system and you know reward you and so I
was trapped in existence and it was the
worst feeling the entire Wilkes I had no
out but not only that I had kids if I
had you know like I felt responsible for
being a father and so I was building
Braintree and you know I had challenges
at home with my significant other and I
had kids who are sleeping I was like
myself working 24/7 having companies
break and like all the pressure and it
just drove me into the ground to a point
I just I was just delirious I mean I was
I was broke and so I climbed Mount
Kilimanjaro at the tail end of the
situation and I got sick I got a stomach
virus and like three or four days in and
I had the virus for a couple days plus I
was out I was sick with altitude
sickness and I just felt terrible like
the worst I've ever felt and we got to
Basecamp and there were 15,000 something
and I had to make a decision where I'm
gonna climb to the top the next morning
and I thought let's do it like I'm not
gonna back down from this and so I did
it and the that for hours the summit
changed my life where the mountain
became my problem and it became a
presentation of my life and
son listen to Eminem my favorite artist
and um his um his defiance against uh
problems anyways I admitted the top and
I just put down cried and it was like it
was the mountain was my depression it
was my marriage it was my belief system
and um I went home and I was changed I
sold I I sold my company shortly after
Raintree I got a divorce
I left my religion and I was back at my
21 year old age and I said Who am I like
what how do i rewrite myself from
scratch what I care about what matters
would exist what's true what's not true
all how did you rebuild yourself like
what is that process of answering those
questions everything I'm doing now is
the answer so the Mormonism you know it
it still is the best story I've ever
heard a motel it's like if you obey
these rules you get an unbelievably
awesome afterlife it's just like
anything you suppose you could ever
imagine it more in fact we kind of it
imagine it's so awesome is we're told
and all you have to do is obey the rules
like super clean I get that and when I
was taken away from me it's like well
okay so if there's not an afterlife
where is there not to life I don't know
what do I do
and that's why infinite games is the
only thing that makes sense to me is I
grew up with this idea that I could
continue to play games forever I want to
play games forever
[Music]
so I have a belief that human potential
is nearly limitless now why do I throw
in nearly limitless I do it partly -
because I'm holding competing ideas in
my head on the one hand I believe human
potential is completely limitless and
then on the other hand I know if I step
off the roof I'm gonna fall and break
something right right so it's like and
how you reconcile those two things it's
it like you did for me that causes
tremendous anxiety really well because I
figure as long as we're young and
healthy and we take care of our physical
hardware we get enough sleep we exercise
we eat well we can more or less take our
our fizzy a lot our physiology for
granted um and you know I've thankfully
I'm very healthy but I've experienced
health scares in my life mostly
self-created you know some something
happened and then I assumed it was the
worst but I can tell you that in the
midst of a panic attack of a true unta
logical terror it doesn't matter if you
think you're dying or if you think
you're going crazy it's the same thing
if you're losing your grip you're losing
your grip even on your own stabilized
identity and I'm working on some videos
on the subject because I think I think
mental health you know depression and
anxiety in this country are chronic in
the world it's one of the most diagnosed
illnesses now in the world more than
physical illnesses really we have
science we have vaccines people living
longer healthier but they're fucking
depressed and anxious and and we have
not good systems I think to fill our
holes it's so interesting so one of the
driving forces behind founding the
company was so because people were like
wait why are you changing you know your
mission from quest like this whole new
thing and to me it's not it's not a
different mission so a quest what we're
trying to do is wellness right so now
you can get hyper focus and say what's
the tactic we're using and the tactic
there was to end metabolic disease but
at the end of it at the end of the day
for me and I'm speaking for myself
my partners we were you know sort of
focus on very different things but for
me it was there were people in my life
that I loved and they were very unhappy
profoundly unhappy yeah and playing the
no bullshit what would it take game I
knew the answer was you know my sister
was clinically depressed to help her she
had to get in better shape because she
you know was in this vicious cycle of
food she had a negative self body image
the only thing that gave her comfort was
food and that gave her a more negative
body image it made her feel like she had
no willpower and all that and so she's
just super destructive so by giving her
food that she could choose based on
taste and I happened to be good for it
got her going in the opposite direction
she started to feel better look better
she was making one simple choice heat
this bar instead of a you know bag of
M&Ms or whatever and so it got her going
