If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well...
nothing will.
Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air...
to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating.
If your brainwaves slow, meaning you're about to pass out...
then we'll turn up the O2.
If your heart rate slows...
meaning you're able to catch your breath...
we'll turn it back down.
And that's where we'll leave you. Right there.
And I thought you guys were dicks before.
You know the funniest part of this?
You still think we're making you a superhero.
You. A dishonorable discharge.
Hip-deep in hookers.
You're nothing.
Little secret, Wade.
This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves.
We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder.
Who knows what they'll have you doing?
Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters.
Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're never going home after this.
Now there's a brave face.
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now.
Enjoy your weekend.
"Weekend"? Back up.
Weekend?
Did I say this was a love story?
No, it's a horror movie.
Fucking hell.
Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King.
What have you done to me?
I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation.
You sadistic fuck!
I've cured you, Wade.
Now your mutated cells can heal anything.
It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form.
Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before.
I could cure them...
but where's the fun in that?
Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade.
Not because I need to.
Because I want to.
Oh, well.
Go ahead.
You smell like shit.
Motherfucker.
It's all right, it's all right.
I think we owe him that one, yeah?
You take off. Go on.
Off you go.
Quick question.
What's my name?
Didn't think so.
Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed.
You don't want to kill me.
I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug.
What's my name?
Wade.
I didn't just get the cure to el cáncer...
I got the cure to el everything.
But there was only one thing...
that really mattered.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, that must hurt.
Thank you so much.
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
Look at his face.
Oh, my God. Poor guy.
Honey, don't stare.
Freak.
No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine.
Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.
Bullshit!
I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus.
Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you...
Do you like what you see?
No.
You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Yeah.
Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking.
There was something wrong with the relationship...
and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug...
is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory.
And he's gone. Poof!
Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this...
because as of now, you only have one course of action.
Damn straight.
-Find Francis. -Star in horror films.
What?
Star in your own horror films.
Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Here's what I'm actually gonna do.
I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis...
force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull...
and fuck the brain hole.
I don't wanna see that or think of it again.
But the douchebag does think you're dead, right?
Yeah.
That's good. You should keep it that way.
What, like, wear a mask?
Yes. A very thick mask. All the time.
I am sorry...
you are haunting.
Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Like a testicle with teeth.
You will die alone.
I mean, if you could die.
Ideally, for others' sake.
That'll do.
All you need now is a suit and a nickname...
like Wade the Wisecracker...
or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie.
Shit.
What?
I put all my money on you and now...
I just realized I'm never gonna win the...
Dead pool.
Captain Deadpool.
No, just...
-Just Deadpool, yeah. -Just Deadpool.
To you, Mr. Pool.
Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.
This shit's gonna have nuts in it.
Where's Francis?
Where's Francis?
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
Or wear red. Dumbass.
Don't make me ask twice.
Where...
is Francis?
He made me ask twice.
Is the mask muffling my voice?
Where's Francis?
Where the fuck is Francis?
You're about to be killed by a Zamboni.
Where's Francis?
No! Please!
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
You little spider monkey!
Where... is... Francis?
This is confusing.
Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you?
I mean, the line gets real... blurry.
WHERE IS FRANCIS?
Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're gonna die!
In five minutes!
Don't hesitate to call me.
Nice to see you, Jared.
I'll take the footlong...
fully loaded.
41 confirmed kills.
Now it's 89. About to be 90.
Mr. Wilson?
You're looking very alive.
Only on the outside.
-This is not going to end well for me, is it? -This is not gonna end well for you, no.
Where's your boss?
I can tell you exactly...
Oh, you'll tell me, but first...
You might wanna look away for this.
Now this little piggy went to...
Thank you, Agent Smith.
Taxi!
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
And we all know how this turned out.
Whoops! You weren't meant to see that.
There. All caught up.
We're here.
Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage.
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
Some kinds of anger can't be managed...
like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!
That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home.
And I share that home with someone you've met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al.
God, I miss cocaine.
Her.
Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break.
That's like 16 walls.
She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind.
And I think she's in love with me.
Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
Al?
Morning, sleepyhead.
It smells like old lady pants in here.
Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.
But you're no lady.
So comfy.
Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs.
You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes?
Yes, I know.
Downside of being blind...
I hear everything in this duplex.
Sit on a stick.
Bactin?
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know.
You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen.
It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal.
I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
No, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen.
Screw, please.
Here? Now? Just kidding.
I know it's been decades.
You'd be surprised.
Pretty grossed out.
Ta... Da.
I wish I never heard of Craigslist.
And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections.
"Must be good with hands."
Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?
Why such a douche this morning?
Let's recap.
The cock thistle that turned me into this freak...
slipped through my arms today...
Arm.
Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back...
and prevent this shit from happening to someone else.
So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.
#driveby.
Found out who our friend in the red suit is.
Fucking Wade Wilson.
Suppose I'd wear a mask, too if I had a face like that.
I only wish I healed the same.
Still, we'll put him out of our misery.
On our terms.
Right. And when he heals?
He can't.
Not if there's nothing left of him to heal.
You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker.
I like a challenge.
But he's bad for business.
Now let's go find him.
Tylenol PM?
You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin.
I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet...
and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now.
But I appreciate the gesture.
Am I crazy, or is your hand really small?
About the size of a KFC spork.
I get why you're so pissy...
but your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman...
and tell her how you feel.
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me.
If you could see me, you'd understand.
Looks aren't everything.
Looks are everything.
You ever heard David Beckham speak?
It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium.
Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method?
Love is blind, Wade.
No.
You're blind.
So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty...
and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan.
In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room.
I bet it feels huge in this hand.
Go, go, go.
So, the doctor says, "The bad news is you don't have that long to live."
So, the patient says, "How long do I have?"
The doctor says, "Five."
The guy says, "Five what?"
The doctor says, "Four, three, two..."
Can I help you ladies?
I do hope so.
I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a friend of mine.
Name of Wade Wilson.
Sorry.
I don't know the name.
Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar.
I've seen this girl.
This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you.
Sweetheart, you might wanna look around.
This isn't really the place to do something like that.
Easy, Angel.
Put the little man down.
We have everything we need now.
You sure?
You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic?
Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II.
Thanks for having my back, guys.
Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by "we," I mean "you."
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Is there a word for half afraid, half angry?
Yeah, "afrangry," I guess.
Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?
Fuck me!
Maybe not start with that.
Hey, coming onto our stage right now...
give it up for Chastity!
Or as I like to call her, Irony.
Better find her fast before numbnuts does.
How do you know she's in here?
Because I'm constantly stalking that fox.
Every time I see her, it's like the first time...
Especially from this angle.
You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes.
You weak motherfucker!
Come on!
Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa.
Here we go.
Maximum effort.
Vanessa.
Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend.
I knew it was you.
The weird, curvy edges.
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger.
Motherfucker!
-Wait, wait. Let's... Just... -Cock juggling...
-We can talk about what we're gonna... -Jiminy! Fuck face!
Okay, or you can hit that.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Fuck! Fuck!
-No, no. All right. Hey! -Fuck! Fuck!
-Fuck! -Hey.
Relax. Relax. Okay.
Okay. I think that's a good start.
I'm gonna rip his motherfucking...
Wait.
-Find it! Find it. -What?
-I'm gonna get angry. -Okay. All right.
All right. Okay. All right.
Here. This is Vanessa.
-What? -No, wait. It's Francis.
He wants you to come to him.
-What is that? -That's the shit emoji.
You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes?
I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.
I need guns.
Okay, which ones?
I need all the guns!
All right. Okay.
That's about 3,000 rounds.
We all know what I can do with 12.
Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap!
We're downrange.
I was gonna spend the night assembling the Börje, but this is holding my interest.
I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Börje.
Get it through your head or get out of fuck town.
Shit. That's all the pieces in the house.
Nah. Come on. Let's go. Cough it up.
Up, up, up.
Down, down, down.
Fuck you.
.45 cal. I like it.
Wade...
I'd go with you, but I don't want to.
Listen, Al...
if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much.
And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment...
right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck.
You wanna get fucked up?
Put her down over here.
Go on then.
Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.
Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade.
I've been trying to tell you assholes, you've got the wrong girl.
My old boyfriend, he's dead.
See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back.
Like a cockroach...
but uglier.
Now, I may not feel, but he does.
Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.
Ripley, from Alien 3!
Fuck, you're old.
Fake laugh. Hiding real pain.
Go get Silver Balls.
You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money.
No, you know that bad guy that you let go?
He's got my girl.
You're gonna help me get her back.
Wade? Is that you?
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse.
I'm gonna wait out here, okay?
It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you.
It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
And that is why, in my opinion...
the movie Cocoon is pure pornography.
Who brought this twinkly man?
Twinkly, but deadly.
My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid.
In exchange, I said that I would consider joining his boy band.
It's not boy band.
Sure it's not.
So, any luck winning Gita back?
I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool...
but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me.
Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.
Dopinder?
What was that?
That was Bandhu in the trunk.
Ban who?
My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk.
I'm doing as you said, DP.
I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.
I did not tell him to do that.
Absolutely not. It got lost in translation.
Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back!
I'm so proud of you.
Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.
Kill him.
And then, win Gita back...
the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm.
Kidnap her.
He's super dead.