help build confidence all that it was
really really incredible but it was it
was about wellness it was about 180 my
sister happy right so the the other side
of the coin was always mental happiness
and I believe that we're living through
two pandemics right now pandemic one is
the pandemic of the body it's very easy
to see but morbidly obese super visible
and somebody dies of diabetes it's crazy
they're literally burning alive from the
inside out it starts to the extremities
they start you know cutting off toes and
foot leg and you know and then you're
gone and so it's so visible whereas
mental illness on the other hand the
pandemic of the mind it's invisible
agreed I mean there's a Sam Harris who
is also brilliant and I've consulted
with on this topic says why was so
concerned with the story
look the brain is wired to tell stories
so when you're physically uncomfortable
it will tell a story it will that that
discomfort will inform the story and
give it a negative tinge you know
sometimes I feel anxious and when I
realize I just have to pee I was like
creating this whole story um and one of
things he said is that you think of
anxiety just as a peculiar sensation
like when you have an itch we have an
itch you you know you scratch it if you
can and if you can't just like let the
sensation pass and he says try to do the
same thing when you're feel anxious you
know mindfulness meditators talk about
that okay just let it come in don't
resist it you can just feel it breathe
through it and if you don't allow it to
like hijack you right it will just pass
like just another sensation dude that's
really interesting so
I'll give you one of my anxiety triggers
being cold so anybody that knows me
knows I'm like freaky about being cold I
do not like to be Cola the reason I
don't like to be cold is the
physiological response to cold is
exactly the same that I get anyway when
I'm anxious I feel like slightly shivery
like so if I'm super warm but anxious
I'll feel that same sense of be every
yeah so getting cold makes me feel like
I'm really anxious about something
something like the fuck
but that analogy is very helpful I will
begin employment immediately yeah so
first of all I literally have struggled
with anxiety my entire life and anxiety
for this conversation the way I define
it is it is the habit of worrying
spiraled out of control you know you may
say that you are a worrier that's not
true you have a habit of worrying a
habit is a pattern of behavior or
thinking that you repeat without
realizing it
so anxiety happens when that pattern of
worrying about things spirals out of
control and now it starts to marry and
manifest itself with physical sensations
- that's all that it is I know that I
say that's all that it is me personally
I struggled with anxiety I think my
entire life it became quite acute when I
was in my late teens and early twenties
I became medicated in the middle of law
school I took us all off for two decades
when our first daughter was born who is
now 17 the postpartum depression and the
cascading panic was so terrible that not
only was i medicated and couldn't
breastfeed but I couldn't be left alone
with her so when I say you can cure
yourself of anxiety I don't say that
lightly four years ago after I had been
using the five-second rule to change my
behavior how I spoke to my husband how I
negotiate in business meetings how I
conduct sales the kind of parent that I
am my health habits my eating habits
curbing the drinking I thought I wonder
if I can use this five four three two
one thing to get control of my thought
patterns
now my behavior patterns my thought
patterns yes you can so we're gonna
we're gonna build this conversation
because I want to start with something
we can all relate to and that is how do
you stop worrying and how do you stop
listening self-doubt this is how you're
gonna do it
so all day long you're going to have
moments where your thoughts drift and I
use that word on purpose because for me
there is a physical sensation when you
start to use the five-second rule and
you start to wake up not only on time in
the morning but you wake up to your life
and the opportunities in your life
there's your thoughts drift like you'll
just be hanging out with your friends
and then suddenly you're like I'm not
sure that the person likes me anymore
you know I haven't heard from my kids
lately I wonder if they're dead or you
know you know as what check it like you
just start worrying about stuff why
because it's a habit because when you're
not paying attention your brains shifts
from you being a decision-maker and
paying attention to you just kind of
spinning things on autopilot and one of
your habits is worrying the second you
wake up and you notice holy cow I'm
talking some negative garbage to myself
right now five four three two one
you've just shifted the part of the
brain that you're using you've shifted
from the basal ganglia which is where
your habit loops are spinning and you've
awakened your prefrontal cortex
you've also interrupted that pattern now
what you're going to do because your
mind is actually ready to receive a
different thought because of the
counting now you can put in an anchor
thought like if you have a mantra if
you've got a vision about the way that
your business is going to turn out in
five years if you just have a thought
that makes you really happy and proud