I presume a crisp high five?
For you? 10.
Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference.
You know what to do.
Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!
Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
Not often a dude ruins your face...
skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama...
and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments.
Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
Hey.
Where's your duffle bag?
Bandhu?
Leave a message and have a happy day.
God damn it!
I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way...
with two swords and maximum effort.
Cue the music.
Wade Wilson!
What's my name?
I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya.
Go get some.
Superhero landing.
She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it.
Superhero landing!
You know, that's really hard on your knees.
Totally impractical. They all do it.
You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis.
That's why I brought him.
I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...
I mean, that's why I brought her?
Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's...
Just give us a second. Yeah.
There you go. Hashtag it.
Go get her, tiger.
I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
All right, then. Fire!
Finish fucking her the fuck up!
Language, please.
Suck a cock.
Look away, child.
Look away!
Wait!
Wait!
Cease fire!
Cease fire!
Fellas! Hey! Hey!
You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart.
So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms...
in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle...
possibly even lover-like treatment.
Fine.
Commando!
Teabag!
Bob?
Wade?
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since...
-Jacksonville. Fridays. -Since TGI Fridays.
Well, what the hell!
God, come here, you.
How are the kids? Good?
And Gail? She's still fixing that tuna casserole?
So good! But bad for the waistline, if you know what I'm talking about.
Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman.
That is so sweet.
Thanks.
Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic.
Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'.
Fire!
Hey!
Climb on!
Motherfucking...
Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants.
You were right, beautiful.
Red really is my color.
Wade?
Don't worry, baby...
I'mma get you out of that shit-box.
What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours?
Oh, you never left.
But you did, asshole!
Deep breath, darling.
Oh, wait.
Wrong choice of words.
I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve.
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade.
When I'm finished...
parts will have to grow back you.
Good one.
Yep, that was a good one.
Let's dance.
And by dance, I mean...
let's try to kill each other.
Fine. Fists.
Sounds like your last Saturday night.
Asshole!
Hang in there, baby!
-Wade! -I gotcha!
I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.
Damn it!
Maximum effort!
Thanks.
Just take it slow.
Oh, my God! That was so...
There are no words!
Me and you are headed to fix this butterface.
What?
You stupid fucking idiot.
Did you really think there was a cure... for that?
What?
You heard me.
No.
No!
So, you mean to say...
after all this, you can't fix me?
It sounds even stupider when you say it.
Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
Any last words?
What's my name?
Who fucking cares?
Wade!
Four or five moments.
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments, that's all it takes.
To?
Be a hero.
Everyone thinks it's a full-time job.
Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero.
Not true.
Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter.
Moments when you're offered a choice.
To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend...
spare an enemy.
In these moments...
everything else falls away.
The way the world sees us.
The way we...
Why?
You were droning on.
Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread...
but at least fuckface won't heal from that.
If wearing superhero tights...
means sparing psychopaths...
then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em.
Not everyone monitors a hall like you.
Just promise...
Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments.
Oh, shit.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, about to stand in front of a girl...
and tell her...
What the fuck am I gonna tell her?
Well, you better figure it out.
I can't even tell you...
I deserved that. That, too.
No, no, no, maybe not the nethers.
Start talking!
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
For everything, I'm sorry for leaving...
I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner.
It's been rough couple of years.
Rough?
I live in a crackhouse.
With a family of 12.
Every night we spoon for warmth.
Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest.
There's nothing that we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms.
So, you live in a house.
I should have come and found you sooner.
But, baby, the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember.
You mean this mask?
And this one.
In case the other fell off.
All right. Yeah, just...
Like a Band-Aid, just give it a...
Owdie 5,000.
Wait, wait, wait...
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
Hey...
After a brief adjustment period...
and a bunch of drinks...
it's a face...
I'd be happy to sit on.
I'm not the same underneath this suit, either.
No.
Super-penis.
Come on, Wade. Language.
Young one is present.
What are you still doing?
Get out of here. Go make yourself useful!
You, go be a really big brother to someone.
Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn.
And you, chicken noodle...
nothing compares to you.
Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry.
That's all right. You're cool.
What in the ass?
That was not mean! I'm proud of you!
We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
For a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion robots...
coming together to form one super robot.
There's a stupid.
Yeah.
And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for.
Come here.
Wham! As promised.
See?
You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl.
The right girl will bring out the hero in you.
Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out.
There we go, that looks nice.
That's gonna be about the only thing that's pulling out tonight.
Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh?
Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singing...
I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you
You're still here?
It's over. Go home.
You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money.
What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up?
With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number?
Go. Go.
But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret.
For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable.
Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel.
We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody.
Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren...
Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows.
Anyway, big secret.
And don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move.
Go.
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