insert that now why does this work it
works because of the counting and I'm
not kidding we know based on research
the positive thinking alone not
effective in some instances trying to
force yourself to think positive can
actually make the worries worse why well
the reason why is because it's really
hard to just change the channel
what we have to do first is basically
interrupt it and turn off the TV and
then turn it back on with the prefrontal
cortex awakened so the counting is
essential and so you can start using
this today you catch yourself talking
garbage to yourself because we all know
if I were to put a speaker on your head
and broadcast it so if he's sitting here
in the audience you'd be in an insane
asylum because the crap that you say to
yourself is insane and the problem is we
listen to it
you'll be you'll be in a sales meeting
and you'll be undermining yourself
they're not gonna by oh my gosh I'm in
trouble
you're not even present five four three
two one switch it back get back to that
vision that you have about toasting your
success or this customer being really
happy are you being proud of yourself
whatever that vision may be you can
control your thoughts and this is not
just us talking about it this is a tool
that you can use so let's take it a step
further so worrying if you let it go
unchecked what will happen is you will
get used to worrying you will get used
to living in a state where you're
slightly agitated all the time let me
talk a little bit about agitation so
what we know based on research is that
physically in your body so
physiologically being excited is the
exact same thing as being afraid let me
say that again because it is so
important in your body being excited is
the exact same thing as being afraid
your body doesn't know the damn
difference your heart races your armpit
sweat you're like you know you may get
tight in your throat you may your cheeks
may get pink like my do and I get
excited
the only difference between excitement
and fear is what your brain says and the
problem is if you have a habit of
worrying guess what you're gonna tell
yourself is going on that you're that
you're like freaking out that you're not
excited that something must be wrong
oh gosh why would you say something's
wrong because you got to have it a
saying that all the time even as I
became a speaker for a living or I'd be
on CNN when I first started doing it I
would be freaking out backstage but even
even though like you know just to cut
just last week he's standing backstage
about to go on 8,000 people heart races
armpit sweat you know my hands get
clammy I'm not nervous though
not at all I'm excited and so I
developed this technique and research
out of Harvard not based on my technique
but something very similar proves that
if you basically right before you're
about to do something take a test run a
race public speaking a business
negotiation ask somebody to marry you
whatever it may be that get your heart
racing just do this go I'm excited I'm
excited to give that speech I'm excited
to ask him or her I'm excited to do this
race I'm excited because what happens is
you give your brain context so your
brain doesn't escalate the stuff going
on in your body your brains not worried
make sense so you can combine this with
a five second rule so we know how to do
worrying you can't use catch your
thoughts drift five four three two one
anchor thought if you start to feel your
heart racing five four three two one to
awaken the prefrontal cortex and then
start going I'm really excited to do
this I'm really excited to do this
another technique that you can use is
ask I think they call it interrogative
and territory questions where instead of
giving yourself a pep talk say well why
am i ready to do this why am i ready
because that'll force you to answer the
question which then convinces you so why
am i ready to close this sale why am i
ready to give this speech why am i ready
so those are two strategies that you can
use back by science that are proven to
actually make your performance be much
better
[Music]
when I found out that I was adopted what
was happening was I started drinking
again and then my Mon I try to
rationalize and say I'm drinking again
because I have celebrating the newfound
part of my identity which was you know
I'm trying to come up with some excuse
to drink again and that was going on for
probably like my wife no I was drinking
Eric no I was drinking everybody around
me no I was drinking but it wasn't till
about I would say eight months when it
started drinking started getting out of
hand and you know my wife family she
finally confronted me I love women
because they're so perceptive she looked
at me she said this to me she said
motherfucker you fucking drinking
because you can't handle a fucking fact
that you just found out that she was
adopted and I tried to deny that but she
was a hundred percent right the rehab
thing allowed me to see what I was doing
and then it allowed me to see why I was
doing it and then it made me discover
well I'm obsessive-compulsive disorders
and this and that and anxiety and it
made me realize that when I first
started drinking it's because I thought
it I needed help to be who I was trying
to be with friend AMC and the reason why
I say that is because when I went
through rehab now a tenth of the things
that made me feel good I was able to see
and feel again like people think they
need stuff I realized all you need to do
is feel good about who you are but I'm
talking about really just feeling good
when you feel good everything comes to
you
[Music]
there's a lot of ways to get help
I picked therapy talk therapy there's a
lot of different types of talk therapy I
ended up going with psychoanalysis which
is just a very specific type of it and I
spent four years in analysis going four
days a week what was motivating that was
it a positive feeling of I have the
sense that I can get better or was it
like this hurts so much I just need
something it was it was it's a great
question so for me what mine my analysis
was very much about me
I was just in denial for a long time
about like it's not that I denied that
my parents were like I intellectually
understood I saw them clearly for who
they were I didn't connect to the
emotion of it right like I refused to
accept that I was scared or lonely or
sad I mean I even intellectually I would
but emotionally I wouldn't connect with
that right the difference between me now
and me let's say 10 years ago in this
realm is that now the emotions don't go
away right so anyone who tells you that
they have a way for you to control your
emotions or get rid of your emotions is
either lying to themselves or lying to
you and trying to sell you something so
it's not a this shit goes away it's that
now I recognize it like like I recognize
the feeling I accept that it's there and
I can like not let it overwhelm me or
let it control me without understanding
for most people the only way you can get
past this stuff is to bring it out let
it let it have its voice that I'm a
father right I have a three-year-old son
Bishop and this happened like four
months ago I'll never forget it so
something like Bishop knocked over a
glass or something whatever he spilled
something he's three and and I kind of
like you know I was having a bad day and
I was in a bad mood I kind of snapped
I'm like Bishop what do you why did you
do that what are you doing be careful
like really almost exactly like that
tenor right and like I didn't it didn't
even occur to me that I was snapping or
being mean or whatever I was just like
talking yeah yeah what I'm reacting
but I looked at his face and that kids
face man it looked like I had stabbed
him in the chest with a knife like it he
was crestfallen like broken I remember
looking right at him and and understand
in a flash understanding I had done to
him what my dad did to me and at that
moment I had a choice to make about the
type of man let's have a father I was
gonna be like either I could rash oh
well you know like he deserved it or I
needed he visa toughen up or I could
rationalize this or I could accept that
I had hurt this kid my son and I had
done it unintentionally tential it
doesn't matter I had done it and that I
had to accept it and then deal with it
right deal with the fact that I had done
this and and of course thank God I went
through therapy right because I was able
to see it in the moment and understand
in the moment what I had done and accept
it and then deal with it and dealing
with it is actually pretty easy if
you'll accept that right but it was
really painful I'm like it's still
painful think about the fact that I did
like I did it there's no way to undo
this but you know I picked them up I
said all buddy come here are you are you
sad and it's like yeah I'm like okay why
are you sad and he's like I you know I
don't know he's I'm like are you sad cuz
daddy yelled at you he's like yeah I'm
like okay well you know daddies make
mistakes too daddy shouldn't you know
should he know what daddy makes mistakes
and what do we do when we make mistakes
we say we're sorry and we cleaned it up
like okay what daddy's saying sorry to
you okay cuz daddy shouldn't you know
daddy made a mistake and daddy sorry so
let's give me a hug and now clean it up
right and like I don't know like that
was to me like if there's a happy ending
that's a happy ending right that's what
therapy taught me and if you had to boil
down so that particular thing to me from
the outside it sounds like ownership is
is the key their ownership of yourself
and your emotions and your a desire to
seek and to feel the painful truth not
just intellectually recognize
the truth in therapy is about connecting
with the emotions you are running from
and feeling them no matter how painful
or awful they are because almost
certainly they're all fun painful to you
otherwise you wouldn't run from them
like you know runner from happiness hate
it's not like a member that great memory
no no put that away hide that don't no
that's not the problem it's the painful
stuff alright guys I hope that added a
ton of value to you this was something
that was really important for us to put
together because one big fear of mine is
that people are out there suffering in
silence from depression having suicidal
thoughts and if you're having suicidal
thoughts and you're not getting
treatment you are literally playing with
your life so from me to you please reach
out get the help that you need get the
help that you deserve there's absolutely
no weakness in reaching out for help in
fact I will say that it's one of the
strongest and bravest things you could
do alright guys until next time be
legendary
take care
[Music]
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